Girlfriend has issues with trust and low self-esteem

[MrAnon]

I meet a girl 6 months ago, we clicked like crazy and she got my interest completely after that, everything seemed so amazing and great like ive never felt before, then after some dates and getting to know each other and stuff, she told me she can't continue with this and was all panic mode, then after digging further she told me she has had physical abuse in her previous relationships and other bad stuff, basically horrible relationships, and her father abused her mother aswell, and that she has a very hard time trusting men and usually when she starts to like someone too much she gets scared and just says goodbye, and that this always happens, everytime someone good appears she gets scared that the same thing will happen to her like it always does and she pushes them away.

So I managed to somehow ease her a bit and convince her after alot of struggling to keep going and after that it was great again for some months, I asked her to be my girlfriend she meet my family etc etc... was great.. now she suddenly pulled back again, and again kind of the same issue, that shes too afraid and scared of getting hurt and she also says im such an incredible guy and shes such a mess with this issue she has so she feels worthless and that I deserve someone much better than the mess she is, so its probably better for me to just leave her and forget about her, its best for me.

And I told her if she doesn't have feelings for me or someone she could just say it and we can end it and maybe be friends and thats that, but she claims its not the case, if it would be she would tell me but she loves me and I mean everything to her and im the best thing that happened to her, and she can't see being friends with me, but that she just thinks that I deserve someone way better because she can't offer much because she is a mess of a human being. She also told me many times throughout the months we were together that she doesn't have a high opinion of herself nor physically nor in other senses, and always belittles herself and doesn't feel good enough.

So basically she has had bad relationships and bad things in family and has a very hard time trusting people and is afraid of being hurt, and she also has a very low opinion of herself.

I love her to death thats the problem... I need some advice, I know I can't fix her but psychologically in what way can i best deal with this and what things should I say or do or whatever that would be the best way for this type of person?

 

Edited April 24, 2021 by MrAnon

[d0nnivain]

You can't. She doesn't want you to.  If you attempt to force your caring on her, you are no better than the people who abused her because you take away her free will.  

Walk away. She's in no shape to be a good partner.  She has a lot of work to do on herself before she gets there.  By the time she's done she will no longer be the same person who liked you & who you liked.  She will have changed & evolved away from you. 

This is a no win situation for you.  All you can do is cut your losses.  

[Stupidkupid]

I'm sorry about this. For you and for her.

But you can't fix this and you shouldn't try. Pressuring her into maintaining a relationship she is uncomfortable with (wherever that discomfort comes from) is not good 

[Gaeta]

When someone tells you you deserve better, beleive them. 

In my opinion she is just not feeling it deep enough for you and she concluded it's because of her abusive past. 

There is nothing you can do. You should never have to convince someone to remain in a relationship with you. 

Accept it's over and move on. 

[BaileyB]

I hope she has a counsellor, if she doesn’t you should most certainly suggest that she get help for herself. This has to be a painful way to live. 

While it must be tempting to be her “white knight,” even if you are nothing more than a nice man offering a healthy relationship... she has problems that you can not fix. 

I would suggest that you let her go. If, someday, she gets some counselling and she is in a better place and she wanted to look you up... maybe. But, these kinds of issues tend to be deeply ingrained - her life work may be to heal her past and learn to feel better about herself. I wouldn’t wait for her. I’m sorry. 

[MrAnon]

Yeah but the problem is that im very in love with her, its painful to let her go, because other than these issues shes the ideal girl.

But you guys are saying she is basically incapable of having a relationship?

Edited April 24, 2021 by MrAnon

[Gaeta]

All breakups are difficult and painful, but we all survive them, move on, and end up in better relationships. 

She does not want to be in a relationship with you, there is nothing you can do about that. 

[MrAnon]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

All breakups are difficult and painful, but we all survive them, move on, and end up in better relationships. 

She does not want to be in a relationship with you, there is nothing you can do about that. 

But I told her if she wants us to break up then and she said no, she doesn't want to because I mean the world to her, but I should do it because its best for me.

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, MrAnon said:

But I told her if she wants us to break up then and she said no, she doesn't want to because I mean the world to her, but I should do it because its best for me.

She knows she is hurting you and feels bad about it. She wants you to help her break this relationship she no longer want. It's hard to breakup with someone when we know it will hurt them. You mean the world to her, she appreciates you but she is not in-love with you. Do you want to be with a girlfriend that is not in love with you and stays with you because you're a good guy? No you don't. You want a girlfriend that is passionnate about you.

Edited April 24, 2021 by Gaeta

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, MrAnon said:

But I told her if she wants us to break up then and she said no, she doesn't want to because I mean the world to her, but I should do it because its best for me.

All you can do is respect that she doesn't want to continue the relationship, OP. 

It doesn't matter why, really. She is being clear that she cannot keep dating you. There is no pyschological strategy here but to recognize her boundary and bow out gracefully. 

[MrAnon]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She knows she is hurting you and feels bad about it. She wants you to help her break this relationship she no longer want. It's hard to breakup with someone when we know it will hurt them. You mean the world to her, she appreciates you but she is not in-love with you. Do you want to be with a girlfriend that is not in love with you and stays with you because you're a good guy? No you don't. You want a girlfriend that is passionnate about you.

But she says she loves me, why would she say it then? That makes no sense to me, she says she loves me but im too good for her and she feels like she can't offer me anything and is worthless compared to me, thats the problem, the problem is not her feelings, ive asked her plain about it that if she doesn't feel the same its fine and she plain out said its not true, either she is lying or its not the issue here, the issue is her trust issues and her low self esteem issues.

[Gaeta]

She loves you but is no longer *in love*. Telling you she loves you is to ease the pain she's inflecting on you. She thinks it makes it easier on you but it actually makes it much more difficult.

Listen, if her feelings matter to you then listen to her and break it. That's what she wants. You don't want her to stay with you out of pitty or obligation.

I know it's hard for you to do but you will be fine. Don't remain friends, delete her from your social media and let her go figure herself out. 

[deepthinking]

1 hour ago, MrAnon said:

But she says she loves me, why would she say it then? That makes no sense to me, she says she loves me but im too good for her and she feels like she can't offer me anything and is worthless compared to me, thats the problem, the problem is not her feelings, ive asked her plain about it that if she doesn't feel the same its fine and she plain out said its not true, either she is lying or its not the issue here, the issue is her trust issues and her low self esteem issues.

She says she can't offer anything, so I wonder what would you like a girlfreind to offer?  She must be functional enough to meet you half-way.  What do you want her to offer?

[Caauug]

9 hours ago, MrAnon said:

I know I can't fix her but psychologically in what way can i best deal with this

You are correct, you can not fix her. She has to want to fix herself and then get professional help in doing so. You have wasted 6 months chasing her around convincing her to stay with you and she still doesn't want to be with you. You fell in love and will now have to deal with that also.

Look at her actions, she keeps pushing you away. That is what she wants. Talk is cheap, she can say what ever she wants or can say what you want to hear, but she will show you her true feelings by her actions. It is extremely hard to lie with your actions over a 6 month period of time. 

I'm not saying this is her, but I have seen it in the past where a woman will leave an abusive relationship only to go straight into another one. It's like that is the type of man they are attracted to and know?? Maybe you are not the type of man she knows and she needs to be in a more hostile relationship like her past men have shown her?? What ever the case she needs professional help, this could take years to sort and you will not be what she needs at the end of it.

She is pushing you away because you are not right for her. This is better now than in the years to come after a wedding and a couple of children. Then she brings your children into an abusive relationship that she craves... She is not yours to fix, you have had your turn, it is time to move on... Do not invest any more time in her. Say "Good bye" and spend your time healing and working on yourself.

[Ami1uwant]

10 hours ago, MrAnon said:

Yeah but the problem is that im very in love with her, its painful to let her go, because other than these issues shes the ideal girl.

But you guys are saying she is basically incapable of having a relationship?

 

this is a major issue thst is up to her to fix.

 

she needs toget professional help on this.

[Wildflower_xo]

I don't believe that this woman doesn't love you or doesn't want to be with you as some advised. 

It seems like she has a lot of demons and insecurities within herself that really need to be addressed first.  In time, I believe if you stay in a relationship like this it will make you both unhappy. Let her go and find time to heal. Perhaps she can find a Psychiatrist that specialises in abuse. There are a lot of excellent women's agencies, support groups, and online forums too. It might help her to speak with other survivors and read some books about abuse. But this is a long and personal journey for her and it seems she isn't in a position to be in a relationship right now.

[MrAnon]

52 minutes ago, Wildflower_xo said:

I don't believe that this woman doesn't love you or doesn't want to be with you as some advised. 

It seems like she has a lot of demons and insecurities within herself that really need to be addressed first.  In time, I believe if you stay in a relationship like this it will make you both unhappy. Let her go and find time to heal. Perhaps she can find a Psychiatrist that specialises in abuse. There are a lot of excellent women's agencies, support groups, and online forums too. It might help her to speak with other survivors and read some books about abuse. But this is a long and personal journey for her and it seems she isn't in a position to be in a relationship right now.

 

Yeah it would seem so...

The problem is, and I know its very easy for posters here to say this because they have no feelings, and I agree that many of them have decent points, but for them its so easy to say.. just leave her and let her go out of your life. But if they actually had strong feelings for someone it would not just be so easy, just leave her and thats it lol.

My head and everything logical agrees with many points here, but my heart has a very hard time with that, because it says the opposite of that.

[Gaeta]

@MrAnon: You are mistaken. We don't have feelings for your girlfriend like you do but we all had feelings for someone we had to let go. 5 months ago I had to breakup with the man I am in love with after 5 years together. We all know how hard it is to let go of someone we love and someone we wanted a future with. We are telling you, you will be fine. Hearbreaks are part of life. 

[Sun Seeker]

OP it would be one thing if she told you she has all these issues, and she wants to get help to overcome them so you can be together.

She didn't. She told you she would rather things ended between you instead. If that's her mindset then surely you would rather be with someone who actually wants to make it work with you, regardless of other current issues?

I do understand when you say it's not easy to just say bye, so maybe talk to her and explain that you are here for her whatever she is going through and that her getting better should be her priority so you don't lose each other.

If she doesn't agree then you know what to do. 

[ShyViolet]

If she tells you that she can't be with you and needs to end the relationship, then you need to respect that and accept it.  It doesn't matter what her reasons are.  If you pressure her into staying in the relationship, that is completely disrespectful of her right to make her own choices, and it will probably just cause her more psychological damage.  Whatever these issues are that she has, she needs to figure them out herself.  

[MrAnon]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

If she tells you that she can't be with you and needs to end the relationship, then you need to respect that and accept it.  It doesn't matter what her reasons are.  If you pressure her into staying in the relationship, that is completely disrespectful of her right to make her own choices, and it will probably just cause her more psychological damage.  Whatever these issues are that she has, she needs to figure them out herself.  

The only problem is that I told her to end it then and we go our separate way and she didn't want to, and said she doesn't want to because she really sees me as someone she could be with and could work long term, and yet shes saying the things I said in the OP message, its like she doesn't know what to do in life and is so indecisive and confused in life.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, MrAnon said:

The only problem is that I told her to end it then and we go our separate way and she didn't want to, and said she doesn't want to because she really sees me as someone she could be with and could work long term, and yet shes saying the things I said in the OP message, its like she doesn't know what to do in life and is so indecisive and confused in life.

All the more reason to give her the time she needs so that she can be present and healthy in a relationship. 

She may WANT to be in a relationship with you, but she also knows that she is not ready. Respect that. 

Edited April 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[SaraSays]

I think it's likely pretty rare that people make it crystal clear that things are over unequivocally. I would guess that most people find it easier to say things like "you're so wonderful and I don't deserve you", or "we can be friends", or "maybe in future", because they're not comfortable with setting boundaries.

[MrAnon]

18 hours ago, SaraSays said:

I think it's likely pretty rare that people make it crystal clear that things are over unequivocally. I would guess that most people find it easier to say things like "you're so wonderful and I don't deserve you", or "we can be friends", or "maybe in future", because they're not comfortable with setting boundaries.

Thats true, alltho the weird part is she refused to be friends and says she can't be friends with me because of her feelings for me that are not on a friend level, just everything about her is weird and confusing and makes little sense to me.

[elaine567]

All this confusion and indecision and apparent "love" are all rendered null and void by the fact she broke up with you.
She wants you to leave her alone.
Ok it may be her mental health issues or it may be just that she fell out of love and is scared to tell you, scared to disappoint you.
Some dumpers do act like this, they profess love, they tell you you are the best, they say you are too good for them, they say for your own good it is best if you leave, they say it is not you it is me, but the bottom line is they still want you gone.
Best not to analyse too deeply, when a person says they don't want to be in a relationship with you, then best for all concerned is to walk and never look back.