Versacehottie Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 I basically can't tell what happened or what you are talking about. Lol, is that more clear. I'm not making fun. I just think you are making it much more complicated than it need be. Now I'm wondering, is he still married? Lol, you hint at ideas in wordy, half-sentences and then snatch the idea away. I'm literally so confused. Maybe it's just me 1
Author czanclus Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: I basically can't tell what happened or what you are talking about. Lol, is that more clear. I'm not making fun. I just think you are making it much more complicated than it need be. Now I'm wondering, is he still married? Lol, you hint at ideas in wordy, half-sentences and then snatch the idea away. I'm literally so confused. Maybe it's just me I have no idea if he's married, though if I really wanted to find out, I have a friend who has access to public records of divorce motions. It is not the case that I really want to find out. If this was something important for me to know, this man would have by now found a way to insert it into communication. Things that happened are things that I listed, within, granted, wordy posts. I tried to keep my initial post as brief as possible, but it seems that I omitted somewhat valuable information in that attempt, so I in later posts tried to be more descriptive. 1) LinkedIn convo happened 2) Zoom meeting happened 3) interview invitation happened 4)interview invitation update and lunchoffer as gratitude happened (also email) 5) counter-offering of dinner happened (email) 6) nudge/check-in email from him to me happened 7) update and confirmation of dinner invitation happened (email) interview happened 9) nudge/check-in email with specific dinner day happened (but on the same day of invite) 10) my declining of invite due to work response happened with my offering two alternative days and times 11) his reply that he'll let me know about one of the two dates and to keep him posted on job decision development happened 12) creating this topic on loveshack forums happened (I'm a bit surprised they haven't moved it to 'Business/Professional Relationships' sub-forum yet) 13) my contacting the company I interviewed with and letting them know I wish to be taken out of consideration happened 14) my post on lunch offer being a bad idea happened Hopefully that's distilled well enough now. 1
Versacehottie Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 Lol, yeahhhh I didn't get all that^^^^ from the other posts. This made it quite clear. So now my question is, are you worried that "lunch being a bad idea" is just what is going on in your head. Not based on anything new and concrete that happened from his side, right? I still think if someone gave you business advice or a recommendation, the right thing to do is to thank them and a lunch or dinner offer is the right way to thank them, the majority of the time. I also think if you like him romantically, this is probably the quickest way to find out if he is taken or not. As he will probably keep it lunch if he is taken or decline the offer or make it dinner (as it seems like he tried to) if he is not taken and also has a romantic interest in you. That said, take baby steps. Better than misinterpreting anything. And at same time don't freak yourself out. There is no real urgency on any of it (probably in his mind, even if he does like you romantically). I also think don't jump the gun. You've done enough and if he's married or taken it could be awkward. Ball is in his court If I'm understanding things correctly. good luck
Wiseman2 Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 Go, have a good time and worry about the check when it comes. It's unclear if you perceive this as a business meeting or a date. Which would you like it to be?
Author czanclus Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Go, have a good time and worry about the check when it comes. It's unclear if you perceive this as a business meeting or a date. Which would you like it to be? I shall, thanks... if this dinner actually takes place. Payment part, I'm fully prepared to cover the whole bill. Hopefully I don't have to insist. We'll see. I still perceive it as business/friendly. I posted this topic asking if dinner is a date because it occurred to me, a week or so after accepting, that maybe it's a gesture of accepting something else. Of course it didn't help that I started browsing online forums under Google search query of 'is dinner invitation a date' and found just enough 'confirmation' that it could be... ie. age appropriate male/female alone having dinner ---> date, or 'if it looks like a date to the waiter' ---> date. Then I got into my headspace and started imagining awkward scenarios of being propositioned for something extra and feeling like a dumb fool for 'leading him on' with accepting dinner. (Yes, I have personal hangups with being perceived as leading men on, it's a first-world problem, I acknowledge, but it messes with me psychologically.) So I remembered this community and decided to post the question with some specifics of my personal situation. Which would I like it to be? This particular meeting, I would much prefer that it's a business and friendly meeting. In the case that it really does turn out that he's interested in something else, that would ideally take place over a longer timespan of subsequent encounters. Also, if he and his wife are going through some temporary rough patch and his way of coping with it is to seek validation as still at 60+ being 'datable' material, sure, I'm willing to undersign the clause that 'yes, sir, if you were single, I'd be open to dating you. Now go see about making up with your wife.' Also, I confess again, to being flattered he 'dug me out' of all the women he could have sought out for this purpose after a decade of no interaction of any kind. Edited May 3, 2021 by czanclus
Author czanclus Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 5 hours ago, Versacehottie said: also think if you like him romantically, this is probably the quickest way to find out if he is taken or not. As he will probably keep it lunch if he is taken or decline the offer or make it dinner (as it seems like he tried to) if he is not taken and also has a romantic interest in you. That said, take baby steps. Like him romantically... I mean, I don't know him that well at all. To be sure, I didn't spend the past decade or any appreciable fraction thereof wondering why our paths didn't cross and why I didn't run into him first. For one, he's ~two decades~ older than I, there just doesn't exist a fitting scenario that precedes his marriage path. Two, non-overlapping careers, and from what I can gather social personalities. I'm more of a introverted math/engineering nerd from a financially and in other ways struggling family, money always an issue, had to work a lot of long hours (= very little time to properly date) to make it to middle class all on my own, struggled with initial career choice, hustled to make it work with alternative paths. He's more of a highly successful legal professional who knows people in highly successful positions, which mandates active social life. Not to disparage myself, I think my triumph over the looming chasm of poverty throughout my life is pretty kick-ass, but from the perspective of people from social strata like him... I am to be honest lost at trying to imagine what I would possibly bring to the table here. I'm not anti-social, and as he said himself I 'present well', but all that isn't gonna cut it on a day to day. I'd need to step up my 'schmoozing' game much more, and I will without apology declare here that I could not bother at this age putting myself through such a willful transformation.
introverted1 Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 Is #13 above going to reflect badly on him? As in, did he recommend you for the job you asked not to be considered for? How long has it been since #11? 1
Author czanclus Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 3 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Is #13 above going to reflect badly on him? As in, did he recommend you for the job you asked not to be considered for? How long has it been since #11? Details matter indeed. And so does the timeline. #11 happened 16 days ago. #13 - I don't believe so. I spoke to the interviewers at the company prior to even being invited to the interview and clarified what they already suspected - that aside from being out of the industry for over 5 years, this subfield of industry I have no experience with. They made it seem that it would be a 'casual conversation' on the nature of a job. The email that followed a few weeks later used the word interview. I came in a suit, printed resumes and prior projects work folder and all. The conversation was casual. Phew. They told me they were in the process of interviewing and that the general profile of a candidate for this job is a early/mid 20s recent college graduate. All within expectations. I highly doubt I disrupted anyone's flow. And, yes, I was genuinely interested in what the job was about as well as willing to put things on paper and seriously consider selling myself as the right fit for the position if I decided to go that route of resurrecting the career I originally went to school for. As far as the man who 'put my resume on top', the man this topic is about, I told him on several exchanges that I am still deliberating what I want to do with career, and that I greatly appreciate his willingness to help and connect me with people in the industry regardless of outcome. This part is what I offered lunch for. So, I have to imagine that made it clear that I'm not committing to anything.
introverted1 Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 I think he could be put off that he "put your resume on top" only for you to withdraw from consideration for the position. Regardless, as 16 days have passed since you proposed different dates for the dinner (with no contact from him, is that right?), I'd say he's not especially interested in a romantic pursuit.
Author czanclus Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 24 minutes ago, introverted1 said: I think he could be put off that he "put your resume on top" only for you to withdraw from consideration for the position. Regardless, as 16 days have passed since you proposed different dates for the dinner (with no contact from him, is that right?), I'd say he's not especially interested in a romantic pursuit. If he's put off by that after all the disclaimers I made, both to him and the company, including the fact that I'd be very uncomfortable leaving my current job till the spring semester is over, then oh well... not my problem. Regarding the time lapse since following up on dinner plans he suggested... also not my concern. If no romantic interest, all the merrier. I just might reach out, like he asked me to, later this month with specifics on what subfield I'm interested in, and whether he knows people. And perhaps after that, send him a gift card valid at multiple restaurants to enjoy a meal with his family. Edited May 3, 2021 by czanclus
introverted1 Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 4 minutes ago, czanclus said: If he's put off by that after all the disclaimers I made, both to him and the company, including the fact that I'd be very uncomfortable leaving my current job till the spring semester is over, then oh well... not my problem. I missed that you had told him up front that you were not interested in a new position now. Thanking him with a gift card seems like a nice gesture.
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