Wildflower_xo Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 I had been speaking to a guy for the last six months and recently we started dating. We were out a handful of times before we finally slept together and until that point, he was apparently super into it, said he wanted a relationship, discussing all these things we would do together, etc. We were together all day and had a great date prior to having sex. He stayed over at my place and we cooked together. The sex wasn't bad, it was great and we did it multiple times through the night. When he woke up to leave, I sensed something had changed. He didn't wake me. Instead, I heard him trying to let himself out of the apartment but the chain on the door stopped him (!) I got up to say goodbye and he was dismissive and offish. I dismissed it and he texted me later that day to say he had a nice time. The next day, I sent him a message and he said he had to go away for a week for work. Then, poof! He disappeared for a week. I understand being busy and away on business but he usually texts every day and is very proactive about making plans. I decided not to read too much into it if he was away for work. I let him be, and he got back on Friday, nothing. Yesterday I thought I'd send a message asking how his trip went and he apologised for not being in contact and that he had been busy, and would I like to meet him today. I responded to agree and he has seen it and not responded. It's already 4 pm here so I doubt we are meeting today. I don't want to chase after this guy. I just find his behaviour since we had sex rude. He hasn't been contacting me or now, responding, and in the meantime I can see him watching all my Instagram stories. I kind of want to send him a final message saying I find him rude but I don't know if that will just make me look neurotic. Should I just block and move on? I've just felt shitty all week because I noticed the immediate mood change after sex and all week I've had a feeling that he would do a slow fade and I'm right... Feel really stupid because he seemed a bit full on but I thought he was really into me, now realising I just got played. I think because I cannot seperate emotions from sex and don't have casual sex, being ghosted after finally having sex with him is affecting me and my self esteem quite badly. 1
Cora Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 I am so sorry this happened to you. I know how horrible this can feel as it’s happened to me before. I was seeing this guy since December and the first part of March we decide to sleep with each other. It was amazing and wonderful, but he ghosted me right after. I’ve also stupidly slept with guys on the first meeting and was ghosted. I’ve gone on several dates with guys whom I’ve never slept with and have been ghosted. I was in a 5 month relationship with a guy whom I slept with regularly and was ghosted out of the blue. I just recently met a new guy. Had a great first date and planned a second, but I now believe I’m being ghosted again. It’s never a good feeling, it it does hurt the most when you feel like you’ve built something with that person, got to a point where you feel like you can trust them only for them to ghost you after being intimate. To me that is the ultimate slap in the face. Don’t let this get you down though. This guy isn’t worth your time if he could do that to you. He isn’t someone you want in your life. You are better than that and deserve better. I know it hurts now and nothing I can say will make you feel better. Just know that you’re not alone and it does get better in time. (((Hugs))) 4
BaileyB Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 That’s brutal. I’m so sorry this happened. Be kind to yourself. It will feel better with some time. 1
Gaeta Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 (edited) Wildflower: This is something that happens very often when you have sex on a first date, no matter how long you've been chatting prior to meeting. [] Now, your only option is to leave him alone and wait for him to get back into chase mode. [] Don't chase him. Edited April 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fact check 2
Author Wildflower_xo Posted April 25, 2021 Author Posted April 25, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Gaeta said: Wildflower: This is something that happens very often when you have sex on a first date, no matter how long you've been chatting prior to meeting. [] Now, your only option is to leave him alone and wait for him to get back into chase mode. [] Don't chase him. Thanks Gaeta but as I mentioned it was not the first date. We were chatting for 6 months and then went on 6 dates over a matter of weeks. Eventually he came over to cook and stayed the night. Edited April 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Quoted post 1
chillii Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 Well it's only an hr later then now right , might still hear from him. But if not it's like l usually say , whenever someone does a post that has sex sex sex all through it , ya usually know where it's gonna end sorry and l don't think it's looking good unfortunately tbh.
Gaeta Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 @Wildflower_xo: I apologize for misreading. Don't jump to conclusion. He asked to meet you later and you said yes. You don't know why he's delaying to work out the details, give him the benefit of the doubt. It's only 4-5 pm.
Alpacalia Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 I can see how it would make it more difficult for you to be vulnerable again because things seemed to be heading in the right direction only for it to seemingly come to an abrupt end. He may or may not reach out again. For the time being, it's probably best to shift your attention away from him and back to you. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 Something seems to have changed for him, unfortunately. Do you know if he's been dating anyone else?
Calmandfocused Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 This is a terrible crappy thing to happen. I understand completely how awful you must feel. But!.... You need to understand one thing to help yourself: This is about him! It is not about you so don’t think for a moment that it is. There was something regarding that level of intimacy that made him flee. I don’t know what that was. No one does. But the point is that it’s his issue, not yours. With that in mind do not let this experience make you feel sh** about yourself. It certainly wouldn’t surprise me if the guy gets over this “wobble” and tries again. However please do not accept breadcrumbs and/ or pander to his every whim. You need to make it clear that if he pulls this sort of behaviour again, it will be you that will be firmly out the door, not him! 1
Gaeta Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 After 6 dates did you talk about exclusivity? Is profile still up? Is he still active?
lana-banana Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 You did absolutely nothing wrong here and should not (could not!) have done anything differently. Anyone who tries to sneak out of someone's home is capable of deception and thoughtlessness at a level way beyond regular imagining. You could have been with this guy for months, even years before you figured it out. Be glad you aren't wasting any more time on this creep --- I have a feeling his exes would have some awful stories to tell. 3
Wiseman2 Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 Sorry this happened. Have you ever been to his place? Is he on/off with someone, recently broken up or living with anyone? You did nothing wrong. It seems he's not being clear or honest about things. 1
Author Wildflower_xo Posted April 25, 2021 Author Posted April 25, 2021 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. Have you ever been to his place? Is he on/off with someone, recently broken up or living with anyone? You did nothing wrong. It seems he's not being clear or honest about things. Thanks Wiseman. I haven't been to his place yet. He is recently (a year ago) divorced and has a kid with his ex. He is a little older than me (he's 35, I'm 28). I had actually been wondering from the beginning if he was being completely honest about the situation with his ex. 1
Author Wildflower_xo Posted April 25, 2021 Author Posted April 25, 2021 So, update. He had said that we would meet today but made no set plans so I went out for coffee with a friend, wasn't going to wait around all day. He eventually messaged at about 6.30pm and said he was still on his work trip (he's in the military) and won't come back until next Friday and that he hopes I am still around when he's back. He sent me a photo of him in his uniform and tried video calling me but I was out. So maybe he is genuine? I get being busy at work, but the lack of communication is just rude in my opinion. If someone thinks you have plans that day, it's not hard to send a simple text sometime before the last minute. He recently broke up with someone and has a kid with her that is about 2 years old. Apparently he hasn't dated or had sex in the last 6 months so apparently, he's not seeing others (but we haven't had the exclusivity talk) Idk. At the risk of sounding overly suspicious it's weird to me to say you're away for a week, and then mention meeting, and then "oops Im still away for another week". Then again I have no idea about the military and it's perhaps my own insecurities. Who knows.. I'm just going to resume talking to others and not put too much on this. I just get a weird vibe. 1
Author Wildflower_xo Posted April 25, 2021 Author Posted April 25, 2021 7 hours ago, Cora said: I am so sorry this happened to you. I know how horrible this can feel as it’s happened to me before. I was seeing this guy since December and the first part of March we decide to sleep with each other. It was amazing and wonderful, but he ghosted me right after. I’ve also stupidly slept with guys on the first meeting and was ghosted. I’ve gone on several dates with guys whom I’ve never slept with and have been ghosted. I was in a 5 month relationship with a guy whom I slept with regularly and was ghosted out of the blue. I just recently met a new guy. Had a great first date and planned a second, but I now believe I’m being ghosted again. It’s never a good feeling, it it does hurt the most when you feel like you’ve built something with that person, got to a point where you feel like you can trust them only for them to ghost you after being intimate. To me that is the ultimate slap in the face. Don’t let this get you down though. This guy isn’t worth your time if he could do that to you. He isn’t someone you want in your life. You are better than that and deserve better. I know it hurts now and nothing I can say will make you feel better. Just know that you’re not alone and it does get better in time. (((Hugs))) Thank you Cora, I am really sorry to hear about your experience too. It has happened to me a couple of times in the past also. Once last year when I slept with someone early on. I really don't understand what is so difficult for these people to be open and honest. Even an abrupt "sorry I'm not feeling it" would be better than randomly disappearing, then telling me he's away on business, and then disappearing again. We both deserve much better! I think I let these types of things affect my self confidence too much rather than just realising that the guy is a jerk.
Wiseman2 Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 4 minutes ago, Wildflower_xo said: it's weird to me to say you're away for a week, and then mention meeting, and then "oops Im still away for another week". Trust your instincts. Something is not adding up. It could be military service, yes, but mention you would like to meet at his place, simply to see what the reaction to that is. 3
Pumpernickel Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 @Wildflower_xo Did he not remember that he himself suggested to meet up today? 3
lana-banana Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 It is weird to disappear like that, it's weird to send a picture of yourself in uniform (like you're offering evidence of what someone would believe is a lie?), and it is unacceptable to try to sneak out of someone's house after sex. You can certainly do better than someone who doesn't make you feel like their top priority, and you definitely don't want or need this type of drama. 3
MsJayne Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 5 hours ago, Wildflower_xo said: Thanks Gaeta but as I mentioned it was not the first date. We were chatting for 6 months and then went on 6 dates over a matter of weeks. Eventually he came over to cook and stayed the night. First date or 6th date, that night he offered to come over and cook.....he was just simulating coupledom, acting all cosy so that you'll think he's super into you and you'll behave accordingly. It's manipulative behaviour and very common, and has been going on since time began. A couple of hundred years ago, if a guy did this to a naive woman, her father or brothers would go find the guy and shoot him. It's a shame it's not still like that, there'd be less predatory creeps around. You have every right to be really angry, he literally ignored you for a week - this is deliberate behaviour, nothing at all to do with being busy. You're correct that if you let him know you're angry you'll be dismissed as a neurotic, which is further evidence that he's a creep, (it's a form of gas-lighting, which is one of the favourite tools of the narcissistic personality). If you can, get this POS to take you out on another date, order up big, (go somewhere that serves lobster and has an overpriced cocktail menu), eat up all your expensive dinner and be nice and flirty while you do it, then get up and go to the bathroom, and sneak out. Then send him the middle-finger emoji, then block him everywhere. 1
Author Wildflower_xo Posted April 25, 2021 Author Posted April 25, 2021 4 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said: @Wildflower_xo Did he not remember that he himself suggested to meet up today? I know, and the suggestion was made only yesterday as well. I don't know whether he just thought it wasn't a big deal telling me right at the last minute he was still at work but it's odd/rude. 1
MsJayne Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 12 minutes ago, Wildflower_xo said: "oops Im still away for another week" This translates as, "Oops, I just met someone else on Tinder and I'd rather do someone new than come back for a second crack at you." 1
Gaeta Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 He's lying. The army doesn't change its mind last minute about how long the guys will be off base. The military is an organisation that runs like a swiss watch, nothing is left last minute. One troup comes back the next one is out.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 Something doesn't add up about his sudden turn-around, OP.
Author Wildflower_xo Posted April 25, 2021 Author Posted April 25, 2021 7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Something doesn't add up about his sudden turn-around, OP. I think that also. I have decided to just see what he comes up with but move on and date others. More than likely I'll block him in a week but curious to see what he says. Part of me thinks that he is actually still involved somehow with his ex, or she is not his ex at all and he's cheating, I'm really not sure. 1
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