Wiseman2 Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 58 minutes ago, Movingforwardornot said: He wants to make plans this weekend but he has something already he booked Saturday wine tasting He's not too busy to go to this, however. 1
FMW Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 You don't owe it to him, but if you want to give him another chance, do. Just talk plainly with him and be clear what you want and need in order to keep seeing him.
Author Movingforwardornot Posted April 28, 2021 Author Posted April 28, 2021 He texted that he was very excited to move the meeting and see me tomorrow night. We will see what happens. I’ll give him one more chance but I have to see some enthusiasm or I’m moving on. 3
Gaeta Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 Why do you get Friday night and not Sunday all day? He booked a Saturday night event without including you. I'd understand if he had a family dinner planned ahead but this is something HE booked and he's not volunteering with whom. Then he decides that you deserve Friday evening, like the one evening where everyone is exhausted from their week and have no energy left for anything. Does he take you out at all? 2
glows Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 Why on earth did he come over that night just to sleep on your floor? Was he coming straight from work? Why not meet you at a much better time instead of like this? Surely he knows that's unusual behaviour or off-putting with someone you're supposed to be dating. Is he newly single or still married (ie separated/getting divorced)? Does he have a home or is he in-between right now? What else do you know about him?
Author Movingforwardornot Posted April 28, 2021 Author Posted April 28, 2021 Yes he worked a full day but he says that only happens every few months. I think he may be visiting friends who own a vineyard about an hour away on Saturday. I prefer Friday over Sunday anyway. He seems quite attentive and complimentary today by not only texting but the substance.
Gaeta Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 @Movingforwardornot: Do you go out on dates or it's mostly him visiting you at your house?
glows Posted April 28, 2021 Posted April 28, 2021 7 minutes ago, Movingforwardornot said: Yes he worked a full day but he says that only happens every few months. I think he may be visiting friends who own a vineyard about an hour away on Saturday. I prefer Friday over Sunday anyway. He seems quite attentive and complimentary today by not only texting but the substance. Find out more. No reason why he should be sleeping on your floor. Both of you should be going out and enjoying what life has to offer. I think that if you're wondering so much about this person, he's either not quite available (mentally/emotionally) or he's not in the right state of mind. I'm sorry to say this. Definitely do expect more and make sure he understands this doesn't fly. I think you are right that he's too comfortable around you. This is not a bad thing overall but it shouldn't get sloppy and questionable.
Author Movingforwardornot Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 So I gave him another chance. Basically a few days after the awful date I texted and politely asked him to return at his convenience a few dishes and leave outside my garage that he went home with a few weeks ago when I made him dinner and he took leftovers home. He immediately texted back and asked if I didn’t want to see him again because he did. I replied between him falling asleep and lack of affection I felt he was not interested in me. He said that’s not the case and rearranged his Friday meeting to see me. He took me to a nice restaurant and asked me why I felt that way. I told him bluntly we are older and I put a lot of energy in a relationship and if he wasn’t going to want to do that as well we aren’t a good match. He apologized for making me feel that way and falling asleep. He seemed very engaged and when we got back in the car he gave me a pretty good kiss as he did when he dropped me off (we met at an in between point from his work). He’s kept in contact very often by text. Last night he explained he had to help his friend who owns a vineyard pour wine at an outdoor festival and then his friend was taking him to dinner as a thanks. He even mentioned the name of the place. I do believe he wants to see me again but I’m still going to meet others casually (nothing physical). Today I’m meeting a widower (I’m a widow) for a walk in the park. Got nothing to lose. 2
Gaeta Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 So, did he explain why he was acting disinterested the way he did?
Author Movingforwardornot Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 He just said he got very comfortable in my house and had worked all day and drank wine so he fell asleep. He assured me it has nothing to do with the way he feels. I wore a lower cut blouse the other night and he said I looked very sexy. At least that’s something.
elaine567 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 I think it is good that he felt so comfortable in your house and he likes cats and your cat liked him.... always a good sign.
Gaeta Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 But your problem was not that he felt asleep once on the floor, the issue was he showed no affection or romantism since beginning, no?
Author Movingforwardornot Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 Yes he can be standoffish and I told him so. He explained to me that he’s been hurt by his prior relationships and in fact after he was divorced people actually made fun of him that the relationship was a failure so that his confidence level is very low in terms of finding a good relationship. He does want to be in a relationship but it sounds like he has a low confidence level he even went into his childhood and how his family was not a cohesive unit and I just think he tends to be an insecure person. He asked me just to give him a little time to get more comfortable. I think he’s telling the truth I just don’t know if he can get to the point that I am comfortable with myself and being close to somebody and having the physical affection as well. I suppose the only way for me to tell is to spend a little more time with him.
Gaeta Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 9 minutes ago, Movingforwardornot said: in fact after he was divorced people actually made fun of him that the relationship was a failure omg ! That is beyond cruel ! After a divorce/seperation we are at our most vulnerable and to be hit like that would destroy anyone self-worth. He's lucky you're kind and patient I have a feeling he will come around soon. 1
FMW Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 It sounds like you want to give him a chance, so see how it goes and definitely keep the communication flowing. He was responsive to you letting him know he didn't seem interested, so that's a good thing, he obviously still wants to continue getting to know you. It sounds like he had a really negative experience with his divorce, it's understandable he's being cautious.
Author Movingforwardornot Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 Today I went and met a widower I met online. We talked and walked for 2 hours. He was married over 30 years before losing his wife and we had similar experiences. On the one hand it’s comforting to be with someone like that and on the other hand it is a painful reminder. He wants to see me again. Not sure he’s my type but he’s very worldly and kind.
spiderowl Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 I think you need to be wary in case the sleepy guy has another girlfriend or wife. Some cheaters are very good at giving the impression they are busy when it is not work that is keeping them occupied. Keep an open mind until you can verify anything he says in real life. People can say anything. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 On 5/2/2021 at 9:03 AM, Movingforwardornot said: drank wine so he fell asleep. he said I looked very sexy. At least that’s something. He seems like a whole lot if fun, no?
Gaeta Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 I wouldn't be able to meet other men after having 8 dates with someone. If your attention is scattered all over the place you won't win over any of them.
norealusername Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 Give the sleepy guy another chance. Sounds like he's talking about it at least. Maybe he's nervous or just not highly sexual. He better start making moves soon though. 1
Author Movingforwardornot Posted May 7, 2021 Author Posted May 7, 2021 So now I’ve had a couple more dates with the same guy and it’s the same routine. He kisses me when he sees me, we meet usually an intermediary point and then he takes me to dinner. After dinner when he says goodbye he kisses me again. While the kisses definitely have become more passionate, there still is nothing else physical including even holding my hand. We’ve recently texted back-and-forth some suggestive things about being together physically but still nothing happens. At this point I’ve had at least seven or eight dates over period of a few months and I I really don’t know what to do. I asked him last night certain questions that I thought might give me some insight and all I could find out was that his ex-wife was a drunk so that’s why that marriage dissolved. Since then he’s had several relationships but it didn’t sound like anything really intense however he mentioned that during each of these relationships they did stay over this house after a date but that’s as far as it got. I shared with him some of my last two relationships one of which involves some physical abuse and the other which involves an emotional abuse. In any event I really don’t know what to do whether to move forward with this guy. I did find someone online who is a widower we spoke and we met for a walk last week and while I’m not especially attracted to him at this point, he is very very nice and has experienced the same type of thing that happened to me with my late husband. He’s a little older than I would like and I’m not sure if that’s a nonstarter for me. In either event, I’m almost feeling like I need to see him at least another time and not be so available to the other boyfriend just to see how this plays out. So does anyone have any thoughts?
Gaeta Posted May 7, 2021 Posted May 7, 2021 (edited) I am usually an impatiente dater. I would not do well with a man I see for dinner, half way, once a week. This current man sounds emotionally unavailable to me. That sounds like a lot of secrety and disinterest on his part. You are 63 right? I am 55. At our age, with the experience and wisdom we have accumulated, we know if something feels good or not. You've had 8 dates now, you are pretty frustrated at this mediocre connection he's offering. I would set him free. Romance isn't over because we're older, it feels over because he's the wrong man. Concerning the widower, you have nothing to lose to meet him a second time. Edited May 7, 2021 by Gaeta
norealusername Posted May 7, 2021 Posted May 7, 2021 Sorry to hear this. I think you gave the guy enough chances and you tried to talk about it, so not much else you can do. Up to you if you want to keep trying. He's got to have some sort of sexual dysfunction. At his age he shouldn't be that nervous about sex. Definitely keep looking around.
DatingMom Posted May 7, 2021 Posted May 7, 2021 I was dating this guy for 3 months in the fall, and your story reminds me of that. It took a really long time for anything to get off its feet. Not quite as long as your story, but I usually expect at least a kiss by the second date. So this guy it took him 5 dates to even go for a kiss. I liked him quite a bit, and the great thing about him was that he was organized like myself, and at the beginning of each week he would text me his schedule and tell me he wants to see me as much as I'm comfortable with. It was easy because he was showing strong interest, and there wasn't much doubt he wanted to date me. But the sex... how can I explain. First of all, sex wasn't great. He was the kind of person who was like: ok, are we doing this now? Fine, let's do it. And bang-bang, and he was done and that was that. Very mechanical. No foreplay. No romance. No emotion. Then, after about 6 weeks, he wasn't even interested in sex anymore. I remember him coming over, and I had got a book on how to spice things up sexually to look at together so we could work on improving things in the bedroom. But then we didn't even have sex. He slept over, and no sex in the morning either. Finally I brought it up over breakfast, and he confessed that he just didn't really have a very high libido. That in fact, he was a bit overwhelmed by me wanting sex every time we see each other. He would rather just hug and watch a movie. I said to him: we just met! I'm expecting hot and steamy sex for at least 6 months before things slow down! I finally broke it up as we were not on the same page. Anyway, my point being that I think especially as we are getting older, and our libidos slow down (I feel this is more a fact for me than women actually), I feel that it's even more important that we are able to talk about these things, and express our wants and needs. He might have ED, and that could be what is holding him back. But ED can be treated, and sometimes goes away too. I was dating a guy for a year and a half who had ED. We talked about it, and I suggested he try Cialis which he did. It worked really great, and after a while, as he was getting more comfortable with me, he didn't need it anymore. But those things need to be talked about. I would just ask him straight out: are you not physically attracted to me? Don't you feel any desire for me when we are together? And listen to what he says, be open to his answer. 2
Recommended Posts