Situation with a friend

[josi334]

Hello Everyone

Hope you are all well and safe. I read the posts here often and have a learned a lot from them. So, I have been friends with this girl for a long time - since maybe  our second or third year living here. We are both from other countries.

I like her a lot - she is very thoughtful and sweet. We met when she was still single, then she got married and I became friends with her husband as well - they invited me often to their house - I spent a couple of thanksgiving with them. For our birthdays we treat each other. She then had a child and they moved further away from me ( like a 40min drive). After she had the baby most times we hang out she would bring him - it was not easy because we couldn't really talk but I was always welcoming of her son - I also tried to interact, play with him - build a relationship with him.

I confessed that it bothered a bit that she couldn't hang out without her sometimes son but I never said anything because I did not want to offend her - but sometimes I felt like she purposely wanted to bring him - so it was not a good feeling for me but I let it be. 

One thing is she is always trying to loose weight but before we would meet for brunch or dinner and she was ok with that. A few years ago, maybe 3, I wanted to take her out for her birthday and she chose a place near my house. I had made her a small chocolate cake ( I used almond flour, not a lot of sugar), a more healthier cake. She came over and we went to restaurant, after the restaurant I asked her back to my place for a surprise - which was the cake and I had a small gift to her. She did not want to eat the cake, not even a small piece, or take it home - I was a kind disappointed but I did not insist. 

After that, it became harder and harder to make plans with her - she would cancel or change often - she would do that before but I sensed that before she would put more effort. She would still invite for Thanksgiving and we would hang out sometimes - but every time we tried/try to make plans she wants to meet on weekdays after her work and then many times last minute she will tell me that she has only a hour because she has to help her son with homework or she has to get up at 5am the next day to go to her boot camp class. And sometimes she is the one who asks me to meet up.

We do not meet often - last year we met up twice - the first time it was in march and she had her son and her son's friend so she was constantly calling them out or reprehending them when we were hanging out. After that, she had asked If I wanted to go to her house she would help to learn how to ride a bike - I said I would let her know because I was not sure we should be getting together with Covid. Then sometime later I left her a voice message on whatsapp asking if she would like to go hiking -  she read and didn't reply for two weeks - I then asked if she had gotten my message and if she was ok - she then replied right away - said she was sorry and said she was "not good with messaging" - she called me and I  missed her call - called her later the same day and left a voice message then didn't hear back from her - she reach out sometime later and told she was going to travel and when she was back she would reach out for us to make plans to meet.

So then by September she reached saying she was back and asking me when I could meet - I said I could meet in the afternoon - I finished working usually earlier than her and anytime on weekends - she then asked to meet on a Thursday after her work- I said ok. She suggested we met up somewhere in the middle at a park for a walk and maybe to grab something to eat. I said it was good with me. Then the day before we met she told me she would not be able to go grab food and suggested that I  grab something and eat while we walked - so I said no, I don't want to do that and said lets just go for the walk.

The day we met she was late 30min and then when we met up she told she only could stay an hour because she had to go back and help her son with his homework. Anyway, she is going through a separation ( her marriage apparently is not good for sometime and she kind has been telling me that) and then she moved out end of last year.  When she told me she was moving I offered her help but she told me she was good - she had hired some people to help her.

Before Christmas I asked her what she was doing for Christmas ( I wanted to make sure she would not be be alone on Christmas) and she told me she had plans - I want to give her a plant for her new place and a bottle of wine so I asked if she wanted to hang out the weekend after Christmas - she  told me Saturday she had plans but maybe Sunday - so I said ok. I didn't hear from her about Sunday so I just did my own things. Some weeks later she messaged me and said that there were tennis courts near her new place and suggest we meet to play tennis - I said lets plan it when it gets warmer - then one day I saw the next day was going to be kind of a warmer day, I messaged her and asked if she could meet to play - she told me she could not because she had to organize things from her moving. I said ok.

Then sometime later she messaged me and again suggested we should meet to play as the weather is warming up. I said ok, let me know when you can and told my availability. A few weeks later, I got a week off from my work, so I messaged her and said I had that week off in case she could meet to play - she then told me ok lets meet Thursday -  I said ok - she then messaged me two days later saying she would have son that day so we would only be able to meet for an hour ( she lives 30min from me) - I kind got annoyed and said "it is too rushed, lets plan for another day" - she said sorry and suggest we meet on Sunday - I said ok - so Sunday comes and it is raining - I then message her and ask if she wants to do something else - she tells to come over and she will make lunch - I made a pumpkin bread and went over - I helped her fix some food then we eat, she then had an incident with her cat and took her sometime to clean up and give him a bath then after that we went for short a walk on her neighborhood - when we were on our walk, her ex husband called saying he was bringing their son so we walked back - we all stayed outside talking for a sometime and then a storm was forming - so I was not sure if would leave or wait a bit for the storm to pass but as soon her ex husband left she started doing chores - like she started taking stuffs out her and bringing inside- then she came inside and was opening some boxes and started doing art with her son - like I was not even there - her son was trying to talk to me( I was asking him to name vegetables, just playing) and she kind cut us off and asked him to go do the art project - it honestly felt weird - it was almost like she wanted me to leave.

Anyways, last week it was her birthday so her ex- husband messaged me saying he was organizing a small surprise birthday party for her and wanted me to come - I told him I would not be able to participate but I was planning in asking her over for a brunch or dinner. So I called her to wish a happy bday and asked if she could come over Sunday for brunch - she told me she would call me later to let me know.

I said ok - she then message me on Saturday and tells me Sunday will not work for her  and suggests during the week after her work - even though I don't really like to meet during the week after her work since is always rushed I said ok because it is for birthday. So I suggested Thursday and she said it might work. She then asks me if you can play tennis instead of eating. So I say ok we can also play tennis and asked if she does not want to eat at all? then I said I would like to treat her for her bday. This was Saturday and I haven't heard back.  

I feel very frustrated every time I try to make plans with her - I understand she is trying to loose weight but not wanting to eat at all - I was planning in making something light - I also  watch what I eat but someone asks me for dinner I skip or have a very small lunch so I can indulge a little. Also, I cant help but feel like she is always trying to squeeze me after her work so we don't have much time to spend - specially that she is always late. I honestly feel like she does not  like my company but why she still reaches out and and asks me to do things. Should i tell her how I feel about her?

Sorry its kind long but I needed to give some backstory.

 

Edited April 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

Hi @josi334 sounds like more of the same from what you wrote a couple of years ago.  I'm posting the link to help you process this current issue in context with what you wrote previously

You said in this new post "I cant help but feel like she is always trying to squeeze me after her work so we don't have much time to spend - specially that she is always late" and you've hit the nail on the head.  It sounds like she's flat out with work and parenting and is a single mom to boot.   

To be clear, I really, really understand your frustration with all the time changes and rescheduling, but I feel that on your part, there's a lack of understanding of how family life can impact social life.   She was initially giving you time at her home, but you didn't like having to share that with her child.   So now she meets after work sometimes, but you don't like that she has to cut it short and go be a mom afterwards.   I hate to say it, but this is parenthood.   My husband will meet a mate after work for a couple of drinks and then go home for dinner with the family.   For mothers, our catchups involve our children.   And yes, we really really miss the days when we could catch up with friends without dealing with kids...but that's what life is like now.  Likewise, like the guys, we can't stay out on a weeknight because there's so much parenting to be done at home.   Weekend schedules change too. Instead of hosting a BBQ for our friends, we're now having to do little league.

It was so very kind of you to want to give her a drink and diet cake/brunch/dinner for her birthday but if she's shown that she's prone to not wanting to eat the food...then stop making those suggestions.  I love to cook too and it's great to host our friends, but we can't expect people to eat it just to make us happy.   

The scheduling she's got going on sounds chaotic.  It sounds like she's got equal parts of bad planning/crazy schedule/overwhelmed.  

At the end of the day though, even if you got your head around her mommy schedule and stop trying to feed her, she's still gonna be flaky and probably can't deliver the kind of friendship you want.   The consensus on your last post was that you should move on from her.  I think this is very good advice. 

[ShyViolet]

This woman has a very busy life with having a son and being a single mom.  That's not going to change.  If you don't like the fact that she always seems busy and that your interactions with her feel rushed, then get new friends. Your expectations of this woman are too high.  Give her some space and allow her to let you know when she's free to hang out.  Don't expect her to make plans with you all the time.   Either accept that this is how your friendship with her is going to be and adjust your expectations, or move on from this friendship if it makes you unhappy.

[spiderowl]

While she is busy and children dotake up all your time, especially if you are a single parent, she is not considering you an important part of her life.  You have let her rearrange many times whereas you should have allowed it up to a point and then cancelled.  She needs to be considerate, if she is your friend, and you need to be understanding about her commitments.

If she got the impression you did not like meeting when the children were around, that would make it difficult for her.  Getting 'time off' when you have children is extremely difficult.  Usually, one has to arrange a babysitter or can only manage it when they are in school.  If she is working when they are in school, then she would have to arrange a babysitter or see you when the children were with her ex.

Whatever is going on, she is not considering your feelings and keeps changing plans.  This is not fair on you.  You would be better off finding other friends who are more available and who do not always expect you to change your plans.

Edited May 21, 2021 by spiderowl

[dramafreezone]

She's a single mother.   You are never going to take priority over her child, ever, especially if she wants to be a good mother.  That child comes 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th.  You probably come 10th or 11th in her life, at best.  And that's understandable.

Quite honestly I don't really get the sense of indignation.  You are not going to have the friend that you did before the child.  Friendships change with marriage and motherhood.  It seems like you expect things to go back to the way they used to be and that's not going to ever happen.  I would actually cut her a lot of slack, try to be more understanding, you know, be a good friend, and maybe she'll be more inclined to make a better effort on her part.

Edited May 22, 2021 by dramafreezone

[josi334]

Thank you Spiderowl

I always try to be understanding of her situation - when her son was younger(he is 7yo now) I always welcomed her to bring him whenever we hang out even though it was difficult for us to talk because she was constantly monitoring him. She and her son's father recently separated and she moved out but until then they lived together  so she had her husband to help. One time I even bought tickets for us to go to a zoo so her son see the animals and we could talk - I never expected her to pay a babysitter so she could hang out with me. Now that she and her husband are separated they split their son's time 50/50, so one week he is with his father.  I do feel like she is not willing  to put much effort into our friendship(mostly she offers to hand out during the week after work which is rushed because we live kind far from each other). And yes I letting go and trying to make new friends but  it just me sad because we've been friends for a long time.

[Wiseman2]

People in the throes of divorce are going through a lot of changes and turmoil.

Just step back and understand that she can't really be there for you while her and her son's life are in this much flux.

Yes stay busy with other friends, family work etc.

[BeanCounter]

On 5/20/2021 at 10:14 PM, spiderowl said:

While she is busy and children dotake up all your time, especially if you are a single parent, she is not considering you an important part of her life.  You have let her rearrange many times whereas you should have allowed it up to a point and then cancelled.  She needs to be considerate, if she is your friend, and you need to be understanding about her commitments.

If she got the impression you did not like meeting when the children were around, that would make it difficult for her.  Getting 'time off' when you have children is extremely difficult.  Usually, one has to arrange a babysitter or can only manage it when they are in school.  If she is working when they are in school, then she would have to arrange a babysitter or see you when the children were with her ex.

Whatever is going on, she is not considering your feelings and keeps changing plans.  This is not fair on you.  You would be better off finding other friends who are more available and who do not always expect you to change your plans.

I like this interpretation... You've done a lot of really great, thoughtful things for her. If she doesn't have the time to appreciate it, you're just going to be continually feeling frustrated. I would say stop putting so much effort into it, and find someone who appreciates your friendship a little bit more. She's made her choices in life regarding work, family, and children. You've made different choices. Find friends who are more available to be friends.

Not saying you need some ultimatum with her, just stop putting forth so much effort when it isn't reciprocated. 

[stillafool]

It seems your friend is bending over backwards to include you in her busy life but it still isn't enough for you.  As we've advised you before perhaps you need to find new friends who are single and free.  You can't keep beating a dead horse.  Your friend now has different priorities and you aren't high on that list.  Her child and husband (they will probably work it out since he threw her a B-day party) and their family life will always take precedence over you.  If it was her birthday weekend your chance to be with her was at the party you didn't attend.  I can see how she was too busy to see you that weekend because she probably wanted to be with her son and family.  When I was single and one of my friends married I knew our friendship would change so I spent more time with other single friends.  Do you have other single friends to hang out with?  If so, why is this friendship so important?  You have been complaining about her not spending time with you for years, why is that?