Getting ex back - already had contact again

[LoveIdiot]

Hi all,

lets see if there is a way how I can get another chance with my former girl. Lets call her Anna. We are both mid 30s.

Briefly what happened:

I met Anna on a party early in 2020. We started dating a little while later and immediatly made out on our first meeting and then continued to have sex and just enjoy each others compary.

I was in a bad spot psychologically back then and so was she. Anna has a child and broke off the (very bad) relationship with the father of her child a couple of months ago. Throughout dating her she always seemed rather insecure about things. Initially I tried to reason with her calmly, but in my memories it didnt work and at some point I got really annoyed and due to being in a bad psychological spot back then I was not willing to find peaceful agreements and we had many arguments. I was rather tense back then, so the whole breakup is mostly my fault.

We dated on and off for about 6-7 months I believe. She broke up in mid october 2020. Then we had no contact for ~5 months, then I contacted her again.

She has someone new now though.

She recently had Corona and I brought her over some stuff and put it in front of her door during her quarantine, however, when I brought her some flower she told me this was going to far, despite her being flattered.

Then I backed off, told her that this hurt but basically that I respect her decision and would see in the future after a while if a friendship was possible.

But she kept contacting me nonetheless, so I believe this was her rational mind and not her emotions speaking.

We recently met again, had a walk to her garden and talked for a bit. Eventually she started saying stuff like "it would not work, the arguments we had would come up again". Then we held hands and hugged each other, I communicated that I really like her still and would love to have another shot basically. Also that I do not believe this would occur again. So She is very doubtful that the same issues would not arise again, albeit she already noticed some changes, but is still rather unsure. Notice though that I am getting and got psychological help throughout the last year (she knows) and thus am rather certain that this will not happen again because I realized why I felt the anger I felt back then.

We went back to her place eventually and cuddled and eventually kissed for a bit. Same thing occured the next day, but she told me she could not have me behind the other guys back. Yesterday night she told me how some part of her still missed me and she wished I had been like I am today back then.

Now I am here and wonder what the best approach would be here. I am not sure if I have a chance. I am certain, if she was certain about my psychological changes, she would give me another chance. However, I understand that from her perspective this is a high risk. She told me to give her some space and a bit of time, but I think she was just a polite way of saying "no".

However, at night she again wrote me how she would like to share the sadness and how we would have had a chance if I had acted differently last year. I am not sure what to make of it.

Any help? Most importantly, what is the optimal contact strategy? My  Idea was to reduce the contact, e.g. writing perhaps once at night or something so that she can feel the loosening of our connection.

I hope I conveyed all the key information.

 

Edited April 22, 2021 by LoveIdiot

[d0nnivain]

Going backwards in life is rarely a good idea.  At best you were a rebound for her, being fresh out of a prior relationship.  She still has a child & she is still insecure.  The issues that broke you up have never been addressed let alone fixed so you would simply be returning to something that you already know doesn't work. 

Now she has a new BF but is basically cheating on him with you.  Add infidelity & lack of loyalty to her flaws  Remember if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.  

Listen to her when she tells you that this won't work.  On some level she has better insight into this than you do.  

[LoveIdiot]

Thanks!

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Remember if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you

Now I know this position and honestly would usually share it, but if you have a sufficient connection and "status" this is not necessarily true. The BF she has now might not suit her as well as I do. She mentioned feeling a special kind of connection even across the distance. I kind of agree. Yes this could happen in the future, but I'd like to find out tbh.

 

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The issues that broke you up have never been addressed let alone fixed so you would simply be returning to something that you already know doesn't work

I partly disagree. My own issues have mostly been fixed. Her issues according to her, too. While there is no guarantee it would work out of course I believe the starting conditions are vastly better with respect to mental health.

 

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Going backwards in life is rarely a good idea

True, I agree.

 

Nonetheless, I believe I will keep on trying for a few weeks, I can still stop then. So what is the optimal approach to achieve my goal?

[d0nnivain]

8 minutes ago, LoveIdiot said:

So what is the optimal approach to achieve my goal?

I'm a direct person so I'd probably lay my cards on the table & talk to her, in person, over video or on the phone but NOT in text.  I can't stress that enough but I'd say something like

I enjoyed walking in the garden with you the other day.  Given all the changes we have both made in our lives, I'd like to try again.  Why don't you wrap things up with the other guy & give me a call when you are free. I'd love to take you [out to dinner]. 

I put the activity in brackets because I don't know what's an option in the lockdowns where you are.  You also have to make it clear that her being with you is contingent on her being single & available.  Don't agree to be the OM  

[LoveIdiot]

Thanks, perhaps that is a good one. I do not want to be the other man I made that explicit to her I think.

 

But else you would entirely stop the contact?

[spiderowl]

It sounds like she is not sure of the guy she is dating and she still likes you.  However, she does not trust you.  Being angry with her can mean lots of things: it can range from natural irritation to scary, threatening-type anger.  Only you know what it was.

Maybe she was toying with the idea of whether it could work again with you but she has decided not.  She is not willing to risk going back to the place you were both in, regardless of what therapy you have both had in the interim.

I think she is going to want you hanging around in the wings so that she has someone close.  This is not going to suit you because you want more.  If you hang around waiting for her to change her mind, it will become very demoralising.  Basically, you have a choice, wait around and see what happens, be at her mercy, or make a positive change and forge ahead with your own life and leave her behind.

No contact after your break up will help you to disengage from her.  You can't cope with being friends only so don't put yourself through that.

[LoveIdiot]

Thank you for your input.

It was "natural irritation" I would say. I am not an aggressive person, however, I felt like I was unjustified attacked by her several times and became increasingly annoyed as I also felt I could not reach her using rational arguments. We never gave each other an inch in these arguments. E.g. once we met on sunday and I told her I had to leave about 6 pm to do some work stuff. However it ended up being 8 pm and as I looked at the watch I realized how late it was and said something like "oh no its so late again damn" and she told me "dont make this evening sound bad now" which I could not understand back then as I only stayed late because it was so nice. However, I realize nowadays I should have comforted her about how I felt back then. Nevertheless I did not and instead became very annoyed as I felt it was another unjustified attack. These sort of things, unjustified attacks by someone I feel I do not reach using logic are difficult for me.

 

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Maybe she was toying with the idea of whether it could work again with you but she has decided not.

Yeah, but she keeps sending signals in my opinion. There were several occasions in our conversations (Whatsapp) where I thought "ok thats it I will stop contacting her", but she always came back with something. Just recently, on friday, she sent me many many messages and voice messages including something like "I was around your place at a playground btw (with her kid) and felt you would be around" which I read as "I intentionally came here as I knew the chance of meeting you was high". Additionally I told her I was busy in the evening and had to clean my kitchen. Eventually she asked me whether I had a date or not. When I did not respond she send me another message like "???" regarding the date.

This is something you do not write if you are not interested in my opinion.

 

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I think she is going to want you hanging around in the wings so that she has someone close

You mean in the sense of a backup guy? It is possible, I agree.

 

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Basically, you have a choice, wait around and see what happens, be at her mercy, or make a positive change and forge ahead with your own life and leave her behind.

 Yeah, however, I realized the ONLY way to "win" this situation is to just do my thing and on to create a new spark between me and her if the opportunity arises . However, this has to be done without try harding, else it will just appear needy.

 

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No contact after your break up will help you to disengage from her.  You can't cope with being friends only so don't put yourself through that.

I know you are right once I decided this has no reasonable chance. However, I am not yet at this point and I do not feel that great of an impact on me emotionally at the moment.

Depending on how much it burdens me and how long this situation stays like this I will end this earlier or later.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, LoveIdiot said:

Just recently, on friday, she sent me many many messages and voice messages including something like "I was around your place at a playground btw (with her kid) and felt you would be around" which I read as "I intentionally came here as I knew the chance of meeting you was high". Additionally I told her I was busy in the evening and had to clean my kitchen. Eventually she asked me whether I had a date or not. When I did not respond she send me another message like "???" regarding the date.

So why didn't you answer honestly or were you just trying to wind her up?
 I guess that did not do your case any favours...

[LoveIdiot]

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 I guess that did not do your case any favours...

You think? Why? I answered her after she asked me again. Its none of her business though, I do not ask if she is out with her guy either. I was cooking with a friend that is all.

Edited April 27, 2021 by LoveIdiot

[elaine567]

16 minutes ago, LoveIdiot said:

You think? Why? I answered her after she asked me again. Its none of her business though, I do not ask if she is out with her guy either. I was cooking with a friend that is all.

Ok so why not say that? Why are you trying to stir things up.
Surely if you are trying to show things are going to be different then being secretive and stroppy will not really help.

Edited April 27, 2021 by elaine567

[LoveIdiot]

15 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Ok so why not say that? Why are you trying to stir things up.
Surely if are trying to show things are going to be different then being secretive and stroppy will not really help.

You assume alot about how I responded. Did you read my chats? Or do I misunderstand "stroppy"?

From my perspective, making her think that it could be a date is reasonable in my opinion as it will play to her emotions. All I did was to tell her I had to prepare my kitchen while I did it and I was getting company later. Note however, I nicely responded to her after she asked again, so please tone it down, thank you.

 

Edited April 27, 2021 by LoveIdiot

[elaine567]

By stroppy I  meant your retort that it was none of her business...
IF you are trying to get her back and she is wanting to maybe get back with you, then of course it is her business...

You dating other women would be a sure sign you have lost interest in her... or you are playing some stupid game...

 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/22/2021 at 6:33 AM, LoveIdiot said:

We dated on and off for about 6-7 months.She has someone new now though.

 she started saying stuff like "it would not work, the arguments we had would come up again". 

Unfortunately there are a lot of red flags. On/off means unresolved incompatibilities, drama and a lot of headaches and heartaches.

The other huge red flag is she is with someone.

She's told you straight up that "it wouldn't work".

There is no "strategy" here. You'll need to step back. For your own peace of mind. Stop contacting her or leaving gifts or showing up.

 

Edited April 27, 2021 by Wiseman2

[LoveIdiot]

I see your point and thank you for clearing things up.

 

In my opinion it is like this:

I explicitly and multiple times, shortly before this small incidence on friday occured made it very clear that I wanted her to be my gf and for me to be her bf. I asked her to go on a biking trip or to picnic with me (a friend of mine proposed this idea) on thursday, however she declined nicely and I accepted that also nicely.

While I have little interest in seeing other women at the moment, I do not see why this would be a sure sign I had lost interest. I cannot/should not put my life on stop just for a chance in x months for things to work out. I would really like to be with her again, but I realize the odds are against me and it was (mostly) my fault, no doubt. Her dating someone else does not mean she has lost interest either.

So what do you suggest? I will at least briefly meet her tomorrow or maybe tonight, I believe I have to be just myself and things will work out because she likes me or, if not, then thats that.

Ah this situation sucks.

 

edit:

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There is no "strategy" here. You'll need to step back. For your own peace of mind. Stop contacting her or leaving gifts or showing up.

Alright, I did this a few times but she contacted me again those times and brought up past issues or just hit me up. This is not onesided.

Edited April 27, 2021 by LoveIdiot

[Acacia98]

As far as I'm concerned, you've already laid your cards on the table, @LoveIdiot. She knows what you want. If she's interested in pursuing things, she will first have to end the relationship she's in and then take some time off relationships for her own sake. Jumping right into a relationship with you while still with this guy or immediately after ending things with this guy would be disastrous. So your best bet is to completely back off and let her decide what she wants and act on it.

Right now, I think she's just playing games with you. She's  enjoying the attention, it's making her feel good about herself, but she's not interested in dramatically changing her life for you. She says and does enough to give you hope (so that you can continue saying all those nice things) but she simultaneously says she's not interested. When you eventually figure out you've been wasting your time and get angry with her, she will simply point out to you that she was honest from the beginning. And she will be right.

Edited April 27, 2021 by Acacia98

[LoveIdiot]

I thank you all, I just went to get something to drink and I have to agree with basically everyone here. I will tell her the next time I see her (or if our meeting does not occur by phone) that I will not contact her again and she should not contact me again until she decides she wants to gives us another chance (and is not with another guy).

@Acacia98

Yes, I fear you are right (she is playing with me). I even give her the benefit of the doubt that she is not doing it consciously.

Albeit I have to praise myself a little here, I am not the guy to get angry if I realized I wasted my time. This would then be my own fault and it is me to blame.

Alright, thank you again.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, LoveIdiot said:

From my perspective, making her think that it could be a date is reasonable in my opinion as it will play to her emotions. All I did was to tell her I had to prepare my kitchen while I did it and I was getting company later. Note however, I nicely responded to her after she asked again, so please tone it down, thank you.

Sorry but that was not reasonable IMO.  You were actively baiting her, trying to make her jealous by not answering the Q.  You wanted her to think you had a date.  The impulse is understandable but there is an element of gamesmanship here.  You wanted her to think she wasn't the only woman in your life hoping that would cause her to dump the guy she is seeing & rush into your arms (at least figuratively in the moment).  

Following through with your plan to ask her to refrain from contacting you until she's single & ready to give your relationship another shot is the best course.  

[LoveIdiot]

Fair enough!

[Alfano]

11 hours ago, LoveIdiot said:

From my perspective, making her think that it could be a date is reasonable in my opinion as it will play to her emotions. 

You cannot effectively manipulate a person into wanting to be with you. It might work in the short term but it's not going to stick.

 

[Alfano]

To expand on my post above, the whole "make your dumper ex jealous by making it seem like you've got plans with someone else" is not only manipulative (and deceptive if not actually true) but it's also transparent. Especially if you do manage to woo her back albeit briefly, and she ultimately discovers you haven't actually dated anyone and it becomes apparent that you stooped to desperate measures. Desperation is extremely unattractive, possibly worse than deception.

 

[LoveIdiot]

1 hour ago, Alfano said:

You cannot effectively manipulate a person into wanting to be with you. It might work in the short term but it's not going to stick.

 

Its true, but in that situation that was all that was necessary, albeit it was not some "large scheme" i made up but rather the impulse of the moment when I realized how it must sound to her, so I just waited a little till I resolved it, see my other post. 

 

Final update:

I met up with her and told her that I will not continue like this and that I still want her, but she should clear things up and she knows where I live. We cuddled  intensively and made out intensively again, she had to cry at the end and told me she liked me too, but at the moment she would just make accusations against me if we were together. 

Lets see what happens, my friends think chances are good that eventually she will return to me. I will not contact her again of course.  

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, LoveIdiot said:

... at the moment she would just make accusations against me if we were together. 

Lets see what happens, my friends think chances are good that eventually she will return to me. I will not contact her again of course.  

Personally I think it is done.
The problem with a "bad" history is that it cannot be erased.
You being a better person now will not erase the person that you were.
She will remember every argument, she will remember how she felt then and why she broke up with you and won't want to go there again. 

She is kind of tempted, as you want her back and that is flattering, but her head is telling her a flat NO.
My advice is to forget her and find another.
Next time try your best to not mess up, get your head in order, as messing up is rarely forgiven, second chances are very rare.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, LoveIdiot said:

Told her that I will not continue like this and that I still want her, but she should clear things up and she knows where I live. 

Unfortunately dragging a breakup out like this can get as messy as you are describing.

You keep telling her the door is open, etc. That's kind of gratuitous. And sort of begging dressed up.

Yes, no contact is a good idea. But not as one of those "get your ex back" gimmicks, but as a tool for you to move forward.

[LoveIdiot]

Alright, thank you! I will stay firm with the no contact, she already contacted me again telling me it felt differently (in a positive way) yesterday.

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but her head is telling her a flat NO.

True, I have to stay firm. WIsh me luck^^

[d0nnivain]

Just now, LoveIdiot said:

I will stay firm with the no contact, she already contacted me again telling me it felt differently (in a positive way) yesterday.

Point of information:  if she has the ability to talk to you or communicate with you in any way, you are NOT no contact.   NC means just that -- there is no way for either of you to have any interaction: no texts, no social media, not talking, no smoke signals, no nothing. 

What you are doing is playing a game.  You are sitting on your hands waiting for her to reach out to you.  Patience does have certain virtues,  Here you have hopefully given her the ultimatum that she has to dump the new guy & come back to you or you don't want to talk  but by entertaining her chat about how it felt different without her formally telling you that she is free to date you, you remain stuck in a holding pattern where she's pulling all the strings.