Greengloves Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Gf and I are both 22 My gf and I have been together for 2.5 years, and the first year was really great. We got hit by and are still suffering the effects of the pandemic, and that’s when things got really bad between my gf and I. As things are now, we barely talk to each other, haven’t had sex in over a year, and every time my gf and I see each other, she’s lethargic as hell. We’ve fought about our expectations and desires with each other before, and my gf has mentioned before how when we have this fight it just makes her feel worse about herself and her being a partner. She also insists that the problems we’ve been having are not a me thing, but a her thing because of the issues she’s had recently. My gf has had health issues come up over the last year, and we’re pretty sure she’s depressed, but she refuses to see someone about her anxiety and depression. I’ve tried supporting her through her health issues (depression and IBD) to the best of my ability, but she’s just always in a bad mood and it feels like I’m not even there. I completely understand where she’s coming from, as I suffered from depression a few years back and am coping much much better now than I was then, but I don’t think it’s an excuse to treat me like s***. All thru April, we told each other we wouldn’t see each other because we were both busy with school, and now that’s done, with no effort from her to reach out to me. I’ve tried starting conversations with her, but they’re dry, bland or she responds once then stops. I feel like I’ve done my best to support her, but I’m tired of feeling like last place to her, regardless of whether or not it’s something that has to do with me. I don’t feel like we’re together anymore, and that our relationship has turned into a friendship where we just send tiktoks to each other. That’s about the extent of our communication outside of saying “goodnight I love you”. I really feel like I’m being loyal to a friend, as loyalty aside (and saying goodnight) there’s nothing in this that makes me feel like I have someone. To be clear, I want to feel wanted and valued again, this isn’t about sex. It just feels like she sees me as an afterthought, even if she’s tried her best to tell me she doesn’t and this is just a symptom of her overall problem. What’s keeping me for now is partially wanting to see if things would get better after being allowed to be a bit freer, which she said would make her feel a bit better, and I also don’t want to leave my girlfriend. I love the version of her that I was with for the longest time, and it makes me so sad thinking about how the relationship is a massive shadow of its former self. We’ve talked about getting married, and she brought it up as recently as two weeks ago, but right after it’s just back to essentially neglecting me. I love her, but everything that was special about us before she stopped, not me. I don’t want to leave someone who’s clearly going through a lot, but I’m just annoyed and frustrated with the situation, as I feel all the things I want in a partner are gone from my gf. That destiny esque quality it judged to have isn’t there (for me) anymore, and if she still feels it I’d be shocked. What I want to do is tell her I want to restart from square one and retry the relationship because I want her, but I can’t be in a relationship as is. If she takes that another way and wants to just split I’ll accept that, but I want to at least try and restart or fix us before giving up on the relationship. Any advice on how to have a conversation (or the one you think I should have) would mean a lot to me. I posted this elsewhere, but forgot to add that because of the nature of us not seeing each other right now, this would have to be something done via text or call, and I would much rather do it in person, but I’m not willing to wait that long. Any advice on doing it through either medium would be appreciated TL;DR relationship quality has deteriorated badly over a year and I want to stay with my gf and also leave her because she treats me like an afterthought
cleverusername Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 (edited) You can't fix someone who doesn't want to fix themselves. On top of that, she also isn't considerate of you or your needs. So she's not caring for herself or you. What exactly are you gaining from this? Edited April 30, 2021 by cleverusername
Author Greengloves Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 7 minutes ago, cleverusername said: You can't fix someone who doesn't want to fix themselves. On top of that, she also isn't considerate of you or your needs. So she's not caring for herself or you. What exactly are you gaining from this? At this point? Nothing. I’m mentally half out the door, but due to quarantine it’s not like I can start dating anyone anyways. The part of me that loves her is hoping something will change after lockdown, but I doubt it 1
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Just break up. If she refuses to address her own issues & you aren't happy in this relationship she's an albatross.
ShyViolet Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 1 hour ago, Greengloves said: What I want to do is tell her I want to restart from square one and retry the relationship because I want her, but I can’t be in a relationship as is. If she takes that another way and wants to just split I’ll accept that, but I want to at least try and restart or fix us before giving up on the relationship. This is delusional. There is no such thing as "restarting" the relationship. You are already in the relationship, and it's dead. I think you already know that. This may sound a little harsh, but her depression is not a reason to stay in this relationship, and frankly it's not your problem. You cannot "help" her with her depression. Her "issues" are something that she is going to have to deal with completely separate from this relationship. You're way too young to waste these prime years in a dead, joyless relationship. You need to make a clean break so you can live your life. There is a whole world out there and so much more to life than this. 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 8 hours ago, Greengloves said: Gf and I are both 22 My gf and I have been together for 2.5 years, Sorry this is happening. You got together too young and have been together way too long. You're stunting each other's growth. This relationship is past just limping along, it's become toxic. Be kind to yourselves and set each other free. It will come as a welcome relief to her as well. 1
SaraSays Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 The brain's growing til we're 25ish, so lots will change for both of you in the coming years. It's very rare for puppy love to last. I don't think you are a good match for each other. Whilst you each remain in this relationship, you can't meet someone who'd be a better match. Try to end things kindly, and genuinely hope she meets someone fantastic and is happy without you. Springtime is here, so focus on meeting new people, starting new active hobbies, learn a language, learn to code a basic app, learn to cook all your favourite restaurant meals, sleep as much as possible, start a diary, paint some watercolours, enjoy the warmth of the sunshine on your bones.
spiderowl Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 It doesn't sound like she's making much effort. You can't make anything work on your own; she has to be willing too. I think you could have a talk with her but I wouldn't bank on it being productive.
Author Greengloves Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 20 hours ago, spiderowl said: It doesn't sound like she's making much effort. You can't make anything work on your own; she has to be willing too. I think you could have a talk with her but I wouldn't bank on it being productive. She’s not. I know she’s suffering but I’m just going to dump her when I have a chance this week. thanks for all the comments! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 On 4/30/2021 at 2:45 AM, Greengloves said: My gf and I have been together for 2.5 years, and the first year was really great On 4/30/2021 at 2:45 AM, Greengloves said: we barely talk to each other, haven’t had sex in over a year, On 4/30/2021 at 2:45 AM, Greengloves said: I love the version of her that I was with for the longest time For the longest time? Dude, you haven't had sex with her for around half of your relationship. First year was good. And then? 1-1.5 years has not been good. That's a significant length of time when you've only been toegther 2.5 years. Your vision of the timeline here is skewed. So yes, I think you are wise to end this. It's not working. 1
mortensorchid Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 You cannot fix these problems, that has to come from her on her end. The only person you can change is yourself. Fact. She sounds like she has a lot of issues going on here, many of them have to do with her and not you. In this case, unfortunately, the time has come for you to go your separate ways. And you're both 22 - life is going to take both of you places you never expected and in directions you'll never imagine. You both are going to grow and change, and I think the time you were growing together has also lead to the time you are going to grow separately. 1
Miss Peach Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 It's sounding like things have run their course. You didn't mention where you're from but don't use COVID as an excuse to hold onto her. It's more difficult in some ways but it's still possible to date right now.
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