reasons for a break up?

[unusedturnip]

I dated this girl for a while but she ended it all of a sudden. No arguments, no fights, no change in attitude or sign of distance. We respected each other.

We have a mutual friend who's close with her but has also become a best-friend to me (don't think she knows about it). The mutual friend told me that the reason she ended it was because she felt she was too much for me, and couldn't give me what I wanted. She's been treated badly in previous relationships and had trauma in her life.

She admitted to being into me. I Maybe I'm naive to dating again as I came out of a 5 year relationship 13 months ago, but confused as to why she couldn't continue dating me?

[d0nnivain]

She couldn't continue to date you because she has issues that have nothing to do with you.  As a result she sees herself in a negative light (can't give you what you want) so she ended it.  

Let her go.  You can't fix what's broken in her.  

Be wary of this so called best mutual friend.  Assume everything you say will get back to her.  

[unusedturnip]

24 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

She couldn't continue to date you because she has issues that have nothing to do with you.  As a result she sees herself in a negative light (can't give you what you want) so she ended it.  

Let her go.  You can't fix what's broken in her.  

Be wary of this so called best mutual friend.  Assume everything you say will get back to her.  

Yeah you're right! It is a shame as I was starting to like her but I'm starting to understand why she couldn't see a future with me with all that she's going through.

I wish she could have communicated with me as I would have been willing to help out where I could.

Wednesday we split and stupidly of me, Saturday night a drunk text saying "I missed you, wish we worked out. Thank you for the great time getting to know each other lovely". She didn't reply. Sunday morning I apologised for the drunk text. No reply. Later that day was when me and the mutual friend spoke.

Knowing all that I do now., I wish there was something I could do. Tell her I understand why she ended it. Let her know I'm there for her. Just wish she communicated what she was thinking/feeling.

[d0nnivain]

It's sweet of you to want to do that but she's not in a place where she can hear you.  

[glows]

34 minutes ago, unusedturnip said:

I wish she could have communicated with me as I would have been willing to help out where I could.

Knowing all that I do now., I wish there was something I could do. Tell her I understand why she ended it. Let her know I'm there for her. Just wish she communicated what she was thinking/feeling.

Unfortunately whatever her reasons she's not interested in seeing you anymore. I'd be very cautious about this person who's feeding you information. The parts in bold are a reaction to what's been told to you (third party information), not exactly info from her. 

Consider this over with some dignity and grace, don't overextend yourself based on what this other person says. 

[unusedturnip]

51 minutes ago, glows said:

Unfortunately whatever her reasons she's not interested in seeing you anymore. I'd be very cautious about this person who's feeding you information. The parts in bold are a reaction to what's been told to you (third party information), not exactly info from her. 

Consider this over with some dignity and grace, don't overextend yourself based on what this other person says. 

I do trust what the mutual friend is saying, we're quite close and they've known the girl for a long while.

The girl briefly, very briefly, touched on her past during the breakup but when I went to ask a question she would not answer and swerve away from it. I guess it's hard for her to express herself about something that's hard for her when already doing something stuff like a break up which I get. It was a very quick break-up chat, like 15 mins maybe.

Separate note: Should I send her the things she left at mine? I'm worried if I do it may come across as me wanting her attention (especially as she didn't acknowledge to my drunk message, or the apology after), but a few of those items I know mean a lot to her and would want them back.

Edited April 26, 2021 by unusedturnip

[SaraSays]

It's impossible to know what she thinks, and I'd caution against using a 3rd party's opinion as a basis for doing anything. Communication between 2 people directly is hard at the best of times When someone tries to tell us what someone else is thinking (with all the bias and exaggerations and misunderstandings that come with that), I'd guess it's rarely with anyone's best interest at heart - more just a will to be part of the chaos and to elevate oneself as a message bringer.

Just focus on moving forward with your life, I would say.

[unusedturnip]

I remember on our forth date she was saying that she can pull away at times and push others away when massively stressed, worried and overthinking, and that it's something she needs to work on.

I'm wondering if that's what might of caused this. I know I can't do anything in terms of trying again with her, just thinking out loud here and being curious if that's something people can do.

I know people say that if they want to be with you they will, but I remember wanting to be with someone when I was dating them years and years ago but I ended it with them purely because I felt I wasn't good enough for them so pushed them away as I had s**t happening in my life at the time. At the time think I remember saying that I didn't see a future with her only because I didn't know when or if my situation would settle down to a point where I could focus on her again. To this day I regret that decision with that old flame but knew it was what I needed at the time, she's now married funnily enough. 

What goes around comes around I guess haha...

Edited April 26, 2021 by unusedturnip

[Calmandfocused]

I personally think you’re way too emotionally invested in this woman. Could you be projecting the grief you  feel/ felt as a result of your 5 year relationship  breakdown onto her? 
 

Either way you need to stop trying to fix what she doesn’t want you to fix. 

Also you’d be doing yourself a favour if you stopped preoccupying yourself with the reasons why she broke up with you. The facts are that she DID break up with you and she’s not interested in talking to you anymore. It’s brutal but this is all you need to know! 
 

 

[glows]

2 hours ago, unusedturnip said:

I do trust what the mutual friend is saying, we're quite close and they've known the girl for a long while.

The girl briefly, very briefly, touched on her past during the breakup but when I went to ask a question she would not answer and swerve away from it. I guess it's hard for her to express herself about something that's hard for her when already doing something stuff like a break up which I get. It was a very quick break-up chat, like 15 mins maybe.

Separate note: Should I send her the things she left at mine? I'm worried if I do it may come across as me wanting her attention (especially as she didn't acknowledge to my drunk message, or the apology after), but a few of those items I know mean a lot to her and would want them back.

It's questionable whether you should be discussing the relationship with this "friend". Consider all the people involved here, not just your slighted emotions or feeling bad about what happened on your end.

Let her know the items are in your possession and the days for pick up up to a date and then you'll have to clear them. Past that date you'll have to clear it out. Make up some reason you have to get rid of them. Don't hold on to them or believe she will one day need them if she tells you she doesn't want them. 

Yes, I know it's hard but you've got see the big picture. She doesn't want to date you or see you. This is over.

Edited April 26, 2021 by glows

[unusedturnip]

24 minutes ago, glows said:

It's questionable whether you should be discussing the relationship with this "friend". Consider all the people involved here, not just your slighted emotions or feeling bad about what happened on your end.

Let her know the items are in your possession and the days for pick up up to a date and then you'll have to clear them. Past that date you'll have to clear it out. Make up some reason you have to get rid of them. Don't hold on to them or believe she will one day need them if she tells you she doesn't want them. 

Yes, I know it's hard but you've got see the big picture. She doesn't want to date you or see you. This is over.

That's a very fair point but the friend brought it up with me, I didn't ask the friend about why she ended it once.

I'm not trying to fix things tbh, I'm just now curious about reasons why people may end something like that, like if people have similar stories - then realised I have done that myself haha. I get over people quicker hearing those stories, sounds counterproductive I know.

I'm totally over my my 5 relationship. It really did run it's course. We ended it together because I moved to the different side of the country and we started drifting apart anyway.

Oh she definitely wouldn't come and get her things from me if she can't even reply to a text so I would post them anyway, just don't want to be seen as attention seeking, so it's a matter of when rather than if. 

Edited April 26, 2021 by unusedturnip

[glows]

8 minutes ago, unusedturnip said:

That's a very fair point but the friend brought it up with me, I didn't ask the friend about why she ended it once.

I'm not trying to fix things tbh, I'm just now curious about reasons why people may end something like that, like if people have similar stories - then realised I have done that myself haha. I get over people quicker hearing those stories, sounds counterproductive I know.

I'm totally over my my 5 relationship. It really did run it's course. We ended it together because I moved to the different side of the country and we started drifting apart anyway.

I find it weird why everyone says to stop thinking about it like it's a switch that I can just turn off. More often than not, when I force myself to not think about something, it ends up coming back to bite me haha, rather just let it run and let it fade out my memory when it fades out naturally.

Sometimes the other person is just not interested. Chemistry is not right, unattractive, lack of similar values. As an example, I generally steer clear of men who don't seem to know what they want (romantically or in life) or hide behind thin veneers of what they say they want while wanting something else. Lack of self-awareness is a huge turn off and I'm allergic to manipulation.

In dating, leave room for someone simply not liking you. It doesn't mean you have to take it so hard or personally. In the end it serves you better spending your time with likeminded and others who appreciate you. It is actually totally OK to walk away from someone who no longer adds to your life even if it's not your choice. You can still walk away from it instead of standing there wondering. 

I agree with you it takes time but in that time put a limit to the thoughts and ruminating about her. What I used to do was write in a journal (you can post here if you like), think about things for half an hour and then cap it. I'd simply walk away from the desk and go outside. Even if I felt like crap I'd still do it to give myself a mental break and do something new or different. 

 

Edited April 26, 2021 by glows

[unusedturnip]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

Sometimes the other person is just not interested. Chemistry is not right, unattractive, lack of similar values. As an example, I generally steer clear of men who don't seem to know what they want (romantically or in life) or hide behind thin veneers of what they say they want while wanting something else. Lack of self-awareness is a huge turn off and I'm allergic to manipulation.

in dating, leave room for someone simply not liking you. It doesn't mean you have to take it so hard or personally. In the end it serves you better spending your time with likeminded and others who appreciate you.

I saw a article once on the psychology of dating and they were saying how you can meet someone who ticks all the boxes you're looking for, same life goals, personalities click, great sexual chemistry,  and vice versa for them, and it seems so perfect that people get afraid about how perfect it is that it surely will be down hill from here that they end it. They did a poll and out of the 86% that agreed with that statement, something like 95% of the people that agreed had bad/abusive relationship history.

Food for thought, it makes you think. Wonder what triggers that do you think?

Edited April 26, 2021 by unusedturnip

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, unusedturnip said:

Knowing all that I do now., I wish there was something I could do. Tell her I understand why she ended it. Let her know I'm there for her. 

No, don't do this. 

I know you have good intentions, but given that she didn't discuss this with yourself, it's best to let it be. The friend does not speak for her, and cannot presume to know the full story behind her decision to end this. Seeking out confirmation bias from random pyschology articles isn't particularly productive, either. 

It hurts, but you can only respect her choice that this wasn't what she wanted any longer and didn't want to string you along. 

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, unusedturnip said:

 Should I send her the things she left at mine? I'm worried if I do it may come across as me wanting her attention (especially as she didn't acknowledge to my drunk message, or the apology after), but a few of those items I know mean a lot to her and would want them back.

Use the mutual friend as a delivery person.  You can't very well keep the stuff.  Do the right thing & return the stuff.  It's not about you & it's not attention seeking behavior.  

[lana-banana]

Get her friend to help return her things. You can psychoanalyze all day long but the truth is that she simply didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. It's not that you were "too perfect" or things were "too good". She wasn't feeling it anymore for whatever reason. She doesn't want you to help fix things and she doesn't want to work it out - she just wants to move on. One of the best pieces of advice I learned from this website is that when someone wants to walk out of your life, let them. 

Edited April 26, 2021 by lana-banana

[dramafreezone]

7 hours ago, unusedturnip said:

I dated this girl for a while but she ended it all of a sudden. No arguments, no fights, no change in attitude or sign of distance. We respected each other.

We have a mutual friend who's close with her but has also become a best-friend to me (don't think she knows about it). The mutual friend told me that the reason she ended it was because she felt she was too much for me, and couldn't give me what I wanted. She's been treated badly in previous relationships and had trauma in her life.

She admitted to being into me. I Maybe I'm naive to dating again as I came out of a 5 year relationship 13 months ago, but confused as to why she couldn't continue dating me?

Meh, I take reasons given for a break-up with a grain of salt.  It's almost always a loss of attraction, plain and simple. 

Why that loss of attraction occured can vary widely.  Hell she might not even know why.  Our minds latch on to logical reasons and map it on to our emotional decisions.  But there's also a desire to not hurt the other person's feelings.  This can result in a bunch of nonsensical reasons given for a breakup.

No one who's madly in love with someone else breaks up with him, remember that.   Whether you began acting needy, or neglectful, or she just met someone she liked better, she lost attraction most likely.

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, unusedturnip said:

I saw a article once on the psychology of dating and they were saying how you can meet someone who ticks all the boxes you're looking for, same life goals, personalities click, great sexual chemistry,  and vice versa for them, and it seems so perfect that people get afraid about how perfect it is that it surely will be down hill from here that they end it. They did a poll and out of the 86% that agreed with that statement, something like 95% of the people that agreed had bad/abusive relationship history.

Food for thought, it makes you think. Wonder what triggers that do you think?

It's because many people that grow up in dysfunctional families and experience subsequent abusive relationships don't know how to participate in a healthy relationship.  It doesn't feel right to them, and they're not comfortable in them.  They've seen and learned maladaptive behaviors, so that's all they know. 

Sometimes they also see themselves as not worthy, so they just figure it's a matter of time before the SO sees what they see, so they get out.  These people need therapy more than a relationship.  OP, one thing is for certain, you cannot fix her, and it's not your job to fix her.  You don't need to "be there" for her, be there for yourself, live your life.

Edited April 26, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, unusedturnip said:

I dated this girl for a while but she ended it all of a sudden. I came out of a 5 year relationship 13 months ago.

Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? Was she on the rebound or on/off with an ex? What, exactly, Does she mean by "Couldn't give you what you want"? What did you want? 

Let the dust settle. Stop talking to her friend and stop communicating for a while.

[unusedturnip]

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? Was she on the rebound or on/off with an ex? What, exactly, Does she mean by "Couldn't give you what you want"? What did you want? 

Let the dust settle. Stop talking to her friend and stop communicating for a while.

Couple of months altogether, not a long time but it was passionate and affectionate. No exs about, and no behaviour which I found suspicious. We were both going with the flow but leaning towards something meaningful, if there was something she thought I wanted, she didn't communicate it.

Knowing about her relatiinship history, I'm seeing "Couldn't give you what you want" as more about her and how her experience in relationships has played a part. I'm not blaming that, but moreso thinking it was the biggest contributing factor which I feel sad for her about, must be tough.

She might be the one that got away!

[dramafreezone]

40 minutes ago, unusedturnip said:

Couple of months altogether, not a long time but it was passionate and affectionate. No exs about, and no behaviour which I found suspicious. We were both going with the flow but leaning towards something meaningful, if there was something she thought I wanted, she didn't communicate it.

Knowing about her relatiinship history, I'm seeing "Couldn't give you what you want" as more about her and how her experience in relationships has played a part. I'm not blaming that, but moreso thinking it was the biggest contributing factor which I feel sad for her about, must be tough.

She might be the one that got away!

You sound as if you're looking for a reason to try to get back in touch with her, to try to fix things.  How could you think she might be the one that got away?  Non-damaged people know Ihow to communicate effectively.  The very fact that you have no real idea of why she broke up is evidence that she's definitely not the one that got away.

This may be one you will only learn after some more heartache.  Good luck.

Edited April 26, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Miss Peach]

I went through something similar recently and had to tell a guy that. I just wasn't willing to give him as much of my time as he wanted for what he was offering. I had some other personal goals outside of being with him. If she's recently out of something she might be working with a therapist/coach/group, deepening friendships, getting into new hobbies, etc. to fill herself back up.

 

You sent your text telling her the door is open. Now stop contacting her. IMO it's better at this point for men to play the long game and move on. With my exes that won't leave me alone all it does is prolong the amount of time I stay NC.

[unusedturnip]

27 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

You sound as if you're looking for a reason to try to get back in touch with her, to try to fix things.  How could you think she might be the one that got away?  Non-damaged people know Ihow to communicate effectively.  The very fact that you have no real idea of why she broke up.

I don't think she needed to clearly say why she ended things for me to know why she ended things. Dating started to turn serious, she starts mentioning briefly that she's been abused by past partners and she has issues with opening up. She ends it. She knew that we were getting more serious, probably guessed that I was thinking about a relationship with her (only natural the more two people get serious), realised she couldn't give me that as that's been a stickler in her past.

I dated a girl once when I was young, I had really bad anxiety due to how overweight I was. I loved the girl, we were together for two years. I ended it because my anxiety was so bad I didn't want her or anyone seeing how unattractive I thought I was. I was insanely attracted to her, but couldn't see a future with anyone while my issues ate me up so I ended it.

Can people please stop saying that they think I'm looking for ways to reach out. I'm not. Me asking questions and opinions why someone may end a relationship and give reasons like she did doesn't mean I'm looking for reasons why I should reach out.

Also your statement about non-damged people knowing how to communicate is so wrong. I know "damaged people" that have been way better communicators than "non-damaged" people and vic versa. I see nothing wrong with damaged people, they just need a little help and support from who they trust the most.

[Alpacalia]

She is unlikely to trust a new partner because of her past, and if things become too serious, she will feel trapped. Like she avoids and rejects what is unfamiliar to her. I'm not sure how far she's come with her recovery, but there's so much to unpack and process following an abusive relationship that it typically takes a long time.

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, unusedturnip said:

I don't think she needed to clearly say why she ended things for me to know why she ended things. Dating started to turn serious, she starts mentioning briefly that she's been abused by past partners and she has issues with opening up. She ends it. She knew that we were getting more serious, probably guessed that I was thinking about a relationship with her (only natural the more two people get serious), realised she couldn't give me that as that's been a stickler in her past.

I dated a girl once when I was young, I had really bad anxiety due to how overweight I was. I loved the girl, we were together for two years. I ended it because my anxiety was so bad I didn't want her or anyone seeing how unattractive I thought I was. I was insanely attracted to her, but couldn't see a future with anyone while my issues ate me up so I ended it.

Can people please stop saying that they think I'm looking for ways to reach out. I'm not. Me asking questions and opinions why someone may end a relationship and give reasons like she did doesn't mean I'm looking for reasons why I should reach out.

Also your statement about non-damged people knowing how to communicate is so wrong. I know "damaged people" that have been way better communicators than "non-damaged" people and vic versa. I see nothing wrong with damaged people, they just need a little help and support from who they trust the most.

Sure, from paid therapists that know what they're doing and her family.  The one thing we know is that she dosen't want your help. Five people in this thread have made that same point.

I only respond to you so much because you sound exactly like I did in the past.  I thought I could support women, rescue and help them, and then they would appreciate it and fall in love witth me.  It doesn't work.  She doesn't want your help.

In any event, I hope everything works out well for you.