Dating Dilemma

[Miss Peach]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

If you do decide to get married, have a prenup assigned. deadbeat guys can suck you dry. I already know someone who is going through a rough separation. She is probably going to end up paying him alimony when the divorce is finalized. He is purposely not earning any income. And they lost everything because of him.

I can attest to this. I supported my ex-husband while we were married because he would never find any work and wound up in this same situation paying alimony.

43 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

And maybe that was his sole purpose to come into your life?  If people (general, not "you") thought less linearly, and more multi-layered about the stuff that happens to them and the people that come into your life and go out, I think it would be better.  I'm convinced some people come into your life not to BE the relationship you are supposed to be in or a "failure" if it ends up breaking up, BUT to sometimes teach you about yourself....so you can be more whole, more on target, more ready when the right person enters your life.

I think there is some truth to this. I'm wondering if that might be what #2 is. He's showing you #1 isn't enough. I recently went through something similar where I met a guy that had some qualities I wanted and told myself I wasn't going to ever let a guy be my boyfriend for less. But something with the guy was missing so I let him go. I just recently met another guy who has that with a lot more in common and chemistry.

 

I vote #3 too. Maybe have a little more fun with #2 if you can see it fizzle but it sounds like you're getting more and more invested rather than less so watch that.

[Nissu]

21 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

$60K is a LOT of not paying attention!

 

In your OP,  you said he chose not to press charges.  

Did his story change?

Hi @introverted1 - no his story didn't change - I just did not provide all the details in my OP because if he or the prosecutor, chose not to pursue criminal charges, he still could have sued her civilly.  

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, Nissu said:

The embezzlement has much more behind it....he dated a girl who did his books & after breaking up she continued to handle them & he didn't pay attention & she was making purchases for herself on his business account.  When he realized what was going on, he freaked & reported to the police then she offered to start paying him back, sent him one payment of $1500 and then the police/prosecution said his acceptance of the payment meant they couldn't prosecute.....but I really don't know if there is more to it than this & I don't understand how acceptance of a small payment ends any prosecution.

I don't understand, either, especially since he'd have had to have taken her to court for someone to say he could not collect.  The police don't adjudicate crimes.  In fact, they are not usually involved in civil matters.  So none of this makes sense.

 

Quote

 His iffy tax situation really revolves around the nature of contractor business and cash jobs. In theory by not reporting all the cash, taxes are lower but on paper it would look like he made little income....leading to difficulty getting loans and also social security benefits being calculated on under-reported income.  I lived this tax situation with my ex-husband and it was one of the reasons we divorced so I told guy #2 he has to change that & see an accountant.  He completely agreed and now has a plan to deal with the cash & a tax strategy.  Its a big & costly change for him but he did it without any fighting or disagreement.

 

So he makes enough money that he's been under-reporting his income IRS, but also doesn't have enough money to start an IRA or other retirement savings account?  What has he been doing with the excess? 

This guy's situation is super messy, especially considering that he's in his 50's. How little attention was he paying to his books that his gf could be stealing from him for 3 years?  How did he not know his bank balance when he wrote the check for $250?  How did he not notice the returned check fee? I am sure he's telling you that the gf was hiding the mail, etc., but it's alarming that he abdicated all responsibility for his financial well-being.

So yeah, messy situation + history of poor picker/boundaries (assuming the story about the gf is legit) = proceed at your own peril.

 

Edited April 29, 2021 by introverted1

[Gaeta]

58 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

How little attention was he paying to his books that his gf could be stealing from him for 3 years? 

I'm thinking this man and  his ex were partner in crimes to take money out of the company without taxing themselves on it. Probably she was just handing the entire money to him (for a little benefit) so that's why he's not pursuing her. 

A search on this guy would reveal a lot on his involvement but OP doesn't seem interested in knowing the truth. Criminal records are public.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Nissu said:

Does any of this additional detail change perspective for anyone?

No. Run . Typical conman 'he's the victim' type story.

[SaraSays]

22 hours ago, Nissu said:

I feel like guy #2 is my unicorn

The first 3 months are limerence. You're not beyond that period yet, so you're both looking at each other through rose-tinted glasses, not reality. After 4 seasons together, we start to get a sense of someone, and show a bit of who we are, too. Limerence is a fake indication of who they are, and who we are. We fill in the blanks with the best possible version of events, and we can't see the wood for the trees. There's really no substitute for time. Slow down, and try to be objective about what it's possible to know, and not, at any moment in time. Emotions cloud judgement in the early days. We can get swept away in an adventure, that's merely a sandcastle.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Nissu said:

Hi Ami1uwant - Yes it was an about face from when we first got serious & I did ask him why he changed his mind....he said he just doesn't think he could go through another marriage (he was divorced twice).  I was shocked because I had made it clear from day one I eventually wanted to re-marry & I felt he should have told me he changed his mind so I could decide to either move on & find someone who wanted what I was looking for or stay in the relationship on his terms.  He just could not see my point of view that I was mad & hurt he didn't tell me he changed his mind.  This is just one of the examples of his lack of empathy - he tends to see his point of view and struggles to understand others' perspectives. 

I don’t think is a good example of empathy. This is a personal decision. If he said he wanted to then changed his mind then there was a reason. Ifyou ignored him dodging the question early on then the fault isn’t on him.

 

to me empathy  is more about caring and compassion and being understanding.

 

 

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

If she embezzled from him it does not track that he would be arrested for taking money from his own company.  There's more to this story then you understand or that he is revealing.  rather than change anything for me, it solidifies for me that he's not to be trusted financially.  His relationship with money -- not having any savings now -- is you repeating the pattern that rightly broke up your marriage.  Why do you want more of that in your life. 

100%  !!!!

Then I caught the fact that he's been married twice AND had time for a 3 year gf supposedly who let he let in to the extent where she did all this to him.  One thing for sure, he is on top of the get into a relationship quick, fast and easily--probably with some version of love bombing and the "emotional fulfillment".  But seems like what you get on the surface isn't the real deal OR this would not be his trajectory.

I definitely do not trust this story. Sounds completely implausible. Why would he be in trouble at all if she was the one stealing?? Maybe only if he had a business partner and he and his ex-gf were concealing her theft and repayment from the partner.  Still that leaves him unethical, untrustworthy, bad with money, all of the above.  It's a character flaw.  Also seeing as I don't believe that story at all, he is taking you for a fool to tell you an implausible blah blah story, in which the facts don't make ANY sense.  He either thinks you are stupid and/or that he can get away with it. Not a changed man by any means. And not respectful of you.

You want to get married again and this guy will never be a prospect for marriage.  On that alone, you should dump him.  I'm not saying that because of his financial contribution but he has character issues related to money.  Character issues related to money, are simply character issues--they will come up again in some way, fashion or form. When push comes to shove, someone with character issues, will do or say anything to come out ok/on top.  Do you really need this in your life?  I would have such little respect for some like this.  Who unreports his income and does all the other shady stuff and gets involved in messy ways with others.  Also how does a guy with not much to his name, lose track of $60k.  That alone doesn't make sense.  The way he's being discussed, I'm guessing that would be maybe 1/2 or 1/3 of his income at best.  You can't miss that.  He's lying. Sorry

[Nissu]

Thank you to everyone who took time to read & reply!   Just want to clarify the embezzling & bad check have nothing to do with each other, except for the fact his check bounced due to insufficient funds during the timeframe the girl was embezzling from him.  And I did have a police officer friend run his CORI & confirm the bad check arrest is the only thing on his record.  I am more bothered by his lack of savings/retirement while working a job without security.  I am just too risk-adverse for that in my life.

@Versacehottie - great post about maybe guy #2 came into my life for a reason.  It has certainly changed things for the better with guy #1.

The comment about limerance is excellent too.  I agree very much!   

I am planning on ending things with guy #2 - his "stuff" is just too messy.

[Versacehottie]

59 minutes ago, Nissu said:

Thank you to everyone who took time to read & reply!   Just want to clarify the embezzling & bad check have nothing to do with each other, except for the fact his check bounced due to insufficient funds during the timeframe the girl was embezzling from him.  And I did have a police officer friend run his CORI & confirm the bad check arrest is the only thing on his record.  I am more bothered by his lack of savings/retirement while working a job without security.  I am just too risk-adverse for that in my life.

@Versacehottie - great post about maybe guy #2 came into my life for a reason.  It has certainly changed things for the better with guy #1.

The comment about limerance is excellent too.  I agree very much!   

I am planning on ending things with guy #2 - his "stuff" is just too messy.

Thank you! 

Oh and yes I understood that the check writing and embezzling were separate events.  That makes me see him overall as worse not better.  In my mind, that makes it a REPEATED pattern of not being accountable or responsible when it comes to his finances---that's IF one believes that story.  I actually barely believe it.  One would almost have to believe this guy is one of the unluckiest around.  I don't know where you live (Pittsburgh or Boston, maybe? lol just guessing bc of your logo) but where I live, the police are pursuing a bad check unless it is over a certain amount or a repeated pattern.  So let's pretend it is what he says, he'd have to both have the bad luck to run into a vendor who took it to the extreme, and also the bad luck to have police who prosecuted it to the extreme.  Best case: he's just the unluckiest guy around and clueless about his finances and bank balance.  Worst case: he's lying to you and pretty lucky when it comes to getting away with things.  I just usually vote on what is most LIKELY.  I would say in this case, probably the worst case scenario is most likely. Police are pretty lenient when it comes to this matters on a small amount of money, and push it back onto the vendor, small claims type thing.  And given that the embezzlement story has so many holes in it, he is most likely repeatedly lying or giving a half truth version, and concealing the really messy parts.

I forgot to say in my previous post, if we believe the story on the embezzlement that it was all the ex-gf's doing, he even MISMANAGED things with that once he found out. (another reason why it's not that plausible that it was all her; he's not acting like a reasonable person would in that situation).  So back to his mismanaging that event: If it was the amount of $60k, he would have already known that she had little ability to pay it back as they were living together (right?) $1500 is a drop in the bucket on $60k owed. And she probably wouldn't have had to steal it if she had extra money lying around--so her ability to repay isn't believable at all, ie poor judgement, boundaries, etc if we believe his version, at BEST for him.  At worst, he was likely complicit and there was some sort of scam going on, between the both of them or he just blamed her and maybe it was all/mostly him.

Anyway, glad you are moving on.  While lack of savings for retirement is a reason I guess to break up with him, actually the other stuff poses as much or more of a risk.  In any case you'd be carrying him, whether just because he'd need to live off of you or because he would betray your trust in some way or do something stupid which you would be entangled in or certainly would affect you due to him getting in trouble again.

Good luck

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Nissu said:

I am planning on ending things with guy #2 - his "stuff" is just too messy.

Agree. It's not just bouncing checks. Good luck with guy#1 or #3 (one you haven't met yet who's better than these two)

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

I forgot to say in my previous post, if we believe the story on the embezzlement that it was all the ex-gf's doing, he even MISMANAGED things with that once he found out. (another reason why it's not that plausible that it was all her;

Add to that he was not recording his cash sales and as the person who did the accounting she HAD TO be part of this scam as well. 

[Phallacy]

Tis the reason I avoid LTR. The emphasis on husbands over fun.

no thanks