Merge Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 I have discovered a couple of weeks ago that my husband books massage therapist s (providing full services) to his hotel room on business trips. We have been together 26 years, married for just under 20 Years, 3 teenager kids. I logged onto his iPad a couple of weeks ago and I don’t know why but decided to go through his messages & I discovered numerous messages from a previous business trip back and forth to numerous numbers booking someone to come out his hotel room. To say that I am utterly and totally broken would be putting it mildly. I firmly believe that this has probably being going on throughout our marriage as about 14 years ago a dubious message popped up on his phone which he talked his way out saying that it was mates messing with his phone. Oh how stupid am I. I have not confronted him yet as I am in a precarious situation having just sold our family home And proceeds in his bank account. Also I have a teenager with mental health problems. I have stayed at home with the kids for the last 16 years and let him look after all our finances. I feel I need to put eggs in my basket with regards to our finances and get legal advice before I confront him. (We are comfortable with no money worries) Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the years But I would have described us now and solid snd content. I feel I can’t confront him for a few months and am currently living an out of body experience every day and giving the performance of my life. Yes I am still having sex with him. I believe the right thing by me is when I have everything in order I should leAve him but I Am still very much in love with him. I have managed to have permanent access to his messages unbeknownst to him on another device (which I know is wrong) and am like a sitting duck to waiting for him to go on a business trip. I also feel having hard evidence should I leave him would be better also. I am seeing a physiologist myself over this which is helping me function daily a d my do tor has prescribed anti depressants and xanex as I have started to get panic attacks. My physiologist affirms by decision to wait to ensure that I am financially up to date and have spoken with di or before confronting him but my GP Dias agrees believing the impact on my mental health it’s better to face full on. I am so torn. The thoughts off confronting him and saying goodbye to my life as I know it and breaking my family up for my kids is soul destroying. I do know my own personality and know no matter how much counciling etc we could get I would never ever be able to trust him he travels all the time with his work. I never ever would have dreamed he was capable of doing this and I really believe he’s gotten away with it for so many years is there so much other sh4t I don’t know about. I have no family support and live the other side of the world from my family and friends due to his work so leaving him really sets me out on my own. I never knew it was possible to immensely hate and despise someone but also still intently love them. I am utterly destroyed xx 1 1
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 Start gathering copies of the financial documents, especially the bank records showing that the proceeds of the house sale went into his bank account. Presumably the check was paid to you both so you had to endorse it. Get a copy of that check as proof of your entitlement. Get yourself to the doctor ASAP. You need an STD test. As for confronting him, there is no legal need. If you live in a no-fault divorce state his cheating doesn't matter. It will not change the financial outcome of your divorce. Do speak to a lawyer. You need to educate yourself about your rights. 2
Author Merge Posted April 28, 2021 Author Posted April 28, 2021 Yes I already have had tests through my dr and clear! 4
Wiseman2 Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 2 hours ago, Merge said: Yes I already have had tests through my dr and clear! Have someone help you check your credit, your bank accounts, your credit cards, you assets, etc. Remember he's wasting marital assets on this, and your children's education is being squandered on his sleazy behavior. If you don't confront him on the risks and harm he is causing you and your children future etc., he'll just keep doing it. Don't go on about panic attacks, but rather the more tangible aspects of harm he is doing. Tell him it's marriage therapy or divorce
elaine567 Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Merge said: I am in a precarious situation having just sold our family home And proceeds in his bank account. This is problematic to say the least. Why was it decided the money should go into his personal account? Do you have fixed plans to buy another house or is it all up in the air? Edited April 28, 2021 by elaine567
BaileyB Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 I’m sorry that this has happened to you. I don’t know that I could deal with this either. You are doing the right thing by preparing for divorce - finances should be your primary focus particularly because he has had control of the finances during your marriage. Your lawyer will guide the way. Divorce seems to be the best option, I can’t imagine saying in a marriage and feeling the kind of anxiety you are explaining. You need to make the decisions you need to make to find peace of mind and stability again. As much as this turn of events has changed your marriage forever, it’s understandable that you will have a lot of grieving to do. Take care of yourself.
FMW Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 Go see a divorce attorney to get professional advice on what needs to be done now to safeguard your financial interests. Your husband doesn't have to know about it. Many attorneys will provide free initial consultations that can provide really useful information. It doesn't mean you're definitely going to divorce, you're just educating yourself about what you can expect instead of worrying and fearing the worst about your options. Taking that step will probably make you feel a little more in control of things and help you make further decisions. Don't just wait to see what's going to happen next, waiting for his next out of town trip, secretly reviewing his messages. That's only going to make you feel crazy and powerless. 1
elaine567 Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 4 hours ago, Merge said: I have no family support and live the other side of the world from my family and friends Time to try to reconnect with friends and family if you can. I am afraid the "travelling for business/work" man is very often a man not to be trusted. Too many opportunities to get up to no good and not be found out. A girl in every port mentality. The clueless wife at home keeping everything organised for his return. You threw your whole lot in with a man who no doubt is a good provider but has indulged his sexual fantasies elsewhere. I could not live with such a man, but I am not in your shoes. I do think you need to think very carefully about the consequences here before you blow everything up. Sometimes people have to tolerate the unthinkable in order to keep the life they have. As you "love" him and you are in a pretty bad position if you were to leave, no job, mentally ill teenager, no support... then maybe you would be better served by figuring out how you can stay and remain sane rather than preparing to leave into the unknown... Of course, even if you do stay, he may be half way out the door anyway, so get your ducks in a row... 1
mark clemson Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 IF you choose to divorce, having some court-admissible evidence of the extra-marital sex might net you a better settlement. That would be a question for lawyers in your jurisdiction and might or might not make any difference, but in the meantime I'd hang on to what you have. In many jurisdictions bank accounts that aren't inheritances or gifts are joint property, so have the bank and account number documented + perhaps a copy of some bank statements. For example if you have documentation that the house was sold and there was $500K in a bank account at some point, then even if he were to move it around on you, the question would remain of "where did that go?" as well as "half of that's mine" etc. But again those would be questions for lawyers if you even get to that point. If it were me, I'd insist that the house money go into a bank account with my name on it (joint would be ok, for me) irrespective of whether I was divorcing. 3
MsJayne Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 I feel for you, this would be a nightmare for any spouse to live through, the feeling that the marriage is a sham and not being able to confront him, plus the confusion of not knowing where you really stand. You must be sick with worry. I agree with everyone else about getting your legal ducks in a row, the sale of your family home and the settlement proceeds going into his bank account has an ominous ring to it. Is it possible he's be planning to blindside you and end the marriage with no warning?
lana-banana Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 A man who has cheated for over a decade is highly unlikely to end things with no warning---why would he ruin a good thing that he can apparently enjoy scot-free? OP, I strongly advise you to consult with a lawyer to best protect yourself based on your situation and the laws where you live. (Also let's not pretend regular business travel is some kind of novelty or red flag, come on now. Outside COVID times it's a requirement for anybody in a halfway decent managerial and technical role.)
Author Merge Posted April 28, 2021 Author Posted April 28, 2021 (edited) Thank you all for taking the time to offer up your advice. He is an extremely successfull business man. We fortunately on the financial side are more than comfortable owing properties in our home country outright with some of these in my name so I know financially I will be fine. We sold our main home here and are in the process of looking for a new one which is why I think I should wait until that purchase is made. I am not concerned about financial side of it (have already now got copies of everything - he does not hide anything ) & we could all live our live out comfortably as is. He also took out a very generous pension for me in my name. I really believe his success has gone to his head , this is just another transaction for him for pleasure, he is a narcissist, selfish man, (not very good with emotions empathy etc but I knew this when I married him) and I have always ran circles around him. I don’t believe he has a foot out the door at all. I think in his world he’s living the dream, very successful business man, suburban wife & kids at home and fun, excitement when he travels with no strings attached. I really believe if I were to never confront him he would happily live his life out this way. He has always overly generously provided for the kids and I and regardless of the outcome of our marriage I know I will be ok financially wise. When I say precarious and money in his bank and confronting now I mean would rather wait and have a new house purchased before confronting him. This would be less stressful for the kids & I if we already in a home. Oh my god I’m so all over the place. In his own messed up way I know. He absolutely loves me but obviously has absolutely no respect for me. I think of our daughters and if their future partners done this to them how would he feel, he would murder them. Why are some men so selfish and believe they are above and beyond all recourse. I am utterly bone weary tired and drained from the moment I open my eyes until I close them at night. It is all consuming. Getting more substantial evidence is for when I do confront him he can’t talk his way out saying he’s only just recently done it or a once off etc. do you know the truly sad thing is that I wished I never had discovered the messages and I did live my life out not ever being any the wiser but now that I do know there is no way I could live true to myself and move past this. I feel our whole marriage has just been a sham. I believe his dad may have played the field & his mum turned a blind eye & stayed with him until the end. So I think my husband is trying to repeat history. I feel like I’m drowning and can’t breadth at the moment as it only been a few weeks. I also feel I need to let the inositol shock, hurt & anger dispel before all decisions are made and finalised. I have an appointment in 2 weeks time with a lawyer and I think following that I will be better placed to move forward and make firm plans. My heart is utterly broken in 2. I would never dream of telling my children the truth but they will be utterly shattered as they have a very happy home life with two parents they believe each other & are very happy. God I think of the times I have given people marital advice over the years, little did I know. God that just reminds me of how disgusted my husband was with an old friend of his when he heard he had left his wife & kids and set up home with a younger woman a few years back.if I remember my bad and said he deserved to be shot!!! How laughable is that !!! Writing all this down I’m laughing & crying all at the same time. The impact on my mental health is phenomenal. Having sex with him is like I’m in a further plain watching down on two other people. Him telling me he loves me afterwards . Him snoring, me crying. I will be strong for my kids, I will get through this somehow. I hold my head up high as I have always been nothing but a supportive partner and good mum’s dinner it is him that has all the issues!!!! Edited April 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language, paragraphs 3
HadMeOverABarrel Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 17 hours ago, Merge said: I feel I need to put eggs in my basket with regards to our finances and get legal advice before I confront him. This is wise. 17 hours ago, Merge said: Yes I am still having sex with him. I'm concerned for your health (std's). I hope you are taking other measures to guard your health like vitamins, plenty of water, exercise...the stress you are under takes a terrible toll on the body. Sorry you are going through this. I hope you are able to recover from this in the shortest time possible.
HadMeOverABarrel Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Tell him it's marriage therapy or divorce This husband has issues that marriage counseling can't fix. OP wisely stated she could never trust him again. The extent of his betrayal shows he has a deeply flawed character (possibly a personality disorder or an addictive personality at best). 1
HadMeOverABarrel Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 1 minute ago, S2B said: Don’t wait and buy the next house with him- you could use your half of the proceeds to buy your own home. I was thinking this too.
Caauug Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 15 hours ago, elaine567 said: I am afraid the "travelling for business/work" man is very often a man not to be trusted. Too many opportunities to get up to no good and not be found out. A girl in every port mentality. The clueless wife at home keeping everything organised for his return. If this is true, than the opposite should also be true.... Every wife should be bare foot and pregnant in the kitchen or she will be running around with every man in town!!! What anyone does for a living (outside of the sex trade) has no bearing on infidelity.... I know heaps of men that travel for work that would never cheat on their wives/GFs. I would nearly say it is more common for the wife to cheat while the husband is away providing for his family..... Not in this case but... 1
elaine567 Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 7 hours ago, Merge said: I know financially I will be fine. Well that changes things somewhat. Living a lie, to maintain the status quo and be able to live somewhat comfortably and make sure your kids are Ok is not necessary if you are going to be fine financially if you divorce. BUT uprooting oneself and making big changes is always difficult. However "change" came looking for you, and in order to live a better and freer life then it may not actually be a bad thing, once you get over the shock. Buying this new house will keep you stuck, but if it is the only way to move the money from his account to the general pot without incurring lawyers fees and fighting about it in court then it may be worth it.
Wiseman2 Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 Ok so you want to turn a blind eye. Perhaps your distress is not all about this. You seem bitter and contemptuous. That's ok. You're accepting the arrangements and facade.
Marc878 Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 Your H is a serial cheater. They never stop. if you stay this will be the rest of your life with him. 1
Miss Peach Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 Many posters already told you about the practical side of this. I just wanted to send some virtual hugs. I had a BF who was trying to cheat with and date sex workers behind my back. He didn't actually get anywhere other than a few meals with them as far as I know. Still it was a huge betrayal and I always had issues trusting him again. I couldn't imagine how it must feel knowing it was probably a much longer period of time with someone I was more serious with. 1
Author Merge Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 On 4/29/2021 at 7:41 PM, Marc878 said: Your H is a serial cheater. They never stop. if you stay this will be the rest of your life with him. On 4/30/2021 at 3:50 AM, Miss Peach said: Many posters already told you about the practical side of this. I just wanted to send some virtual hugs. Thank you Miss Peach, I’m utterly broken
Starswillshine Posted May 6, 2021 Posted May 6, 2021 On 4/28/2021 at 7:39 PM, Merge said: Thank you all for taking the time to offer up your advice. He is an extremely successfull business man. We fortunately on the financial side are more than comfortable owing properties in our home country outright with some of these in my name so I know financially I will be fine. We sold our main home here and are in the process of looking for a new one which is why I think I should wait until that purchase is made. I am not concerned about financial side of it (have already now got copies of everything - he does not hide anything ) & we could all live our live out comfortably as is. He also took out a very generous pension for me in my name. I really believe his success has gone to his head , this is just another transaction for him for pleasure, he is a narcissist, selfish man, (not very good with emotions empathy etc but I knew this when I married him) and I have always ran circles around him. I don’t believe he has a foot out the door at all. I think in his world he’s living the dream, very successful business man, suburban wife & kids at home and fun, excitement when he travels with no strings attached. I really believe if I were to never confront him he would happily live his life out this way. He has always overly generously provided for the kids and I and regardless of the outcome of our marriage I know I will be ok financially wise. When I say precarious and money in his bank and confronting now I mean would rather wait and have a new house purchased before confronting him. This would be less stressful for the kids & I if we already in a home. Oh my god I’m so all over the place. In his own messed up way I know. He absolutely loves me but obviously has absolutely no respect for me. I think of our daughters and if their future partners done this to them how would he feel, he would murder them. Why are some men so selfish and believe they are above and beyond all recourse. I am utterly bone weary tired and drained from the moment I open my eyes until I close them at night. It is all consuming. Getting more substantial evidence is for when I do confront him he can’t talk his way out saying he’s only just recently done it or a once off etc. do you know the truly sad thing is that I wished I never had discovered the messages and I did live my life out not ever being any the wiser but now that I do know there is no way I could live true to myself and move past this. I feel our whole marriage has just been a sham. I believe his dad may have played the field & his mum turned a blind eye & stayed with him until the end. So I think my husband is trying to repeat history. I feel like I’m drowning and can’t breadth at the moment as it only been a few weeks. I also feel I need to let the inositol shock, hurt & anger dispel before all decisions are made and finalised. I have an appointment in 2 weeks time with a lawyer and I think following that I will be better placed to move forward and make firm plans. My heart is utterly broken in 2. I would never dream of telling my children the truth but they will be utterly shattered as they have a very happy home life with two parents they believe each other & are very happy. God I think of the times I have given people marital advice over the years, little did I know. God that just reminds me of how disgusted my husband was with an old friend of his when he heard he had left his wife & kids and set up home with a younger woman a few years back.if I remember my bad and said he deserved to be shot!!! How laughable is that !!! Writing all this down I’m laughing & crying all at the same time. The impact on my mental health is phenomenal. Having sex with him is like I’m in a further plain watching down on two other people. Him telling me he loves me afterwards . Him snoring, me crying. I will be strong for my kids, I will get through this somehow. I hold my head up high as I have always been nothing but a supportive partner and good mum’s dinner it is him that has all the issues!!!! Sounds all too familiar. The traveling, successful husband. My ex didn't hire escorts but did have women in all the towns/cities he frequented. There were for sure some exotic dancers as one night stands, I am pretty sure... given some texts I read between him and his friends. The plus side is you don't have to worry about finances. That makes things a little easier to make a decision, but it does not make the pain go away. The shock. The vision you had for your future. Etc. I am so sorry.
Author Merge Posted July 22, 2021 Author Posted July 22, 2021 Hi, I thought I would provide an update. I confronted my husband and yes I was right, throughout our marriage he was engaging with prostitutes. Was very upfront and honest from the initial shock of being caught. I sought legal advice first and then I confronted him.. I did not argue, I presented the information I had, there wax slot of emotions on both sides. It was happening on monthly basis so there have been hundreds. He said he did it bacause he could , nothing more nothing less. He begged forgiveness, would do anything required for me to stay with him, meant nothing etc etc. Unfortunately the deceit & lies, the mental & physical risks he’s posed to my family I made the decision to kick him out. One month on from this I have moved back to my home country and my children & I are surrounded by family & friends. He is currently tying up loose ends with work and will move back in the next few months to be near to the kids. We explained to the kids that we were not in love anymore but still cared for each other and felt that we needed to be with family which they have all readily accepted although I know the transition will be tough for them. I have no desire to attend any counselling etc with him , I will attend therapy for myself , and my kids which their father can join in when he gets here. He has been more than accommodating working through our financials as I do truly believe he wants us all to be looked after although I also know he is trying to buy my confidentiality. I don’t know if I will ever recover from the loss of this but I know for my kids health it is better that we do not stay together. The children have appeared to have embraced the move very positively but know we are set up for a roller coaster ride considering they found out their parents were separating and 3 weeks later the were moving to the other side of the world. I have made these decisions rashly but not unthinking and have chosen the path that I truly believe will have the best outcome for the children & I. Thank you to all of you who were kind enough to offer advice xx 5 1
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 Best of luck to you in moving forward and starting fresh. I followed your previous posts but didn’t comment. I admire your strength and courage in making this move. I believe all will work out in the long run but am sorry for all your pain. I would not have been able to stay either, and it is good that he will be moving close to be able to be in the children’s lives. Time does heal though it may not seem like it now.
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