notthatintome Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 I am officially the worlds worst at dating. Just as I had given up completely with dating, a man (on a dating app) made a beeline for me. He seemed really keen, asked lots of questions etc. I wasn't that fussed in him, or anyone, at the time and would take a while to reply. The more I got speaking to him, the more I was intrigued. We met up for a walk and we got on really well. He ticked all my boxes and he said I did with him. We met up again and he was perfect and everything I was looking for. He sent good morning texts, communicated well, called me and appeared to like me. We didn't have sex although he also seemed like he wanted to but was very respectful of needing to give me time. He spoke about wanting a relationship and wasn't one to mess around with lots of women. He did seem really genuine but I was also troubled he was saying this early on and he seemed too good to be true, which made me nervous. He is super busy and has a lot of commitments so we arranged to meet a week later. I had other things on too and it wasn't as if I was twiddling my thumbs waiting for him but I was looking forward to seeing him again. The day before I asked if we were still meeting and he said maybe depending on if he finished his work in time and I replied if he needed to cancel then it was fine but he didn't reply. On the day of the meet he did his standard morning message and then I didn't hear from him until 7pm saying he had an awful day. He didn't mention the meet up, about cancelling or coming, or even apologised for not coming. I was annoyed that he assumed I would just be sat around waiting for him so I sent a very blunt message to which he didn't reply (he didn't even read it) and I haven't heard from him since (3 days ago) until he liked my social media post yesterday. Looking back I should have been a bit nonchalant but i was really annoyed - maybe on a better day I would have been less so and I now kind of regret it. I also wonder as I gave him the option of cancelling that he thought it was cancelled. The thing is, I spent a year previously chasing a guy who could not commit and I was scared to death about this happening again and it felt easier pushing it away. Now I kind of regret it because there were so many positives. Then I tell myself if he liked me enough he would have responded, so maybe I did do the right thing. What do you think? Side note: the guy who wouldn't commit has remained my friend and he still checks in on my and listens to my dating woes. I seem to have alot of dating disasters but gain a lot of friends as a result. i'm trying to do the right thing and somehow still get it horribly wrong. Help!
smackie9 Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 No....first impressions count!....he failed. Stop taking scraps from these lazy/loser guys. You want a guy that doesn't blow smoke up your butt for weeks before meeting, fooling you by getting you all emotionally invested. You want a guy that asks you out after a few messages, shows up on time, all washed, neatly pressed, and smelling good. 4
SaraSays Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 59 minutes ago, notthatintome said: He ticked all my boxes and he said I did with him. No way to know this, as we present ourselves as a dream, and they do too. We're each filling in the blanks with the best possible version of events, and that's not representitive of real life, where people are flawed, annoying, selfish, arrogant, wonderful, tedious, inspiring etc. 4 seasons together is when we begin to scratch the surface of what someone's really like, and share who we are, too. The first 3 months-ish are limerence, when we view everything through rose-tinted glasses. I think most people will relate to feeling a bit annoyed when plans are up in the air, but it makes little sense to be so emotionally invested in a stranger that a message was sent conveying your annoyance. It'd have been better to get on with your life, and to have a nice day doing something lovely. 1
ShyViolet Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 I don't see how this is a "dating disaster"... it's just a guy who you went on two dates with, thought you liked, but then by the time you were supposed to go on a 3rd date, he flaked out and ghosted you. He's just not interested. There's nothing you could have done to change the outcome. Unfortunately in dating this is the most common story that we see time and time again. Don't waste too much energy worrying about it.... just move on. 2
d0nnivain Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 Why does any of that make you the world's worst at dating? Couple of things though. You get attacked too quickly. Talking to some guy & meeting him twice hardly qualifies you to categorize him as "perfect." At best he's somebody you were willing to see again. Period. You going on & on about ticking boxes etc. which is completely unknowable after a few texts & one walk. Slow down. You also need better boundaries & more reasonable expectations. The day before you were supposed to meet when he equivocated & talked about how busy he was, you should have known then that he would bail. The handwriting was on the wall. I would have rescheduled right then & there but I certainly would not have relied on him to be available. I get that you gave him the out that he didn't verbally take but he probably did assume your offer meant you were OK with him bailing last minute so he may have been taken aback by your annoyance & blunt text. Given your past, it still depends on what you want to do. If you would still like to date him & can get passed this as an unfortunate hiccup, you reach out to him & try to set something up. If you are just too peeved to bother & think this is a toxic pattern repeating itself, just move on.
Wiseman2 Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 1 hour ago, notthatintome said: He didn't mention the meet up, about cancelling or coming, or even apologised for not coming. Sorry this happened. No one is too busy for what they are interested in. It seems like you dodged a bullet either because he's a flake or possibly in another relationship. Delete and block him. Don't bother backpedaling on being stood up. 1
Author notthatintome Posted April 29, 2021 Author Posted April 29, 2021 Thanks everyone , I appreciate your advice He did seem like he really liked me and that is why I put it down to how I reacted and felt I pushed him away. I think you are right though, if he was interested he would have either made time or kept me in the loop. He definitely wouldn't have ghosted. I haven't been ghosted before and man its a crappy thing to do! I don't think my pride would let me reach out to him again, especially after it has knocked my self esteem already along with all the other guys who have chipped away at it. It just feels like another dating disaster - I have had years worth and I am coming to the end of it as I have had enough. I don't know what is normal or even how to behave anymore because what I am doing is clearly not working. Thanks again 1
glows Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 You're a bit hard on yourself. Let go of that negative self-talk. It is harmful in the long run. Some other commenters mentioned about characterizing this as a disaster. They're touch/gos that speak of incompatibility and lack of interest. Take a break from dating if it's starting to wear on you. It can get frustrating and you're not alone in that. Take it easy. 2
hippychick3 Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 Don’t reach out to him. The ball is in his court. And this is not a dating disaster. It just didn’t work out, that’s all. It happens with everyone. You hardly knew each other so it should not be hard to move on. As others said, don’t get attached so quickly. It’s wayyyy to early to think of him as some perfect guy who ticks all boxes. That comes months after consistent dating. This is just the observation and getting to know each other stage. 1
Pumpernickel Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I get that you gave him the out that he didn't verbally take but he probably did assume your offer meant you were OK with him bailing last minute so he may have been taken aback by your annoyance & blunt text. This 100 %. – Why did you even conact him the day before? I think that was unneccessary. I don't think it's that big of a deal, though. I kind of can relate. If I am lukewarm (generally about any meeting, does not necessarily have to be a date per se), and somebody asks me prior to the set date "are we still on?" – I am usually relieved, and tend to keep my options open (I will tell them "maybe", because I am busy at work or whatever, yadayada etc.), and then I don't have to feel bad, if I cancel last minute. After all, THEY reached out to ask if we're still on, and I said maybe.... 22 minutes ago, notthatintome said: I don't think my pride would let me reach out to him again, And you shouldn't. All hope is not lost, as he liked your stuff on social media, and he also sent you his daily good morning message. Just wait it out.
Author notthatintome Posted April 29, 2021 Author Posted April 29, 2021 23 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said: This 100 %. – Why did you even conact him the day before? I think that was unneccessary. I don't think it's that big of a deal, though. I kind of can relate. If I am lukewarm (generally about any meeting, does not necessarily have to be a date per se), and somebody asks me prior to the set date "are we still on?" – I am usually relieved, and tend to keep my options open (I will tell them "maybe", because I am busy at work or whatever, yadayada etc.), and then I don't have to feel bad, if I cancel last minute. After all, THEY reached out to ask if we're still on, and I said maybe.... And you shouldn't. All hope is not lost, as he liked your stuff on social media, and he also sent you his daily good morning message. Just wait it out. We were in constant communication, he seemed to really like me and there was no lukewarm about it. I had also been traveling so it seemed like a natural thing to ask on my return - I would do this with any of my friends so why should he be any different? What I should have done is cancelled myself and left it to him to rearrange and this would have eased my annoyance. I just didn't expect him to do what he did but perhaps it was a blessing because someone like that has no place in my life and it's better to find out before things went further. After I sent my blunt message (which he still hasn't read) I haven't heard from him at all except the like on social media. He was always such a gentleman and prided himself on that but I have come to realise ghosting is the worst thing a person can do to someone else. If he didn't like me he should man up and just tell me, a text message would have sufficed. 1
Author notthatintome Posted April 29, 2021 Author Posted April 29, 2021 15 minutes ago, glows said: What was the blunt message? Just stating my annoyance and how he had wasted my time
Wiseman2 Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, notthatintome said: Just stating my annoyance and how he had wasted my time It's true. But don't expect to hear from him. He seems like a bit of a jerk. Just an aside, a lot of people think people haven't read their messages, but most phones/messaging apps have previews, so? Edited April 29, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Author notthatintome Posted April 29, 2021 Author Posted April 29, 2021 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It's true. But don't expect to hear from him. He seems like a bit of a jerk. Just an aside, a lot of people think people haven't read their messages, but most phones/messaging apps have previews, so? I assumed he saw the preview and perhaps deleted it. He could have at least apologised and then, if he felt like he had to, ghost me. It's just disrespectful all round. I was questioning whether I had done the right thing as I have been missing the romance side of it but I am so glad I jumped on here because everyone has made me feel better and I realise I did exactly the right thing. Now I can move on 2
d0nnivain Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, notthatintome said: He definitely wouldn't have ghosted. I haven't been ghosted before and man its a crappy thing to do! 1 hour ago, notthatintome said: We were in constant communication, He did NOT ghost you. You talked the day before your date & he told you he was swamped. He texted you the morning of your date & said hello. He texted you at 7 pm the night of your date, saying that he had an awful day. You two had a major miscommunication. 42 minutes ago, notthatintome said: Just stating my annoyance and how he had wasted my time Instead of showing empathy for his bad day, you jumped down his throat & complained that he wasted your time. Granted him complaining to you, a woman he only went out with 2x about his crappy day rather than sucking it up & finding the energy to see you even for an hour, does show low interest but to be attacked on top of an already bad day in his shoes I wouldn't respond to you either. Any good relationship requires compassion for your SO. You couldn't even muster human kindness after his bad day. It didn't come across as supportive or somebody I would want to have a LTR with. In his mind you are not a nurturing person & he is no longer interested in being with someone who seems to make his life harder. (N.B. I am not saying you are bad person. I get that you lashed out due to fear of being hurt. He doesn't. I'm just trying to make you see how your actions possibly came across to him). I get that WII-FM is everybody's favorite station but sometimes you have to look at things from the other person's perspective. He doesn't deserve to be completely vilified here. Yes, he could have done better but so could you. Since you are happy with your action, at peace with the outcome & feel validated by the other posters here go with that. My intention was never to make you feel bad. Live your life the way that works for you. That is what is most important. @Pumpernickel Your distaste for confirming things the day before is a personal preference. I confirm everything -- appointments, dates, meeting friends etc. I confirm dates with my husband & other members of my family. My life is busy & complicated. Things change & sometime they change quickly. So especially with some new person in my life, I absolutely need that confirmation before I get in my car to meet. Without it, I'm staying put. My request that the other person give me the courtesy of a confirmation is not an opportunity to weasel out of a commitment / date or an expression of low interest. Rather it's an acknowledgement that people have busy lives & everyone's time is valuable. Edited April 29, 2021 by d0nnivain 5
Author notthatintome Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 6 hours ago, d0nnivain said: He did NOT ghost you. You talked the day before your date & he told you he was swamped. He texted you the morning of your date & said hello. He texted you at 7 pm the night of your date, saying that he had an awful day. You two had a major miscommunication. Instead of showing empathy for his bad day, you jumped down his throat & complained that he wasted your time. Granted him complaining to you, a woman he only went out with 2x about his crappy day rather than sucking it up & finding the energy to see you even for an hour, does show low interest but to be attacked on top of an already bad day in his shoes I wouldn't respond to you either. Any good relationship requires compassion for your SO. You couldn't even muster human kindness after his bad day. It didn't come across as supportive or somebody I would want to have a LTR with. In his mind you are not a nurturing person & he is no longer interested in being with someone who seems to make his life harder. (N.B. I am not saying you are bad person. I get that you lashed out due to fear of being hurt. He doesn't. I'm just trying to make you see how your actions possibly came across to him). I get that WII-FM is everybody's favorite station but sometimes you have to look at things from the other person's perspective. He doesn't deserve to be completely vilified here. Yes, he could have done better but so could you. Since you are happy with your action, at peace with the outcome & feel validated by the other posters here go with that. My intention was never to make you feel bad. Live your life the way that works for you. That is what is most important. @Pumpernickel Your distaste for confirming things the day before is a personal preference. I confirm everything -- appointments, dates, meeting friends etc. I confirm dates with my husband & other members of my family. My life is busy & complicated. Things change & sometime they change quickly. So especially with some new person in my life, I absolutely need that confirmation before I get in my car to meet. Without it, I'm staying put. My request that the other person give me the courtesy of a confirmation is not an opportunity to weasel out of a commitment / date or an expression of low interest. Rather it's an acknowledgement that people have busy lives & everyone's time is valuable. I understand what you are saying as I am a very empathetic and nurturing person, perhaps more so than most. I have to watch that people don't take advantage of this when I give them too many chances by understanding their behaviour. This is also why I have stayed platonic friends with some of the guys I have dated, it's because I good to be around. I have been told in the past that I need to be tougher with guys so that is what has brought me to this point. It was uncharacteristic of me to do this and I have questioned whether it was the right thing to do, hence my original post on here. However, I think it is a tall order to expect me to show compassion after I checked in with him, gave him the opportunity and understanding to cancel, and yet he couldn't find just a couple of minutes earlier in the day to send a text to say he couldn't make it. The issue wasn't about not seeing him, the issue is that he pretty much stood me up. Why is his time more valuable than mine? Why is his day more important than mine? Did he show compassion? No on all accounts. I think my annoyance was understandable, and while I may have added to the stress of his day, his behaviour certainly added to mine. Not even responding or apologising for his part showed immaturity and an indication of how he deals with problems. If he was not interested in me, that's fine but he should have been an adult and just said. 1
glows Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 (edited) The initial post suggests that there was no date planned the night before or even the morning of. Frankly, rereading your initial post, it seems like he completely evaded your question to meet and put off confirming any details (time or place ie). It was a soft 'no' in my mind on meeting up because he did not confirm any details the day prior and he didn't reply properly to your message in the morning either. He just.. ignored it or disregarded it with a vague "maybe depending on if he finished his work in time". Although I don't think he ghosted you, I do think he was avoiding saying no or rescheduling. This may be him not wanting to offend you or close the door on seeing you that day or just not wanting to say no because some people do have a problem acknowledging they can't do something. I don't think that you are obligated empathize with his bad day. This is early stages dating, not an established relationship either. It could go both ways, depending on the individual, and still be neither right nor wrong either way. I do think mutual/more equal interest and transparency or consideration is key. Quote The day before I asked if we were still meeting and he said maybe depending on if he finished his work in time and I replied if he needed to cancel then it was fine but he didn't reply. On the day of the meet he did his standard morning message and then I didn't hear from him until 7pm saying he had an awful day. He didn't mention the meet up, about cancelling or coming, or even apologised for not coming. Edited April 30, 2021 by glows
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 @notthatintome If part of this stems from you trying to enforce better boundaries, good for you. I appreciate that fact that you at least acknowledged my point: that he has a perspective on this too. Going forward, I think if you pull back on the early emotional investment & recognize things like "i might be busy / have to work" as a warning that the guy will flake you will end up less brutalized by the flakey behavior of any new potential SO in your life. More importantly, unless you have concrete confirm plans -- we're meeting at Joe's Restaurant on Sat. May 1 at 7:30 p.m. -- you only have a half hearted desire to get together not an actual date.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 6 hours ago, notthatintome said: I understand what you are saying as I am a very empathetic and nurturing person, perhaps more so than most. I have to watch that people don't take advantage of this when I give them too many chances by understanding their behaviour. This is also why I have stayed platonic friends with some of the guys I have dated, it's because I good to be around. I have been told in the past that I need to be tougher with guys so that is what has brought me to this point. It was uncharacteristic of me to do this and I have questioned whether it was the right thing to do, hence my original post on here. However, I think it is a tall order to expect me to show compassion after I checked in with him, gave him the opportunity and understanding to cancel, and yet he couldn't find just a couple of minutes earlier in the day to send a text to say he couldn't make it. The issue wasn't about not seeing him, the issue is that he pretty much stood me up. Why is his time more valuable than mine? Why is his day more important than mine? Did he show compassion? No on all accounts. I think my annoyance was understandable, and while I may have added to the stress of his day, his behaviour certainly added to mine. Not even responding or apologising for his part showed immaturity and an indication of how he deals with problems. If he was not interested in me, that's fine but he should have been an adult and just said. I agree with this. Smoothing-talking-date-evading guys are the worst. It all just really means he is not that into you. Unless he is physically ill, a bad day would make most people want to see someone they like and enjoy being with. I don't really see why having a bad day at work would result in him ignoring the date. He should have told you earlier. This was just a preview of things to come and he saw by your message that you wouldn't tolerate it. The fact that that he didn't even click on the message after he saw the preview shows even more that he is the avoidant type. When 2 people truly like each other, these types of misunderstandings are ironed out quickly.
Alfano Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Don't focus on one person when dating early on. That way you aren't waiting around and getting disappointed.
Author notthatintome Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 8 hours ago, d0nnivain said: @notthatintome If part of this stems from you trying to enforce better boundaries, good for you. I appreciate that fact that you at least acknowledged my point: that he has a perspective on this too. Going forward, I think if you pull back on the early emotional investment & recognize things like "i might be busy / have to work" as a warning that the guy will flake you will end up less brutalized by the flakey behavior of any new potential SO in your life. More importantly, unless you have concrete confirm plans -- we're meeting at Joe's Restaurant on Sat. May 1 at 7:30 p.m. -- you only have a half hearted desire to get together not an actual date. It was hard not to get invested in this guy and I did try my best not to get invested! He just seemed so right for me but I guess I was wrong. Another lesson learned and more experience gained.
Author notthatintome Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 13 hours ago, glows said: The initial post suggests that there was no date planned the night before or even the morning of. Frankly, rereading your initial post, it seems like he completely evaded your question to meet and put off confirming any details (time or place ie). It was a soft 'no' in my mind on meeting up because he did not confirm any details the day prior and he didn't reply properly to your message in the morning either. He just.. ignored it or disregarded it with a vague "maybe depending on if he finished his work in time". Although I don't think he ghosted you, I do think he was avoiding saying no or rescheduling. This may be him not wanting to offend you or close the door on seeing you that day or just not wanting to say no because some people do have a problem acknowledging they can't do something. I don't think that you are obligated empathize with his bad day. This is early stages dating, not an established relationship either. It could go both ways, depending on the individual, and still be neither right nor wrong either way. I do think mutual/more equal interest and transparency or consideration is key. Your response just prompted me to think that he may have still been at work when he sent the message as I just remembered that sometimes he can work late into the night. He could have waited it out and not close the door as the night before he seemed keen to see me if he finished everything on time. Maybe I was a bit hasty and should have given him the benefit of the doubt. who knows now. But i am sure he would have messaged back if to smooth things over.
Author notthatintome Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 7 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said: I agree with this. Smoothing-talking-date-evading guys are the worst. It all just really means he is not that into you. Unless he is physically ill, a bad day would make most people want to see someone they like and enjoy being with. I don't really see why having a bad day at work would result in him ignoring the date. He should have told you earlier. This was just a preview of things to come and he saw by your message that you wouldn't tolerate it. The fact that that he didn't even click on the message after he saw the preview shows even more that he is the avoidant type. When 2 people truly like each other, these types of misunderstandings are ironed out quickly. I agree.
SumGuy Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 6 minutes ago, notthatintome said: ... But i am sure he would have messaged back if to smooth things over. I wouldn't be so sure about that, if d0nnivain's take on it is even partly accurate. The day after one's birthday, had a hard day, then kicked when down and called a time waster?
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