What's more important, values or interests?

[BaileyB]

I agree, values are far more important than common interests.

Without common interests, it will be more important to find ways to spend time together and keep the connection. This, to me, contributes to the happiness of a relationship for some people. But, lots of couples have different interests and manage to stay together.

Without common values, there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. A relationship without common values is unlikely to succeed long term.

Edited April 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, 90sFireRocket said:

....

And to the people answering, what would mean more to you in a relationship? Similar hobbies and interests, or similar life goals/life values?

It's not an either or and there are more things than interests or values in a relationship.  People can also have the same values but disagree on how to effectuate them.

If you have to make it either or of course values are more important as they are more core to how you treat and interact with the other person.

Asking why other people break up and "wondering" based upon what you see is not very productive.  Only their close friends truly know why and even then perhaps not.

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Asking why other people break up and "wondering" based upon what you see is not very productive.  Only their close friends truly know why and even then perhaps not.

That’s so true!
I would actually say, only the couple really knows what happens in a relationships, and perhaps not even then. There are many people on this board wondering “what happened?” and the common advice is, to make peace with the fact that you may never know what the other person is thinking or why they made the decision they did. There are some things that we will just never understand, all you can do is accept and move on...

Edited April 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, 90sFireRocket said:

Both in our 20s and have been in relationships before.

Ok, maybe on paper she has a lot of similar values, however in reality, you're incompatible.

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, 90sFireRocket said:

It's such a shame as we had so many similarities where more people would count the most, but decided to go after their carbon copy perfect person

I hate to say it, but your view of how much you shared is likely not hers.  I suspect there was a serious disconnect on something core to her (maybe not to you hence why you have a blind spot there).  I seriously doubt she only wants a carbon copy, that sounds more like assigning blame instead of realizing things do not always work out and something you thought was unimportant was important to her. 

 If anything, I might take away form this that you were not able to "see" her.  "See" her in a positive sense not the "see" she was [insert negative comment here] / was just looking for a carbon copy.  You missed the disconnect, it happens. 

[smackie9]

You need both. Core values for the foundation, and shared interests for the long haul, growth of the relationship.

[mark clemson]

I'm not sure if this is answering your question, but ultimately a relationship exists because both people choose to continue it.

The choice to not continue it can get made for all sorts of reasons, some of which may make more sense than others. How much sense a decision to leave may make to other people (even including the person being left) ultimately doesn't make that much of a difference.

Sometimes people leave suddenly for no apparent sensible reason - I've seen this happen myself to someone I know. The wife "turned a corner in life" and suddenly didn't want to be married anymore. The husband was in denial about it, despite what she was saying to him, right up until the divorce papers were served.

There are also people who routinely bail after two or three years, once the "new relationship energy" fades.

However, I think cases like that aren't common. I suspect that there's often a convergence of multiple factors when someone decides to leave. And they may not always feel like having long discussions about all the various "why's," as leaving is usually an emotional toll on them as well.

[Weezy1973]

Sharing core values and relationship goals is important but so is enjoying each other’s company, so the activity / interest doesn’t really matter. 

[90sFireRocket]

I've loved reading all the replies on here, all the different opinions, it's a great community, and it's helped reading all your posts!!

I have another question, not relating to me but just a phrase I hear a lot, know a few friends that have witnessed this and seen it said on TV as well. Let's say you're in a relationship, it's going really well, families like the other person, friends like the other person. Literally everything is going well. You're both happy. Great sex. Great chat. There is no cheating or talking to other people, there is no abuse and no massive or damaging conflicts. If one day out the blue someone says:

"I don't see a future with you, it's run it's course". Then ends it.

What does that mean to you? (Bear in mind the things underlined). And I'm not looking for "It's because it's run its course" and stuff like that. On a personal level, what does it mean to you hearing that phrase?

Is it a case of grass is greener syndrome, without them having actually found said greener grass yet? If so them why give something amazing up.

Edited April 27, 2021 by 90sFireRocket

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, 90sFireRocket said:

"I don't see a future with you, it's run it's course". Then ends it.

What does that mean to you? (Bear in mind the things underlined). And I'm not looking for "It's because it's run its course" and stuff like that. On a personal level, what does it mean to you hearing that phrase?

He/she is basically saying they no longer want to be in a committed relationship with you. 

Every honeymoon period eventually comes to an end – and very often reality seeps into your mind.

[90sFireRocket]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

He/she is basically saying they no longer want to be in a committed relationship with you. 

Every honeymoon period eventually comes to an end – and very often reality seeps into your mind.

I mean on a deeper level, what could cause someone not to be in a committed relationship with someone any longer? I mean it all comes from somewhere right?

[lana-banana]

It very often means they've met someone else who intrigues them more. Sometimes it means they just aren't as happy as they thought they were. Sometimes it means they know it's not the right thing. The key part is that it's over regardless and there's nothing you can do.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, 90sFireRocket said:

I mean on a deeper level, what could cause someone not to be in a committed relationship with someone any longer? I mean it all comes from somewhere right?

That is, after all, the million dollar question.

Her statement "the relationship ran its course" could refer to a lack of attraction or simply fundamental differences.

That's pretty much what you've already described.

I know it's tough to hear, but the whole point of dating is to figure out what you want in a partner, and not everyone fits the bill.

 

[dramafreezone]

11 hours ago, 90sFireRocket said:

I've heard of people splitting up due to not having the same life goals/life values even although they have similar interests and hobbies. But I've never heard of, until only recently, that people split up due to not having the same similar interests and hobbies, although they both have the same/similar life goals/life values.

I've seen this happen recently and it really intrigued me as to why someone may do that.

Why would someone end a relationship due to not having the exact same hobbies/interests, although they have the same life goals/life values?

And to the people answering, what would mean more to you in a relationship? Similar hobbies and interests, or similar life goals/life values?

Both are more or less BS if were talking about a simple relationship.  Attraction level is more important than either of those.

Reasons that people give for breaking up are rationalizations more often than not.  If it were such a dealbreaker, they would've not fallen in love in the first place.

Now if you're talking about a marriage, then values are extremely important, because presumably you're raising a child together and it needs to be established how you would want to raise your kid.  But as far as a relationship, I don't think values or interests matter.  Are you attracted to tthis person, do they do it for you, is the bottom line.  Interests and values don't create attraction.  You need more than attraction for a marriage though, which not enough people realize, sadly enough.

If someone said they don't see a future with you, then that's more honest than most will be.  That would speak more to values to me, as I do think simiar values are essential to a successful marriage, and I think "future" inplies marriage.

Edited April 27, 2021 by dramafreezone

[basil67]

Massive generalisation incoming:   I believe that those who need common interests to connect are more likely to be making up for a social skill deficit.   They need hobbies to discuss because they struggle to connect over things they aren't personally interested in.  

Hubby and I have many shared values and while he's more chill than me, our temperaments are fairly close.   When it comes to interests, he likes sport and I like domestic arts.  There is however one shared interest which I'd struggle without:  new and interesting food.   I don't think I could date a meat and three veg guy.   But this is because I really dislike cooking basic food and being limited to restaurants which serve basic foods would be really problematic on dates.    if I was dating again, my sh*t test would be to invite him to a restaurant which served exotic food.  

Of course, if he had food allergies, I'd be more understanding. 

Edited April 27, 2021 by basil67

[Gaeta]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I believe that those who need common interests to connect are more likely to be making up for a social skill deficit.   They need hobbies to discuss because they struggle to connect over things they aren't personally interested in.  

I'm in the camp of needing common interests but it's born out of bad experiences with men I had no interests in common. My past experiences were if we don't have common interests then we won't be spending our free time together. At least that's what it meant in my past relationships. 

Common interest isn't only hobbies, It's also about enjoying the same type of conversations. Again my ex-husband never watched the news and had no interests in domestic and international affairs. On my end I'm a news junkie. My recent ex was also a  news junkie and he'd call me at lunch to ask me if I had heard such and such news and we would both expend on it. We could also spend en entire weekend binge watching a new favorite series. Having common interests is synonym of togetherness for me. 

[Ami1uwant]

14 hours ago, 90sFireRocket said:

I've heard of people splitting up due to not having the same life goals/life values even although they have similar interests and hobbies. But I've never heard of, until only recently, that people split up due to not having the same similar interests and hobbies, although they both have the same/similar life goals/life values.

I've seen this happen recently and it really intrigued me as to why someone may do that.

Why would someone end a relationship due to not having the exact same hobbies/interests, although they have the same life goals/life values?

And to the people answering, what would mean more to you in a relationship? Similar hobbies and interests, or similar life goals/life values?

 

There are key hobbies you love to do that you want someone who have these interests snd want to do thus. It’s not that you both like to see movies, but do you have similar limes in types of movies. One isn’t happy always going to movies they don’t like.

 

same with music. If someone is a music lover and always like to play music they will want someone who likes the same music.

 

in lifestyle...this skews younger....such as wanting children or where you will buy a house, what type of house, if you have kids, how will you raise them and discipline them.  If your older this might not be as big of an issue but timing can matter because if you both are late 30s/early 40s your kids cold be at different periods like ones are about to go to college while the others are just starting 1st grade or in your mid 30s one want to start a family and the other has teenagers.

 

do lifestyles match.  It doesn’t matter how much you are purely attracted, can you actually live together?  This can be very stressful if you aren’t in sync. You have problems if one is an early riser and one is a late niter.  One  is a near freak vs one is a cluttered person.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Massive generalisation incoming:   I believe that those who need common interests to connect are more likely to be making up for a social skill deficit.   They need hobbies to discuss because they struggle to connect over things they aren't personally interested in.  

 

I disagree entirely...if he was a hunter and you wanted to save Bambi this woukd be a major issue.  If he had an interest he loved to do and say he devoted a room in the house to and he liked to do st least one week long vacation around this interest..woukd that matter?

You should not be forced to give up something you live or are passionate about doing. If it’s a big part of your life then you want someone who has the same interest or st least can to,er ate it.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, 90sFireRocket said:

I mean on a deeper level, what could cause someone not to be in a committed relationship with someone any longer? I mean it all comes from somewhere right?

Personalities click

 

interests are the same

 

but-their lives at home clash in style.

[basil67]

36 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

I disagree entirely...if he was a hunter and you wanted to save Bambi this woukd be a major issue.  If he had an interest he loved to do and say he devoted a room in the house to and he liked to do st least one week long vacation around this interest..woukd that matter?  You should not be forced to give up something you live or are passionate about doing. If it’s a big part of your life then you want someone who has the same interest or st least can to,er ate it. 

If he was a hunter but my morals and ethics told me it's wrong to kill animals, then it's a values issue rather than a hobby issue.   

My hubby does have room for his guitars and goes skiing with the boys every year.   I don't play guitar and I have no business being at a boys ski trip.   I don't ask him to give those things up just because I don't participate.   

Edited April 28, 2021 by basil67

[basil67]

10 hours ago, 90sFireRocket said:

I have another question, not relating to me but just a phrase I hear a lot, know a few friends that have witnessed this and seen it said on TV as well. Let's say you're in a relationship, it's going really well, families like the other person, friends like the other person. Literally everything is going well. You're both happy. Great sex. Great chat. There is no cheating or talking to other people, there is no abuse and no massive or damaging conflicts. If one day out the blue someone says:

"I don't see a future with you, it's run it's course". Then ends it.

If you asked the person who ended it, it's likely they would describe the relationship in less glowing terms.

10 hours ago, 90sFireRocket said:

Is it a case of grass is greener syndrome, without them having actually found said greener grass yet? If so them why give something amazing up.

Again, the dumper may not view the relationship as amazing. Almost every relationship ends because someone thinks they can do better.  And very often, there IS better out there.   While I still have respect for the guy who was my first committed relationship, the man who ended up as my husband is far more suited to me.

8 hours ago, 90sFireRocket said:

I mean on a deeper level, what could cause someone not to be in a committed relationship with someone any longer? I mean it all comes from somewhere right?

There are as many answers to this as there are stars in the sky.  

[Wiseman2]

The weird thing about break-ups is whatever explanation is used, may or may not have anything to do with the real reasons.

In this case incompatibly was cited. Ok. That's a sort of catchall like "irreconcilable differences".

Rather than deliberate on vague "values", try to refocus and reflect. Not on why it ended but how to move forward in peace.

Keep in mind when dating that "I love ice cream, ooh me too" doesn't mean much.

Nor does a blanket statement such as "I want to be happy, healthy, have a good job and family one day".

So. The breakup isn't about political clones, sometimes things just don't work out.

[glows]

Why is it one or the other - values or interests? 

Interests generally are based on values. How a person wants to spend his or her free time for example depends on what those values or priorities are in the first place. She didn't think you both were a match but it is infinitely better to know this much earlier on than later. You're free now to meet others more on your wavelength.

 

[SumGuy]

On 4/27/2021 at 12:37 PM, 90sFireRocket said:

.....

"I don't see a future with you, it's run it's course". Then ends it.

What does that mean to you? (Bear in mind the things underlined). And I'm not looking for "It's because it's run its course" and stuff like that. On a personal level, what does it mean to you hearing that phrase?...

Have never heard those exact words, but sure that has been a though when have been broken up with.

The words themselves are just a great way to break up while being honest without being specific, or really clear.

The question is of course why a person doesn't see a future with you.   The answers to that are many and varied and unending, hence it is always an honest reason to break up with someone.

It also means to me if it comes out of the blue that either this person never saw a future with me, a future with someone was low on their list, or they changed their mind...yet all without communicating.  So to me it is a sign of someone who does not communicate well, holds these things in and likely comes to conclusions based on assumptions and speculation.  In all, not a person I would see a future with as well. 

 I most likely would ask why out of curiosity not to try to convince them otherwise.  Although if it is predicated on some real misunderstanding might give it a shot without expectation that it will change anything.

[spiderowl]

I think generally values/goals are more important but the thing about sharing interests is that people with similar interests often share personality traits.  For example, musicians are often quite sensitive souls and have a particular ear for music that not everyone has.  It is quite usual for musicians to seek out other musicians as mates.