Autumnlove20 Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 (edited) I've been with my BF for 8 months. Last night while chatting he mentioned that I still had a single status on my Facebook profile. He had "in a relationship" on his. He and I rarely use Facebook. I then said you're right I should update that. He then updated his status, and even asked me to confirm our anniversary date, which I did. I confirmed his request, and we went about our night. A few hours later while discussing mother's day gifts, I looked at his mom's Facebook to see if I could spot some gift ideas for her. I happened to check his profile and noticed that he relationship status was now hidden. I asked him what was up and he said that he made it "close" friends only, yet even though we are friends, I still couldn't see it. I asked him why he chose to hide it and he said that he didn't want it to show up in his friends feeds. He said he didn't want questions from people and that he's a private person. This hurt me and I felt like maybe he wasn't proud to show me off as his GF or somehow embarrassed by me. There is a age gap and we come from different backgrounds. After he continued to explain away why he didn't want to make it public, he started to realize that this was upsetting me, and said he wanted to make it right and make it public, but I refused. I feel I might be overreacting, and I know my issue with low self-esteem in the past is driving this, but a day has passed and I still feel hurt and I've been distant with him all day, while he seems to be ok. And let me just say, it's not being Facebook official that's bothering me, but the idea that he doesn't want his friends to know and made sure they wouldn't. Most of these people he hasn't even spoken to in years. Also, we've been long distance for the last 4 months because of Covid. Edited April 28, 2021 by Autumnlove20
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 If you are his mom's friend, he's not exactly hiding you. It's very odd that he went from in a relationship to having the status hidden. I can understand why he might be reluctant to change a status from single or nothing to in a relationship because he didn't want teasing responses after all this time. I know I have sent more than one snarky comment to friends of mine who changed their status on FB years later but this seems like a down grade. Still it's not really a hill you want to die on / issue you want to pick a fight over, is it?
Acacia98 Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 Ordinarily, I would have understood the claim that he was a private person. But you say he's the one who initiated this discussion about relationship statuses on Facebook? So he basically wants your Facebook friends to know you're in a relationship but doesnt want his to know? 6
glows Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 There's some double standard there for him. He may have a lot of exes or deadweight "friends" who are not really friends in his friends list. While I don't think he meant to hurt you, the way he handled it wasn't great. Sounds like a lot of thoughtlessness towards you, more thought towards what his "friends" think. You could be dating a people pleaser or someone more concerned about what others think than what goes on in your relationship. 2
spiderowl Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 It is odd that he should draw attention to the fact that your profile did not say 'In a relationship' and then when you changed it, he hides his status. Very strange. It doesn't really make sense. In your position, I would do the same as him and hide my status, then you are both the same. If he queries it, then he has to explain why it is ok for him but not for you. 2
basil67 Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 1 hour ago, Autumnlove20 said: I still feel hurt and I've been distant with him all day, while he seems to be ok. He offered to fix it, you said no. So he thinks the issue is solved. If you continue feeling hurt, you're going to have to address it further. And instead of saying 'no' to him trying to fix it, you might have to say 'thank you'
Uruktopi Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: If you are his mom's friend, he's not exactly hiding you. Still it's not really a hill you want to die on / issue you want to pick a fight over, is it? "If you are his mom's friend, he's not exactly hiding you. " Not necessarily true. I had a bitter experience about. "Still it's not really a hill you want to die on / issue you want to pick a fight over, is it? " She may want to or not. I think she should. Edited April 28, 2021 by Uruktopi 1
Uruktopi Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, basil67 said: He offered to fix it, you said no. So he thinks the issue is solved. If you continue feeling hurt, you're going to have to address it further. And instead of saying 'no' to him trying to fix it, you might have to say 'thank you' "And let me just say, it's not being Facebook official that's bothering me..." What he offered to fix. "...but the idea that he doesn't want his friends to know and made sure they wouldn't" Her valid concern. Not really a lot to be thankful about. Edited April 28, 2021 by Uruktopi
Author Autumnlove20 Posted April 28, 2021 Author Posted April 28, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: If you are his mom's friend, he's not exactly hiding you. It's very odd that he went from in a relationship to having the status hidden. I can understand why he might be reluctant to change a status from single or nothing to in a relationship because he didn't want teasing responses after all this time. I know I have sent more than one snarky comment to friends of mine who changed their status on FB years later but this seems like a down grade. Still it's not really a hill you want to die on / issue you want to pick a fight over, is it? His mom and I are not facebook friends. She and I casually spoke a few time at the beginning of our relationship, but she basically just knew me as his friend. I don't want to fight with him about this. Things have been really great lately, and it's the reason why I pulled back today so I could try to process my feelings. He always made a point about not speaking to really anyone on Facebook except maybe a couple childhood friends. Edited April 28, 2021 by Autumnlove20
Author Autumnlove20 Posted April 28, 2021 Author Posted April 28, 2021 1 hour ago, Acacia98 said: Ordinarily, I would have understood the claim that he was a private person. But you say he's the one who initiated this discussion about relationship statuses on Facebook? So he basically wants your Facebook friends to know you're in a relationship but doesnt want his to know? 12 minutes ago, spiderowl said: It is odd that he should draw attention to the fact that your profile did not say 'In a relationship' and then when you changed it, he hides his status. Very strange. It doesn't really make sense. In your position, I would do the same as him and hide my status, then you are both the same. If he queries it, then he has to explain why it is ok for him but not for you. And that's the thing I couldn't wrap my head around. He sent me a link on Facebook to some architectural images and after we viewed them together, he looked at some childhood photos I had posted, then he mentioned my status. I immediately changed my status, and he is the one who made it official by naming me as his girlfriend. I had no reason to check his profile right after because his name was already displayed on my profile. First, he claimed he limited his status to his "close" friends, but I don't think there is an option for that. I think it's either friends, public, everyone except, and only you. So either he selected that only he could view it or he just made the entire status private, which I think is what he did. Him choosing to hide it made me feel awful about myself. I felt so bad, I made most of my posts private and even changed my profile picture from a picture or myself to a picture of my dogs. I got in my head and started to think that maybe he didn't think that I was attractive enough, so he didn't want anyone to know. I couldn't process it because he always tells me how much he loves me and want things to progress to the next step, yet he's worried about someone asking questions about the love of his life? 1
basil67 Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 5 minutes ago, Uruktopi said: "And let me just say, it's not being Facebook official that's bothering me..." What he offered to fix. "...but the idea that he doesn't want his friends to know and made sure they wouldn't" Her valid concern. Not really a lot to be thankful about. Hence my comment "you're going to have to address it further". This is about further conflict resolution and the result could include having a public status. And when I say "thank you", I mean do something other than refuse to allow him to address it.
Author Autumnlove20 Posted April 28, 2021 Author Posted April 28, 2021 1 hour ago, glows said: There's some double standard there for him. He may have a lot of exes or deadweight "friends" who are not really friends in his friends list. While I don't think he meant to hurt you, the way he handled it wasn't great. Sounds like a lot of thoughtlessness towards you, more thought towards what his "friends" think. You could be dating a people pleaser or someone more concerned about what others think than what goes on in your relationship. I know he's still friends with one of his ex's on Facebook. I don't know about the most recent one.
Author Autumnlove20 Posted April 28, 2021 Author Posted April 28, 2021 25 minutes ago, basil67 said: He offered to fix it, you said no. So he thinks the issue is solved. If you continue feeling hurt, you're going to have to address it further. And instead of saying 'no' to him trying to fix it, you might have to say 'thank you' I know he offered to change it, but I don't feel that he was honest at the start. He said that he limited it to close friends, but really he just made it private. His whole reason for this was so it wouldn't show up in their feeds, which is what he later told me. He felt bad that I was hurt, but only after I had to keep explaining to him why I so upset. This went on for like 20 mins before he finally said he would change it back. I didn't want him to simply because he feels guilty. You are right that I will need to discuss it with it further because right now I'm having a hard time wanting to speak to him.
Uruktopi Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 12 minutes ago, Autumnlove20 said: I know he offered to change it, but I don't feel that he was honest at the start. He said that he limited it to close friends, but really he just made it private. His whole reason for this was so it wouldn't show up in their feeds, which is what he later told me. He felt bad that I was hurt, but only after I had to keep explaining to him why I so upset. This went on for like 20 mins before he finally said he would change it back. I didn't want him to simply because he feels guilty. You are right that I will need to discuss it with it further because right now I'm having a hard time wanting to speak to him. There are things that you should not have to ask for. 1
salparadise Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 I think you're making too big a deal of it, having way too much self-doubt, and only viewing it from a very narrow perspective. Caring about you, finding you attractive, and wanting to progress in a relationship are separate from wanting to blast it as a headline to everyone on FB and having to deal with questions and goading and so forth. In fact, I think the term "facebook official" might the funniest oxymoron I've ever heard. Facebook is a garbage site. There is nothing official about it whatsoever unless your name is Zuckerberg. Preferring to maintain privacy is legitimate. 1
basil67 Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 (edited) 28 minutes ago, Autumnlove20 said: I know he offered to change it, but I don't feel that he was honest at the start. He said that he limited it to close friends, but really he just made it private. His whole reason for this was so it wouldn't show up in their feeds, which is what he later told me. He felt bad that I was hurt, but only after I had to keep explaining to him why I so upset. This went on for like 20 mins before he finally said he would change it back. I didn't want him to simply because he feels guilty. You are right that I will need to discuss it with it further because right now I'm having a hard time wanting to speak to him. As you don't use FB much and didn't care about having the 'in a relationship' status to start with, how about you just remove your relationship status question so that it doesn't mention relationships at all? He can also remove his and you'll be on even footing. Edited April 29, 2021 by basil67
spiderowl Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 (edited) I wouldn't take whatever he is doing too personally. I would just make my relationship status private too. If he's not happy with that, then he has some explaining to do. If you get upset and make a thing of it, you are only showing your insecurity. Look at it another way, if your boyfriend wants to find someone else or cheat on you, he will do it. You being insecure about it is not going to make the slightest bit of difference. You might as well be confident, ignore his Facebook friends/status/whatever, and just be confident that he cares for you. This is how you should view it: any guy that messes you around does not deserve you. You should not react to perceived threats to your relationship by criticising yourself and pulling yourself apart. Why did you immediately assume there must be some failing in you that would cause him to do anything at all? You are fine and lovely as you are. A different woman would not have questioned her own worth when faced with the same situation. It all depends on how you perceive yourself, not what he does. Of course, if he behaves badly, you don't have to put up with it. You are a unique individual with your own looks, aura, way of moving, intelligence, talents, etc. That is what makes you special. Value yourself first and foremost and do not place emphasis on other people's imagined judgements of you. You are a special individual whether you are with this boyfriend or not. It is important to remember that. Edited April 29, 2021 by spiderowl 1
glows Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 (edited) What seems really bothersome to him was the fact that your status was "single". Does this mean that if you just took off the "single" and "hid" your relationship status like he did, he'd have been happy? If that's the case there was some miscommunication and misunderstanding there. You both thought different things when he suggested to change that status. For him it meant not being single. For you it meant stating it's in a relationship with him. Yes, do talk with him if you want to but bear in mind this guy already offered a solution. He was willing to fix that issue. I think if you want things to go back to the way they were you're both going to have to move on from this together. For your benefit, I think it's best to straighten out what that relationship status means to both of you in general. Clear the air. It doesn't matter what it matters to anyone else. Both of you might decide to both hide it and you know what? Hardly anyone might notice in your friends circle. Edited April 29, 2021 by glows 1
ShyViolet Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 I think you have every right to be concerned and troubled by this. It's not about Facebook itself. It's about what he said. So basically he doesn't want all his friends to know that he has a girlfriend? Why is that? And what sort of "questions" does he think he might get? He's acting like he wants to hide this relationship and not go public with it, which I would not be ok with at all. 1
Sun Seeker Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 You are way overreacting and your insecurity is taking over. As a man I completely get where your BF is coming from, nothing worse than something private from your life being broadcast to every single person on your friends list who you have not talked to in years. It's one of the reasons I don't use FB and closed my account years ago. Site is trash.
Interstellar Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 (edited) So no pics of you and him on his main profile at least or you and him on your main? that would be the way to do it, instead of putting something in the status. A picture says a thousand words and all that. Edited April 29, 2021 by Interstellar
salparadise Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 5 hours ago, ShyViolet said: He's acting like he wants to hide this relationship and not go public with it, which I would not be ok with at all. Go public? As in a media event, PR releases, etc.? Or just splashing it all over social media? This is the crux of it––there is a huge distinction between hiding it vs. not going public.
Wiseman2 Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 11 hours ago, Autumnlove20 said: I've been with my BF for 8 months. Last night while chatting he mentioned that I still had a single status on my Facebook profile. He had "in a relationship" on his. He and I rarely use Facebook. I then said you're right I should update that. He then updated his status, and even asked me to confirm our anniversary date, which I did. I confirmed his request, and we went about our night. A few hours later while discussing mother's day gifts, I looked at his mom's Facebook to see if I could spot some gift ideas for her. I happened to check his profile and noticed that he relationship status was now hidden. I asked him what was up and he said that he made it "close" friends only, yet even though we are friends, I still couldn't see it. I asked him why he chose to hide it and he said that he didn't want it to show up in his friends feeds. He said he didn't want questions from people and that he's a private person. This hurt me and I felt like maybe he wasn't proud to show me off as his GF or somehow embarrassed by me. There is a age gap and we come from different backgrounds. After he continued to explain away why he didn't want to make it public, he started to realize that this was upsetting me, and said he wanted to make it right and make it public, but I refused. I feel I might be overreacting, and I know my issue with low self-esteem in the past is driving this, but a day has passed and I still feel hurt and I've been distant with him all day, while he seems to be ok. And let me just say, it's not being Facebook official that's bothering me, but the idea that he doesn't want his friends to know and made sure they wouldn't. Most of these people he hasn't even spoken to in years. Also, we've been long distance for the last 4 months because of Covid. Ok. Why has half the relationship been long distance? Was it because of work or school? You really only dated in real life 16 weeks and you are much too invested. You shouldn't be buying his mother mother's day gifts. Focus on your own local friends and family more. Take all the nonsense off social media. Why bother announcing your or his personal business on there? Decide if a distance relationship is what you want. It doesn't seem to be working.
Acacia98 Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 12 hours ago, Uruktopi said: "If you are his mom's friend, he's not exactly hiding you. " Not necessarily true. I had a bitter experience about. "Still it's not really a hill you want to die on / issue you want to pick a fight over, is it? " She may want to or not. I think she should. Totally with you on both counts. 1
introverted1 Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 He already had his relationship status as "in a relationship." I'm guessing that by adding the anniversary date, this would trigger a notification to his friends, so he decided to change the visibility to just "close friends." Nothing wrong with that, imo, since most of us have "friends" on Facebook that we are only tangentially connected to. In some cases, we have "friends" we've never even met! Quote Most of these people he hasn't even spoken to in years. Exactly. So why do you care? 1
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