Is asking for a guys height a bad thing?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Cora, your responses to everyone are so humble, kind and sweet. I believe you're going to meet a man who is deserving of your authenticity and kindness and will recognize he's found a jewel in you.  You are fortunate when you're ghosted by some of these jerks you seem to be meeting! It only takes one good guy, remember!

[Beachead]

@Cora

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Well he’s now saying things like wanting to come over to my place and how much he’s attracted to me and wants my body.  A complete 180! 

Well, I'll tell you this much. You only exposed something in him that was already there. 

Btw, with you, it's a lack of confidence.  Not believing you're good enough to hold someone's interest.  That you are incapable of being loved.  But you are.  You just don't see it because of the crappy environment you've been in.  Unfortunately nobody here or out there can make you see it.  It's something you'll have to realize for yourself.   And if you happen to be defining your value through your relationship status...don't.  Be your own person first.  

Also, going forward, if a guy doesn't find you interesting..it's just an opinion.  Not a fact.  He isn't the world.  His idea of you may be more about him than you.  Because of his past baggage.  His upbringing.  His past girlfriends.  His environment.   All of which affects how he sees himself and his world, what he wants and what he values etc.  So just because you're uninteresting to him, doesn't mean you're uninteresting.  And what he may find unattractive or consider a mistake, another may really cherish about you.  And it's the imperfections in people that are just as much who they are as the good stuff.  By all means, strive to be better than you were yesterday, but as long as you are doing your best, who you are, is perfect.  You can not be a better version of yourself.   Be gentle with yourself.  Forgive yourself.  Appreciate yourself.   Nobody can be you, but you and there are people out there, around you, that admire it and look up to it.  They may just be too proud to say anything.  

Hope this finds you well

- Beach

 

 

Edited April 26, 2021 by Beachead

[Cora]

5 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@Cora

Well, I'll tell you this much. You only exposed something in him that was already there.  Forget him.

Btw, with you, it's a lack of confidence.  Not believing you're good enough to hold someone's interest.  That you are incapable of being loved.  But you are.  You just don't see it because of the crappy environment you've been in.  Unfortunately nobody here or out there can make you see it.  It's something you'll have to realize for yourself.   And if you happen to be defining your value through your relationship status...don't.  Be your own person first.  

Also, if a guy doesn't find you interesting..it's just an opinion.  Not a fact.  He isn't the world.  His idea of you may be more about him than you.  Because of his past baggage.  His upbringing.  His past girlfriends.  His environment.   All of which affects how he sees himself and his world, what he wants and what he values etc.  So just because you're uninteresting to him, doesn't mean you're uninteresting.  And what he may find unattractive or consider a mistake, another may really cherish about you.  And it's the imperfections in people that are just as much who they are as the good stuff.  By all means, strive to be better than you were yesterday, but as long as you are doing your best, who you are, is perfect.  You can not be a better version of yourself.   Be gentle with yourself.  Forgive yourself.  Appreciate yourself.   Nobody can be you, but you and there are people out there, around you, that admire it and look up to it.  They may just be too proud to say anything.  

Hope this finds you well

- Beach

 

 

You are seriously going to make me cry.  I truly appreciate that more than you know!  Thank you so much!  You always say the nicest things and somehow make me feel better no matter what.  

[Cora]

15 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Cora, your responses to everyone are so humble, kind and sweet. I believe you're going to meet a man who is deserving of your authenticity and kindness and will recognize he's found a jewel in you.  You are fortunate when you're ghosted by some of these jerks you seem to be meeting! It only takes one good guy, remember!

Aww thank you!  I appreciate that.  That is kind of you to say.  

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Cora said:

, I am going to be looking for a therapist.  I am also putting a halt to the dating

Excellent. If dating is making you this anxious, it's time for a break.

[d0nnivain]

11 hours ago, Cora said:

I know.....I just don’t think I’m stable enough for him even if he wanted to continue dating.  I showed my true colors and I’m embarrassed.  I have a lot of issues and insecurities to work through.  He doesn’t need that in his life.  Frankly, nobody does.  

You do have issues but everybody has issues.  Better that he be with somebody who is working on her issues through therapy then somebody who doesn't even recognize there is a problem. 

So you screwed up with those texts but like others have pointed out, he has screwed up in here too.  Nobody's perfect.  If he can forgive you, which it seems like he has because he reached out again after the texts, you need to find a way to forgive yourself.  

If you think the texts which made you look desperate caused him to think that you would be open to NSA sex that doesn't track for me.  A guy who wants to be rid of a chick he sees as psycho (not saying you are) but if he thinks she's crazy he's not going to offer up sex.  Guys know that to some women, especially ones who are desperate, sex means more than just sex & she will feel bonded to him & then he'll never get rid of her.  I suspect in a ham handed way he was complementing you as a way of easing your anxiety.  He was trying to prove that you are attractive & worthy.  He just did it in an awful way which made you feel used & objectified.  

Part of this is you.  No matter what he did or said you would find a way to turn it back on yourself in a negative way because right now all you see are the bad things about yourself.  You have zero self esteem. 

Talk all this over with your therapist

Edited April 26, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, Cora said:

No, I just meant after sending those texts he probably realized I wasn’t someone he wanted anything serious with, but wasn’t opposed to getting sex from.  
 

That's your anxiety talking. You think everything he is thinking and doing has to be because of you and something you've done. No, the guy is a jerk for no reasons related to you. 

[SumGuy]

On 4/21/2021 at 12:23 AM, Cora said:

...  I then tell him I’m sorry as I totally didn’t mean anything by it and instantly regretted asking him.  Well he blocked me.

WTF that is certainly an over reaction on his part in my view....you dodged a bullet

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So my question is....is asking for a mans height the equivalent of asking a woman’s weight?  Is it really taboo to ask such a question?  I honestly never looked at it that way and just took it as an innocent question, but I guess I’ll be more cautious in the future about asking a guy for his height.  It really wasn’t important to me....was honestly just trying to know more about him and make conversation.  Is he just ultra sensitive about his height?  I don’t know why he would be as he is not short by any means.  

Agreed he is by no means short, although clearly short in the confidence arena.   Some men are very touchy about this I guess because they are inecure and buy into women only wnat men 6'+.  Whatever I say, be a man, be confident in what you are.

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All for it to go down the toilet with one stupid question from me.  Sigh...

Exactly, as much as it sucks and hurts...if a person can react so strongly to such a question (especially after having a great interaction and your explanation), and not just react so strongly but judge you to the extent they block you...you don't want to be in a relationship with that person.  If they get so judgey and bent out of shape over such a simple thing (with many reasonable interpretations besides whatever negative one he made) they will be a nightmare in a relationship..this is just the tip of the iceberg.  So you dodged a bullet here.

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On one hand I get it....I am sensitive about my weight even though I’m pretty fit/eat healthy/work out regularly etc. Still telling someone my actual number on a scale leaves me feeling very vulnerable.  So if that’s how he felt when asked about his height then I totally get it.  Just never saw the two as being equal I guess.  All he had to say was he wasn’t comfortable giving his height and I would have dropped the subject.  But maybe he thought I was too superficial.  I just think blocking was a bit extreme.  However, I guess he has his reasons.

Thoughts?

 

Think you have made the right analogy to try to understand where he was coming from.  I also think his reaction was extreme.  A better first response from him was how tall are you, and also to be confident and comfortable about you asking him the question.  Frankly, he should be glad you asked it because if he is nervous about his height and you were the kind of woman where that was a deal breaker, better for him to find out now before meeting you in person and wasting everyone's time; especially if women have dumped on him because he is "short" (which he is not).

[Versacehottie]

11 hours ago, Cora said:

No, I just meant after sending those texts he probably realized I wasn’t someone he wanted anything serious with, but wasn’t opposed to getting sex from.  
 

Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts.  

I agree if that is the 180 he took, he has probably recategorized you.  Also he probably has invested a lot of time into you and "knows" you like him so he wants it to pay off.  

I hear you if you don't want to date anyone right now. Also if you are just DONE with this guy.  But want to say that good guys as well as bad guys will "test" you and this aspect of you. Somewhere along the way (thinking a lot had to do with the garage of texts COMBINED with giving him a second chance) he is CONFUSED and testing your value.  No matter HOW mentally strong some time away gets you, people, especially guys in a dating situation, are going to always test your value, your perception of your value. It's up to you to send them a clear message.  

I think sometimes erroneously people in your situation believe if you are connected with the right guy, this wouldn't happen at all OR if you go away strengthen yourself up and come back a perfect person, this won't happen.  Um, yeah that's a lie.  People will constantly test you, and you constantly need to send out a message, in the form of redirecting, negotiating, how you create yourself, how you allow yourself to be treated, etc OF exactly what you are about and worth.  This isn't an all or nothing process either.  And it's hard to figure out which comes first the chicken or the egg (are they testing your value BEFORE how you've conveyed how to treat you or after)---i would say it's more simultaneous and it's important to not see the other person as a fixed entity or yourself or even the relationship with anyone as a fixed entity.  It's constantly growing, evolving, being influenced by what is done, happens, how you treat yourself, how you allow yourself to be treated.  Along those lines & because of that, I would say if a guy does this to you, you just have to enforce who you are and what you want out of it (much like you, I think, did)--but it doesn't mean it's a lost cause or to immediate cut it off.  Because you will run into it again and again. If it's not sexting, it will be another guy or person who tests your boundaries in other ways.  Perhaps you "bend" because you think it's all or nothing or a person will read your mind, know your worth, not try to do their agenda etc etc---but people will, you just need to get more comfortable convey what your message is or speaking up, be willing to find an appropriate middle ground.  So it's not about rolling over (where they won't value you or respect you as a girlfriend material) and perfect people are not going to sudden materialize even if you do this work on yourself---you will just be more comfortable in the uncertain moments, the kind that sometimes require that you "negotiate" a bit. That really doesn't go away.  Though certain levels are unacceptable.   Like perhaps you feel that way with this guy or that you feel that it's too far gone to have him respect you/know your value or you don't want to put that effort in with him (which I agree with in regard to him).  

If you are undecided, just keep reinforcing your boundaries.  This is less an answer about specifically what to do with him and more a response to let you know that people will always test your boundaries, so you just need to get comfortable enforcing them (not with all or nothing behavior). Good luck

[SumGuy]

On 4/25/2021 at 10:36 AM, Cora said:

I know...I regret sending those texts now, but can’t take them back.  I guess I really screwed it up this time.  So I can’t blame him now for not wanting to continue communication.  I guess I just have ptsd now so to speak when it comes to ghosting.  I’ve had it happen over and over to me over the years that I’ve come to expect it.  I mean that’s what you get when you online date right?  He makes the 5th guy who has ghosted me in less than two months.  So even if he truly did not ghost me he surely will after seeing my neurotic texts.  I always do this.  Sabotage things and then cringe at my behavior after.  So I really have no one to blame here but my self.  He was a perfectly nice guy from what I could tell and I screwed it up.  Ah well I probably did him a favor by showing this side of myself early on so he doesn’t waste anymore time.  He deserves someone who is actually sane and doesn’t have so many insecurities.  Thanks guys for the replies and for helping me see the light.  I obviously have issues I need to work through before I’m stable enough to date.  Should have never started dating again until I knew I was ready.  

So just reading and responding in order....I agree that what you texted was a bit neurotic/unsure but so what is my view.  Not the best look yet if he is into you and mature it shouldn't matter...especially after his own insecurity episode.  Someone who has it together and is interested will reach out with some assurance if they are not ghosting you.

By the way you sound pretty sane and self aware to me.  We all do such "insecure" things when dating, it's far from the worse.

Sad to say ghosting is pretty common, especially for guys who are just looking for casual/FWB I understand. 

[SaraSays]

We'll never know what he thinks, and it doesn't matter now anyway. You have a plan to try to improve your life, and that's both admirable, and important, so you can try to find ways to live with your anxiety, without it dominating your thoughts and controlling your behaviour.

A general well done for trying to look for things you need to improve, too - lots don't get that far, and always look to blame others.

[redacted]

Edited April 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[SumGuy]

23 hours ago, Cora said:

I appreciate your positivity, but if someone sent you neurotic texts like that wouldn’t that completely turn you off?  I feel like he’s probably saying “whoa I really dodged a bullet with that crazy chick!”

No wouldn't turn me off, especially if they were as you quoted them.  Especially given all the good conversations we had.  You didn't express anger, but simply concern and a need for assurance, and actually took the blame.   

You are right to think it odd that things stopped mid-text but  also agree think you jumped to some conclusions about it being something you said.   Of course, he freaked out before over a simple question, so not unwarranted or unreasonable at all in this case to ask and wonder if it was something you said.

For me I'd never just drop someone mid-text if was going to drop them. And if my failure to respond was for some other reason, I would feel bad that I kind of disappeared and reach out with assurances. 

My take, and will see if further down the thread it holds, is he has some real ego stuff going on here, first with the height, now maybe with this.  You may well be right that he reads these as "crazy chick" but that doesn't mean you are, just more his same judgmental stuff.  It goes hand in hand in my mind with men who need their ego stroked as they barely can tolerate even the idea of spending any emotional energy on women they like...perhaps because they lack such themselves hence the need to have their ego stroked.   You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells around this guy.

In short, in my opinion, it's not you it's him.  Sure the "you" will put off some men, that's a good filter in my view, you want to put those men off.

[SumGuy]

14 hours ago, Cora said:

I know.....I just don’t think I’m stable enough for him even if he wanted to continue dating.  I showed my true colors and I’m embarrassed.  I have a lot of issues and insecurities to work through.  He doesn’t need that in his life.  Frankly, nobody does.  

I'd say therapy can help you to stop blaming yourself.   Especially to make sure some man doesn't come along and exploit this to make you feel less than and do his bidding.

From all you have said here there is nothing inherently wrong with you.  If anything he is the one with greater issues, especially around communication.   Although I wouldn't even judge it that way.   You two are just incompatible.  He is touchy about things like his height and communicates less than is your style.

In my view, there are plenty of men out there who align with who you are and how you interact based on what you posted here.  Your tone and desire to understand are very attractive traits.  If it was me, none of this stuff would have put me off from getting to know you.   

[Gaeta]

51 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

People will constantly test you, and you constantly need to send out a message, in the form of redirecting, negotiating, how you create yourself, how you allow yourself to be treated, etc OF exactly what you are about and worth.  

I agree but to a certain extent. 

In the get-to-know-you phase it's ok to redirect a man on ponctuality or little habits here and there but when it comes to a man going full on with sexual comments, wanting you to come over for sex, wanting your body, there is no redirecting toward respect. This is a man that decided that OP is expendable. He's ok with her losing respect for him and blocking him. He's not worth redirecting. 

[introverted1]

On 4/25/2021 at 10:14 AM, Cora said:

Well because he text me last night and we were having a pretty good conversation.  He even mentioned meeting up after his class was over at 5 today if I’d be up for that?  I told him that sounded good to me and I was looking forward to seeing him again.  Anyway he stopped responding mid conversation which I found odd so I respond “did I say something to upset you?” Nothing.  I then ask “so does this mean you don’t want to see me tomorrow?”  Nothing.  So I send one last text saying “Will you at least tell me what I did wrong and I promise I will leave you alone?  I thought we had a pretty good connection.”  Nothing.  He normally texts me in the mornings and I thought at first maybe he just fell asleep as he’s done that before.  But I got no text from him this morning and I know his class started at 9 this morning.  Figured I’d at least hear from him before, but he’s gone silent.  

Cora, you seem like a very nice person and I tend to think that's why many people here are acting as though the above is no big deal.  I don't know...  maybe they really think that.  All I can say as a woman is that if a man I'd had one meeting with sent me messages like that, I'd be done.  Rightly or wrongly, I'd foresee a relationship full of anxiety and miscommunication as well as being tethered to my phone.  It would feel stressful and very un-fun.  (FTR, my next move wouldn't be to hint around at sex, though; I'd just politely say I didn't think it was a match.)

I think it's good that you are planning therapy.  You seem to have many great qualities and you deserve to be able to find a loving and committed partner. 

 

[Stupidkupid]

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Cora, you seem like a very nice person and I tend to think that's why many people here are acting as though the above is no big deal.  I don't know...  maybe they really think that.  All I can say as a woman is that if a man I'd had one meeting with sent me messages like that, I'd be done.  Rightly or wrongly, I'd foresee a relationship full of anxiety and miscommunication as well as being tethered to my phone.  It would feel stressful and very un-fun.  (FTR, my next move wouldn't be to hint around at sex, though; I'd just politely say I didn't think it was a match.)

I think it's good that you are planning therapy.  You seem to have many great qualities and you deserve to be able to find a loving and committed partner. 

 

I don't think the consensus was that it was no big deal, to be honest. The general view was it was too much and she should chat to someone about her anxiety.

On saying that, there is nothing wrong with Cora. We all have hang-ups and anxieties and fears. But many of us have learnt a bunch of ways to minimize their impact on other people It's just Cora isn't there yet. That doesn't mean she can't or shouldn't date but you're right, there is a lesson here. 

Although the very fact that there is such a variety of responses on here would tell us that we are all different and, actually, its entirely plausible that Cora could easily meet someone who is super laid back and understands her for who she is. 

We all have our things... like you, and I'm a woman, if I got sent those messages I would politely tell the texter that I didn't think we were right for each other. Certainly no sex talk but no ghosting either. 

[BaileyB]

Cora, I just wanted to send you a hug. 

I’ve been there, dating is hard when things just never seem to work out. It can really mess with you, which is why it’s good sometimes to take a step back, to take a break and focus on finding your own happiness.

You sound like a truly lovely person. Take care. 

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

All I can say as a woman is that if a man I'd had one meeting with sent me messages like that, I'd be done.  Rightly or wrongly, I'd foresee a relationship full of anxiety and miscommunication

Yeah, this is not a man that I would want to have as a partner. I don’t want to walk on eggshells, wondering if everything I said would offend him and then dealing with the silent treatment because he doesn’t have the communication or conflict resolution skills to deal with whatever has happened. No thank you. 

This is not about you Cora. This guy is not the right guy for you, period. 

[Beachead]

@Cora

18 hours ago, Cora said:

You are seriously going to make me cry.  I truly appreciate that more than you know!  Thank you so much!  You always say the nicest things and somehow make me feel better no matter what.  

It's my pleasure.  It's true you know.   

You're fine the way you are.  You just got a little scared but that's not a dealbreaker to the right person.  The right guy wouldn't judge you for it or exploit it as this guy as appeared to. 

But if you're going to work on yourself, make sure you do it for you, because it makes sense to you.  Don't do it, because you want to fine love.  Don't do it because someone else told you to and don't change things about yourself that you think the next person might want, just because the last person saw it as a flaw.  

Just be you. 

The right people will be with you.  The wrong ones will screen themselves out and everything will work out in the end.

- Beach

Edited April 26, 2021 by Beachead

[Allupinnit]

I think you already had anxiety considering the shoddy way he treated you the FIRST time around, so when he went silent your gut was just confirming to you what you already knew about him.

LOL I can't believe he actually led with "Are you the type to read into things" because he was ALREADY feeling guilty about blowing you off so that was his subconscious way of basically turning it back around on you before you even had a chance to react.

Please block this psychopath already - he has zero idea what he's doing or what he wants, and likely who he even IS.  This is way too much drama for someone you've only been out with ONCE.  

I also think he wears his uniform on dates with women when he probably isn't even working.  LOL 

[Dis]

Ohhh I'm so sorry Cora  

 

Please though, stop berating yourself over this. LS has a habit of shining too much light on the OPs mistakes. Yes, it was a mistake and something you should try to get to the root cause of but it's not something to feel terrible about. I honestly think if he was really into you, yes those texts might be off putting but they might not have been a deal breaker. Who knows, maybe he just wanted sex all along and was never super interested so that was his out. That's what I think happened.

 

I'm 34 and single. I completely understand your grief over that and send you hugs. It's not easy but I've gotten to the point where I finally feel like I want to enjoy life in whatever that means to me. I want to have fun, enjoy the people I'm around and when I do date again, I'm taking it with a grain of rice and not getting so caught up with it but rather enjoy it because it can be fun. I'm happy with who I am and what I have. The rest will fall into place.  I hope you can get to a place where you feel the same way.

 

This dude was nothing. Especially after just one date. He was a nobody to you. Shrug it off and move forward.

 

Once you're happy with yourself good things will happen. Yes, take a break from OLD. Build up that self esteem, focus on you and be fulfilled with that. 

 

What we feel and who we are is what we attract

 

xoxo and hugs  

Edited April 27, 2021 by Dis

[Versacehottie]

On 4/26/2021 at 8:59 AM, Gaeta said:

I agree but to a certain extent. 

In the get-to-know-you phase it's ok to redirect a man on ponctuality or little habits here and there but when it comes to a man going full on with sexual comments, wanting you to come over for sex, wanting your body, there is no redirecting toward respect. This is a man that decided that OP is expendable. He's ok with her losing respect for him and blocking him. He's not worth redirecting. 

Who said he was?

[SaraSays]

How are you feeling today, OP?