HiCrunchy Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 Hi, I wanted to make a new thread to address this issue that I brought up at the end of this thread: I 26F was seeing 24M for a little over 2 months now. He asked to be official bf/gf 2 weeks ago. I asked for a few days to make a decision bc I wanted to be sure about that decision. After a few days passed, I was sure that I wanted to move forward. Then when I tried to give him my answer, he told me it would make him feel better if I thought about it more. I told him this wouldn't change my answer, but thought about it more for a few more days so I was sure as sure can be. When I finally brought it up a second time, he basically broke things off. He told me his feelings had changed in the last week. He tells me the whole "its not you, its me" crap, and that he is too broken for me. He would always tell me that he didn't understand why I liked him, and that I could do so much better. Even when we "broke up" he said I needed to have higher standards for my partner. I did cry when he broke things off. I told him I didn't want this of course, and asked him to reach out to me if he changed his mind. He told me he will, but is trying to stick with his decisions. How can someone just flip like that? He brought up exclusivity but then 1.5 weeks later doesn't have feelings for me anymore???? I'm so lost. I am in No-contact now, but my heart is so broken. Before all of this, we just laughed and had fun. And I know it wasn't about sex bc we didn't even get physical until date 5. And had many platonic dates too. I am unsure of why this sudden change and if this is truly the end. I really don't want it to be bc for the first time in forever I actually thought I found someone I could be in happy relationship with. Im just so confused. Can someone help me understand? Maybe I should reach out? I told him he could reach out if he changes his mind but its been 2 days now and not a peep. He told me he will, but is trying to stick to his decisions now, not something he used to do. We used to text everyday and now silence sigh....
d0nnivain Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 When you didn't make a snap decision & had to think about it more, he knew you hadn't been thinking about it. If you had you would have known your own mind when he asked. Your request for time was viewed by him as rejection. It stung & it hurt his heart to the point where it killed his feelings for you. I suppose you could try chasing because he could probably use the reassurance but I'm not optimistic. 5
smackie9 Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 His got very hurt. Just leave him alone. If he contacts you, take it from there.
Author HiCrunchy Posted April 23, 2021 Author Posted April 23, 2021 I needed time bc he has a lot of mental health issues he deals with and I wanted to make sure I was prepared to be there for him. Also, in my last relationship I jumped in too quickly and got myself hurt. So I wanted to be careful, and he knew this too. Maybe what you say is true, but I didn't want to hurt him by making short-sighted choices. I thought I was trying to manage my impulsivity but failed to convey that. First relationship I jumped all in and got burned. And this one, I tried to be rational and also got burned. I can't seem to win lol. Anyways, the ball is in his court and I let him know I didn't want this breakup and he can reach out to me if he wants to reconsider. I don't know if there is more I can do or if I should reach out. I also don't want to smother him if he is really that sure, ya know? I don't know if contact is the right move here or not.
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 I am wondering why you needed time to think about his offer to be exclusive? It's not a commitment in any shape, it's simply dating each other while deciding if you want to be official bf/gf. 3
smackie9 Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 He has a lot of mental health issues....big red flag. Well there you have it. A guy that has nothing for coping skills which is common for people who have emotional struggles. You dodged a bullet. 2
Author HiCrunchy Posted April 23, 2021 Author Posted April 23, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: I am wondering why you needed time to think about his offer to be exclusive? It's not a commitment in any shape, it's simply dating each other while deciding if you want to be official bf/gf. For him - he explicitly stated it was a commitment. He wanted me to think about it with the future in mind.
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 1 minute ago, HiCrunchy said: First relationship I jumped all in and got burned. And this one, I tried to be rational and also got burned. I can't seem to win lol. See, being exclusive does not mean jumping all in. In my last relationship we were exclusive after a month (5 dates) and I only introduced him to my parents at 4 months dating. Commitment doesn't happen over night, it's something you build up as you date. 4
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 Just now, HiCrunchy said: For him - he explicitly stated it was a commitment. He wanted me to think about it with the future in mind. That was crazy to ask that of you after 2 months. 2 1
Author HiCrunchy Posted April 23, 2021 Author Posted April 23, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: That was crazy to ask that of you after 2 months. Well, thats why he wanted me to think about it hard. And I couldn't give him an answer right away. He knew I was okay with being exclusive (as in not seeing anyone else), but needed time to think about this
d0nnivain Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 Especially because you needed time to think about his mental health issues, issues he's probably very sensitive about, he felt rejected. I don't understand why you weren't thinking about exclusivity before he asked. While many of us may have cautioned you against bringing up the subject earlier than 2 months, it should have at least been on your mind. The idea that you were startled by the suggestion doesn't ring true. It was wrong for him to put too much future pressure on you. Being exclusive at 2 months is fine. That just means you weren't dating somebody else. To talk about a "future" together at this early stage is too much too fast. Here now, in April to commit beyond Memorial Day is over doing it. At this juncture you have no idea whether you would be together when summer was over. Forever is too far in the future & inappropriate 2 months in. Is that lack of understanding about cultural norms part of his mental heath issues? However, since you are heartbroken, I see no harm in contacting him & agreeing to exclusivity. If you contact him & he says no thanks, you are no worse off then you are now. You are broken up & you will stay broken up. But if you reach out there is a chance he'll say yes. What do you have to lose? However, you have to make it clear that this is not a marriage proposal or a promise for 'til death do us part. 2
glows Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 If you hesitated there's a reason for that. I think you need to trust your gut on this and don't reach out to him. If he reaches out to you, then you can decide and on shared terms how to go forward. This seems very extreme and rushed, also confusing with back and forth. If he has mental health issues he was warning you about, are they treated? Is he seeing someone to address them? 2
Author HiCrunchy Posted April 23, 2021 Author Posted April 23, 2021 Just now, glows said: If you hesitated there's a reason for that. I think you need to trust your gut on this and don't reach out to him. If he reaches out to you, then you can decide and on shared terms how to go forward. This seems very extreme and rushed, also confusing with back and forth. If he has mental health issues he was warning you about, are they treated? Is he seeing someone to address them? He has a therapist and is on meds for them.
Versacehottie Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I am wondering why you needed time to think about his offer to be exclusive? It's not a commitment in any shape, it's simply dating each other while deciding if you want to be official bf/gf. Agreed. It sounds like you were trying to stall or be cautious in order to line up some GUARANTEE that the relationship would be stable or better, when all the stall did was plant a seed of doubt. Idk, I feel like if you are dating and enjoying it, this is when you should leap and risk (not a ton at stake her TBH). The waiting to go over things in your mind for some type of assurance, which would be false assurance at BEST, is unnecessary and kind of drama/melancholy when there needn't be any. And it backfired--not that it was your intention, but I think you just need to get comfortable that the type of guarantee that you were looking to find with those few days, DOENS'T exist. And if anything, causes problems, just like it did. You need to tell yourself and KNOW that you will be ok no matter what. That's how you can live in the moment you are in rather than all this extra stuff. Good luck. ps i vote for do not contact. he didn't do anything wrong or either did you, but i think it's too broken, not enough there IMO 1
Versacehottie Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 11 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Commitment doesn't happen over night, it's something you build up as you date. Totally agree. Each of you weighted the decision so heavily because it's actually too big of a decision to be decided for a lot of people at that timeframe. Too heavy, without a real foundation, with what sounds like two people who don't really leap but think a lot. I think at two months in exclusive would have been fine. Or even calling each other bf/gf. What else do you really need to decide? Especially at this point. 2
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 15 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said: I needed time bc he has a lot of mental health issues he deals with and I wanted to make sure I was prepared to be there for him. And practically what did that involve? You are not his doctor or his shrink. You are very limited in what you can do to support him. 3
Author HiCrunchy Posted April 23, 2021 Author Posted April 23, 2021 6 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Totally agree. Each of you weighted the decision so heavily because it's actually too big of a decision to be decided for a lot of people at that timeframe. Too heavy, without a real foundation, with what sounds like two people who don't really leap but think a lot. I think at two months in exclusive would have been fine. Or even calling each other bf/gf. What else do you really need to decide? Especially at this point. I know, but in his mind he didn't want (exclusivity/bf&gf title) without the commitment. He was stern on that when I brought up
lana-banana Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 The larger point is if you can't communicate these things, you aren't suited for a relationship. Maybe you hurt his feelings by asking for more time, but he also put a lot of pressure on you for 2 months in. Dating is for determining whether you can get through big and small struggles together. If you can't, it's not a good relationship, and that's fine. Better to find that out now than a year down the road. 2
Author HiCrunchy Posted April 23, 2021 Author Posted April 23, 2021 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: And practically what did that involve? You are not his doctor or his shrink. You are very limited in what you can do to support him. One my spare time I did research on his issues and tried to be more understanding of where he was coming from. I also tried to learn more about supporting someone with this illness. I did tell him about this too. He told me he appreciated it. 1
Versacehottie Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 20 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said: I know, but in his mind he didn't want (exclusivity/bf&gf title) without the commitment. He was stern on that when I brought up Hmmmm, IMO you guys are splitting hairs. Exclusive is on the way to bf/gf soooooo and it is all a level of commitment. He, at least, is getting super caught up in these definitions when if he stopped doing that what you guys are "doing" is exactly what he was asking for: a commitment where you only date each other that is headed for bf/gf. It's all basically the same. I definitely think people are making it unnecessarily complicated with a lot of that stuff that went on here. Acting like he's ordering a girlfriend on the internet and wants to CONFIRM that you come with all the features he's expecting. It's stupid and silly. Better off without him then.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 1 hour ago, HiCrunchy said: Hi, I wanted to make a new thread to address this issue that I brought up at the end of this thread: I 26F was seeing 24M for a little over 2 months now. He asked to be official bf/gf 2 weeks ago. I asked for a few days to make a decision bc I wanted to be sure about that decision. After a few days passed, I was sure that I wanted to move forward. Then when I tried to give him my answer, he told me it would make him feel better if I thought about it more. I told him this wouldn't change my answer, but thought about it more for a few more days so I was sure as sure can be. When I finally brought it up a second time, he basically broke things off. He told me his feelings had changed in the last week. He tells me the whole "its not you, its me" crap, and that he is too broken for me. He would always tell me that he didn't understand why I liked him, and that I could do so much better. Even when we "broke up" he said I needed to have higher standards for my partner. I did cry when he broke things off. I told him I didn't want this of course, and asked him to reach out to me if he changed his mind. He told me he will, but is trying to stick with his decisions. How can someone just flip like that? He brought up exclusivity but then 1.5 weeks later doesn't have feelings for me anymore???? I'm so lost. I am in No-contact now, but my heart is so broken. Before all of this, we just laughed and had fun. And I know it wasn't about sex bc we didn't even get physical until date 5. And had many platonic dates too. I am unsure of why this sudden change and if this is truly the end. I really don't want it to be bc for the first time in forever I actually thought I found someone I could be in happy relationship with. Im just so confused. Can someone help me understand? Maybe I should reach out? I told him he could reach out if he changes his mind but its been 2 days now and not a peep. He told me he will, but is trying to stick to his decisions now, not something he used to do. We used to text everyday and now silence sigh.... Never tell someone who has rejected you that you'll keep the door open for them in case they change their mind. Make the person marry their decision and feel the stark contrast between having you and NOT having you. What you've basically told him is that he can try his luck with other women and if he's not successful, you'll be waiting for him like a lost puppy. Your response should have been a simple, "Thanks for letting me know. Good luck in life." This shows you're high value, have other options and have high self-esteem. You can break down and cry with your friends, but a man you're only dating should never feel he's the end all and be all of your romantic life. Do not reach out. That would be begging for a crumb, quite frankly. He needs to wonder what your doing and who you're with in order to miss you. If you're calling and messaging, you leave no space for him to miss you. Only if he misses your presence in his life will he consider changing his mind. 1
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 28 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said: One my spare time I did research on his issues and tried to be more understanding of where he was coming from. I also tried to learn more about supporting someone with this illness. I did tell him about this too. He told me he appreciated it. That sounds VERY heavy. This man is putting his mental illnesses in the forefront of his dating life, looking for a girlfriend that will participate in keeping him leveled & supported. Something doesn't sound right to me. I think your mental illness should be something you are in charge of, something that is *aside* that you are responsible of on your own, not something you dump on your new girlfriend's lap. 3
Author HiCrunchy Posted April 23, 2021 Author Posted April 23, 2021 9 minutes ago, Gaeta said: That sounds VERY heavy. This man is putting his mental illnesses in the forefront of his dating life, looking for a girlfriend that will participate in keeping him leveled & supported. Something doesn't sound right to me. I think your mental illness should be something you are in charge of, something that is *aside* that you are responsible of on your own, not something you dump on your new girlfriend's lap. To be fair he didn't make me do this. But yeah, I guess I should just let it go.
Author HiCrunchy Posted April 23, 2021 Author Posted April 23, 2021 I guess, my question is what to do? Do I give it time and reach out or see if he reaches out to me?
introverted1 Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 8 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said: I guess, my question is what to do? Do I give it time and reach out or see if he reaches out to me? Do nothing. You've already told him he can reach out if he changes his mind (not what I would have advocated saying, but it's done), so the ball is firmly in his court. Nothing for you to do except take of yourself and get back in the dating pool when you are ready. 4
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