About ready to give up on these dates

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face lol when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could anyone not be stung by that experience? 

Hon, I was totally devoted to my boyfriend for 5 years, I took his hand and did everything for him to have his work permit, student permit and his permanent residency. I made a Canadian out of him, and after 5 years I found him on several dating sites sleeping around with everything that moved. If I can get over that, you can get over your last breakup. 

You need to put your story into perspective. It was a 6 months relationship 3 years ago. You need to move on. ALL OF US, have a story to move on from. 

[Redguitar35]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Then those are terrible prospects who are not nice people. 

When I was dating I preferred that a man who asked me on a date picked the location & activity.  It gave me a sense of him.  I tend to have expensive tastes & never wanted somebody to assume I was a gold digger or snooty.  

In fact the man who is now my husband picked a terrible place & day for our 1st date.  We went to a cheap Mexican place on a Monday. I was convinced it was because he didn't care.  He thought he stepped up his game by selecting that place. I didn't share my disappointment aloud with anybody.  Instead I planned & paid for the 2nd date at a venue I preferred.  

Have a go - to activity / venue where you are comfortable doing something you enjoy.  It will help you be more relaxed on the date.  Just because you do the activity a lot (if you have several 1st dates), the ladies in Q don't need to know they aren't the only person you ever took there.  Plus if it's something you enjoy you can have a bit of fun even if the date doesn't work out.  

 

We did that though. I thought it’d be fun to go to the outlet mall. And everyone’s poo pooing all over that date idea. As if there was a better thing to do? 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

I was in one relationship that lasted six months about three years ago, and then got dumped very abruptly, two weeks before Christmas. I find out she's engaged to the man of her dreams and she blogs about how it was love at first sight. After I put a crap load of effort into that relationship.

How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face lol when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could anyone not be stung by that experience? 

Most of us have been hurt by a loved one at some point, OP. It's not a question of not being stung by that. I said that in one of your other threads as well. Nobody has suggested that should not have hurt you. 

It's the fact that you're still clearly nursing that bittness and pain 3 years on that is your biggest problem. Until you learn to deal with that and move on, you won't find a healthy relationship and you'll continue to be mad at womankind. 

 

[d0nnivain]

7 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

We did that though. I thought it’d be fun to go to the outlet mall. And everyone’s poo pooing all over that date idea. As if there was a better thing to do? 

in Covid you have to get creative.   It's not the most romantic date but it might be fun.  

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

And everyone’s poo pooing all over that date idea. As if there was a better thing to do? 

The place was fine. When 2 people click it doesn't matter where they meet. Once I made plan on meeting a man at a starbuck, we got there it was closed, the coffee shop across the street was closed, the only thing that was open was a subway fast food!! We ended up having a great laugh, and a great time, we dated an entire year. 

Edited April 23, 2021 by Gaeta

[dramafreezone]

On 4/22/2021 at 6:25 PM, Redguitar35 said:

I went on a date with a woman. We went shopping for a while, I picked out something for her that she loved, we went back to my house, played a few board games, ate a pizza, then she went on home. Haven't heard anything from her since then. She didn't follow up saying she had a good time or any of that. This is why I hate dates, I don't know what women expect me to do on them. It seems everyone has this date fantasy of something outrageous like being taken skydiving or whatever else Christian Grey or James Bond do in those movies. 

I took this board's advice to try dates instead of just one night stands, even though I said I hate dates. And I'm no more satisfied than before. I'm done with dating. 

Sincerely, 

Red Guitar

 

You're taking a woman shopping for a first date?  Playing board games?  This is all wrong.  You should hire a dating coach, because I don't know how else you're going to change your behavior unless you invest money into it.  You come on here and all I see is you repeating the same behavior and aren't accepting any responsibility for the outcome.   I think she will call you back though, when she needs a new purse.  But not her fault, you're enabling that behavior.  You buy stuff for GIRLFRIENDS, and even then only for special occasions.

What's wrong with coffee or a drink?  For a first date you don't have to do anything amazing.  You don't even know if you like this person.  It's just about seeing if there's chemistry.

You need to start taking things seriously.  You went to university or trade school when you wanted to learn a skill or field of study.  You need to take some actual steps to improve your love life, by investing money in someone to teach you skills and retrain your brain.  You're not just going to learn it on your own at this point.

Edited April 24, 2021 by dramafreezone

[d0nnivain]

39 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

 

You're taking a woman shopping for a first date?  Playing board games?  This is all wrong. 

What's wrong with it?  There is a pandemic going on.   Many places are locked down.  You can play a board game outside with a mask on.  Sounds like a responsible creative date to me. 

[dramafreezone]

29 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

What's wrong with it?  There is a pandemic going on.   Many places are locked down.  You can play a board game outside with a mask on.  Sounds like a responsible creative date to me. 

He went out shopping, apparently things are more open where he is.

I would prefer coffee or a drink, something simple and honestly something where either of us could cut it short if the chemistry's not there.  I'm not into board games, seems like a very odd choice when you don't even know the person.

[Gaeta]

Where l am shopping malls are open but restaurants and coffee shops have been closed for a year. 

Maybe they played board games because she said she liked it. 

She enjoyed his company enough to follow him to his place.

OP, why do you wait for her to follow up with you? She might be on a forum now asking why you did not contact her following your first meeting.

[glows]

It's between the OP and his date so if they chose to go to the mall and partake that's their choice. The issue is that Red is upset that she hasn't said anything after that. I don't think she has to but if you feel so put off, then forget her. Move on and date someone else who jives with you a lot more. 

Maybe you two had a great first meet up and the rest was not very memorable. Dust yourself off and move on if you're that annoyed with her.

OR, pull up your boot straps and just ask her out again.

[prince0fgame]

On 4/22/2021 at 9:25 PM, Redguitar35 said:

I went on a date with a woman. We went shopping for a while, I picked out something for her that she loved, we went back to my house, played a few board games, ate a pizza, then she went on home. Haven't heard anything from her since then. She didn't follow up saying she had a good time or any of that. This is why I hate dates, I don't know what women expect me to do on them. It seems everyone has this date fantasy of something outrageous like being taken skydiving or whatever else Christian Grey or James Bond do in those movies. 

I took this board's advice to try dates instead of just one night stands, even though I said I hate dates. And I'm no more satisfied than before. I'm done with dating. 

Sincerely, 

Red Guitar

Dating is not natural.

Nature created us to exist in tribes. And in tribes natural chemistry and sexual tension takes place. Serendipity takes place. Serendipity is created by nature.

If you want true serendipity, develop hobbies that have women in it (yoga, fitness, dance, etc). And just enjoy life to the fullest and be yourself. Do you remember when you were in high school/college and never had to "date" but always found romance? Or rather, romance found you?

The natural chemistry will find you in shared social environments. The chemistry cannot find you in dating apps. It is an algorithm created by nerds. 

Edited April 24, 2021 by prince0fgame

[Versacehottie]

10 hours ago, glows said:

It's between the OP and his date so if they chose to go to the mall and partake that's their choice. The issue is that Red is upset that she hasn't said anything after that. I don't think she has to but if you feel so put off, then forget her. Move on and date someone else who jives with you a lot more. 

Maybe you two had a great first meet up and the rest was not very memorable. Dust yourself off and move on if you're that annoyed with her.

OR, pull up your boot straps and just ask her out again.

Yeah the venue/type of date is so far down the list of problems if the OP is bringing that attitude/victim vibe with him on whichever date.  None will be successful until he turns that around.

I mean the victimy vibe is playing out in the aftermath of the date because now he's in limbo about what to do next.  Dude, if you like her, contact her. It's simple.  You are weighting yourself down with sh*t that happened 3 years ago.  I don't get why you want to ruin your life like that when each new date is a NEW opportunity.  

ps and please don't wail the story of what happened 3 years ago at me and how unfair it was.  I know the story. While it was unfortunate, lots of people go through similar things all the time.  Your reaction to it and that it's still pervading your life 3 years later and every dating occurrence is not a healthy or normal reaction to this "slight".   Unless you finally admit to yourself that your actions/reactions lie outside the norm, you will continue to have problems.  Sorry, it's just the truth.  I'm sure you feel some comfort in continuing to complain and wallow in this hurt & anger otherwise you wouldn't do it.  Time to get out of it now.

[Beachead]

Hey @Redguitar35

20 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

I was in one relationship that lasted six months about three years ago, and then got dumped very abruptly, two weeks before Christmas. I find out she's engaged to the man of her dreams and she blogs about how it was love at first sight. After I put a crap load of effort into that relationship.

How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face lol when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could anyone not be stung by that experience? 

You're heartbroken. 

I know how you feel man.  My experiences are different, but I understand.

The messed up thing is relationships can end without it being our fault. I  We can go out on dates.  Have several month relationships, several year relationshps, long marriages.  Give our best.   Tell our best jokes. Listen and give our best wisdom.  Be the best person we could have ever been...and STILL get thrown into the trash bin.  Not because we did something wrong.  But because they're a mess.  Sometimes this is the case.  It's not always your fault.   Maybe, they're not over their ex and they rushed into the dating apps to escape the pain/loneliness of the breakup or to make said ex, jealous.  Or maybe they're just dipping their toes in the water and seeing how they feel about being with someone new.  All wrong reasons which lead to someone getting hurt.   Your best doesn't stop people from having their own problems and struggles and pasts that impact their behaviour and choices which ultimately impact the people around them..just like how what your ex did impacted you.

How could you possibly have any control over that?   You don't..yet it affects you doesn't it?  And it's  not so much them that's hard to grieve, but the amount of time, energy and YOU that you put into it, that you can never really get back..all because of circumstances that were out of your control.

And it's a whole other animal when you have to go through this and continue to see seemingly happy couples in real life, in the media and all over social media..who are either engaged, married, expecting kids, buying houses, cars and moving away.  All inadvertedly shoving that "This is how it should be" lifestyle up your a** and picking at the insecurities.  Constant reminders of something you might desire but struggle to achieve only because of conditions out of your control.

Advice

Dating demands investment without attachment.  It is a lot of giving, and it can be brutal and cold and one-sided and unforgiving..and here you are trying to do this thing, while absolutely depleted.  You've got no love left in the tank anymore because it's all been burned away by your environment.  And I bet that is impacting other aspects of your life as well.  Maybe your career, education, your relationshp with family, friends or other people who actually do care about you . When you lose your well-being, you stop having a positive impact on the people around you..including yourself.   And since everything these days requires forming relationships with people to some degree or another, it only means it will impact anything that involves them..including your career, your education and everything else etc.   

What happened to you wasn't your fault but the anger and pain you feel going forward, will blind you from living your best life and that will be.  Do right for yourself by making the right moves for you.

Stop dating for awhile.  Hold onto what you have left right now so that you can give it all back to yourself.  Turn your focus inwards and start brainstorming through things you can do that make you feel good.  Something just for you.  

For me, that "something" was Teaching piano.  Learning guitar.  Learning more about musical theory and other styles so that I could apply it to composing music.  Later on, I added Wildlife photography to it.  Whenever I feel low, I got a endless supply of things to turn to as a result.  To dive into.  And when I do, I forget the rest of the world, because I'm having such a good time doing what I'm doing and I grow and get better at it.  It's not only a confidence booster, it's a healer and it brings you the kind of happiness and respect you can't get from anyone else..self-happiness and self-respect...and that translates to everything.  Including dating.  

If you got questions. I'll answer.  Take care of yourself

- Beach

Edited April 24, 2021 by Beachead

[Alpacalia]

Maybe when you're feeling a bit better and ready to get back out there, and you don't want to become a woman's shopping rack for the evening, how about something like a bookstore? It can allow you to learn a lot about each other, and then you can take your mutually purchased books to a cafe. 

They usually have boardgames at bookstores too.

[Redguitar35]

15 hours ago, prince0fgame said:

Dating is not natural.

Nature created us to exist in tribes. And in tribes natural chemistry and sexual tension takes place. Serendipity takes place. Serendipity is created by nature.

If you want true serendipity, develop hobbies that have women in it (yoga, fitness, dance, etc). And just enjoy life to the fullest and be yourself. Do you remember when you were in high school/college and never had to "date" but always found romance? Or rather, romance found you?

The natural chemistry will find you in shared social environments. The chemistry cannot find you in dating apps. It is an algorithm created by nerds. 

There are no "shared social environment" anymore because of the pandemic. COVID kills bars, musical events, yoga, etc. Plus I don't want to go to those events just to meet women. I am an introvert who never liked going to those places. Besides, I did those events for years and it never went anywhere. 

Edited April 24, 2021 by Redguitar35

[Stupidkupid]

I'm a generally introverted woman.

When I was dating what I wanted was to be somewhere I felt safe. That was my first thing.

My second was a date where someone had really considered what we both might enjoy. By asking, usually.

But if she doesn't like you when she meets you, thats it. There are millions and men and millions of women out there. It was a date. I went on probably 20-30 first dates ans only a handful ever got a second date.

If a guy creeped me out or made me feel off then I would never contact him again. If the date was okay but I wasn't feeling it, then I didn't see the point in following up. Didn 't expect them to, either. If they did contact me then I would politely tell them I wasn't interested.

Once a guy asked me what he had done that he could change and I did answer but explained that I can only answer from my own perspective, that other women he dated may feel differently.

OP you have to remember this is dating. Its one date. Expect to have bad dates. Expect to have good dates but where the other person doesn't feel the same way. Be open and kind and just patient. Don't put too much emphasis on firat dates other than seeing if there is mutual connection

Edited April 24, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[SumGuy]

On 4/23/2021 at 6:21 AM, Redguitar35 said:

What do these women want to do for dates? You ask them what they want to do and they think it’s the mans job to come up with ideas. Just so they can turn around and complain to their girlfriends that it was a boring date. 

I don't get the mystery.  They want to get to know you.  Different women want to know different things, but in general a few drinks and conversation is sufficient for a first date.

Can't think I ever went shopping as a date, board games sound fun, pizza and a movie sounds very chill more like after you know someone.  Generally do not think movies are a good date until you are a thing because you are watching the movie and not talking...unless you both like to talk during the movie.

Thing is, even with the best idea many time you are just not going to click with each other, that is what a date is for after all; there is not magical formula that guarantees success.

[Phallacy]

I feel ya bro.

It’s hard not to have any expectations and appear positive.

I’ve dated enough that I don’t tolerate what I call micro aggressions.

Last week I had 3 dud dates -

#1 ranted about her cheating soon to be ex and wanted to hear about my 2 divorces. 
Bonding over baggage doesn’t work

#2 Just entered the dating scene and was excited about the alimony and house she got in the divorce. She was quick to ask for a food menu even though I said it was an invite for a glass of wine...

New folks dating often have ADD.

Now you could argue I shouldn’t date currently separated but sometimes the currently separated just want a shagging

#3 parked at the venue but wanted me to text her what I looked like before she got out of her car. Now why would you meet someone if you couldn’t remember my photos?! 
 

Edited April 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Dis]

On 4/23/2021 at 3:54 PM, Redguitar35 said:

 

How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face lol when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could anyone not be stung by that experience? 

The dude who I walked in on cheating on me posted about his new fiance (a friend showed it to me)

 

I didn't think he was "rubbing it in my face" 

 

Things happen. You just need to brush that chip off your shoulder and try to enjoy dating...and if you can't maybe you need to take a break