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Can someone give me an example between the difference of 'Basic Conversation' and 'Flirty Conversation'

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Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

Posted
Posted (edited)

You don't necessarily have to try to flirt. With someone you REALLY like, you can just naturally do it. 

You can think of flirting as showing interest and or an intensity of interest in the other person or something they did or said--not as making remarks about the way she looks. When you show an intense interest in even the basic stuff, you're tapping into some of the energy of flirting .

But there's a catch: showing intense interest needs to be authentic, as in you REALLY are impressed that she stood up to the auto mechanic or the way she handled a situation at work. Or you really found something she said to be funny or you really love the way she talks. 

To get more personal, if you like her outfit and as in you really feel she's dressed in a beautiful color, you can say that. The trick here is to find words that match the energy of your feelings. "Wow, you look great in red." If you do not strongly feel she looks good in red, then don't try to say that. 

The other side of flirting is sharing your own thoughts and ideas and experiences with enthusiasm.  Like she tells you a story and it reminds you of something in your life---not reminds you a little bit but powerfully so. You share that! But the difference between flirting and not flirting is how STRONGLY you connect with her story such that you REALLY want to share a matching story. 

First step for you: notice what you're feeling as you talk to the person. If you're feeling great, notice that. Then practice finding words about what you feel great about when you're with the person or talking to the person. If all you're feeling when talking to her is that you are asking basic questions, most likely you guys don't have chemistry. 

 

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

To me flirting has nothing to do with sexual innuendos. 

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Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

Posted
Posted

Agree with @Gaeta. Innuendo is completely unnecessary and overrated. 

Your enthusiasm and joy when you are with the person communicates the romantic interest. 

  • Like 4
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

It's more of a different strokes for different folks thing.  Neither are wrong but not every approach works for every person, although  good listening & attentiveness are pretty universal.

IMO, there is something to be said for innuendo.  I like clever / witty / smart banter & can enjoy innuendo but in context & rarely before I actually meet the guy.  Flirting is a bit of an art but it is also a skill. 

You have to either know the woman & what she wants / expects / will tolerate or you have to know yourself & know that if you want to go all in up front that you may not be compatible with a more reserved woman.  

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cleverusername Established Member

cleverusername

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

It's more of a different strokes for different folks thing.  Neither are wrong but not every approach works for every person, although  good listening & attentiveness are pretty universal.

IMO, there is something to be said for innuendo.  I like clever / witty / smart banter & can enjoy innuendo but in context & rarely before I actually meet the guy.  Flirting is a bit of an art but it is also a skill. 

You have to either know the woman & what she wants / expects / will tolerate or you have to know yourself & know that if you want to go all in up front that you may not be compatible with a more reserved woman.  

Exactly.

There's a woman at my gym who is about 10-15yrs older than me who loves to flirt, I approach that situation completely different than a mids-20's woman on bumble. 

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IntBrowser Established Member

IntBrowser

Posted
  • Author
Posted
17 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You don't necessarily have to try to flirt. With someone you REALLY like, you can just naturally do it. 

You can think of flirting as showing interest and or an intensity of interest in the other person or something they did or said--not as making remarks about the way she looks. When you show an intense interest in even the basic stuff, you're tapping into some of the energy of flirting .

But there's a catch: showing intense interest needs to be authentic, as in you REALLY are impressed that she stood up to the auto mechanic or the way she handled a situation at work. Or you really found something she said to be funny or you really love the way she talks. 

To get more personal, if you like her outfit and as in you really feel she's dressed in a beautiful color, you can say that. The trick here is to find words that match the energy of your feelings. "Wow, you look great in red." If you do not strongly feel she looks good in red, then don't try to say that. 

The other side of flirting is sharing your own thoughts and ideas and experiences with enthusiasm.  Like she tells you a story and it reminds you of something in your life---not reminds you a little bit but powerfully so. You share that! But the difference between flirting and not flirting is how STRONGLY you connect with her story such that you REALLY want to share a matching story. 

First step for you: notice what you're feeling as you talk to the person. If you're feeling great, notice that. Then practice finding words about what you feel great about when you're with the person or talking to the person. If all you're feeling when talking to her is that you are asking basic questions, most likely you guys don't have chemistry. 

 

Its normally the opening tone of her hello on the phone during the 1st convo which normally lets me know how far it will go.      

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted

Some sort of compliment on something. Even "I like your style" or  "that's clever", etc., anything that indicates more than texting a pal. Skip sexual remarks, many women find it off putting.

  • Like 2
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

To me flirting has nothing to do with sexual innuendos. 

Good point.  It's playfulness in general. Lol if only guys understood that her willingness to be playful with you about general stuff IS a girl's way of indicating or being open to the physical. A direct sexual innuendo is usually too clunky.  Being able to be playful back about anything is a far better strategy. 

like a convo about your cable/cell phone drama is generally boring for anyone to hear--so definitely don't talk at length about that with a new bumble match that you are into.  But if the conversation happens to go that way just naturally, ie if she asks you what you were up to that day, there are ways to impart a fact (drama with cable company) even in a flirty or engaging way.  Flirty is tough to give you an example without really knowing you or the scenario. That's the thing isn't it's the OPPOSITE of a script, it's pretty much tailored to the two people involved, what little you know (or lot) and building upon that, the situation and the vibe/mood. It's an undertone of sexy/playful/fun without being an innuendo.  

Also though in lieu of having a flirty conversation about something (you never want to come of as a try hard), if she had asked you about what were you doing today and the fact was you were dealign with cable company drama, you can turn it just into a jump off spot.  like oh yeah I really needed to get it sorted out, i can't miss my _____ (some show you are into); then use it as an opportunity to ask her what she likes to watch/can't miss.  It's only used as one factual sentence to jump into a paragraph or pages of a verbal convo where you get to know one another, have a chance to be flirty, talk about more positive, happy, fun stuff. You should be selling FUN IMO.. by how you are.  That's why a fact of cable annoyances is not totally bad depending on how you utilize it. If you are purely factual and drone on and on and want to replay the indigence of it all, yeah that's boring to most people and a negative impression, especially if they have little else to go on in making an impression about you.

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glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted

Sincerity goes a long way. Avoid any jokes or comments referring to her body, sex in general, what a woman is wearing or should be wearing. I appreciate when a man is into his own life and the vibe I'm getting is that he's comfortable in his own skin with or without a partner. 

 

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prince0fgame Member

prince0fgame

Posted
Posted (edited)
14 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

I think this maybe my issue here once I talk to a woman from a dating app.     I tend to go on about everyday life stuff and thinking I am breaking the ice not realizing no woman really wants to talk about basic stuff.   Im guessing why the phone conversation suddenly came to an end through the bumble app.   

 

 

You have to make it personal. Women get bored when it comes to "things". Make it a rule to make it personal as soon as possible. She doesn't care about current events. She cares about how you, the person she is talking to, relates to the current events.

You ask her a personal question. And then you relate with your personal experience. 

That's how an interaction escalates from stranger vibe to personal vibe. An interaction always moves forward or backwards. It doesn't stay at one spot. Talking about current events is how convos stall out. You always have to escalate forward.

The three major escalations are Stranger vibe -> personal vibe -> sexual romantic vibe.

After relating to her on a personal level for 15 minutes (I am talking about real life. I guess online you can substitute 15 minutes for 5 messages), you have to escalate towards a sexual/romantic vibe.

You can say "Not just are you sexy, but I really that you (insert whatever she personally revealed about herself).

You have to escalate. Show your intentions. It is your job as a man. But you can only do it if she actually made an effort to get personal with you.

And if you do not escalate with a woman who is making it personal with you, she will backtrack and you will miss your window...possibly forever. 

Always escalate on a woman's "windows". Failure to do so will telegraph to her you are not used to female attention. 

Of course, game is not universal. It is a matter of perspective. For a guy who doesn't know what to do, I would tell him to always escalate on windows.

For a guy swimming in female validation, I would tell him the opposite. Relax, fall back, and make yourself look attainable and humble. 

Edited by prince0fgame
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glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted

Yeah, no. I know a guy who does that and it sounds pretty gross and insincere. 

Avoid any comments that are oversexualized. It doesn't matter how many >insert personal stories< there are. If a man jumps into overt comments about being sexy, it's an automatic eyeroll. 

Not being able to hold a single decent conversation intellectually is a red flag and I'd be zoning out, looking for a different crowd.

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Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted

You can’t flirt in text.

 

anything you say can be interpreted in two very different ways.

 

just talk the basics.ask about something said in their profile 

 

key is get yo phone call or video chat. Thrn to a face to face meeting.  You don’t want yo talk about everything before you meet. You need stuff for conversations.

prince0fgame Member

prince0fgame

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, glows said:

Yeah, no. I know a guy who does that and it sounds pretty gross and insincere. 

Avoid any comments that are oversexualized. It doesn't matter how many >insert personal stories< there are. If a man jumps into overt comments about being sexy, it's an automatic eyeroll. 

Not being able to hold a single decent conversation intellectually is a red flag and I'd be zoning out, looking for a different crowd.

I would agree that for most guys who are clueless, talking sexual would totally bomb. 

He has to be sincere and genuinely interested. 

And this is very hard to actually instruct a clueless guy to do.

I just made an assumption that the OP is someone who is sincere and knows what he likes. 

For such a transparent guy, all he needs to do is escalate the relationship when the woman is giving him windows.

He shouldn't escalate if there aren't any windows. But if there are windows, he should escalate, because the woman wont do it for him.

It's a two way avenue. Seduction is not something a man does to a woman, but something he does WITH a woman. 

She gives him a hint. He takes the hint and escalates. 

Edited by prince0fgame
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basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
19 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

My cable and internet went out and I was mentioning how I cancelled comcast and signed up with T mobile

I think it's fair that complaining about stuff needs to be done in moderation and NEVER as a 'getting to know you' conversation.

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted

Yes,  definitely stay away from the PUA rubbish. Set yourself apart from all the  horndogs out there doing this.

The point of texting is to exchange a few messages then arrange a meeting.

In that time frame a compliment or two is fine.

But most of all keep it civil, or she'll never agree to meeting.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I think it's fair that complaining about stuff needs to be done in moderation and NEVER as a 'getting to know you' conversation.

Sorry, I meant 'fair to say'.   Don't complain about stuff if you're wanting to impress.

Edited by basil67
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SaraSays Established Member

SaraSays

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, prince0fgame said:

You have to make it personal. Women get bored when it comes to "things". Make it a rule to make it personal as soon as possible. She doesn't care about current events. She cares about how you, the person she is talking to, relates to the current events.

You ask her a personal question. And then you relate with your personal experience. 

That's how an interaction escalates from stranger vibe to personal vibe. An interaction always moves forward or backwards. It doesn't stay at one spot. Talking about current events is how convos stall out. You always have to escalate forward.

The three major escalations are Stranger vibe -> personal vibe -> sexual romantic vibe.

After relating to her on a personal level for 15 minutes (I am talking about real life. I guess online you can substitute 15 minutes for 5 messages), you have to escalate towards a sexual/romantic vibe.

You can say "Not just are you sexy, but I really that you (insert whatever she personally revealed about herself).

You have to escalate. Show your intentions. It is your job as a man. But you can only do it if she actually made an effort to get personal with you.

And if you do not escalate with a woman who is making it personal with you, she will backtrack and you will miss your window...possibly forever. 

Always escalate on a woman's "windows". Failure to do so will telegraph to her you are not used to female attention. 

Of course, game is not universal. It is a matter of perspective. For a guy who doesn't know what to do, I would tell him to always escalate on windows.

For a guy swimming in female validation, I would tell him the opposite. Relax, fall back, and make yourself look attainable and humble. 

This is an alaming approach to me, and I wouldn't be interested in such a man. I've no interest in a stranger making such smutty comments about my body, and no interest in a pushy man, as boundaries are very important to me. We both decide if and when things progress.

A compliment from a stranger should be something that could be given from a woman or man to a woman or man - "your style is fantastic", "you have a clear and wonderful way of conveying complicated topics, that I admire", "I've learnt a lot from you today, so thank you", "you have such positive energy, and it's contageous", "when you laugh, it lights up the room".

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IntBrowser Established Member

IntBrowser

Posted
  • Author
Posted
16 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think it's fair that complaining about stuff needs to be done in moderation and NEVER as a 'getting to know you' conversation.

Noted

Stupidkupid Established Member

Stupidkupid

Posted
Posted
On 4/23/2021 at 5:01 PM, cleverusername said:

Mid-late 20's

This! Both of you are completely valid in your reactions! This is why I was looking for some more info from OP as to the woman's personality. My approach only worked with this one woman this one time, and I wouldn't use it one every woman. Again you have to tailor your flirting to the individual. Very hard to describe how to actually flirt, it comes with practice and communication.

For me if we had only been chatting for a short period and only met once, it would be a no-no. If we'd met a couple of times and there was good attraction and we'd had laughs before, I wouldn't reciprocate but I'd most likely laugh at it

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

Flirting is a skill and some can get away with outrageously flirting and saying stuff that is so near the bone it could be seen as offensive and "too much" yet they elicit howls of laughter and purrs of approval, whereas others can hardly say anything without it being greeted with scowls and looks of disapproval.
It is all about playing to your audience and being super aware of how you are coming across, knowing when to push it and knowing when to stay schtum.
There is no formula, it is all about reacting on the fly.
IIRC you are around 40, so as I assume you haven't up till now mastered the art of flirting, then I think you should probably leave it alone.
Be nice, be kind, be interesting, have some good stories lined up and steer away from anything negative, whiny or complaining.

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
Posted

For me, flirting has nothing to do with touching or sexual innuendos. It's all about excitement, animation and playfulness when talking about the most mundane events. If a guy even so much as hinted at sexual innuendo in an online chat before we established chemistry in person (and even then), I would be grossed out.

When I did OLD, I was looking for 2 things: a guy that set up a coffee/drink date early on and a guy who didn't mention anything sexual/used the word casual/talked about his ex wife/talked about drinking and partying. Talking about current events and cable guy drama would be perfect, as long as the in-person date was set. That more than enough shows your romantic intention.

 

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SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 4/23/2021 at 11:14 AM, d0nnivain said:

Anything that shows genuine interest in me & what's I'm about.  You need to engage in active listening.  Really hear what the other person is saying rather than thinking about what you are going to say next.  

Exactly.   If you know about the topic interesting things you found about it are good, avoid mansplaining especially to "correct" what the other person says.  If you know little about the topic and are interested can just say that, and ask them more about it, things you always wondered.  When talking more about something you are into passion is important but also some humility and ability to joke a little bit about it if you are way into it.

Quote

The changing your cable topic was too mundane & while we all know dealing with the cable company is annoying as a pre-meet conversation it makes you seem like a whiney downer who can't cope with life's inconveniences.  Keep topics light & upbeat.  No negativity.  Never dump on a new person.  Use your BFFs to vent, not the new prospect.  

Agreed.  Although sharing one's cable company woes can be an ice breaker as we all have them, but it should not be an analytical conversation, and is a good segue into the humor of it all.  One can make jokes about how you miss old cable, a heavy duty string connected between two tin cans, reliable and higher data transfer rate...or make cultural references like to the South Park cable company episodes...sure there are other more modern examples...to turn it into more a bonding over the absurdity instead of analysis and whining...but good them after some humorous bonding to go more into a learn about her topics.    Since you are talking media could segue into asking about books, movies, shows, etc. she likes.  If you share a a common like, then there is a topic there. 

Not suggesting only have such conversations, it is also good to touch on more serious deal breakers at some point.  However, since those topics are a bit heavy and if you lead with them it can seem like a job interview the lighter topics, where you can have a back-n-forth conversation to establish report is key.  "Breaking the ice" is key and some cultures consider it rude if you do not.  All that being said, there are those who find it odd if you do not jump into what I call the job interview style. :) 

Quote

Try to limit pre-meet conversations to 20 minutes.  No more than 1/2 hour.  Part of trick is to be fully present when you are talking but leave 'em wanting more.   Show that you are an active interesting person not somebody with hours of time to fill.  You want the relationship to be an addition to your life not a substitute for not having a life.  

I don't know, if it is going good that no need to set a time limit but yeah in general good to keep it short...you want to meet not have a phone buddy.  In fact if it is going so good you could talk for hours this is when you suggest meeting in person.   Simply love talking with her, want to continue the conversation, but get to doing it in person.

@IntBrowser

On flirting...if you are at a loss on how to do it at all, be careful...subtle over blatant when you try.  It's hard to do it well in person and even harder via text, etc.   A huge part of it is context and tone, let alone body language.   The reason I think it is hard to give examples is because good flirting is not crass or crude (so many men seem to think expressing their desire to F someone or how hot she is is good flirting).  Good flirting often turns on things in the moment, sly allusions that would not seem flirtatious but for the context.  Good flirting to me is never blunt, rather euphemisms, coy questions, and the like. 

You can certainly compliment someone on their look, but in my view that is actually hard to do in a way that is not simplistic, crude, objectifying in a bad way, or potentially vaguely critical.   If this is not familiar territory for you, best to not bring it up unless she brings it up in some way, like if she says you look good you can reply/bring it up as well.

There is certainly a place for direct statements of how hot she is, and your desire to get physical (how much a woman likes direct, indirect, crude or sly varies...but I generally err on the side of less crude), but they arise after some good flirting in my  view...frankly in my view they are best left until you have already engaged in some serious necking.  It is not like you need to say them to let her know, your actions together are already saying that, but for some reason it seems most folks like to hear it (including myself).

Edited by SumGuy
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SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted
48 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

For me, flirting has nothing to do with touching or sexual innuendos. It's all about excitement, animation and playfulness when talking about the most mundane events. If a guy even so much as hinted at sexual innuendo in an online chat before we established chemistry in person (and even then), I would be grossed out.

When I did OLD, I was looking for 2 things: a guy that set up a coffee/drink date early on and a guy who didn't mention anything sexual/used the word casual/talked about his ex wife/talked about drinking and partying. Talking about current events and cable guy drama would be perfect, as long as the in-person date was set. That more than enough shows your romantic intention.

Exactly

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IntBrowser Established Member

IntBrowser

Posted
  • Author
Posted
16 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Exactly.   If you know about the topic interesting things you found about it are good, avoid mansplaining especially to "correct" what the other person says.  If you know little about the topic and are interested can just say that, and ask them more about it, things you always wondered.  When talking more about something you are into passion is important but also some humility and ability to joke a little bit about it if you are way into it.

Agreed.  Although sharing one's cable company woes can be an ice breaker as we all have them, but it should not be an analytical conversation, and is a good segue into the humor of it all.  One can make jokes about how you miss old cable, a heavy duty string connected between two tin cans, reliable and higher data transfer rate...or make cultural references like to the South Park cable company episodes...sure there are other more modern examples...to turn it into more a bonding over the absurdity instead of analysis and whining...but good them after some humorous bonding to go more into a learn about her topics.    Since you are talking media could segue into asking about books, movies, shows, etc. she likes.  If you share a a common like, then there is a topic there. 

Not suggesting only have such conversations, it is also good to touch on more serious deal breakers at some point.  However, since those topics are a bit heavy and if you lead with them it can seem like a job interview the lighter topics, where you can have a back-n-forth conversation to establish report is key.  "Breaking the ice" is key and some cultures consider it rude if you do not.  All that being said, there are those who find it odd if you do not jump into what I call the job interview style. :) 

I don't know, if it is going good that no need to set a time limit but yeah in general good to keep it short...you want to meet not have a phone buddy.  In fact if it is going so good you could talk for hours this is when you suggest meeting in person.   Simply love talking with her, want to continue the conversation, but get to doing it in person.

@IntBrowser

On flirting...if you are at a loss on how to do it at all, be careful...subtle over blatant when you try.  It's hard to do it well in person and even harder via text, etc.   A huge part of it is context and tone, let alone body language.   The reason I think it is hard to give examples is because good flirting is not crass or crude (so many men seem to think expressing their desire to F someone or how hot she is is good flirting).  Good flirting often turns on things in the moment, sly allusions that would not seem flirtatious but for the context.  Good flirting to me is never blunt, rather euphemisms, coy questions, and the like. 

You can certainly compliment someone on their look, but in my view that is actually hard to do in a way that is not simplistic, crude, objectifying in a bad way, or potentially vaguely critical.   If this is not familiar territory for you, best to not bring it up unless she brings it up in some way, like if she says you look good you can reply/bring it up as well.

There is certainly a place for direct statements of how hot she is, and your desire to get physical (how much a woman likes direct, indirect, crude or sly varies...but I generally err on the side of less crude), but they arise after some good flirting in my  view...frankly in my view they are best left until you have already engaged in some serious necking.  It is not like you need to say them to let her know, your actions together are already saying that, but for some reason it seems most folks like to hear it (including myself).

well I cant learn without some type of example.   Years ago I was told by a woman I have no game.    Well that's probably true so I was never taught

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

well I cant learn without some type of example.   Years ago I was told by a woman I have no game.    Well that's probably true so I was never taught

That's not a bad thing. 

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