Spicydicey449 Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 I'm 25, I've been seeing this guy who is 27 for a little over a month now. And I feel like it's the best I've been treated thus far. I got out of an almost 6 year, very toxic relationship where he was super possessive and jealous but also quite literally never acted like he liked me. Then I dated a string of guys in the past 2 years that haven't panned out. They all either "weren't looking for something more serious" or would be until they found the next best thing. But none of them ever really went out of their way at all to make me feel special, even though they were nice to me (none of them were bad people). BUT this guy takes me out, makes a point to see me throughout the week even though our weekday schedules aren't very aligned. I think he took me out and just hung out with me and tried to get to know me around 4 or 5 times before he even tried to kiss me? (Since we have been having sex and its great as well). He's had me come over and cooked me dinner and introduced me to some of his friends, and holds my hand publicly and stuff. He's gone plant shopping with me and let's me do his nails. It's awesome and weird. I genuinely feel like he is really into me. But I've such a bleh streak before that I'm just waiting for it to end. I also can't tell if it's too much? I don't think so. It feels genuine and it's not like he's dropping crazy money or anything. I also have bought him dinner, made dinner, brought him Starbucks before one of his classes. But this isn't "lovebombing" or manipulative sounding is it? Part of me feels ridiculous for asking, but part of me doesn't. It's just weird to not be treated to well prior to this so it feels excessive to be prioritized by someone? 2
basil67 Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 It sounds wonderful to me. It may or may not last, but fingers crossed that it continues so positively. 5
ShyViolet Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 No it doesn't sound manipulative, it sounds like a normal relationship. 2
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 It would be fast for me but it's also pretty normal. Your problem is that you were treated so badly in that toxic LTR that you think basic good manners are something special when they are not. Take a deep breath & carry on. Don't project too far into the future because there is no foundation yet. You have only been together 1 month. He may not pan out either but the lesson you are to learn from him is that nice guys do exist & you are entitled to be treated thoughtfully by your lovers. 4
SaraSays Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 The first 3 months-ish are limerence, when we're wearing rose-tinted glasses. Neither party is being, nor showing, themself as they truly are. Enjoy this time, but don't read too much into what it means. 4 seasons with someone is around the time we start really scratching the surface, seeing how they cope day-to-day, and getting a sense of how decent they truly are. Keep your own life busy, with hobbies, friends and studying. Stay focused on your own goals, and let this just be another aspect of an, otherwise, full life.
Gaeta Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 It sounds very good to me. Toxic relationships will affect you for a very long time. Last time I got out of a toxic relationship was 17 years ago and it still affected me in my most recent relationship. I would often start my sentences with *don't be mad* when he had never been mad at me all our years together. The fear is there, it stays with you and you work around it the best you can. Live in the moment and enjoy it. 2
Calmandfocused Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 I like the sound of this guy. Very much. Enjoy it! 4
Uruktopi Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 (edited) To early to foresee what time may bring, but seems you both already have good "intitial conditions" to make it be even better. There are some good guys out there. Enjoy. Edited April 26, 2021 by Uruktopi 2
BaileyB Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 Agree, this sounds like a perfectly normal, wonderful way to start a new relationship. My only advice would be to just try to enjoy every single step along the way... 1
Author Spicydicey449 Posted April 26, 2021 Author Posted April 26, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: It sounds very good to me. Toxic relationships will affect you for a very long time. Last time I got out of a toxic relationship was 17 years ago and it still affected me in my most recent relationship. I would often start my sentences with *don't be mad* when he had never been mad at me all our years together. The fear is there, it stays with you and you work around it the best you can. Live in the moment and enjoy it. After 17 years?? I'm sorry it really does mess you up bad. Any negative emotion feels like your problem whether or not it's your fault. You just assume everyone else is going to take it out on you too I suppose. 1
Author Spicydicey449 Posted April 26, 2021 Author Posted April 26, 2021 30 minutes ago, Uruktopi said: To early to foresee what time may bring, but seems you both already have good "intitial conditions" to make it be even better. There are some good guys out there. Enjoy. There is! I'm definitely not doubting that good guys exist. Most that I dated that didn't go anywhere I didn't consider to be bad people. It's just a whole new level to be treated special 1
Author Spicydicey449 Posted April 26, 2021 Author Posted April 26, 2021 4 hours ago, d0nnivain said: It would be fast for me but it's also pretty normal. Your problem is that you were treated so badly in that toxic LTR that you think basic good manners are something special when they are not. Take a deep breath & carry on. Don't project too far into the future because there is no foundation yet. You have only been together 1 month. He may not pan out either but the lesson you are to learn from him is that nice guys do exist & you are entitled to be treated thoughtfully by your lovers. Thank you. I know one month isn't nearly enough time to tell, but it has been eye opening to realize there is people that will treat me better than I'd ever previously experienced.
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 1 hour ago, Spicydicey449 said: it has been eye opening to realize there is people that will treat me better than I'd ever previously experienced. 1 hour ago, Spicydicey449 said: It's just a whole new level to be treated special I'm not discounting how special you feel. I think it's so lovely that you are finally getting to experience kindness but it breaks my heart that you the basics are so special. I know I'm fortunate. People usually treat me well. Years ago we went out to lunch with my MIL. Shortly after we ordered, my MIL commented that the waiter must like me because she had never been treated so well or attentively by a waiter. It broke my heart because I honestly did not think the waiter was doing anything out of the ordinary. He was simply a professional who was doing his job with aplomb, which I appreciated. Your situation is more serious but the parallels exist. Be careful of putting this guy on a pedestal but try to learn your own value. You deserve kindness. 1
Miss Peach Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 I agree with the others. This sounds like a good start but take it a day at a time. it will happen or not happen and you have no real control over it. It could be the start or something great or it could be new relationship energy (NRE). What you describe is what I would expect any guy seriously interested to be doing. Don't put him on a pedestal just because he's doing what he should be. Other men are capable of this so don't be afraid to dig deeper to test compatibility out a bit. 3
dramafreezone Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said: I'm 25, I've been seeing this guy who is 27 for a little over a month now. And I feel like it's the best I've been treated thus far. I got out of an almost 6 year, very toxic relationship where he was super possessive and jealous but also quite literally never acted like he liked me. Then I dated a string of guys in the past 2 years that haven't panned out. They all either "weren't looking for something more serious" or would be until they found the next best thing. But none of them ever really went out of their way at all to make me feel special, even though they were nice to me (none of them were bad people). BUT this guy takes me out, makes a point to see me throughout the week even though our weekday schedules aren't very aligned. I think he took me out and just hung out with me and tried to get to know me around 4 or 5 times before he even tried to kiss me? (Since we have been having sex and its great as well). He's had me come over and cooked me dinner and introduced me to some of his friends, and holds my hand publicly and stuff. He's gone plant shopping with me and let's me do his nails. It's awesome and weird. I genuinely feel like he is really into me. But I've such a bleh streak before that I'm just waiting for it to end. I also can't tell if it's too much? I don't think so. It feels genuine and it's not like he's dropping crazy money or anything. I also have bought him dinner, made dinner, brought him Starbucks before one of his classes. But this isn't "lovebombing" or manipulative sounding is it? Part of me feels ridiculous for asking, but part of me doesn't. It's just weird to not be treated to well prior to this so it feels excessive to be prioritized by someone? I feel like I'm a broken record, but go to therapy (which I'm a huge advocate of). Don't expect your insecurities to just disappear. You've sustained trauma and this great relationship is fresh enough to where those lingering insecurities could adversely affect this relationship in an irreversible way. This guy is not perfect so you need to ensure that you're equipped to handle adversity that occurs in every relationship, and not necessarily mistake it for evidence that he's just like your other boyfriend. I think going to see a therapist is a great idea if for no other reason but to get a full bill of mental health, and is a great investment in yourself. Edited April 26, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
Uruktopi Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said: ... It's just a whole new level to be treated special You are right. To be special for someone is the core of the couple´s kind of love. Love (as I see it) is mainly the choice of the one we love. So it´s (like) it´s source is more in the choosed / loved one than in the lover. And if I´m right, love is in the interaction. Which is not for every pair of woman and man but a choice within a few. It doesn´t mean than the other ones are necessarily bad people. Just not the one for us. Congratulations if you both found that one in eachother. Edited April 26, 2021 by Uruktopi
Author Spicydicey449 Posted April 27, 2021 Author Posted April 27, 2021 4 hours ago, dramafreezone said: I feel like I'm a broken record, but go to therapy (which I'm a huge advocate of). Don't expect your insecurities to just disappear. You've sustained trauma and this great relationship is fresh enough to where those lingering insecurities could adversely affect this relationship in an irreversible way. This guy is not perfect so you need to ensure that you're equipped to handle adversity that occurs in every relationship, and not necessarily mistake it for evidence that he's just like your other boyfriend. I think going to see a therapist is a great idea if for no other reason but to get a full bill of mental health, and is a great investment in yourself. Yes I very much agree! I am/have been in therapy since. Just still looking for external validation here as well hahah
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