I'm unsure whether he's looking for something casual despite him saying he's open to a relationship

April 24, 2021

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm 100% with @d0nnivain. You have done everything you shoud never do when meeting a new man. But what is done is done. Now the only thing left for you to do is to do *damage control*.

You cannot ask this man what he wants when he already told you where he stands *he's open to a relationship* which falls in the same category of BS let's go with the flow & lets see where it goes. You have NO power over that, there is nothing you can do to make him want to chase you again. Actually anything you will attempt to do will push him away. What you do now is nothing! Men rebuild their testosterones in absence of women. Be absent until he reaches out to you.

Please understand this. Do not go to men's house for first meetings EVEN if you chatted with them 4 months!. You are not an escort. If a man is unwilling to take you out, organize an outing to spend time with you, drop him. This man probably invited tons of women to his place for first meeting, you are not special because he invited you over. He invited you over because he's LAZY. Lazy men don't make good boyfriends and good relationships.

Bolded. Don't reward laziness. Unless you're just looking to be pumped and dumped, which if you are no judgment.

April 24, 2021

15 minutes ago, prince0fgame said:

I respect your ideology.

Sorry to multi-quote you.

Again it's not an ideology. It's science. It has nothing to do with beleif, ideology, or my opinion, it's science.

April 24, 2021

8 minutes ago, prince0fgame said:

I guess we will have to disagree with our assessment of the OP.

I actually hope you are right about her but I fear you are not.

April 24, 2021

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I was married 15 years to a Green Berets I can tell you a military career has nothing to do with level of testosterone. Plenty of military men too shy, too beta to pursue women.

I would agree that there are plenty of military guys that are too beta. But my definition of beta is actually pursuing women! Lol..

See, I never pursue. I know women are the true seducers. They are the ones that initiate. It might not be overt. It could be a subtle sign. But nonetheless, she is the one trying to seduce me. I am not pursuing her. I am simply escalating on the window she is throwing at me.

Edited April 24, 2021 by prince0fgame

April 24, 2021

40 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I hope @belladun is such a woman but since she's on here asking advice after a series of very naïve decisions, I suspect she's closer to the confuse sex with love type or at least she thinks early sex means something emotionally when it does not. I fear she will be hurt because from what I see her delivering herself to this guy like Uber-sex on a platter with minimal effort on his part is not going to make him see her as valuable.

I concur.

She's semi-fresh out of a relationship.

The key distinction is between what inspired her to have sex with this person and how she feels afterwards. Sometimes it's for affection, sometimes it's for personal gratification, and sometimes it's to raise one's self-esteem. Then, of course, when you're really into each other, you just want to have sex.

But maybe she needs to be clear on that before moving forward with this person, or any individual for that matter.

Because right now, all he's doing is uber-ing her over for "movie night in pjs" and from what it sounds like, keeping in touch via social media.

April 24, 2021

Actually I agree with Gaeta & cleverusername...the timing of the sex was on the early side which can cause problems, but the laziness of the guy stuck out to me. Choosing to put you in the Uber. Choice of his date activities, venues.

None of us have a true crystal ball for saying what is going to happen but this surely sounds like a guy who is not open for a relationship--whether it's with you or in general perhaps due to lack of time or emotionally unavailable, idk. It's hard to go backward and want more impressive behavior from him and get it though. He's already acting as if he doesn't need to impress you that much. 5 months of talking is way too much IMO. Now you are both slightly obligated to "see" what's there but the real momentum is lost as well as his need to impress you. Feels like you are already hooked and looking to seal the commitment though so it's unbalanced, one sided and he's acting kind of lazy. Not a good combo iMO. Not impossible, of course. My best advice is don't try to "do more" in an attempt to get him to "give you more" of himself. Also if you want to know if he will date you and date you in a way you like, try to see if he will take you out to do something next time. I wouldn't suggest chasing after him...but when he asks to see you, suggest an activity that is not at either of your homes. That should provide good insight. If he balks, he is probably lazy and not really ever planning to really date you or impress you.

April 24, 2021

53 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

What was the original plan for your second date? Was it also at his house? Have you been on any dates since that were outside the home?

Movie nights in pj's sounds like something people in long term relationships do, not something you partake in with a person you barely know.

You need to get out the house and the bedroom or this will be probably be nothing more than casual sex.

When I got to his, we considered going out to eat as he wanted to surprise me but then we decided on eating in again.

April 24, 2021

8 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Actually I agree with Gaeta & cleverusername...the timing of the sex was on the early side which can cause problems, but the laziness of the guy stuck out to me. Choosing to put you in the Uber. Choice of his date activities, venues.

None of us have a true crystal ball for saying what is going to happen but this surely sounds like a guy who is not open for a relationship--whether it's with you or in general perhaps due to lack of time or emotionally unavailable, idk. It's hard to go backward and want more impressive behavior from him and get it though. He's already acting as if he doesn't need to impress you that much. 5 months of talking is way too much IMO. Now you are both slightly obligated to "see" what's there but the real momentum is lost as well as his need to impress you. Feels like you are already hooked and looking to seal the commitment though so it's unbalanced, one sided and he's acting kind of lazy. Not a good combo iMO. Not impossible, of course. My best advice is don't try to "do more" in an attempt to get him to "give you more" of himself. Also if you want to know if he will date you and date you in a way you like, try to see if he will take you out to do something next time. I wouldn't suggest chasing after him...but when he asks to see you, suggest an activity that is not at either of your homes. That should provide good insight. If he balks, he is probably lazy and not really ever planning to really date you or impress you.

We haven't been talking for 5 months, I'm not sure where you get that from. We've been talking for 2 months max. But yes thank you, I should suggest a dinner out somewhere at the very least (if this is what his schedule can allow and go from there)

Edited April 24, 2021 by belladun

April 24, 2021

9 hours ago, belladun said:

Had been talking to this guy for a few months prior to the meeting. He said he is open to a relationship but not with anyone (same). * * * I had gotten out of a relationship a month or so beforehand.

7 hours ago, belladun said:

Oh I've been single as of November 2020.

1 minute ago, belladun said:

We haven't been talking for 5 months, I'm not sure where you get that from. We've been talking for 2 months max.

You started this thread by saying you had been talking to a man for a few months, plural. You said the talking began approximately one month after you ended a relationship in November 2020. One month later would be December. December to April is 5 months. For you to now claim you have only been talking for 2 months doesn't exactly square with your other posts.

Regardless, I think by now you understand that continuing to show up at his house will not get you the relationship you want.

April 24, 2021

5 minutes ago, belladun said:

We haven't been talking for 5 months, I'm not sure where you get that from. We've been talking for 2 months max. But yes thank you, I should suggest a dinner out somewhere at the very least (if this is what his schedule can allow and go from there)

lol, i'm not sure where I got 5 months from either! Sorry.

Well yeah people have to eat. If he can find the time to have you come over and hang out in pjs for netflix and chill, he can find the time for a couple hours of eating/doing something outside the home.

April 24, 2021

Very true ^ if I suggest dinner somewhere and he says, let's meet at mine and go from there, any advice? Or do you think driving us to dinner is at least acceptable? I would still feel off about that.

April 24, 2021

3 minutes ago, belladun said:

Very true ^ if I suggest dinner somewhere and he says, let's meet at mine and go from there, any advice? Or do you think driving us to dinner is at least acceptable? I would still feel off about that.

At some point every woman has always asked me "So what does this mean?"

You can actually ask him that. Because you gave him everything already. You didn't hold anything back. You showed him "This is what it is like when you are with me. And if your answer ain't good enough, then I'm going to have to give you the boot."

Some women only give halfway and withold alot and ask "What does this mean?"

That doesn't make any sense. Because the guy is not going to feel like he is losing anything. He never got much in the first place.

April 24, 2021

Why would you feel off about him driving you guys to dinner?

It's effort. You already slept with him so presumably you might end up back at either one of your places, ie drive together. It would be hard for you to go backward about having sex and presumably if you were using it as some way to try to get closer and it was purely what you wanted to do, why wouldn't you want to keep having it? That's kind of the trouble of hooking up too soon is you have an almost forced intimacy that's not matched by an emotional one or real closeness/commitment. Causes misunderstandings and adds to insecurity or need for reassurance from one side and need to set boundaries from the other side---which in turn creates more problems typically.

I think just meeting at his place or yours and rolling with it is fine. In a way you've already trusted him and thrown caution to the wind, so there is not really a reason to keep doing that. What I would say your boundary should be is don't accept lazy or last minute stuff from him if you want a relationship. But I don't see trying to turn back the physical stuff as a good thing, ie withholding.

And him driving to pick you up IS effort so I would accept that--even if he's doing it because he hopes the evening will end at his place. Or also you could have him pick you up and when he drops you at your place, invite him in. Idk, see how it will be hard to backtrack on him putting you in an uber for his convenience every time? But I'm sure you can do it some of the time. IMO, you shouldn't let that become the "pattern", so don't let it happen two times in a row. otherwise he will really balk when you try to change it up after you are totally fed up.

April 24, 2021

3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Why would you feel off about him driving you guys to dinner?

It's effort. You already slept with him so presumably you might end up back at either one of your places, ie drive together. It would be hard for you to go backward about having sex and presumably if you were using it as some way to try to get closer and it was purely what you wanted to do, why wouldn't you want to keep having it? That's kind of the trouble of hooking up too soon is you have an almost forced intimacy that's not matched by an emotional one or real closeness/commitment. Causes misunderstandings and adds to insecurity or need for reassurance from one side and need to set boundaries from the other side---which in turn creates more problems typically.

I think just meeting at his place or yours and rolling with it is fine. In a way you've already trusted him and thrown caution to the wind, so there is not really a reason to keep doing that. What I would say your boundary should be is don't accept lazy or last minute stuff from him if you want a relationship. But I don't see trying to turn back the physical stuff as a good thing, ie withholding.

And him driving to pick you up IS effort so I would accept that--even if he's doing it because he hopes the evening will end at his place. Or also you could have him pick you up and when he drops you at your place, invite him in. Idk, see how it will be hard to backtrack on him putting you in an uber for his convenience every time? But I'm sure you can do it some of the time. IMO, you shouldn't let that become the "pattern", so don't let it happen two times in a row. otherwise he will really balk when you try to change it up after you are totally fed up.

Really appreciate your advice, I agree with you. Sorry excuse if I have said anything a bit silly tonight, I've had a few drinks (not sure if that is allowed to be said on here).

April 24, 2021

28 minutes ago, belladun said:

Very true ^ if I suggest dinner somewhere and he says, let's meet at mine and go from there, any advice? Or do you think driving us to dinner is at least acceptable? I would still feel off about that.

Is there anything preventing you to have this man pick you up at your place?

A gentleman will not say *come here* and then we'll drive to a restaurant. A gentleman will *pick you up at your place*.

Maybe I have a too high opinion of myself but I don't go to men's place on their demand. I go to a man's place when he's my boyfriend.

April 24, 2021

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Sorry to multi-quote you.

Again it's not an ideology. It's science. It has nothing to do with beleif, ideology, or my opinion, it's science.

I am glad you brought this up. I am going to reveal something about guys that most women do not know.

See....guys do not see women as 1-10. That is a myth.

Guys are binary. It's either 1 (yes) or 0 (no). She could be 300 lbs. But some guys would see her as a 1.

So after he busts a nut, he comes to his senses and realizes he cannot tolerate her outside the bedroom. This is called cognitive dissonance. His penis said yes, but his mind said no. And his emotions said Hell no. Get me the hell out of here.

Now, this does not mean that ALL guys react that way. For example, let's say I run into a woman who is beautiful, feminine, non-needy, etc. She is attractive + she has a good vibe. If I were to bust a nut and came to my senses, I would still realize that she is beautiful, feminine, non-needy, etc. There would be no massive cognitive dissonance. My penis and my mind + emotions would all still be aligned.

Cognitive dissonance only happens when the woman only has sex to offer. But if she is beautiful, self validated, non-needy, feminine, etc, she has a lot to offer.

The "full packaged" women who are non-needy are rarely victims of cognitive dissonance. In fact, it would be the opposite. The guy would become attached and blow up her phone.

It is the women who marginalize themselves as mere sex objects that suffer from men's cognitive dissonance.

However, this can be confused with women giving up sex quickly. A truly confident and beautiful woman can give up sex quickly and she would still cause the guy to be attached. She has nothing to worry about.

Only women who have nothing but sex to offer should worry about men's cognitive dissonance.

Edited April 24, 2021 by prince0fgame

April 24, 2021

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Is there anything preventing you to have this man pick you up at your place?

A gentleman will not say *come here* and then we'll drive to a restaurant. A gentleman will *pick you up at your place*.

Maybe I have a too high opinion of myself but I don't go to men's place on their demand. I go to a man's place when he's my boyfriend.

I agree with you and this is how I feel too, probably as to why I've been inclined to make this post. If he wants to see me again, I will at least push for something outside of his house. But how does one express, that if he wants something more than casual, he needs to stop being lazy. Or do I just see put a stop to it immediately and not tell him?

April 24, 2021

You do not 'express' to him that he needs to be less lazy. You express what you would like, he will show enthusiasm and be happy to execute himself or he will do everything to remain in his lazy pattern, if so then you drop him, he's not a good prospect for you.

So when he reaches to you and he offers netflix & chill you simply reply with enthusiasm you know what would be great? I'd love to go at XYZ, about you pick me up around X hour and we head there? Men want to 'please' the woman they like. In the early days taking you out is all about doing something for you and put a smile on your face.

April 24, 2021

Him: You want to Netflix and chill

You: Actually, I was reading about X restaurant and I really want to try it! I've been looking for someone to go with me!

his response will tell you how much he cares

April 24, 2021

26 minutes ago, belladun said:

I agree with you and this is how I feel too, probably as to why I've been inclined to make this post. If he wants to see me again, I will at least push for something outside of his house. But how does one express, that if he wants something more than casual, he needs to stop being lazy. Or do I just see put a stop to it immediately and not tell him?

Yeah flip it... right now you are so worry that you need to "change" his mind from casual or events at his house to what you want. It's easier to PRESUME that he is like he said "open to a relationship" and thus not wanting to be lazy or mistreat you or put you out. So in accordance, PRESUME that he absolutely would want to do something outside of the house with you. Why wouldn't he? You are dateable, girlfriend material. If you only except the bare minimum stuff he offers and feel like you can't speak up or you will lose a (poor) status quo, you are actually worsening your position to get what you want out of this. At only two dates in, IMO it will be easier to "change" the patterns and create an accurate impression vs trying to nag it out of him 2 months down the road. You might "lose" in that he might not want to continue under what you want as well--but then you haven't really lost anything have you? You would just be waiting for the inevitable, if he's only willing to do what you are doing under only his conditions--meaning eventually he would cut that off as well, move onto a real girlfriend or mistreat you so badly or dismissively that you would get totally fed up (or more likely you would start squeaking about it then and he would see that as drama and decide to move on). You can't be afraid to lose someone who won't give you their best. You can't be afraid to lose someone period.

April 24, 2021

2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

You can't be afraid to lose someone who won't give you their best. You can't be afraid to lose someone period

Man, you're on a roll today with the quotes.

April 24, 2021

Just now, cleverusername said:

Him: You want to Netflix and chill

You: Actually, I was reading about X restaurant and I really want to try it! I've been looking for someone to go with me!

his response will tell you how much he cares

Exactly Not bad at all.

I would leave out even the "actually" as it is a word that suggests "something different", ie challenge to his idea. Lol, try to make it like it is both of your ideas. Like a mutual decision.

April 24, 2021

Just now, cleverusername said:

Man, you're on a roll today with the quotes.

thank you thank you! xoxo

April 24, 2021

42 minutes ago, prince0fgame said:

I am glad you brought this up. I am going to reveal something about guys that most women do not know.

See....guys do not see women as 1-10. That is a myth.

Guys are binary. It's either 1 (yes) or 0 (no). She could be 300 lbs. But some guys would see her as a 1.

So after he busts a nut, he comes to his senses and realizes he cannot tolerate her outside the bedroom. This is called cognitive dissonance. His penis said yes, but his mind said no. And his emotions said Hell no. Get me the hell out of here.

Now, this does not mean that ALL guys react that way. For example, let's say I run into a woman who is beautiful, feminine, non-needy, etc. She is attractive + she has a good vibe. If I were to bust a nut and came to my senses, I would still realize that she is beautiful, feminine, non-needy, etc. There would be no massive cognitive dissonance. My penis and my mind + emotions would all still be aligned.

Cognitive dissonance only happens when the woman only has sex to offer. But if she is beautiful, self validated, non-needy, feminine, etc, she has a lot to offer.

The "full packaged" women who are non-needy are rarely victims of cognitive dissonance. In fact, it would be the opposite. The guy would become attached and blow up her phone.

It is the women who marginalize themselves as mere sex objects that suffer from men's cognitive dissonance.

However, this can be confused with women giving up sex quickly. A truly confident and beautiful woman can give up sex quickly and she would still cause the guy to be attached. She has nothing to worry about.

Only women who have nothing but sex to offer should worry about men's cognitive dissonance.

Some of your ideas are too far out or those guy dating coaches thing to me. But this one has a little something to it

I think you are basically saying that a woman shouldn't act as if sex is the main thing to offer--which I would agree with.

April 24, 2021

Really appreciative of everyone's detailed advice to what I should say. I'm not sure how I deserve this

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I'm unsure whether he's looking for something casual despite him saying he's open to a relationship

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