What's more important, values or interests?

[90sFireRocket]

I've heard of people splitting up due to not having the same life goals/life values even although they have similar interests and hobbies. But I've never heard of, until only recently, that people split up due to not having the same similar interests and hobbies, although they both have the same/similar life goals/life values.

I've seen this happen recently and it really intrigued me as to why someone may do that.

Why would someone end a relationship due to not having the exact same hobbies/interests, although they have the same life goals/life values?

And to the people answering, what would mean more to you in a relationship? Similar hobbies and interests, or similar life goals/life values?

Edited April 27, 2021 by 90sFireRocket

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, 90sFireRocket said:

 I've never heard of, until only recently, that people split up due to not having the same similar interests and hobbies, 

Sorry this happened. It depends of course what those hobbies and interests are and if they are deal breakers.

For example if you play video games all day or gamble, those could be reasons for someone to end things.

Or if you are sedentary/a homebody and they're athletic and outgoing,that may not work.

But these are values also.

Anyone can say "I want a happy loving relationship and a house family nice job".

Those aren't exactly "values".

 

 

[90sFireRocket]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It depends of course what those hobbies and interests are and if they are deal breakers.

For example if you play video games all day or gamble, those could be reasons for someone to end things.

Or if you are sedentary/a homebody and they're athletic and outgoing,that may not work.

But these are values also.

Anyone can say "I want a happy loving relationship and a house family nice job".

Those aren't exactly "values".

It wasn't so much hobbies or interests like slouching at home playing video games while the other is active and wants to be out of the house. We liked very similar, and sometimes the same, shows, songs, films, activities.

But while they cared about politics, I didn't have the same level of interest but was happy to engage about them and accepted when they exposed me to that. While I cared more about media than they did, but they would ask questions and be curious at the same time. Their wording was that we don't have the same interests. It kinda seemed like they wanted me to have the exact same interests to the same level and degree. Like a carbon copy I guess.

The core values and experiences we had were pretty much the same. Family dynamics and the importance of family, how we care for others, how we communicate when we experience loss of any kind, appreciating the little things, same sense of humour, same level of being weird, strong physical sexual connection. We were looking for the same things when it comes to relationship 'goals', both liked the idea of children in the future.

[Gaeta]

My ex-husband was into hockey. He lived and breath for hockey. He was not interested in anything else, we never took a babysitter to go out, to a movie, or weekend away. I tried to get him into something we could do together, he didn't even want to try. 

After that, having common interests has become important in my search for a new partner. 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, 90sFireRocket said:

But while they cared about politics, I didn't have the same level of interest but was happy to engage about them and accepted when they exposed me to that. While I cared more about media than they did, but they would ask questions and be curious at the same time. Their wording was that we don't have the same interests. It kinda seemed like they wanted me to have the exact same interests to the same level and degree. Like a carbon copy I guess.

And it's ok for her to seek someone with many common interest if it's what she needs to be happy in a relationship. Some people are more independant and don't mind their partner having different hobbies and interest. It's ok for her to want more. 

Edited April 27, 2021 by Gaeta

[90sFireRocket]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

My ex-husband was into hockey. He lived and breath for hockey. He was not interested in anything else, we never took a babysitter to go out, to a movie, or weekend away. I tried to get him into something we could do together, he didn't even want to try. 

After that, having common interests has become important in my search for a new partner. 

I'm sorry to hear that it sounds like a different story to mine. My ex wanted, it seems, a carbon copy, while your husband didn't even try. 

Did he ever disclose why he didn't want to try doing things/shared activities with you? Sounds like that must of been really hard for you

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, 90sFireRocket said:

.But while they cared about politics, I didn't have the same level of interest .Their wording was that we don't have the same interests. 

Ok, well unfortunately you're incompatible. Whether it's priorities, passions, ideological issues etc.

That has nothing to do with "values" especially theoretical  broad based ones.

For example "I don't date serial killers" is a broad based obvious "value", just like "I want a relationship, house, family, etc one day."

Basically you are incompatible. They cited "interests", but it is really your personalities.

Be grateful you are broken up rather than trying to force fit this or have to debate politics all day.

[introverted1]

14 minutes ago, 90sFireRocket said:

The core values and experiences we had were pretty much the same. Family dynamics and the importance of family, how we care for others, how we communicate when we experience loss of any kind, appreciating the little things, same sense of humour, same level of being weird, strong physical sexual connection. We were looking for the same things when it comes to relationship 'goals', both liked the idea of children in the future.

These are actual values.  I would add financial management and risk tolerance/aversion to the list.

I think values are far more important than interests unless the person's interests get in the way of the relationship, i.e., someone who can't leave the house because a particular show is on, or will only go on a vacation where there is golfing available, or something else that significantly limits the couple if the interest is not shared. 

Quote

But while they cared about politics, I didn't have the same level of interest but was happy to engage about them and accepted when they exposed me to that. While I cared more about media than they did, but they would ask questions and be curious at the same time. Their wording was that we don't have the same interests. It kinda seemed like they wanted me to have the exact same interests to the same level and degree. Like a carbon copy I guess.

Was she very young?  Insecure?  The need for your partner to be a mirror suggests an underlying lack of maturity.

Edited April 27, 2021 by introverted1

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, 90sFireRocket said:

Did he ever disclose why he didn't want to try doing things/shared activities with you? Sounds like that must of been really hard for you

No, he was just not interested in anything. I met him at 17, he was my first boyfriend and I married him. He was older and in the Armed Forced, who cares about common interests when you're 17 and a handsome uniform man wants you. I grew up into a woman with many interests with a higher education, he remained who he was when we met. He was an honest man, hard working, he would have died for our daughter and I, but him and I had 0 in common.

[90sFireRocket]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, well unfortunately you're incompatible. Whether it's priorities, passions, ideological issues etc.

That has nothing to do with "values" especially theoretical  broad based ones.

For example "I don't date serial killers" is a broad based obvious "value", just like "I want a relationship, house, family, etc one day."

Basically you are incompatible. They cited "interests", but it is really your personalities.

See that's the thing, they said we did have the same personalities, and she was right.

If you see I tried to list the core values we both had in common.

Looking for someone that has the exact same level interest in everything you like down to the T, as well as the exact same core values and beliefs down to the T has got to be unhealthy right? Basically going for the perfect person.

[90sFireRocket]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No, he was just not interested in anything. I met him at 17, he was my first boyfriend and I married him. He was older and in the Armed Forced, who cares about common interests when you're 17 and a handsome uniform man wants you. I grew up into a woman with many interests with a higher education, he remained who he was when we met. He was an honest man, hard working, he would have died for our daughter and I, but him and I had 0 in common.

If he started gaining the same interests as you (from a natural POV rather than forced for the sake of the marriage), at what point would you be happy staying married to him?

[d0nnivain]

Certain hobbies & interests take up more time then others.  If one partner has such an engrossing hobby but no one to share it with, that person may feel alone.  One of my EXs was an avid fisherman.  I hate fish but I like the beach & water so I would often go with him.  I'd sit & read a book.  He was OK with the togetherness; I didn't actually have to cast a line.   Some of my friends' husbands / SOs are really into car racing.  That hobby is very expensive & takes them all over the country.  (To clarify, they build & race the cars, not just sit in the stands & watch cars go 'round & round).  If my friends weren't open to traveling with these guys they would be left at home for long stretches which could undermine a relationship. 

In your case, politics is so derisive these days.  It could easily derail a relationship. 

As for somebody demanding the exact same level of interest that is a sign of immaturity.  Nobody is a carbon copy of another person.  It sounds like a silly reason to break up & may be an excuse.  It doesn't really matter why.  All you have to do is process the fact that the relationship ended & move on.  Changing who you are to keep a relationship never works.  Making small compromises is fine -- e.g. me reading on the fishing trips worked for us whereas me faking liking fishing would not be sustainable.  

I'm sorry this happened to you but I sense  that you understand balance so in the long run you will be OK.  

[90sFireRocket]

7 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I think values are far more important than interests unless the person's interests get in the way of the relationship, i.e., someone who can't leave the house because a particular show is on, or will only go on a vacation where there is golfing available, or something else that significantly limits the couple if the value is not shared. 

Was she very young?  Insecure?  The need for your partner to be a mirror of yourself is not healthy.

Both in our 20s and have been in relationships before. They had anxiety I think and some insecurities which we did speak about and they knew I supported and understood them.

They were going through a large amount of stress at the time so maybe that played a factor, I was just left confused on their reasoning. They did say they had a tenancy to not push people away when stressed. We both liked going out and being social but we both admitted to being secret introverts haha!

[cleverusername]

You want some shared hobbies but you also want your own individual ones. Being able to share a hobby is cool, but I don't want to date myself. The great things about having different interests is that you can teach each other and learn new things, that's what dating and relationships are all about, growing together and supporting one another. I think this woman is an outlier. 

[Gaeta]

Just now, 90sFireRocket said:

If he started gaining the same interests as you (from a natural POV rather than forced for the sake of the marriage), at what point would you be happy staying married to him?

Our lack of common interests was not the reason our marriage ended but if it had only been a matter of common interests all I wanted was we do *something* together and I was open to anything. It could have been a sport, travel, gardening, anything. I would have liked a partner with whom I could have exchanged on politics, economy, current affairs, he was not interested in any of that. I would have been able to overlook that as I had friends & colleagues who were challenging in that aspect. 

Now that I am older, wiser, I will pick a partner with whom I have common interests, it doesn't need to be all of the same interests but enough, and also a partner that is interested in the world and is knowledgeable in current affairs. 

[FMW]

It sounds like it might be incompatibility about how much time you should share together, not necessarily just interests.  I like being free to do my own thing and with my girl friends and I think it's great when the guy I'm involved with spends time on his passion - fishing.  I think it's really good for him to spend time doing something that brings him peace and also time with his guy friends, away from me and other women.    

If you shared every interest I would think that would get boring.  But there are some couples who do share all of their hobbies and free time together.

[introverted1]

2 minutes ago, 90sFireRocket said:

Both in our 20s and have been in relationships before. They had anxiety I think and some insecurities which we did speak about and they knew I supported and understood them.

They were going through a large amount of stress at the time so maybe that played a factor, I was just left confused on their reasoning. They did say they had a tenancy to not push people away when stressed. We both liked going out and being social but we both admitted to being secret introverts haha!

Sometimes, when people are young and/or insecure, they need the validation of a partner who thinks/acts exactly as they do. That she broke up with you over seemingly minor differences in interests says more about her than you.  I understand you are hurting, but I don't think you should extrapolate this experience to anything bigger.  You seem to have the right outlook for a healthy relationship -- keep going, she's out there! 

[90sFireRocket]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Certain hobbies & interests take up more time then others.  If one partner has such an engrossing hobby but no one to share it with, that person may feel alone.  One of my EXs was an avid fisherman.  I hate fish but I like the beach & water so I would often go with him.  I'd sit & read a book.  He was OK with the togetherness; I didn't actually have to cast a line.   Some of my friends' husbands / SOs are really into car racing.  That hobby is very expensive & takes them all over the country.  (To clarify, they build & race the cars, not just sit in the stands & watch cars go 'round & round).  If my friends weren't open to traveling with these guys they would be left at home for long stretches which could undermine a relationship. 

In your case, politics is so derisive these days.  It could easily derail a relationship. 

As for somebody demanding the exact same level of interest that is a sign of immaturity.  Nobody is a carbon copy of another person.  It sounds like a silly reason to break up & may be an excuse.  It doesn't really matter why.  All you have to do is process the fact that the relationship ended & move on.  Changing who you are to keep a relationship never works.  Making small compromises is fine -- e.g. me reading on the fishing trips worked for us whereas me faking liking fishing would not be sustainable.  

I'm sorry this happened to you but I sense  that you understand balance so in the long run you will be OK.  

I'd love to wish that our own hobbies were big time consumers, it may have helped me see sense in their reasoning then, but unfortunately we both had hobbies that weren't time consuming. I can see from your point of view how those hobbies could become issues for some partnerships if they took up a lit of 'together' time or just polar opposites.

I personally love the thought of race car building!

It wasn't even politics. They worked in the prison sector so would talk about the internal politics and how politics and different parties want to handle prisoners and released offenders. We actually agreed on most of it, and the rest wasn't so much I disagreed on, just more that I didnt have a comment at the time.

Yeah they said that we didn't have things in common. I was so caught off guard by that I didn't respond for a second or two. I told them that there's a lot we do have (which is very true) but they just responded with "do you think", I said yes followed by them wiping their eyes and looking away and that was that part of the conversation done.

I do get the sense of immaturity now you say it, see them in a different light kinda.

[d0nnivain]

I suspect it's an excuse & they wanted to break up so they were free to date someone else who they perceived they had more in common with.  

[Gaeta]

How long did you date?

[90sFireRocket]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How long did you date?

4 months not long, that's how I knew about all the shared 'core' values and life goals we have

[90sFireRocket]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I suspect it's an excuse & they wanted to break up so they were free to date someone else who they perceived they had more in common with.  

It's such a shame as we had so many similarities where more people would count the most, but decided to go after their carbon copy perfect person

[SaraSays]

Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. 1 person will end a relationship due to not spending enough time together, another will end it for spending too much time together. 1 person will end a relationship due to it being predictable, another will end it for there being too much change and uncertainty. 1 person will end a relationship due to wanting kids and the other not, another will compromise and live happily with their compromise. There aren't trends in general, as far as I can tell.

What matters to 1 person, doesn't to another, and vice-versa. Some people attach great significance to hobbies, others don't, and the same is true of values. I've never shared hobbies with a boyfriend, so I don't know what it's like to have them in common, but I've never cared that we didn't share hobbies, and neither did they.

[Gaeta]

When someone leaves at 4 months it's because they have not bonded with the person. It sucks as at 4 months you start developping feelings on your end. 

[lana-banana]

Values, always values. Some common interests help but if you do actually value the same things you'll be fine.

I'm sorry to hear about the breakup, but I agree that what she told you was an excuse vs. a legitimate problem. People say all sorts of things to politely end relationships. They don't mean it. They just want to get out.