How much contact prior to first meeting?

[Redguitar35]

OLD. I’ll try to schedule a first meeting as soon as possible — like either the next day or the day after. But women always seem to insist on like 5 days in future because they’re busy.
We get the date scheduled and the I leave them alone. At the same time, they don’t reach out to me either. Then I follow up with them a day before to see if we’re still on. Of course they usually flake and cancel. 
Is it because I don’t text enough in between scheduling the date and the date itself? How much texting do women expect prior to the first date? Am I supposed to be doing more to maintain their interest before the date happens??

Edited April 28, 2021 by Redguitar35

[BrianK]

As little as possible and make it quick so there is no lull between chatting and meeting.  Don't ask on a Monday for a Saturday date and go quiet until Friday night.  Meet within 2 days of asking and get the timing right.

Edited April 28, 2021 by BrianK

[Dis]

The day/night I started talking to the guy, the date was planned for that week (assuming there the convo went well)...no later than 2-5 days out

 

The guys I talked to were consistent and texted me frequently and I liked that. It's unsettling to go out with a stranger when you don't feel some kind of mutual excitement and connection there so I think a rapport is a good thing. Within moderation it prevents fade out before the date too. 

 

If all you do if plan the date and she doesn't hear from you, I can see why you would get phased out...assuming that's what's happening 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

OLD. I’ll try to schedule a first meeting as soon as possible — like either the next day or the day after. 

Nope. You need to give more notice. That's why you are getting the busy signal. 

Ask first when they are free to meet. Then set that up.

Lunging in for asap makes you appear bored and desperate and overly available.

You don't have to kill it with texting chitchat until then, but stay on the radar.

Edited April 28, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

I think 3 days in advance seems to be the sweet spot. With Covid making a reservation in advance so you can get into whatever you planned is critical.  

Never ask an OLD prospect to meet you the next day.  That signals that you don't have a life, which is unattractive, or that you expect her to drop everything & rearrange her life for you, which is arrogant & also unattractive.  

If you do schedule for 5 days out, I'd get in touch on day 2 to chat.  Then you can confirm as you do the day before. 

Alas, from reading these boards I think too many people expect daily contact from their new person from the start.  I would find that smothering & artificial.  However ,they will tell you it takes no effort to send a good morning text & therefore they seem to require that.   Since your method hasn't worked, what's the harm in trying increased communication with your next date?  

[Stupidkupid]

Based on your last thread, everything is someone else's fault.

We're all different. When I was dating I didn't mind a message or two prior to date but if you asked me to meet you within a couple of days there is no way I could accommodate that. I often work away from home during the week and have usually made plans for the coming weekend, so a few days notice just won't do it.

But similarly, for others, the sooner the better. Maybe saying you'd love to go on a date and ask when works best for them and gauge the reaction from that. If they happen to say, 'Actually I'm free tomorrow, if you are' then great. 

'I'm busy the next few nights, how about Thursday?' also good sign. 

Maybe then say to leave it to you to find somewhere, giving you a reason to contact them perhaps the following day or the day after. Which keeps communication open without feeling like you're chatting and it keeps the date at the forefront of peoples minds.

Edited April 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
accidental/restored

[GeorgiaPeach1]

No woman wants to feel like a number. Plan the date a few days to a week out, and chat a bit until then to build rapport and break the ice. 

[SumGuy]

14 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

OLD. I’ll try to schedule a first meeting as soon as possible — like either the next day or the day after. But women always seem to insist on like 5 days in future because they’re busy.
We get the date scheduled and the I leave them alone. At the same time, they don’t reach out to me either. Then I follow up with them a day before to see if we’re still on. Of course they usually flake and cancel. 
Is it because I don’t text enough in between scheduling the date and the date itself? How much texting do women expect prior to the first date? Am I supposed to be doing more to maintain their interest before the date happens??

Seriously most people with enough going on need at least 5 days to plan things especially if the weekend is there only time, and especially if they work for others.   The next day or the day after is pretty unrealistic and can also send a message you are just looking to hook up and are in a rush.

Depends on the time span between when the date is accepted and when it is to happen and the nature of communication prior.  If you are having fun and ongoing text/message conversations prior to the date plan; to stop them with out explanation is odd, so explain looking forward to discussing in person.  

If the date is 5 days or more in the future I certainly keep going with whatever communication we had even if scaled back.  The important things is communication, even if you want to stop texting after the date is planned at least explain.

I personally believe how you follow-up confirm is important, but could be very wrong.  I never just say confirming we are still on.  Rather I will "confirm" by saying looking forward to it, and perhaps working in a detail about how may arrive a bit early.

Different women are going to expect different things, some will think continued texting is too much, others will wonder why you dropped off the face of the earth.  What is important is what the women you are attracted to expect.

 

On dates always flaking or canceling on you...is it possible there is something on-line they find out about that is turning them off?

Edited April 28, 2021 by SumGuy

[Redguitar35]

4 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

Based on your last thread, everything is someone elses fault.

 

Flaking and cancelling is never acceptable. If you agree to a date, you need to stick to your agreement. I do not condone flaking, ghosting, and canceling. I don't care how much texting there is first, that is no excuse for flaking. 

Edited April 28, 2021 by Redguitar35

[Redguitar35]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

 

Different women are going to expect different things, some will think continued texting is too much, others will wonder why you dropped off the face of the earth.  What is important is what the women you are attracted to expect.

I have no idea without knowing them. And that's sort of the point of limited contact. It's hard to carry days of conversation with someone you don't know, especially via text. My ideal is to have enough of a conversation online to feel like there could be some potential, ask for a date, then wait for the date to see if anything develops. I don't really see the point of daily texting with a stranger, and plus, I have a lot going on in my life, that sounds kind of exhausting. 

Quote

On dates always flaking or canceling on you...is it possible there is something on-line they find out about that is turning them off?

I don't think so. I don't have much of an online presence connected to me. But it is rare that a date actually sticks to it and doesn't cancel. I would say maybe 4 out of 5 cancel after agreeing to the initial meeting.

They are skipping out without even giving you a chance.

And it's a bad look. It shows not only that you aren't interested but also that you have no respect for the other person or their time. 

Edited April 28, 2021 by Redguitar35

[BaileyB]

15 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

OLD. I’ll try to schedule a first meeting as soon as possible — like either the next day or the day after. But women always seem to insist on like 5 days in future because they’re busy.

Yes, a few days notice is preferable, at least it was for me. I have a variety of different obligations - work, family, friends, home. While there are those who may be able to impulsively join you on a date with a moments notice, not everyone is so inclined. Or able. 

Quote

How much texting do women expect prior to the first date? Am I supposed to be doing more to maintain their interest before the date happens??

Nothing. Some communication is helpful initially to learn if you have enough interest to meet the person. As a woman, I don’t want a strange man texting me before I even meet him - I’m too busy for that!  

[SumGuy]

28 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

I have no idea without knowing them. And that's sort of the point of limited contact. It's hard to carry days of conversation with someone you don't know, especially via text. My ideal is to have enough of a conversation online to feel like there could be some potential, ask for a date, then wait for the date to see if anything develops. I don't really see the point of daily texting with a stranger, and plus, I have a lot going on in my life, that sounds kind of exhausting.  ....

Nothing wrong with having that view, just realize it will filter out women who have a different view. 

Not saying you would have any idea without knowing them, it is more knowing what the women you want themselves want.  Big difference.

Wouldn't recommend not being yourself in this regard, as if you faked it she would think you are someone you are not which can only lead to problems down the road.

[d0nnivain]

36 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

I have no idea without knowing them. And that's sort of the point of limited contact. It's hard to carry days of conversation with someone you don't know, especially via text. My ideal is to have enough of a conversation online to feel like there could be some potential, ask for a date, then wait for the date to see if anything develops. I don't really see the point of daily texting with a stranger, and plus, I have a lot going on in my life, that sounds kind of exhausting. 

I think the answer is you may have to communicate a bit more than you do between dates but if you are not comfortable with daily texting, don't do it.  At least have 1 conversation in between 

[glows]

Sometimes people might not give a reason because they realize half-way through the other person is pushy or a little too aggressive or off. It's not a good idea to provide reasons for disagreeing to a date if at some point someone feels uncomfortable following through. This is a sad but known fact. There's a lot that could go wrong. If for any reason someone feels uncomfortable, canceling or, worse, no-showing is better than showing up completely turned off already. 

Having said that, it could also be that these women you're asking out are flakes anyway or aren't open to dating at all or just window-shopping. That is just as frustrating for anyone who is interested or serious in meeting people or developing a genuine connection. There are duds out there. Why be so harsh on yourself? Take your time.

I prefer a phone call at least prior to a first meet. I would not appreciate someone asking long, indepth questions via text before I've met the person. It depends on the person so there's no one rule for everyone. 

 

 

[Redguitar35]

1 hour ago, glows said:

 

Having said that, it could also be that these women you're asking out are flakes anyway or aren't open to dating at all or just window-shopping. That is just as frustrating for anyone who is interested or serious in meeting people or developing a genuine connection. There are duds out there. 

 

 

 

You hit the nail on the head here. Some people aren't on these apps to waste time. They are making a good faith effort to find their person. And when those people get canceled or flaked on, that is an insult and a slap in the face to those people and they feel discouraged. 

Edited April 28, 2021 by Redguitar35

[d0nnivain]

You have to take the apps with a grain of salt; try it around the rim of a margarita.  People on apps can be flakey because it's not totally real until you meet.  Assume the worst so you won't be disappointed.  It helps to guard your heart but it is so hard not to get hurt when you are invested & looking. 

[Redguitar35]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You have to take the apps with a grain of salt; try it around the rim of a margarita.  People on apps can be flakey because it's not totally real until you meet.  Assume the worst so you won't be disappointed.  It helps to guard your heart but it is so hard not to get hurt when you are invested & looking. 

It's ridiculous that some people are able to find relationships and/or sex at the drop of a hat with zero effort. My best friend found his partner at work. She just saw him there and approached him. It required no effort at all. Meanwhile people like RedGuitar have to suffer the hell of online dating and canceled on by jerks repeatedly and then told on here by users like Stupidkupid to suck it up, adding insult to injury. How is that even remotely fair?

Edited April 28, 2021 by Redguitar35

[glows]

43 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

You hit the nail on the head here. Some people aren't on these apps to waste time. They are making a good faith effort to find their person. And when those people get canceled or flaked on, that is an insult and a slap in the face to those people and they feel discouraged. 

Internalizing it is no good though. I think there are a lot of questionable profiles out there. You just have to wade through it and take your time. If the next date or the next person gets a whiff of a previous hang up or any impatience coming through it's enough to turn that new person off. Not saying that this is what's happening. I don't know you nor will I presume to. 

Just take it one profile at a time and give it a break every now and then. It gets draining after awhile even if you do go on some good dates and it's just not a match.

[basil67]

 

10 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

It's ridiculous that some people are able to find relationships and/or sex at the drop of a hat with zero effort. My best friend found his partner at work. She just saw him there and approached him. It required no effort at all. 

I've been married for too long to speak about online dating, but what you describe is how it works when you meet someone who's a co-worker or attending social thing.  You chat. If you click you go on a date.   Aside from being warm and sociable, little effort is required.

Edited April 28, 2021 by basil67

[Redguitar35]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

 

I've been married for too long to speak about online dating, but what you describe is how it works when you meet someone who's a co-worker or attending social thing.  You chat. If you click you go on a date.   Aside from being warm and sociable, little effort is required.

That's what I'm saying. For some people finding a partner is easy. Others like RedGuitar bust our asses with zero to show for it. 

[basil67]

You're not busting your ass.  Getting a name on online dating doesn't require you to even leave the house or start talking with strangers at a party.  And you don't  bother to send a couple of texts to show your interest before you meet.  And apparently you're not wasting time and effort on people who've lost interest because they cancel and save you from having to do that.  This is seriously low effort. 

 

 

 

Edited April 28, 2021 by basil67

[Redguitar35]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're not busting your ass.  Getting a name on online dating doesn't require you to even leave the house or start talking with strangers at a party. 

 

 

 

You are belitting someone's disillusionment with online dating knowing full well you've never had to do online dating yourself. 

Edited April 28, 2021 by Redguitar35

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

You are belitting someone's disillusionment with online dating knowing full well you've never had to do online dating yourself. 

I get that it's frustrating being cancelled on or not getting matches to start with.  But let's not confuse feeling discouraged with making a lot of effort to meet people.  

[Cora]

29 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

It's ridiculous that some people are able to find relationships and/or sex at the drop of a hat with zero effort. My best friend found his partner at work. She just saw him there and approached him. It required no effort at all. Meanwhile people like RedGuitar have to suffer the hell of online dating and canceled on by jerks repeatedly and then told on here by users like Stupidkupid to suck it up, adding insult to injury. How is that even remotely fair?

It’s just the luck of the draw I suppose. I’ve been OLD for years with zero luck.  I’ve been flaked on, ghosted, lied to, stood up etc...more times than I can count.  Yet my brother signs up for a dating app and isn’t even on there a couple weeks before he finds his fiancé.  Same with my cousin....he signs up and finds an instant girlfriend.  They’ve been together for three years now.  I think OLD works for some, but not others. 

[Redguitar35]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I get that it's frustrating being cancelled on or not getting matches to start with.  But let's not confuse feeling discouraged with making a lot of effort to meet people.  

You consider my friend showing just showing up to work to do what he's being paid to do and some gal developed a crush on him there being him making a "ton of effort"? That was easy compared to online dating. Again, you've never done online dating. You also didn't go try to go out and socialize during a pandemic where everyone's got face masks on. You had it easy. 

Edited April 28, 2021 by Redguitar35