Ami1uwant Posted April 27, 2021 Posted April 27, 2021 6 hours ago, unusedturnip said: That's a very fair point but the friend brought it up with me, I didn't ask the friend about why she ended it once. I'm not trying to fix things tbh, I'm just now curious about reasons why people may end something like that, like if people have similar stories - then realised I have done that myself haha. I get over people quicker hearing those stories, sounds counterproductive I know. I'm totally over my my 5 relationship. It really did run it's course. We ended it together because I moved to the different side of the country and we started drifting apart anyway. Oh she definitely wouldn't come and get her things from me if she can't even reply to a text so I would post them anyway, just don't want to be seen as attention seeking, so it's a matter of when rather than if. people end for many reasons 1 people realize there are differences in ket areas. Nothing wrong in what the other does. It’s just different. These are religion, wanting kid, where you want to live, long term goals, different styles of people that would make living to get her hard. 2. these see problems in you in your style that can cause conflict or what you tolerate now, they won’t tolerate later. It might be cute now but it’s scertching chalk later.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 27, 2021 Posted April 27, 2021 8 hours ago, unusedturnip said: I see nothing wrong with damaged people, they just need a little help and support from who they trust the most. While I generally agree with your sentiment, surely you also realize that you are not someone she would trust very much yet. The relationship was too short for that. I tend to believe that if it fizzled for her after just a couple months, she is definitely not the one who got away. It's simply a relationship that ended right when you were developing more feelings and not ready to let it go. It doesn't even particularly matter why. She isn't where you are, in terms of wanting to work on things and progress together. Her past might be a factor, yes, but there could also be any number of other variables in her choice that have nothing to do with her past. The theory that she got scared and bolted is merely that - a theory. Neither you nor her friend knows if that's actually true. Given that she didn't open up about it with you directly, you need to assume she doesn't wish to discuss it further. 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 27, 2021 Posted April 27, 2021 13 hours ago, unusedturnip said: Couple of months. She might be the one that got away! After dating 60 days, she is not "the one who got away". It just seems like that because the breakup is too fresh. Take time out from chitchatting with her friends. It's not a good idea. Buzzing around her friends won't get her back, in fact it will probably backfire. Stay no contact. Reflect in peace. 2 mos on/off seems turbulent.
mark clemson Posted April 27, 2021 Posted April 27, 2021 https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/601149-whats-more-important-values-or-interests/?do=findComment&comment=7969802 1
Alfano Posted April 27, 2021 Posted April 27, 2021 22 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Meh, I take reasons given for a break-up with a grain of salt. It's almost always a loss of attraction, plain and simple. That's so wrong. There's a whole host of reasons why breakups happen even when there is a ton of attraction. 1
dramafreezone Posted April 27, 2021 Posted April 27, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Alfano said: That's so wrong. There's a whole host of reasons why breakups happen even when there is a ton of attraction. Like what? Can you explain your assertion in greater detail? Edited April 27, 2021 by dramafreezone
Alfano Posted April 27, 2021 Posted April 27, 2021 2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Like what? Can you explain your assertion in greater detail? Job relocation forces one partner to move while the other must stay behind due to family obligations One partner is abusive One partner has a drug/sex/gambling addiction One partner cheats One partner becomes disabled, disfigured, develops an incurable degenerative disease like MS and the other partner just can't handle it. They find out they're related such as being cousins or even siblings. One of them gets incarcerated for a serious crime. One partner finds out the other partner is into sex with animals or has a fetish for human waste. Those are off the top of my head I'm sure there are lots more.
dramafreezone Posted April 27, 2021 Posted April 27, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Alfano said: Job relocation forces one partner to move while the other must stay behind due to family obligations One partner is abusive One partner has a drug/sex/gambling addiction One partner cheats One partner becomes disabled, disfigured, develops an incurable degenerative disease like MS and the other partner just can't handle it. They find out they're related such as being cousins or even siblings. One of them gets incarcerated for a serious crime. One partner finds out the other partner is into sex with animals or has a fetish for human waste. Those are off the top of my head I'm sure there are lots more. So you're listing all of the exceptions to the rule, some of them being extremely rare occurences. What's far more likely than any of those things happening? One person loses attraction and they're just not feeling it anymore. Edited April 27, 2021 by dramafreezone
Alfano Posted April 27, 2021 Posted April 27, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: So you're listing all of the exceptions to the rule, some of them being extremely rare occurences. What's far more likely than any of those things happening? One person loses attraction and they're just not feeling it anymore. Loss of attraction might be at the top of the list but it isn't "almost always the reason" which is what you posted initially and what I responded to. What you are doing here is "moving the goal posts". PS another common one is the guy who is lazy, doesn't help around the house, doesn't show his wife affection. She nags and even begs and finally gives up. He's happy because wifey finally leaves him alone so he can drink his beer and play his video games. Until he gets served with divorce papers or finds out she's banging the next door neighbor. She might still find him attractive but is just fed up with his habits which miraculously materialized soon after they exchanged their vows. It happens all the time. Edited April 27, 2021 by Alfano
dramafreezone Posted April 27, 2021 Posted April 27, 2021 1 minute ago, Alfano said: Loss of attraction might be at the top of the list but it isn't "almost always the reason" which is what you posted initially and what I responded to. What you are doing here is "moving the goal posts". You're just making this an argument of semantics. It doesn't really change the validity of my point; loss of attraction is far and away the primary reason why people break up. If you want to think of this as a "gotcha" you're certainly free to do so.
Author unusedturnip Posted April 28, 2021 Author Posted April 28, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, dramafreezone said: 11 hours ago, Alfano said: I agree with you both. While loss of attraction is the main reason for most break-ups, it doesn't mean any other reason is a one off. Another big reason for break-ups I see around here is communication (and trust enough to communicate personal experiences), and a lot of the comments splurge the same "well if he/she liked/loved you enough, they would communicate with you/trust you enough" but unfortunately that is not the case. Let's give two examples: 1. You're dating someone for a while, but not long enough to build deep trust. They're never experienced a loss before but suddenly they find out a family member has died. With having never experienced something like this, they're not sure how to feel. You're now in this weird space where you're not a stranger, but you're not part of their deep rooted trust circle yet either due to having dated for only a short while. When you're suffering with something that is causing you stress, sometimes the partner is pushed away, or the relationship ends, because although they want to be with you, they can't give you what they use to give you (their time, their best self, availability) until they've handled it, so don't want to string you along while they sort themselves out and handle their loss/issue. Right place, wrong time. 2. You're dating someone for a while. Things are going really well and are starting to get serious, albeit, moving fast. Last time they were in a relationship, their partner emotionally abused/blackmailed them. It gets so bad where they end it but need therapy and antidepressants to get over it. With things getting serious between the two of you, they withdraw, their only experience with relationships/exclusivity is being controlled, blackmailed and emotionally abused. You're now in this weird space where you're not a stranger, but you're not part of their deep rooted trust circle yet either due to having dated for only a short while, so while they communicate to slow down, they don't feel comfortable saying why. More often than not, this may make you feel insecure about you two because society nowadays associates the phrase "need to slow down" as meaning either they're dating around or don't fancy you any longer. So when they withdraw a tad (as they want to slow down), you pick up pace a tad (which is human instinct I believe), but this makes them think you don't respect their need for space/slowing down (which was a trait of their bad ex) which sometimes causes them to break-up. My cousin experienced the first example, and my best mate experienced the second example. Both got back with ex's so that's how I can say what the ex's were feeling. While those two examples could be seen as 'one offs' it doesn't mean that other people creating topics on here aren't experiencing the same thing when seeking help. We shouldn't be tarnishing all break ups as loss of attraction unless it's kinda hinted or mentioned, as trust and communication are also massive factors in break-ups, as well as other factors Edited April 28, 2021 by unusedturnip
Author unusedturnip Posted April 28, 2021 Author Posted April 28, 2021 So just to add, I think that it's always either Attraction, Communication, or Trust that triggers a break-up, and other factors lead off from those three. 1
SumGuy Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 On 4/26/2021 at 11:03 AM, unusedturnip said: .... Separate note: Should I send her the things she left at mine? I'm worried if I do it may come across as me wanting her attention (especially as she didn't acknowledge to my drunk message, or the apology after), but a few of those items I know mean a lot to her and would want them back. I think it is the right thing to do to ask. Leave it to her how she'd like to get them back, she comes by, you drop them off, the mutual friend takes them. You want it to be about actually getting the stuff back to her, not an excuse to see her again. If small enough you could also offer to mail them.
SumGuy Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 6 hours ago, unusedturnip said: So just to add, I think that it's always either Attraction, Communication, or Trust that triggers a break-up, and other factors lead off from those three. Agreed that loss of attraction is not the all of it or even the most common in my limited view. It is often more the nature of the relationship not being what is wanted or feel comfortable with. If the mutual friend's report is accurate that seems to be very much the case here, not giving you what you want is code for not wanting whatever level of intimacy she thinks you want, which goes hand her being too much for you...that can mean a lot of things, good , bad, her protecting her ego...etc. Now a person not liking the type of relationship they think you want can lead to decreased attraction, but that is an effect not a cause. In my view, the shorthand is she has been controlling herself, in what she says and how she reacts (because the real her is "too much" for you) and the real her then is not what you want, that real her can't give you what you want. Assuming the info you got is accurate and not just a go to excuse she figures you will accept.
Wiseman2 Posted April 29, 2021 Posted April 29, 2021 Incompatibility is a huge issue that has zero to do with communication, trust or attraction and is quite common. Unfortunately a lot of breakup reasons are sheer BS and often you never really know. Very often it's some variation of "it's me not you" or "'you're a jerk/witch", depending on how tactful/volatile the relationship was overall. You would think cheating is a huge reason, and it is however money tops that and "irreconcilable differences" tops them all. People just get on each other's nerves and start resenting and feeling contemptuous.
Author unusedturnip Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 On 4/26/2021 at 4:03 PM, unusedturnip said: Should I send her the things she left at mine? I'm worried if I do it may come across as me wanting her attention (especially as she didn't acknowledge to my drunk message, or the apology after), but a few of those items I know mean a lot to her and would want them back. I messaged her last night, just asking if she wanted her stuff back. She replied saying "I'm sorry but I don't think it's helpful for us to talk, please do take care x", I replied just saying "sorry I didn't know if you were still struggling, but I totally get it, no worries". She instantly read and then blocked me straight away, before I even got the chance to write "take care". I guess that's that then.
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 She's rude. That should be the last nail in the coffin you need. You still can't keep the stuff. Box it up. Give it to the mutual friend & be done. If she is so spiteful taht she wants to throw it out, let her. It's her stuff.
Author unusedturnip Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 37 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: She's rude. That should be the last nail in the coffin you need. You still can't keep the stuff. Box it up. Give it to the mutual friend & be done. If she is so spiteful taht she wants to throw it out, let her. It's her stuff. She only blocked me on Whatsapp though so wonder if she's trying to prove a point or trying to hurt me for some reason? Either way I'll give her stuff to the mutual tomorrow when I'm free. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Get rid of the stuff & be done. Don't sink to her level but do stop communicating
Author unusedturnip Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: Get rid of the stuff & be done. Don't sink to her level but do stop communicating I'll be glad once it's gone. Not so much because it reminds me of her, more so it takes up space and as it's not mine so I can't just dump it you know. Did I do something wrong by reaching out about her things? Not blaming myself, just curious where her head may have been at. Still matched on the dating app we met on and not blocked on any other socials, and she knows I know that probably. Edited April 30, 2021 by unusedturnip
SaraSays Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 I always return any stuff. I've left it in mailboxes, arranged a time and place, or posted it back. I never keep, nor destroy, anything. I'd hate for someone to mishandle my stuff.
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 No, you did nothing wrong. You were gracious which makes her response all the worse. Alas too many people have no manners these days.
Alfano Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 She didn't take you up on your offer to return her stuff. If it was me anything of value goes for sale on Ebay, Craiglist, and local FB Marketplace. Anything of little to no value gets dropped off at Good Will. Anything of less than no value goes out with the garbage to the curb.
Author unusedturnip Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 (edited) She mailed me my stuff which I received so only fair I get hers back to her, then at least I can't feel bad for any reason. Although I do wish she would block me on everything rather than just Whatsapp, maybe I wouldn't feel like I did something wrong/being punished Edited April 30, 2021 by unusedturnip
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