Doesn't he want to be with me?

[Boredandpregnant]

I was looking at my boyfriends phone and looked at he’s msgs and a friend of he’s asked what he was doing and asked if I was there and he said “no I can’t even be arsed with her anymore” he doesn’t know I’ve seen this msg, we’ve been together 9 months and I’m actually 5 month pregnant.  He has been very distant lately and he’s never been really that happy about my pregnancy,I feel like the excitement has gone for him and deep down I know he’s still in love with he’s ex who he was with 10 years. I met him 3 month after their break up 

[Alfano]

If someone said they can't be arsed with me, my first thought would be "WTF is arsed"

Edit- ok arsed is a word and it means can't be bothered with.

Well that's not very promising especially given that you're pregnant with his child and as such you're tied together to some extent for at least the next 18.5 years.

 

 

Edited April 27, 2021 by Alfano

[Boredandpregnant]

It means can’t be bothered 

[Alfano]

Right, I was just editing my post after doing a search.

You might want to consider a down to earth chat with the father of your unborn child about his rather irresponsible and troubling statement.

 

[Boredandpregnant]

I’m going to when I see him as it’s playing on my mind massively, I know this pregnancy is early in a new relationship but he should have spoke to me 

[Alfano]

I skimmed your post to get the basic facts as I typically do because I'm at work and I post on multiple forums and I'm doing a half a dozen other things, so I'll admit that I missed an important fact.

You got pregnant within  4 months of meeting a guy that was only 3 months out of an almost decade long relationship.

This is REALLY bad. You're going to have to accept that things happened way too quickly and understandably he's just not that into you and being a father.

That much being said he's legally responsible. Make sure you hold him accountable even if he's not part of his child's life which is very likely.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

I would assume that no he does not want to be with you anymore.  Unfortunately you two are now bringing a child into this world so you either have to get together to 

1. terminate the pregnancy if that is still an option 

2.  Both sign off on putting the baby up for adoption 

3.  figure out your legal responsibilities to each other & this child so you can co parent.  If you have this child you & him are tied together for the rest of your lives but that is not something he wants

There is no happy family scenario in here.  Sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Boredandpregnant said:

 he said “no I can’t even be arsed with her anymore” . we’ve been together 9 months and I’m actually 5 month pregnant.  he’s never been really that happy about my pregnancy

Sorry to hear this. Do you live together? I think you already know he's with you by default/out of obligation, but does not love you or want to be with you.

 You can talk to him about your findings, but it won't change his feelings. You could drag through this but he's already been checked out especially the preganacy 16 weeks into dating.

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're in this situation.   However, given that he barely knew you when you got pregnant and was just out of a long term thing, It stands to reason that he wouldn't be happy about the pregnancy.   At this point, all you can do is end this relationship and work out the best way to be a single mother.

 

[Boredandpregnant]

1 hour ago, Alfano said:

I skimmed your post to get the basic facts as I typically do because I'm at work and I post on multiple forums and I'm doing a half a dozen other things, so I'll admit that I missed an important fact.

You got pregnant within  4 months of meeting a guy that was only 3 months out of an almost decade long relationship.

This is REALLY bad. You're going to have to accept that things happened way too quickly and understandably he's just not that into you and being a father.

That much being said he's legally responsible. Make sure you hold him accountable even if he's not part of his child's life which is very likely.

 

 

I know it’s really bad I was just silly thinking it could lead to something serious,the pregnancy was accidental 

[Boredandpregnant]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry you're in this situation.   However, given that he barely knew you when you got pregnant and was just out of a long term thing, It stands to reason that he wouldn't be happy about the pregnancy.   At this point, all you can do is end this relationship and work out the best way to be a single mother.

 

He’s never said anything about the relationship I just know he’s not the same person I met maybe when it was all fun at the start maybe He just keeps quite about everything and heart breaking as it is to admit I know he still loves he’s ex 

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Boredandpregnant said:

He’s never said anything about the relationship I just know he’s not the same person I met maybe when it was all fun at the start maybe He just keeps quite about everything and heart breaking as it is to admit I know he still loves he’s ex 

This would be enough for me to call off the relationship and focus on the baby. 

If you know he's not in love with you, why be with him? Are there religious or cultural influences?

[Boredandpregnant]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

This would be enough for me to call off the relationship and focus on the baby. 

If you know he's not in love with you, why be with him? Are there religious or cultural influences?

No nothing like that I just always thought I was in a “normal” relationship but things have changed since I announced I was pregnant but I just assumed he was happy because he hadn’t said anything about a abortion,he seems very depressed and doesn’t sleep at all but he’s still never said nothing just carries on as normal apart from he acts distant sometimes 

[lana-banana]

You need to start thinking about yourself and your future. Now that this guy won't (at least not willingly) be part of it, what will you do? 

[glows]

Just now, Boredandpregnant said:

No nothing like that I just always thought I was in a “normal” relationship but things have changed since I announced I was pregnant but I just assumed he was happy because he hadn’t said anything about a abortion,he seems very depressed and doesn’t sleep at all but he’s still never said nothing just carries on as normal apart from he acts distant sometimes 

I think it's very hurtful for you to hear/see what you did in his comments to his friend and for him to treat you this way.

If you know in your heart deep down that he's not in love with you or in love with someone else, maybe there's yet some thinking to do in the coming weeks and months. Do what's best for yourself and your child. 

[d0nnivain]

The pregnancy may have been accidental but your choice to carry this baby to term was deliberate.  So now that you are about to be a mother, what is your plan?  

If you thought his silence was happiness, you seem to be mistaken.  If you would have terminated the pregnancy on his say so, please give serious consideration to giving this child the best chance possible by allowing an adoption.  There are so many heartbroken stable couples out there who are dealing with infertility who would give anything for an infant.  There are also numerous ways an adoption can go including open adoption where you may be able to see the child in some fashion. 

It sounds like you thought this baby would make this guy love you.  It won't. If anything it will make him resent you & you him.  Spare yourself & the child all that heartache.  

Going forward your primary concern for the rest of your life has to be this child.  If you are not ready for that,  you have options.  Your is an unenviable situation.  Please think carefully about what's next for you & the baby but understand it does not involved you, the baby daddy & happily ever after.  

[Boredandpregnant]

2 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

You need to start thinking about yourself and your future. Now that this guy won't (at least not willingly) be part of it, what will you do? 

I think he will be a good dad but I just know we’re not going to last deep down,he’s normally a lovely guy but he’s heart is just not into me even though he’s never said that it’s not I just know myself by the way he is 

[Boredandpregnant]

I had a strong feeling also around Christmas he was going to end things with me in all honesty but  little did I know I was pregnant.  Readings people’s comments I think he is only really sticking around because I’m pregnant and if I wasn’t I think he would have already left I can’t believe I’m only just realising all this now talking to strangers 

[lana-banana]

15 minutes ago, Boredandpregnant said:

I think he will be a good dad but I just know we’re not going to last deep down,he’s normally a lovely guy but he’s heart is just not into me even though he’s never said that it’s not I just know myself by the way he is 

If you know that the relationship is over, even if it hasn't formally been declared as such, then you need to start having serious conversations about expectations and requirements for co-parenting, including custody, potential payments, and more. How does he see himself in the child's life? What is he planning to do after the child is born? You need answers to these questions and you need them soon, because if he's not willing to hold up his end of the bargain then you will probably have to get lawyers involved.

Edited April 27, 2021 by lana-banana

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Boredandpregnant said:

I had a strong feeling also around Christmas he was going to end things with me in all honesty but  little did I know I was pregnant.  Readings people’s comments I think he is only really sticking around because I’m pregnant and if I wasn’t I think he would have already left I can’t believe I’m only just realising all this now talking to strangers 

Yep, this is exactly what's going on.   He may not have suggested an abortion, but that's likely because he's not the type to pressure a woman into an abortion.   Kudos to him for this, but it doesn't mean he's going to be happy that he's just lost all control over his future direction and independence.  

Him changing would be down to two things:  1. Likely feeling trapped   2. now that the initial lust and hormones have settled down, the rose coloured glasses have come off he's found little in the way of what he wants.   It's the reason people are advised to not rush into cohabitation, marriage etc. 

 

[Alfano]

17 minutes ago, Boredandpregnant said:

 I can’t believe I’m only just realising all this now talking to strangers 

Denial runs deep. It's how we protect ourselves from emotional pain but it interferes with logic and common sense.

 

[Annonymous1234]

20 minutes ago, Boredandpregnant said:

I had a strong feeling also around Christmas he was going to end things with me in all honesty but  little did I know I was pregnant.  Readings people’s comments I think he is only really sticking around because I’m pregnant and if I wasn’t I think he would have already left I can’t believe I’m only just realising all this now talking to strangers 

{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, Boredandpregnant said:

I was looking at my boyfriends phone and looked at he’s msgs...

Do you always dig around in other people's phones??  That is his personal property, did he give you permission to read the messages on his phone??

1 hour ago, Boredandpregnant said:

the pregnancy was accidental 

Does he believe the pregnancy was accidental?? Did the condom break?? Who was in charge of the birth control method??

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Boredandpregnant said:

I was in a “normal” relationship but things have changed since I announced I was pregnant but I just assumed he was happy because he hadn’t said anything about a abortion,he seems very depressed and doesn’t sleep at all but he’s still never said nothing just carries on as normal apart from he acts distant sometimes 

Of course things have changed since you announced the pregnancy, this went from “new and fun relationship” to “OMG, I don’t know this woman very well and we are now tied together with this huge responsibility for the next 18 years!!” in the span of a handful of months. That would freak just about anyone out. Add to that the fact that he was rebounding from a long term relationship and you have a very unhappy man... A man who is very depressed and not able to sleep. 

I’m so sorry. This must be really hard to read and think about. Hugs.

Edited April 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[basil67]

Not asking for an abortion doesn't necessarily mean the guy is happy.   Happy about a pregnancy is:   Huge grin. Hugs partner in delight, can't wait to be able to tell his nearest and dearest and is fully engaged in planning for baby.   Was he ever like this?