Baz Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Im not going to explain my situation again, however if you need the dirt check out my previous posts. So the latest is she wants to see me. Contact has been sporadic over the last few months but I felt it appropriate to send her a polite email detailing what my plans were for the winter ie I've sold my house and im moving to Africa. I shouldn't have contacted her but I sensed that she wanted to see me so I sent this email out as a tester. She came back saying that she was finding it hard to accept that I was moving so far away and that she always thought that one day we would see each other again. My reply confirmed that I had hoped that we would meet again too but I had to move on to seek pastures new, temporarily. About three hours later she sent me a text saying "then lets meet". This weekend I briefly spoke with her in a very casual way that was friendly and warm. Today she sent me a text saying when her flight (LDR) was and asked if that was ok, so I called her. The tone of the conversation had changed but it was still friendly. The chat was about what we had been up to through the summer and what our plans were for the future. She asked me several times if it was ok to see me and I said that as long as she genuinely wanted to see me. She said she did but "with no strings attached". I agreed that that would only complicate things. We both confirmed that we were not seeing anyone else at the moment (my ex ex is around but there is no relationship) although she did have to think a little before answering. So I know i have done something a little foolish. It is three weeks before we meet and it has been her who has gently pushed for it. i just opened the door slightly. Obviously I am a mixed bag of emotions right now and entering very new waters. This is a girl I adore and who I haven't seen since December last year. Any advice on how to proceed with this would be welcomed. Ie do I back off now and let her build her anticipation before we meet or what? Yes im very fond of her and yes she has put me through the mill. Im not looking for anything. I ultimatley want to show her a great weekend so she goes away feeling good about us. I know it will painful afterwards but no pain no gain! Ive posted here rather than in "Second Chance" because I dont believe it is a second chance. How should I proceed folks...?
off2sea Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I would urge you to reconsider this meeting. I have also not seen my ex since last December and received a few meaningless txt messages about every 2-3 months. Everytime I hear from her, I am so tempted to suggest a meeting but so far have held off. I know how badly I feel from a text, much less in person contact. You have moved on and will be starting fresh in a new country, focus on that- not the past that will only come back to haunt you.
slubberdegullion Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I'm with off2sea on this one. Meeting her again will only dredge up feelings that you may not want to experience again, at least with her. Sure, you may get a little "goodbye nookie" but the price to be paid is, IMHO, not worth it.
Author Baz Posted October 17, 2005 Author Posted October 17, 2005 You are both right, of course but this is one of those missions that I just have to go through. My feelings at present are good. I feel that my new direction and the opportunities that will be thrown at me are very exciting and inviting. Meeting her will be an opportunity for me to analyse this wanker who ****ed up my life for god knows how many months, to see who she really is. To some extent this is about satisfying my own narcissistic needs. It is about me finding the strength and then showing her my strength. I am being driven by a need to say "I won you bitch". I sound like a monster but I guess when I sit down and think about it im just angry. I gave up so much for this girl by like the phoenix I want to show her that I have risen from her fire a better man. (and yes I still adore her, or rather my image of her) Deep stuff I know.
off2sea Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I totally understand where you are coming from. The last text I got asked me to meet her for a "glass of wine." More than anything, I want to tell her about an upcoming promotion and show off the shape I've gotten into since she blew me off 2 weeks before Christmas. We want to show we've survived and ended up better for the whole ordeal. I wish you all the luck, let us know how it goes.
Author Baz Posted October 18, 2005 Author Posted October 18, 2005 I will of course keep you in the loop as I know this sort of thing is interesting to all. I wont be contacting her now. I'll leave that to her to instigate if her own curiosities kick back in. For now Im sure she will be pleased with herself for manoervering me the way she has. What I need to do is counteract this by vanishing. For someone with an ego her size this will at some point possibly warrant further contact from her. It is so important to remain focussed, keep one's dignity and maintain the new "me" that time apart has allowed me to discover. I do find this very interesting because I have been working so hard on my own insecurities. I have looked into why it is that I became so emotionally reliant on this woman. Having gone down that route over the past months and explored some of my own deep issues I now have this perverse need to go back one more time only to prove to myself that I can conduct myself in a controlled, mature way. I want to show myself that I can deal with my insecurities and at the same time show her that she has lost her hold on me. What a nutter!
Free At Last Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 This is awesome, I loved reading this post. I have so much to learn. I can totally relate about being driven to show off the 'new me'. I'm not sure if that in itself is as unhealthy as the idealized image that we have created of these women continuing to be maintained in our heads? How do you break this? I don't think its healthy to gauge myself based on someone else's perception of 'how much i have changed' etc. Anyway, Baz I will be watching this post to see how the story turns out.
Author Baz Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 The "new me" is in fact the "me" before she got her claws into me but with improvements. I do feel that when we first met I was an appealing catch to her. My life was exciting and interesting and money was no problem. On top of that I was confident, friendly and caring. She on the other hand had a plain life. I dont mean to sound derogatory when I say that, its just fact. She was in a boring relationship and had a boring job and was just bored. Looking at me, my life appealed to her. She wanted to be part of it so she came and got it. Now, because of her nature (whether warped by a Personality Dissorder or not) once she had me in the bag, my attraction had gone. Unfortunatley for me so had my life. I had allowed her to systematically drag me down to her level only to be rejected once she had made me a clone of her. ie a sad, mixed up piece of **** who has no idea how to relate or love. Once discarded I wallowed for months wandering what the **** happened. In essence I had been abused. I now look at myself and at last I am beginning to see and appreciate my true value. I am a catch, I know that. I have girls wanting to be part of my life but I have been too blind and damaged to see it. But now I do and with that comes the momentum to re-establish my true status but with the refinements that my recent experiences have taught me. This is the "me" that I want in front of this girl. A girl who has never had anything to offer except a 30 grand debt and a good looking Brazilian!!!! I want to stand there with my new refined "me" and say not only am I back but im better than before, and guess what you cant have a piece of it any more. (but i'll buy you dinner and shag you before sticking you on a plane and sending you back to la la land) I must have been so frigging blind! One last comment - I think she will cancel the trip anyway. She has had her fix and doesn't need to see me. The good things is I dont give a crap
off2sea Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 Great post, I have also overcome my brief (yet intense) urge to show what she has been missing all these months. The "pop in" text messages that come every few months are clearly just a ploy to see if I'll respond. The suggestion to get together was merely an extention of that. I will take every bit of NC advise including my own to shut my phone off AS SOON as the urge hits. I will concentrate only on the future not dwell on the past.
Author Baz Posted October 25, 2005 Author Posted October 25, 2005 So, I thought that I would throw in a swerve ball to see how she reacted. After not hearing from her I sent her an email saying that I wanted her to know that I had met someone (which I have) but it was only as friends at the moment. She went through the roof!!! Said she would not now come and said that I had lied to her. I couldn't believe her reaction. When we arranged the weekend she asked if I was seeing anyone and I said no (which im not). It was a very strange reaction for someone who wants "no strings attached" when we meet! Anyway, after much debate on her part I offered to pay for the flight and then she changed her mind and said she would come. Since then I have heard nothing. I really dont know what she is about anymore and im not really sure why she wants to come at all. Any views on what is going through this girls head right now? Maybe she is a bunny boiler! What a laugh!
curly Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 I do not have a good feeling about you meeting this woman. After all you've been through and all the progress you've made, you may be setting yourself up for a very big fall. I understand and empathise with wanting her to see the new, improved you, but what do you hope to accomplish with that? My feeling is that you want her to want you again. Then, you'll feel better by rejecting her. But I don't think you're going to reject her if you let her come back into your life, your head and your heart. You've stated that you adore her still. You've still got feelings for her. She dragged you down when you were up. What makes you think she won't drag you down again, especially now that you're up & surviving her. That's one giant challenge to her. I think she's rising to the occasion. You will do whatever you want... but really, reconsider this. There is no need to do this. And you are running a very big risk of missing her incredibly after she leaves with no way out except to go through the pain again. And it will be harder the second time around.
Author Baz Posted October 26, 2005 Author Posted October 26, 2005 Hi Curly, Without doubt you are right. I love your line "That's one giant challenge to her". You are spot on with this. I know I am playing with fire and that my feelings may kick off again, but sitting here right now, Im not sure I would allow her back into my life. Ok im playing with her, I know that, but as I have said I think this is about me proving to myself that I have the strength to defend myself against this "thing". You sound like you may have gone down this road as well at some point in which case you are the voice of experience and I thank you for your insight. You know, in the back of my mind, I think she is still seeing this "good looking" dude for the occasional shag even though she says not. Either way that image kind of fuels my desire to show her that she cant waltz back into my life on a whim. I agree, she is a fruitcake but Its about me not her. Its a bit like a reformed alcoholic going into a bar and having a glass of water while all his mates get pissed. I think im trying to prove something to myself. My back up is that im buggering off south until may next year so a new scene will be a great tonic either way. Does this make sense. Has anyone else travelled this mad route im taking?
NewUser Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Baz: I totally get where you're coming from. I think it's important to be able to show the person who hurt you how you've recovered and are moving and and doing well without them. I know exactly how that feels. We need to do this partly because we want to show them that we've survived and even triumphed without them, and partly because we do wish they will see the fabulous "new" us and profess their undying love and be sorry for leaving us in the firsr place. The first part of that is great and can even be therapeutic. The second part of that can have us tumbling on our a**es, though, if we don't get the desired response or worse: we get flat-out rejected once again. Just be prepared for that, Baz. I hear what you are saying and I've been there myself. Don't *expect* anything when and if you do see her again, though. The key here is self-preservation. No expectations = No disappointments. Take care.
Author Baz Posted October 27, 2005 Author Posted October 27, 2005 Thx for your concern Nu. Dont get me wrong, I am scared about this. I will try and get back here to share my feelings leading up to the meeting and then report back on how it went. If it offers insight and help to others as I go that can only be a good thing. I am now officially a guniea pig!
pippen_2k Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 Why does everyone want to show their ex 'the new me' for? Obviously nothing is new if you go back to the one person who hurt you and made you suffer. The 'new me' moves on and leaves this crap in the past. Give the 'new me' to someone NEW!
pippen_2k Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 I dont remember saying move on like me in the post. Everyone needs to do whats best for them, but I just get tired of hearing people say they are 'reformed and changed' when really nothing has changed cause they are willing to go back to someone who dosent respect them. Look, dont get me wrong, I was thinking the same physilogical BS when I was hurting, but after getting burnt a few times I just figured its really not worth persuing anymore... No one can tell you what to do tho, you gotta learn yourself.
Author Baz Posted October 27, 2005 Author Posted October 27, 2005 So you come on here to ridcule peoples emotions do you? Dont give me the high and mighty bull**** without any reason. Any twat can do that. If you cant add reason or sound advice, keep off my post.
pippen_2k Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 lol ok Ill just feed you the feel good stuff everyone else is.. good luck dude and dont take things too personal
J dub Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 So you come on here to ridcule peoples emotions do you? Dont give me the high and mighty bull**** without any reason. Any twat can do that. If you cant add reason or sound advice, keep off my post. AMAZING... someone says something that you dont like and that makes them a twat eh? Sometimes the truth hurts dude. You wanna waste your time showing off yourself to this chick, good for you. It's gonna suck when she leaves and you have a fresh new wound open and putting you thru complete agony - and you have only yourself to blame for the pain. The second you see her, all those emotions are going to come rushing back and somewhere deep in the back of your head, youre thinkin shes gonna ask for you to stay so you can be back together. And then when she *doesnt* ask, you are going to feel like a total dolt for falling for another one of her traps. Pipen is only suggesting that someone new will appreciate you, rather than knock you down to the person you were when you were with this girl. It's pretty awful of you to call someone names on here and accuse them of "ridicule" when all she was doing was offering up her opinion. For what it's worth Pipen, the OP is clearly bitter and anxious and doesnt want advice but rather simply wants others to support his (bad) decision on seeing this ex of his. He's seeking "permission" of sorts. Baz, once you wake up from your illogical dreamland of "lets torture myself as much as possible", you'll realize that staying away was the best thing to do. Youre literally hitting the reset button on your healing timeclock by seeing this girl. Good luck dude.
Author Baz Posted October 28, 2005 Author Posted October 28, 2005 Ok - im sober now. Listen, although you may not agree, people do change - undoubtedly so. To be quite so dismissive of this is not very helpful, especially on things like this. People come here for confidence boosting discussion and guidance backed with reason and experience. Im all for discussing any view but to be quite so dismissive without reason doesn't help. Ive tried to look at myself this last year. Ive had therapy to help me look at my insecurities and in turn this has helped understand where i have needed to change. When I meet my ex Im sure she will see this in me and that may (or may not) appeal to her again. If not, I am far enough removed from the situation to move on. I now understand my true value. I can still go and see her though. What is wrong with thinking that?
bendit Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Baz, a lot of folks have given you great advice that comes from hard won experience. Weeks ago I gave you similar advice. I am now at 8 weeks of NC. Yet, after listening to it all, you were determined to go back and "prove something" to her, yourself, whoever. In that sense, you humored us all with what looked to be genuine interest in what to do about this situation. In the end, however, you did what you were going to do anyway. Please remember that NC is the CORRECT advice. It does however, take courage and fortitude to implement....far more courage than doing what you are about to do. Its about setting the stage for what's next in your life and getting on with things. You still are flirting with the past, and picking at a scab that still is visible on your arm. Its disheartening when someone considers all the well reasoned facts as you did, yet still jumps back into the fire. It proves just how difficult it really is to move on and leave the past in the rear view mirror where it belongs. regards
Author Baz Posted October 28, 2005 Author Posted October 28, 2005 Hi Mike, I hear what you are saying. I appreciate your insight and I value your time. thx for coming back again. You are right, I have been procrastinating over this for some time but be assured that my decision to meet with her in no way undervalues everyones input and guidance. I hear what people have advised loud and clear and i have taken that advice and made an informed decision that I believe to be correct based on the situation that is now presented to me. I fully understand the consequences of what may or may not happen but as it stands I remain unfazed by them. Unfortunatley it is my bloodymindedness that is making me go through with it. Im comfortable with how I will be conducting myself when we meet and it will be interesting to survey her behaviour too. I intend to not allow myself to be hurt. Whether that happens or not I dont know because the situation is unique for me. From an interest point of view, whatever happens, I do think that at the very worst it will provide further insight for all who find themselves in similar situations on LS. If I have to turn round at the end of it and say "You guys were right - I crumbled" then as a piece of reference at least i have contributed to the LS in some way through absolute first hand experience. I will also know that despite my belief that "I am a changed man", I am in fact not. We'll see. Thx again.
curly Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 I hope that you will post to this thread after you have seen her. I'm not sure when the reunion is taking place but I believe in a couple of weeks. I am very interested in the outcome. I hear you when you say that you have made strides. However, she is not in your life, in front of you. You have physical and emotional distance. By allowing her to enter your "sphere" again, you lose that distance. Maybe you will look at her and realize that you don't know what you saw in her. But I'm doubting that. You have primed yourself to allow those love feelings to rush back the moment you lay eyes on her. I do really hope it goes your way and you get some closure on this. Hey - it's possible. It's just that we on LS think you're playing with fire. Either way, please let us know what happens. If it goes the way I predict, please don't be embarrassed. It was something you had to do and no one is going to say "told you so." There's no point to that. Honestly, I would probably do the same thing as you if I was in your position. It's very hard to resist the temptation of being in the presence of someone you love, even if only for a little while. Just post. We'll offer support or congrats, either way.
Author Baz Posted October 28, 2005 Author Posted October 28, 2005 Curly, Thx for your kind words of encouragement. I will of course get back to you with details of how it all unfolds from here in. My pride will certainly not prevent me from posting here if things do go awry. I promise you all that. The reunion is in two weeks time and if anything significant or otherwise happens before that i will post it for all to digest. Without doubt I do value "constructive" feedback and support, both positive and negative. Despite my bravado and procrastination Its fare to say that this has been, and will continue to be a steep learning curve for me. After all, im only human. Thx again.
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