Ellebee91 Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 Hi all, I am fairly new to the dating scene and find it very difficult to click with someone emotionally and physically! I met someone around a month ago on a dating app and messaged every day, video chatted alot and I have met him once. On messaging he deletes certain texts he has sent so I cant see what he said and in person he was starting a conversation then stopping and saying it doesnt matter. I put this down to nerves. Sometimes when we message he will say really lovely things and be quite full on at the same time, complimentary and showing interest in a future with me, on the other hand he says hurtful things, for example; ' I dont actually really fancy you, I have to force myself to like you' and ' we dont have a connection please delete my number dont talk to me I dont want to message you ' So my reaction to the negative messages is just questioning why he has been messaging me for so long if he feels that way and why does he sometimes say lovely things to me if he doesnt like me? He then says that he is joking and didnt mean it and that he just likes to mess with my mind. I've told him several times it's not funny and how am I too know when hes being serious? We fell out big time the other day, he said he was messaging other girls after telling me I'm the only one hes messaging and that he would be upset if he found out i was doing that. I then pulled him on this and he said he was lying and that he is messaging other girls, so I said he had led me on and then he deleted me off whatsapp and facebook. I got a little drunk with my friend a day later and messaged him on messenger saying I was sorry etc. And that I flew off the handle and I didnt want to end things. He agreed that we should take it slow but still continue to talk. Two days later we were messaging, I was out shopping and he was at his friends house having a drink. I got back home from shopping and he 'jokingly' accused me of meeting another boy. I then sent him a video of me talking explaining I was shopping with my cousin etc. He messaged back being nice and then he tried to video chat me. I didnt answer because I knew he would be drunk and then left it at that and I let him get on with his night. He messaged me at 6.30am saying 'oi' I replied hey you ok around an hour later...he then said ' I dont want to meet ya x ' I said why what's made you change your mind? He said ' you x ' I said why though tell me why you dont want to meet me? He said ' stop messaging me I dont want to talk to you, I dont want to block you its immature so just dont write to me ' I then sent a message asking if he could explain and that I deserve an explanation at least I said it's fine if he has met someone but that I really like him and I am feeling really upset now. He ignored my message he has blocked me on facebook but kept me on WhatsApp and has not opened my most recent message. I am left confused and hurt and blaming myself for pushing him to the limit, I cant work out if he maybe has a girlfriend he has been hiding from me or maybe he is scared of falling for me so is pushing me away. I dont want to message him again and hound him but I just really feel abit lost at the moment and dont know what I've done to deserve this treatment from someone I've been messaging for a month. If anyone has any advice that would be fantastic.
Fletch Lives Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 It sounds like he has either a mental illness or is playing games. At the least, he needs to get better jokes. Teasing like that is mean. There is just no reason to take this from someone you barely know. You need to find someone sane who will treat you right. 3 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 51 minutes ago, Ellebee91 said: Sometimes when we message he will say really lovely things and be quite full on at the same time, complimentary and showing interest in a future with me, on the other hand he says hurtful things, for example; ' I dont actually really fancy you, I have to force myself to like you' and ' we dont have a connection please delete my number dont talk to me I dont want to message you ' I would have ended all communication with him right there. He's a jerk, OP. Don't try to win approval from people like this. He's being abusive with him and you have only met him once. What does that tell you about his character? Run from guys like him. 4 1
introverted1 Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 Have you ever actually met this guy in person? Are you very young (i.e., high school)? Messaging every day is no substitute for meeting someone and actually getting to know them. It's far too soon to be talking about exclusivity or having arguments because he is messaging other girls when you haven't even met! Regardless, he sounds pretty terrible and I am wondering what is up with your self-esteem that you allow someone to speak to you as he does. 1
BaileyB Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Ellebee91 said: If anyone has any advice that would be fantastic. Nothing that you could ever say or do should cause a man to speak to you this way. The fact that he thinks this is acceptable behavior, and you then say that you blame yourself for pushing him to his limit, is a big problem. He needs to learn how to treat other people with more respect. You need to enforce some better boundaries in relationships, which in this case means learning to walk away when someone speaks to you in this way. That’s my advice. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but this is very concerning. This is the beginning of a very unhealthy, perhaps abusive, relationship. I hope you block him and learn from this experience. Take care. ETA, healthy relationships don’t just happen magically. If one has a damaged, broken heart - they have no business being in a relationship until they heal whatever it is that they need to heal. Healthy relationships happen when two independent and healthy people come together to form a relationship. Don’t get into the business of trying to “heal” or even “excuse” poor behavior because someone has had previous trauma and/or a broken heart. That’s a sure way to get yourself into some very toxic relationships. Edited April 25, 2021 by BaileyB 2 1
Calmandfocused Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 Never, ever try and seek validation and approval from men like him. You really like him? A man who thinks it’s ok to verbally abuse you after one date? Really? Metaphorically, you are willingly standing at the open door of a lions cage - a cage that contains a very large and dangerous wild animal. Do yourself a favour and stop pining over a complete jerk. I’m actually concerned how vulnerable you are to these men. Clearly you have no issue in offering yourself to this type of behaviour. My advice: get help for you so you learn what’s acceptable and what’s not. At the moment you’re ripe for the picking. Meanwhile stay away from the lion’s den. 2 1
Stupidkupid Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I would have ended all communication with him right there. He's a jerk, OP. Don't try to win approval from people like this. He's being abusive with him and you have only met him once. What does that tell you about his character? Run from guys like him. This. This guy is gross. He would never have got another word out of me after that. 1 1
Stupidkupid Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 Just block him. Replying to him is feeding hus ego. Reading your post about him nade me go cold. Don't ever let anyone treat you this way and if they do try to, cut them off. Never ask why. It doesn't matter why. Its on them. Cut him off. 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 3 hours ago, Ellebee91 said: he says hurtful things, for example; ' I dont actually really fancy you, I have to force myself to like you' and ' we dont have a connection please delete my number dont talk to me I dont want to message you ' This was your cue to leave at it places him squarely in the 'jerk' bucket. Yes, delete and block him from all your messaging apps and social media. Invest your time and energy on some dating apps talking to and meeting men. At least you know what types of red flags there are for jerks. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 Dump this guy yesterday. Cut off communication. This guy is just bad for you. As soon as he criticized your looks, that was the time to run, tell him to go and stop talking. Never continue with someone who says negative things about you. NEVER! Especially in the first six months. 2
ShyViolet Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 10 hours ago, Ellebee91 said: on the other hand he says hurtful things, for example; ' I dont actually really fancy you, I have to force myself to like you' and ' we dont have a connection please delete my number dont talk to me I dont want to message you ' So my reaction to the negative messages is just questioning why he has been messaging me for so long if he feels that way and why does he sometimes say lovely things to me if he doesnt like me? He then says that he is joking and didnt mean it and that he just likes to mess with my mind. I've told him several times it's not funny and how am I too know when hes being serious? Is this serious? You should have stopped talking to him as soon as he first said these things. That would have been the responsible and smart thing to do. You don't keep talking to a person who acts like this. You need some self-respect and boundaries. 2
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