spiderowl Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 (edited) I am sorry to hear what happened. I really don't know why guys do this. I'm not even sure you could say that this guy just wasn't into you. Some guys seem to have a change of attitude towards women after sex. I suspect they have a madonna/whore complex of some kind and lose respect for the woman even though she is only doing what they are doing! Write this guy off. I would not text him or make any further contact at all, or reply to him if he contacts you - do not give him the satisfaction of thinking you care about him after the way he has treated you. Your lack of attention towards him will teach him that you deserve more respect than he has given you so far. He should have been in touch and should not have gone off the next day in the dismissive way he did. Basically, he's just not a nice guy. All you can do is to live and learn from this. I know that one thing we learn is not to trust guys. It is sad but this is the kind of behaviour that causes one to lose trust. Take things even slower next time with a different guy and get to know him well as a person before anything else. I think it's great you couldn't video chat with him and are being unavailable. He needs to learn a lesson. I also agree that something is not right here. I suspect he's lying about a lot of things. Do not trust anything until you have seen it with your own eyes. Where does he live now, with his ex? You are worth a heck of a lot more than this guy. Edited April 25, 2021 by spiderowl 3
Ami1uwant Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 2 hours ago, Wildflower_xo said: So, update. He had said that we would meet today but made no set plans so I went out for coffee with a friend, wasn't going to wait around all day. He eventually messaged at about 6.30pm and said he was still on his work trip (he's in the military) and won't come back until next Friday and that he hopes I am still around when he's back. He sent me a photo of him in his uniform and tried video calling me but I was out. So maybe he is genuine? I get being busy at work, but the lack of communication is just rude in my opinion. If someone thinks you have plans that day, it's not hard to send a simple text sometime before the last minute. He recently broke up with someone and has a kid with her that is about 2 years old. Apparently he hasn't dated or had sex in the last 6 months so apparently, he's not seeing others (but we haven't had the exclusivity talk) Idk. At the risk of sounding overly suspicious it's weird to me to say you're away for a week, and then mention meeting, and then "oops Im still away for another week". Then again I have no idea about the military and it's perhaps my own insecurities. Who knows.. I'm just going to resume talking to others and not put too much on this. I just get a weird vibe. I am sorry this happened to you if this is what it ends up being. did he mention about this military trip before you had sex? He could have gotten orders needing to report earlier than planned which is what woke him up this attitude. see what happens after this and insist on going to his place. He says no he has secret. 1
Acacia98 Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 (edited) 21 hours ago, Wildflower_xo said: The sex wasn't bad, it was great and we did it multiple times through the night. When he woke up to leave, I sensed something had changed. He didn't wake me. Instead, I heard him trying to let himself out of the apartment but the chain on the door stopped him (!) I got up to say goodbye and he was dismissive and offish. (...) I think because I cannot seperate emotions from sex and don't have casual sex, being ghosted after finally having sex with him is affecting me and my self esteem quite badly. Can I give you a bit of advice? I think you've wasted enough of your time on this guy already. Continuing to communicate with him to see what happens (as you suggest in one of your more recent posts) just means you will still be investing time and energy in him and thinking about him. He has already behaved in a number of ways that should make anyone with a decent amount of self-esteem close the door. In fact, on the morning after, when he tried sneaking out, got stuck, and was dismissive when you came to let him out, you should have let him go and then blocked him. There's no need to extend the drama, especially because the drama entails you being treated like you are unworthy and being lied to in subtle and not so subtle ways. Being exposed to this kind of behavior hurts you and chips away at your self-esteem, no matter how tough you might believe you are. Shut the door now and walk away. You dont have to tell him he's a jerk or lecture him about being disrespectful. He already knows he's a jerk. People who behave this way know that what they're doing is wrong. What they're not sure about is how much of the crap the most recent person will tolerate. So far, you've shown him that you're still receptive to his efforts to communicate after all he's done. So he feels somewhat encouraged to continue. The only thing you need to show him is that you value yourself and your time, and you can do that pretty effectively by blocking him. Edited April 26, 2021 by Acacia98 4 3
Caauug Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 For eons, every boy has had this drummed into his head by every woman in his life. Women control sex and men control commitment. It may not have been spelled out that plainly but it all boils down the same. In history, this has worked as a balance and it was encouraged to girls/women, not to give up one until you got the other. Ying and Yang? This was also often physically backed by family persuasion, and often not very friendly... This leads me to this: 15 hours ago, MsJayne said: A couple of hundred years ago, if a guy did this to a naive woman, her father or brothers would go find the guy and shoot him. It's a shame it's not still like that, there'd be less predatory creeps around. The thing is, mid way into last century there was the "Woman's Liberation Movement" that changed all that and is still changing things to this day.... Now it is every woman's right to do, what ever she wants, with who ever she wants, when ever she wants. This has also made "Slut Shaming" taboo. I personally have no problem with any of this.... But how can you give up one and then expect the other? With the release of sex being more freely given, this has not had the same effect on commitment. Some people think it should. But "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?" Society has changed and will keep changing, the days of the "White Wedding" is gone. Women's Liberation has gone full circle (again) and coming back for another swipe. You can't have your cake and eat it too.... Times have changed... Note: This comment was not meant to be an attack on anyone or any gender. These are only my views, twisted as they are. 2 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 On 4/25/2021 at 8:02 AM, Wildflower_xo said: We were out a handful of times before we finally slept together This is not long enough to get to know a person and their true intentions. Proceeding with physical intimacy so early indicates you're up for something casual, even if you're looking for a serious relationship. On 4/25/2021 at 8:02 AM, Wildflower_xo said: When he woke up to leave, I sensed something had changed. He didn't wake me. Instead, I heard him trying to let himself out of the apartment but the chain on the door stopped him (!) I got up to say goodbye and he was dismissive and offish. Even after this, you kept messaging him. Why? On 4/25/2021 at 8:02 AM, Wildflower_xo said: said he wanted a relationship Did he say he wanted a relationship, or a specific relationship with YOU? On 4/25/2021 at 8:02 AM, Wildflower_xo said: that he had been busy, and would I like to meet him today. I responded to agree Agreeing to meet someone who hasn't been treating you well, the same day at that, is a dignity destroyer. On 4/25/2021 at 8:02 AM, Wildflower_xo said: I don't want to chase after this guy. I just find his behaviour since we had sex rude. Quit chasing him. At this point, he's already shown that at best, he's not interested in you and at worst, he has shady character. He will not make a good partner for you. Probably not for any woman. You were not ghosted. Ghosting is disappearing out of the blue after a relationship has started, when things were seemingly going well. You are worth so much more than this. I understand you're hurting, but the best way to move on is to take the focus off of him and what he did, and look at the lessons you've learned from this. Ask yourself what you plan to do differently in the future. 1
Lisa_Lisa Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 I'm sorry this happened to you, and let me reassure you, you did nothing wrong. You communicated with him, got to know him, and went with your feelings. I do feel like he is hiding something so please listen to your intuition. My advice is (if you do respond) to text him back dryly when he reaches out. If he asks you out, say you're busy. Mind you, I don't suggest going out with him or sleeping with him again because he doesn't deserve you, but one word answers suffice (only if you want to respond). The only sign that I can see from your posts is his fervor for future faking. He seems like he wanted to have sex as soon as possible to complete his conquest, and I do believe he's either still married, is living with his ex or has a girlfriend of some sort.
dramafreezone Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 22 hours ago, Wildflower_xo said: So, update. He had said that we would meet today but made no set plans so I went out for coffee with a friend, wasn't going to wait around all day. He eventually messaged at about 6.30pm and said he was still on his work trip (he's in the military) and won't come back until next Friday and that he hopes I am still around when he's back. He sent me a photo of him in his uniform and tried video calling me but I was out. So maybe he is genuine? I get being busy at work, but the lack of communication is just rude in my opinion. If someone thinks you have plans that day, it's not hard to send a simple text sometime before the last minute. He recently broke up with someone and has a kid with her that is about 2 years old. Apparently he hasn't dated or had sex in the last 6 months so apparently, he's not seeing others (but we haven't had the exclusivity talk) Idk. At the risk of sounding overly suspicious it's weird to me to say you're away for a week, and then mention meeting, and then "oops Im still away for another week". Then again I have no idea about the military and it's perhaps my own insecurities. Who knows.. I'm just going to resume talking to others and not put too much on this. I just get a weird vibe. I am former military so probably biased in that sense. It can be incredibly mentally draining work, so I would cut him a bit of slack and see how things go over the next week. You said he recently broke up with someone, has a young child. You're not going to be the sole focus of his life. And now you're letting your imagination run away with you. If a relationship is your dealbreaker at this point make it known. I don't think he's going to try to "lock you down" given all of the other focuses in his life and I wouldn't make any decisons until you have a frank conversation with him.
mortensorchid Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 I'm sorry this happened to you. If it makes you feel any better (which it won't), you are not alone in this. Others have hurt me in similar ways, show me one person who hasn't been hurt like this. But I digress ... Don't read much into it. It's not your fault, it's him. Better this happened now rather than later. Move on. 1
dramafreezone Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 (edited) 21 hours ago, spiderowl said: I am sorry to hear what happened. I really don't know why guys do this. I'm not even sure you could say that this guy just wasn't into you. Some guys seem to have a change of attitude towards women after sex. I suspect they have a madonna/whore complex of some kind and lose respect for the woman even though she is only doing what they are doing! Write this guy off. I would not text him or make any further contact at all, or reply to him if he contacts you - do not give him the satisfaction of thinking you care about him after the way he has treated you. Your lack of attention towards him will teach him that you deserve more respect than he has given you so far. He should have been in touch and should not have gone off the next day in the dismissive way he did. Basically, he's just not a nice guy. All you can do is to live and learn from this. I know that one thing we learn is not to trust guys. It is sad but this is the kind of behaviour that causes one to lose trust. Take things even slower next time with a different guy and get to know him well as a person before anything else. I think it's great you couldn't video chat with him and are being unavailable. He needs to learn a lesson. I also agree that something is not right here. I suspect he's lying about a lot of things. Do not trust anything until you have seen it with your own eyes. Where does he live now, with his ex? You are worth a heck of a lot more than this guy. Actually, this has a name, it's called the refractory period. This is a period where it's physiologically impossible for a man to ejaculate. The desire for sex also diminshes greatly. It can last from days to weeks. Any guy can tell you it's a very real thing. Quote Write this guy off. I would not text him or make any further contact at all, or reply to him if he contacts you - do not give him the satisfaction of thinking you care about him after the way he has treated you. Your lack of attention towards him will teach him that you deserve more respect than he has given you so far. He should have been in touch and should not have gone off the next day in the dismissive way he did. Basically, he's just not a nice guy. I think this is acting rashly and out of anger, and doesn't serve the OP any good other than revenge for some perceived wrong done to her. You're jumping to a number of conclusions. Perhaps his lack of communication was due to actual circumstances in his life that have nothing to do with her. She's not entitled to details of his personal life just because she's had sex with him. Quote I think it's great you couldn't video chat with him and are being unavailable. He needs to learn a lesson. I also agree that something is not right here. I suspect he's lying about a lot of things. Do not trust anything until you have seen it with your own eyes. Where does he live now, with his ex? You are worth a heck of a lot more than this guy. I don't think any of this is constructive. Who are you hurting by not trusting men? It only prevents you from ever making a real connection with a great man. Any traumas from past relationships would be best addressed by a therapist. It's not right to take your traumas out on the future guys. You want dating to be risk free and it's not, it's always a risk. Edited April 26, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Datergirl Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 If I caught a guy trying to sneak out of my place after sex, I'd boot him out the door myself! Dam cheek 1
smackie9 Posted April 26, 2021 Posted April 26, 2021 (edited) You did the right thing by going out with your friend and carrying on with your life. If he contacts you for another date, fine that will be up to you to decide then. In the meantime, date other men. Edited April 26, 2021 by smackie9 1
sushiandtacos Posted April 27, 2021 Posted April 27, 2021 I agree with the others, gut feelings are usually there for a reason. Invest your energy into yourself and be open to meeting other guys until this one steps up to the plate, which I don't think will be the case unfortunately. 1
Saracena Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 On 4/27/2021 at 1:36 AM, sushiandtacos said: this one steps up to the plate, which I don't think will be the case unfortunately. Agree. I don't actually think you will hear from him again! Good, for you, all things considered. At any rate given how he behaved so far, even if he did I'd just ignore him! Suspect his change of heart has to do with someone else, more than likely he's still very enmeshed in his former life relationship. Even if this isn't the case, he doesn't at all sound all that keen, sorry. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 On 4/26/2021 at 5:00 PM, Datergirl said: If I caught a guy trying to sneak out of my place after sex, I'd boot him out the door myself! Agree. That behavior in itself proves you dodged a bullet.
Phallacy Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 I’ve spent upwards of $600 over a weekend to get sex with no intention of anything serious if the girl isn’t a homeowner. I’m not saying this describes you but I will only commit to homeowners not receiving alimony or widowers.
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