do you ever feel like someone is a curse on your life?

[Howsoonisnow80]

Hi Everyone, 

Trying to keep a very long story short here but basically there’s a guy who I was in love with throughout my whole time at high school (aged 13-17) who totally broke my heart and ruined my self esteem. We fell out and didn’t talk for a few years.
 

We got back in touch after a party in our 20’s and initially had a whirlwind romance - very intense and passionate. We were making up for lost time. At the time it felt like it was meant to be. We had so much in common and I connected with him in a way that I never have with anyone else.  I believed that we were soulmates. We were together just over 4 years , moved in together and discussed getting engaged. 
 

Unfortunately our relationship became pretty toxic. We were crazy in love and young. I think that we were both too young to handle the intensity of our relationship. He broke my heart by cheating on me. My self esteem was totally crushed. To make things worse I found an old laptop and discovered that he’d been emailing a friend for advice stating that I was the love of his life but he felt that he could get a more attractive woman. 
 

We separated - he persued me for almost a year after we split trying to make amends for what he had done but I knew that I could never forgive his actions and his cruel comments he’d made about me behind my back. Saying this he did start to break me down - after all he was my moon and my stars and I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. 
 

I agreed to meet him for a chat - in this time he’d met another girl but continued to message me saying how much he loved me and wanted to get back together. I didn’t blame him for moving on - after all I’d said no for the best part of a year. I just didn’t appreciate the mind games when he was in another relationship. A mutual friend told me that he’d said I was the love of his life but his new girlfriend was much more attractive than me. Which just added to my heartache. We had one final argument and didn’t speak for years. 

 

We’re now in our mid 30’s and he’s got a job where I work and I have to see him most days. It’s so tense and awkward. You can cut the atmosphere with a knife. I don’t have romantic feelings for him anymore but the anger and resentment is very strong. 
 

Does anyone have any tips or advice on how to maturely handle this situation? I feel like this guy terrorised my teens , destroyed my 20’s and I’m still not free of him in my 30’s. 

[glows]

Is he full time or do you see him regularly at work or occasionally only? Think of the relationship as strictly professional. There's resentment but don't let it get the better of you at work. It's not the time or the place to air out the past or any personal issues. 

I can imagine this is probably bringing back a lot of emotions like anger and betrayal. He wasn't your "moon and your stars". Far from it. Now you know better, keep your distance and focus on your work when you're at work. Don't let this consume you.

[Happy Lemming]

Is he professional at work??  Does he say anything to you that is awkward?? 

My suggestion...  change jobs.  Put your resume out there and test the waters, there may be a better opportunity at a different company.

If a job becomes difficult for whatever reason, you move on.  My theory on jobs was...  when I have more bad days (at work) than good ones, I seek new employment.

During my working career, I had this great "head hunter" that had this uncanny ability to know when I needed a change.  She would call me up from time to time and say... "Just checking in... by the way I've got this new opportunity that came across my desk and I think it might fit you... are you ready to make a change?"  And 90% of the time, she was right and I was all too happy to move on.

[Howsoonisnow80]

We don’t speak. We both pretend as though we don’t know each other which works 99% of the time. He does work full time and I do see him regularly. 
Unfortunately our colleagues are aware that we have a history and I often get asked questions about our relationship which is pretty frustrating. I’m very happy in my job and have a much more senior role than him so I don’t see why I should leave my job. Plus I worked there for years before he started. 
 

It’s hacked open some old wounds for sure. I also resent that fact that something that was a terrible time in my life is ‘office gossip’ 
 

 

[Happy Lemming]

The "office gossip" will calm down if you don't feed it.  People will get bored and move on to another subject.

Did this guy know you worked there when he applied for the job??

[Howsoonisnow80]

Yes that’s true. It’s still early days it will be forgotten about shortly I’m sure. 
 

I don’t think so. We’ve not seen/spoken to each other for years and have no mutual friends so I can’t see how he would have known. I don’t think there’s anything malicious to it - just a horrible coincidence. 

[Happy Lemming]

10 minutes ago, Howsoonisnow80 said:

I don’t think there’s anything malicious to it - just a horrible coincidence. 

It doesn't appear he is trying to cause you any angst... You said he acts like he doesn't know, so he is being quiet and not trying to stir anything up.  I guess if you want to stay at this company, you'll just have to put up with him working there.

Is there a lot of "turnover" in his position, do most workers (in that position) come and go every few months??  Do you think he could work in this position for a couple of months and leave for a better opportunity??

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Howsoonisnow80 said:

We don’t speak. We both pretend as though we don’t know each other which works 99% of the time. He does work full time and I do see him regularly. 
Unfortunately our colleagues are aware that we have a history and I often get asked questions about our relationship which is pretty frustrating. I’m very happy in my job and have a much more senior role than him so I don’t see why I should leave my job.

Excellent. You outrank him. Karma, no? Just keep it professional as you have been and sidestep nosy questions with vague answers.

Just laugh to yourself that he's an underling and a clown.🤡 He  has no power over you.

As far as office gossip, use noise cancellation technology. If they bring up this nosy stuff simply talk about your amazing happy life etc. Feed them with what you want spread around.🍽

Edited April 29, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

9 hours ago, Howsoonisnow80 said:

We don’t speak. We both pretend as though we don’t know each other which works 99% of the time. He does work full time and I do see him regularly. 
Unfortunately our colleagues are aware that we have a history and I often get asked questions about our relationship which is pretty frustrating. I’m very happy in my job and have a much more senior role than him so I don’t see why I should leave my job. Plus I worked there for years before he started. 
 

It’s hacked open some old wounds for sure. I also resent that fact that something that was a terrible time in my life is ‘office gossip’ 
 

 

It will likely blow over. Don't let this get you down.

I'd just quit attributing any meaning to that person/situation/event, mentally and emotionally. You get to control what that person means in your life. He was once part of your past and although it hurts, acknowledge it but then let it go.

It's much healthier than continuing to harbour any resentment or ongoing angst and you'll save a lot of your energy that way. I'd avoid that at all costs because it'll come through in the way you interact with him (if you have to) or with your coworkers. My energy is precious to me so I prioritize good thoughts and good feelings over others. If you value your career and your profession, simply don't attribute any other extra meaning to him by accepting what he used to be and now realizing what he is is not. 

Limit the time discussing any personal topics with coworkers also and continue doing the above (do not attribute any extra meaning to this person). You can change the topic at any time after the original brief pleasantries. Create better boundaries that way and don't let others cross them. Eventually they'll see how uneventful and unimpactful their chatter is and move on to the next thing.

 

[mark clemson]

I think you're handling it about as maturely as can be expected.

You could consider talking to a therapist to help you process your residual feelings about this.

People "fall in love with the wrong person" all the time. In your case, though, you've fallen back out of love.

You don't mention a new person in your life. Is it possible his continued presence is making it more difficult for you to emotionally bond with a new partner? If so, that would be another reason to consider therapy. For some, it's very hard to find someone new until they've "fully" let go.

[Howsoonisnow80]

I’m currently single. My relationship with my ex has caused a lot of issues in my love life. 
I find it really hard to trust people 

I’m convinced that I’m absolutely hideous and have zero self esteem. 
 

I was doing a lot better but seeing him again has brought all of those negative feelings back. 
 

 

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Howsoonisnow80 said:

I’m convinced that I’m absolutely hideous and have zero self esteem. 

Have you ever had therapy?  Maybe it's time.  You are not absolutely hideous.  His bad choices are not your fault.  The fact that you still have self esteem issues over them is you giving him too much power.  That is within your control.  If you don't want therapy at least get books on rebuilding your self esteem &do the exercises.  You need to re-learn your own value & finally learn that his opinion about who you are or what you are worth has no merit in your life.  You are important but you have to live that.