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Got a match tonight on Bumble and the conversation didnt seem to take off, let me know from this exchange if I could have done anything differently

IntBrowser

By IntBrowser
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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Posted

She did nothing to hold up her end of conversation.   If you'd gone on a date with her, there would have been many awkward silences.  

SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted (edited)
19 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

Thanks.   So here is the convo once we matched

 

Her......Hell how is your evening?

Me........"Good evening.   my evening is much better now that we had that big rain storm.   its much cooler now.  How was your Thursday?

Her...My day was good so happy tomorrow is friday

Me....Yes the end of the week is always a good thing and it will be even better once the summer starts   have you always lived in Philly?

Her....No I was born and raised in NYC and moved to Philly 3 years ago.

Me.....Ok cool, do you have a favorite area of Philly?

Her...Not really

 

That is where the convo seemed to lose momentum and I thought it was a nice back and forth up until that point.     I asked her one more question since she stated in her profile she was a pizza lover and gave her a compliment saying she looks nice in her glasses

Her response......Thank you and Pepperoni

I asked another question and havent got a response back.    And that's where we are right now.      So is there anything I could have done differently?    ....

I don't see you hearing her.  It reads like an interview.  That is a lot of questions looking for factual statements, and nothing about her views, thoughts or feelings.    Don't get me wrong, factual statements are a good start, but one needs to transition to getting to know you as person, not a candidate.    Women do this too in my experience.

Can take it line by line really.

Asking about your evening is a good opener, pretty standard like how was your day.  (Do you  know the importance of that simple question in a relationship, and why it is important?)

You did good by asking her about her day.   Then she mentioned how she was looking forward to Friday...you made a simple factual observation...about the end of the week always being good..it leaves no room for her to follow-up...if you let her but you changed to have you always lived in Philly.   So you unknowing potentially shut down a topic of "now it is the weekend" she was trying to create, just keep that in mind.

The Philly question is not a bad question by any means, it gets to background and if she has or ahs not opens up a world of conversational possibilities.  But you changed the topic and you need to take responsibility on it.

So she then tells you where she was born and raised and new here.

You are correct that here you seem to show you are not really hearing her/seeing her.  She was born and raised in NYC, ask her about that in a way that lets her be the expert (which should would ) and a common follow up would be what brings her to Philly. 

Actually combine the two and give her lots of conversational hooks, like  "Wow born and raised in NYC, what was that like, it always seemed like such a dynamic city, not sure I could make it there though :) , what brought you to Philly"

OK so maybe more questions than would normally get in there, but the key is hit on things she knows about, you know she has an answer to, and you give her a couple things to choose to talk about.   Tales of what it was like growing up in place X are always good, but avoid questions that could pry into details like addresses, family details.  Let the other person expound on it and ask questions that go to their feelings and expertise on something (which can be as simple as life in NYC, the people the feel...etc.)

Another follow-up based on what you knew (her love of pizza) that is along the lines of what you asked is.  "NYC pizza is really good I hear, have you found a place in Philly you like?"

The answer to that question, whatever it is, is a golden segue to asking her out. 

If she says yes, you can say you "would like to try it with her and get her compare and contrast with NYC...know it seems abrupt but perhaps we could try it x day." (even if you have been there a hundred times you have never been there with her to get her in the moment opinion.  If she is a foodie she will love to talk food, watch some Diner, Drive In and Dives, episodes.

If she says no, now is your chance to play tour guide, offer to take her to the best pizza place you know...and you have an easy out if it is sub-par because Philly is know for it's cheese steak after all. (It's not like you are in Chicago :) )   If she really loves pizza easy future dates can be a hunt for that perfect slice.

That is just about getting her to engage, find a topic she knows about and likes to talk passionately about.   TO excel at conversation you need to do the same, something you can talk passionately about she finds interesting...just don't get into know-it-all mode.

 

Now after she said thank you and peperoni...you really needed to keep the "pizza thing" going.  Her dropping the TGIF plus pizza love, pizza details and she doesn't really know Philly...that is like red carpet "ask me out." 

Question after question, is an interview not a conversation (to me).  Question followed by "questions" that have them share experiences, expound, and share views followed by you doing the same is a conversation.   And if one is attentive and quick of whit life is full of incongruities and frustrations that make for humorous comments...which can be very bonding as they show you understand and see them, at least on that shared level of humanity.

 

Now how easy all that is for you do not know.  A really simple response to her born and raised in MYC new to Philly is "Oh tell me about NYC, always wondered what it was like to grow up there" and/or "What brings you to Philly?" but on the latter you really have to realize of most people that is a big change (grow up whole life one place move to another) so treat it as such...don't ignore the potential to follow up with the emotion/passion/life goal that led her to make that decision.

 

Edited by SumGuy
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IntBrowser Established Member

IntBrowser

Posted
  • Author
Posted
7 minutes ago, norealusername said:

She's a flake. When you get no attempt from them at the conversation, just cease talking and move on.. Don't even say bye, just stop talking. Your conversation attempt was perfectly fine, she wasn't serious from the start. There's no magic formula for the initial conversation, she's either interested or she's not.

I figured I would come here and ask because I thought I was asking the right questions and thought the conversation would take off when I asked about philly

norealusername Established Member

norealusername

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, IntBrowser said:

I figured I would come here and ask because I thought I was asking the right questions and thought the conversation would take off when I asked about philly

If she was serious about dating you she would have kept talking more. It's happened to me plenty. Don't be hard on yourself. She probably does it a lot with other guys.

SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, IntBrowser said:

I figured I would come here and ask because I thought I was asking the right questions and thought the conversation would take off when I asked about philly

Why would it, she is newish there.  If she honestly does not have favorite area what is she to say?   The conversation would have only taken off if she carried the conversation, but you didn't really give a topic for that to happen.

You two may well be incompatible, and that is fair...to each their own.   But in no way what you put in your first post is a "conversation" that she dropped the ball on.  Sure a lot of women are used to getting the conversation going and keeping it going, and that does show interest.  Just don't expect her to have to do all the work.

Edited by SumGuy
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cleverusername Established Member

cleverusername

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Why would it, she is newish there.  If she honestly does not have favorite area what is she to say?   The conversation would have only taken off if she carried the conversation, but you didn't really give a topic for that to happen.

You two may well be incompatible, and that is fair...to each their own.   But in no way what you put in your first post is a "conversation" that she dropped the ball on.  Sure a lot of women are used to getting the conversation going and keeping it going, and that does show interest.  Just don't expect to have here do all the work.

I agree with this. You started the conversation so you should carry it. People in general read WAY too much into texting, like its some sort of crystal ball into the inner mind of someone. It's literally words on a screen. The fact that she is even replying is an indication she has at least a sliver of interest, so keep it going. If she doesn't want to talk to you she will end the conversation or wont reply.

Edited by cleverusername
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IntBrowser Established Member

IntBrowser

Posted
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Posted
12 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I don't see you hearing her.  It reads like an interview.  That is a lot of questions looking for factual statements, and nothing about her views, thoughts or feelings.    Don't get me wrong, factual statements are a good start, but one needs to transition to getting to know you as person, not a candidate.    Women do this too in my experience.

Can take it line by line really.

Asking about your evening is a good opener, pretty standard like how was your day.  (Do you  know the importance of that simple question in a relationship, and why it is important?)

You did good by asking her about her day.   Then she mentioned how she was looking forward to Friday...you made a simple factual observation...about the end of the week always being good..it leaves no room for her to follow-up...if you let her but you changed to have you always lived in Philly.   So you unknowing potentially shut down a topic of "now it is the weekend" she was trying to create, just keep that in mind.

The Philly question is not a bad question by any means, it gets to background and if she has or ahs not opens up a world of conversational possibilities.  But you changed the topic and you need to take responsibility on it.

So she then tells you where she was born and raised and new here.

You are correct that here you seem to show you are not really hearing her/seeing her.  She was born and raised in NYC, ask her about that in a way that lets her be the expert (which should would ) and a common follow up would be what brings her to Philly. 

Actually combine the two and give her lots of conversational hooks, like  "Wow born and raised in NYC, what was that like, it always seemed like such a dynamic city, not sure I could make it there though :) , what brought you to Philly"

OK so maybe more questions than would normally get in there, but the key is hit on things she knows about, you know she has an answer to, and you give her a couple things to choose to talk about.   Tales of what it was like growing up in place X are always good, but avoid questions that could pry into details like addresses, family details.  Let the other person expound on it and ask questions that go to their feelings and expertise on something (which can be as simple as life in NYC, the people the feel...etc.)

Another follow-up based on what you knew (her love of pizza) that is along the lines of what you asked is.  "NYC pizza is really good I hear, have you found a place in Philly you like?"

The answer to that question, whatever it is, is a golden segue to asking her out. 

If she says yes, you can say you "would like to try it with her and get her compare and contrast with NYC...know it seems abrupt but perhaps we could try it x day." (even if you have been there a hundred times you have never been there with her to get her in the moment opinion.  If she is a foodie she will love to talk food, watch some Diner, Drive In and Dives, episodes.

If she says no, now is your chance to paly tour guide, offer to take her to the best pizza place you know...and you have an easy out if it is sub-par because Philly is know for it's cheese steak after all.  If she really loves pizza future dates can be a hunt for that perfect slice.

That is just about getting her to engage, find a topic she knows about and likes to talk passionately about.   TO excel at conversation you need to do the same, something you can talk passionately about she finds interesting...just don't get into know-it-all mode.

 

Now after she said thank you and peperoni...you really needed to keep the "pizza thing" going.  Her dropping the TGIF plus pizza love, pizza details and she doesn't really know Philly...that is like red carpet "ask me out." 

Question after question, is an interview not a conversation (to me).  Question followed by "questions" that have them share experiences, expound, and share views followed by you doing the same is a conversation.   And if one is attentive and quick of whit life is full of incongruities and frustrations that make for humorous comments...which can be very bonding as they show you understand and see them, at least on that shared level of humanity.

 

Now how easy all that is for you do not know.  A really simple response to her born and raised in MYC new to Philly is "Oh tell me about NYC, always wondered what it was like to grow up there" and/or "What brings you to Philly?" but on the latter you really have to realize of most people that is a big change (grow up whole life one place move to another) so treat it as such...don't ignore the potential to follow up with the emotion/passion/life goal that led her to make that decision.

 

i will keep this in mind whenever I get the next match,  which will probably be May 26th lol

SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, norealusername said:

If she was serious about dating you she would have kept talking more. It's happened to me plenty. Don't be hard on yourself. She probably does it a lot with other guys.

Likely so not true.   I am not surprised if ones conversations are like that they just end. 

People interested in relationships like to know they can have a conversation, when they feel the other person isn't really getting it or even picking up on the repeated hints to ask them out they move on.  

She probably does do that with a lot of guys because a lot of guys can't have a conversation, they hear just themselves.. a conversation is more than about just hearing her literal words.

SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, IntBrowser said:

i will keep this in mind whenever I get the next match,  which will probably be May 26th lol

I know laid a lot on you, trying to be fulsome in response even if it comes off harsh.  A lot of things can freeze one's mind in the moment and it is not like I was born doing this. 

I'm very much an introvert so conversations with women originally very nerve wracking for me.  So first, I just had to notice the many hints to ask them out and found that is often enough.

Yet I just turned my passion for learning things and solving problems, into a passion for learning about people and hearing them, getting to know them. So I am still not really energized by people, but I am energized by getting to know them if that makes any sense.

Also, even if one is awkward, being genuine and having empathy I find far more important than being Don Juan.  Being able to share the love you have for a topic (she also is interested in), in a non-know it all way, can also be very attractive but that can be hard to do via text.

 

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IntBrowser Established Member

IntBrowser

Posted
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Posted
4 hours ago, SumGuy said:

I know laid a lot on you, trying to be fulsome in response even if it comes off harsh.  A lot of things can freeze one's mind in the moment and it is not like I was born doing this. 

I'm very much an introvert so conversations with women originally very nerve wracking for me.  So first, I just had to notice the many hints to ask them out and found that is often enough.

Yet I just turned my passion for learning things and solving problems, into a passion for learning about people and hearing them, getting to know them. So I am still not really energized by people, but I am energized by getting to know them if that makes any sense.

Also, even if one is awkward, being genuine and having empathy I find far more important than being Don Juan.  Being able to share the love you have for a topic (she also is interested in), in a non-know it all way, can also be very attractive but that can be hard to do via text.

 

That's why I dont like to waste time getting to the phone.    Just like on craiglist, once someone responded to my ad and we exchanged pics,  if there was a mutual attraction then we went straight to the phone.    There was no email back and forth

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

.Just like on craiglist, once someone responded to my ad and we exchanged pics,  if there was a mutual attraction then we went straight to the phone.    

Just curious what type of thing you are looking for if you are on Craigslist?

Asking because if someone I saw on a dating app also had an ad on Craigslist, it would be an automatic deal breaker.

Edited by Wiseman2
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IntBrowser Established Member

IntBrowser

Posted
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Posted
19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just curious what type of thing you are looking for if you are on Craigslist?

Asking because if someone I saw on a dating app also had an ad on Craigslist, it would be an automatic deal breaker.

Craiglist used to have a personals section before 2016.    I met women in all professions, teachers, lawyers, accountants.    I believe this was pre-tinder

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
On 4/30/2021 at 6:58 PM, IntBrowser said:

she unmatched me lol

you've lost nothing but someone who can't even muster up conversation...

It wasn't you, so don't take what she did personally. She probably has issues.

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

It sounds like she is giving you polite, minimal answers.  She's not very interested, sorry.

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IntBrowser Established Member

IntBrowser

Posted
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Posted
7 hours ago, spiderowl said:

It sounds like she is giving you polite, minimal answers.  She's not very interested, sorry.

which was weird because she contacted me first

chillii Established Member

chillii

Posted
Posted

lt was all just pretty stock mayaswell ask how;'s your day been it's about of the same nothingness.

Not sayin it was your fault though but all this question stuff , so internet and rehearsed . Just a case of each with nothing else to talk about to each other, it happens .  Bas is right it probably would've been a really struggling night if you met.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, spiderowl said:

It sounds like she is giving you polite, minimal answers.  She's not very interested, sorry.

I think that's all there was to it, too. 

She probably cast her net wide to see which guys would interest her. She opted for someone else. That doesn't mean anything was wrong with your conversation, OP, just that she went in another direction. 

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