Is asking for a guys height a bad thing?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, none of this would be happening if you didn't text-tether from the start.  All this angst about texting.

Way too much texting prior to meeting. way too much texting after meeting. No one wants to babysit a phone all day.

So lessons learned. Stop texting this much before or after meeting.

[norealusername]

What a mess. I don't think your texts were a big deal after he vanished. I've had women say the same things to me when I didn't respond for a while. It didn't bother me at all. I just apologized and continued speaking to them. I've said similar stuff when people vanished on me. Just try to stop dwelling on this. Wait and see if the guy gets back to you. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. He's got his own issues after all, he did block you just because you asked his height.

[Alpacalia]

On 4/23/2021 at 5:19 PM, Cora said:

Yeah, it doesn’t matter how many times I get ghosted it still hurts.

If you're regularly getting ghosted, it's time to reconsider who you're dating or investigate what activity is causing these dates to stop communicating with you entirely. Or reframe your initial "getting to know you" conversations in order to gain better insight into the other person rather than their physical characteristics. It's not a guarantee, but it's a start.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Cora said:

He says some women he’s dated could not handle that.  I’m starting to realize I’m probably one of them if I freak out this much over a text not being answered.  So I get what you’re saying.  

This is not about him having a dangerous job and/or your inability to handle that, it's about you taking him not answering within your specific timeline personally. 

Attaching negative meaning to it (he doesn't like me, he's ghosting me) versus realizing it may have nothing to do with you OR his feelings about you.

It's okay to be insecure!  We are all insecure on some level, no one is immune to it imho. 

I have a lot going for me, but lord knows, I can become extremely insecure sometimes!

The key is to learn how contain and manage your insecurity and not burden others with it especially a new man you just started dating. 

Im sorry to say but your messages were over the top and may have lowered your value in his eyes.

Not the insecurity but more that they reflected your inability to control and manage the insecurity which can often be worse than the insecurity itself.

Overcoming anxiety and insecurity issues takes years!  It's deeply rooted within and often requires psychotherapy to resolve. 

In the meantime, learn how to contain and manage within. Just because you feel insecure that doesn't mean you have to act on it by bombarding a man with text messages or anything else. 

Learn self-control.  For me, when I feel anxious I do Yoga which I do regularly anyway, keeps me centered, or sometimes I go for a run.

Exercise raises endorphins which gives you a natural high and a sense of calm. 

Let this experience be a great learning lesson going forward.  Life is full of them!

All the best moving forward Cora, good luck!  

 

[Beachead]

@Cora

3 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you.  Yes, I definitely do need to get a handle on this anxiety as it’s doing me no favors.  I am starting to see that now.  It’s been awhile...how have you been? 

I'm hanging in there as best as I can thank you but I'm going to jump back to you because this is about you.

I know all too well about anxiety as I've done some pretty embarrassing things myself. Anxiety dialed to a 10 is just too much noise to think your way out of, don't waste your time trying to.  You'll just exhaust yourself.  It's far easier to have things going on in your life and to use those things to counter it.  The more passionate and purposeful those things are for you, the more effective they will be at shutting your anxiety down.

For me it's photography/music.  I grab my camera, I go outside.  I take pictures of birds, plantlife, maybe the sky.   I use the lens to observe and learn. I listen to the birds and the songs they sing to learn.   I practice with the camera because I want to become good at it.  I'm always trying to figure out what kind of music would go well with these pictures or these videos, so when I go home and watch the footage I filmed or photographed, I start messing around on my equipment to create a background tune. If I want to release the art, I have to then think about marketing as well.  Basically, both crafts demand I do my research in the relevant subject areas that'll help improve my skills and help my understanding of what I'm doing and it keeps me busy and focused on something else rather than the source of my anxiety.  Anxiety drops down to a 1 or 2..and that stops me from doing something I might regret.   Whatever is left of it, I can write/self-talk my way through it.

As Versacehottie said, you'll never be perfect and at some point, you just have to get out there and see how you are.  And now you've seen your anxiety in action and what it can lead you to do so now what you have to do is find the right tools to cope with it.  When you find that, you've ended up solving a problem that would have shown up over and over and over again..and THAT is going to change your life. 

So to reiterate from experience, I'm telling you, to deal with that anxiety, just invest in yourself.   Find what you like to do and dive into it.  Set some goals and get good at it.  The process will do the healing for you.

- Beach

 

 

 

Edited April 25, 2021 by Beachead

[Cora]

I know, I get it.  I screwed up.  I’ll most likely never hear from this guy again and I’ll probably screw things up with the next guy and the one after that and so on until I finally just become extremely bitter and realize I was probably meant to be single all along.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single.  A lot of people love it and are happy.  I have been single for years, but I crave companionship.  I never thought I’d be 38 years old and still screwing up dates left and right.  I’ve always wanted marriage and to have children of my own, but now that dream has faded fast because I’m getting too old. And most men my age are divorced and done with having kids.  This guy had potential....him, like myself had never been married and had no children.  He also wanted a family someday.  However, I go and screw it up.  I mean sure we could have never gotten past the second or third date, but now I’ll never know.  
 

After awhile you get burnt out.  I am to that point.  I think I need to give dating up and just learn to be happy being single.  My little brother is engaged and will be getting married soon and starting a family.  I will just be happy being the best aunt to his children.  I can’t keep going on like this and keep being disappointed.  If I keep dating I will only keep sabotaging and the cycle will repeat itself.  I do plan on seeking help for my anxiety, but I think I’m done with the dating.  It seems to cause most of my anxiety anyway.  Best to avoid it.  
 

Thank you all for the advice!  It is much appreciated!!

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Cora said:

However, I go and screw it up.

 Ok, live and learn. You can't screw up alone. He acted very odd as well.

Texting a bit too much is not a sin and simple to scale back on. However he sort of left things hanging, so not everything is in your control.

[Cora]

This may be silly of me to even think, but I wonder if something bad happened to him?  I mean since he hasn’t blocked me and just not responding.  Anyway, I know I deserve to be ghosted for the way I acted, but I do hope that he is ok.  I’d never wish any harm on anyone and wish I knew if he was at least ok.  At this point I’d rather him just be ghosting me.  
 

However, it would be nice if he could just say a quick “I’m fine, I just don’t wish to ever see a crazy, neurotic chick like yourself ever again!”

[Beachead]

@Cora

On 4/26/2021 at 6:44 AM, Cora said:

I know, I get it.  I screwed up.  I’ll most likely never hear from this guy again and I’ll probably screw things up with the next guy and the one after that and so on until I finally just become extremely bitter and realize I was probably meant to be single all along.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single.  A lot of people love it and are happy.  I have been single for years, but I crave companionship.  I never thought I’d be 38 years old and still screwing up dates left and right.  I’ve always wanted marriage and to have children of my own, but now that dream has faded fast because I’m getting too old. And most men my age are divorced and done with having kids.  This guy had potential....him, like myself had never been married and had no children.  He also wanted a family someday.  However, I go and screw it up.  I mean sure we could have never gotten past the second or third date, but now I’ll never know.  

Honestly Cora, don't worry about it.   Sure, a lot of people out there are quick to judge and they'd take it the wrong way but that's not everybody. 

I'd take it as " This girl's anxiety's getting the best of her.  These messages are probably not even who she really is. I'd know because I've done the same and that wasn't who I really was.  Would have been nice if someone had seen passed the crazy and given me a chance, so why would I do the same to someone else when I know how it  feels?  I had a great date with her and I enjoyed talking with her and she seems to care ;).  Lets see where goes."  

See, a reasonable person won't judge you for that because they know they've made mistakes.  Struggled.  Failed.  Embarrassed themselves. Lost people etc.  All that experience translates to humility, compassion and understanding and so many of us at this point in our life realize, we're  just flawed human beings trying to do our best.  We might be a lot less tolerant of the disrespect things that other people do but this is not disrespectful.  This is just a person who is afraid.

There is a lot worse out there in the world than a person who cares a little more than she should.

So relax.  Good people get it.  Judgy people won't.   They'll think they're perfect and expect perfection..and you know what?  You wouldn't want that kind of person anyway, because they'd be a pain to be in a relationship with.  Things happen as they're meant to.  Trust that.

- Beach

Edited April 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Cora]

Ok so he’s fine. Just heard from him.  Thank goodness.  At least he is ok.  I don’t have to worry anymore.  However, I don’t think he’s interested in pursuing things any further.  It’s ok though...I fully expected that.  At least he’s ok....that’s all that matters.  

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, Cora said:

Ok so he’s fine. Just heard from him.  Thank goodness.  At least he is ok.  I don’t have to worry anymore.  However, I don’t think he’s interested in pursuing things any further.  It’s ok though...I fully expected that.  At least he’s ok....that’s all that matters.  

Cora, stop this!   Of course he's OK.   

What actually matters is that your catastrophic thinking just killed any attraction he may have had to you.  Sure, any one of us can be in a car accident or hit by a bus, but it's really unhealthy to assume that something like this has happened because someone was a bit slow to answer a text.   

And yes, I understand that there's an inherent risk of him being a fireman, but when a fireman dies in the line of duty, it makes the news.  If there is news of a firefighter dying in the area he works in, then yes, it's perfectly understandable to reach out and check he's still alive.   But don't do it if there's no good reason to worry.

Forgive me if you're mentioned this earlier, but are you seeking help for your anxiety?

Edited April 26, 2021 by basil67

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, Cora said:

@Cora therapy will help. You’re not doomed to repeat the cycle. You have abandonment issues and they can be alleviated. 

Edited April 26, 2021 by Weezy1973

[d0nnivain]

55 minutes ago, Cora said:

Ok so he’s fine. Just heard from him.  Thank goodness.  At least he is ok.  I don’t have to worry anymore.  However, I don’t think he’s interested in pursuing things any further.  It’s ok though...I fully expected that.  At least he’s ok....that’s all that matters.  

So far you have been wrong about everything.  You said he was done.  He reached out.  Then you thought he wouldn't contact you today but he has. 

At what point do you realize you aren't reading the tea leaves correctly?  

[Cora]

42 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Cora, stop this!   Of course he's OK.   

What actually matters is that your catastrophic thinking just killed any attraction he may have had to you.  Sure, any one of us can be in a car accident or hit by a bus, but it's really unhealthy to assume that something like this has happened because someone was a bit slow to answer a text.   

And yes, I understand that there's an inherent risk of him being a fireman, but when a fireman dies in the line of duty, it makes the news.  If there is news of a firefighter dying in the area he works in, then yes, it's perfectly understandable to reach out and check he's still alive.   But don't do it if there's no good reason to worry.

Forgive me if you're mentioned this earlier, but are you seeking help for your anxiety?

I did not reach out to him again to see if he was ok.  I figured that really would be over the top.  He just finally responded to me.  And yes, I am going to be looking for a therapist.  I am also putting a halt to the dating.  I know it’s unhealthy and I already feel pretty shitty about it. 

[Cora]

15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

So far you have been wrong about everything.  You said he was done.  He reached out.  Then you thought he wouldn't contact you today but he has. 

At what point do you realize you aren't reading the tea leaves correctly?  

I know.....I just don’t think I’m stable enough for him even if he wanted to continue dating.  I showed my true colors and I’m embarrassed.  I have a lot of issues and insecurities to work through.  He doesn’t need that in his life.  Frankly, nobody does.  

[Cora]

39 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@Cora therapy will help. You’re not doomed to repeat the cycle. You have abandonment issues and they can be alleviated. 

Thank you.  Yes, I am looking into therapy.  This stems back to my childhood.  With the abandonment issues.  It’s way past time to fix these issues.  

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Ok so he’s fine. Just heard from him.  Thank goodness.  At least he is ok.  I don’t have to worry anymore.  However, I don’t think he’s interested in pursuing things any further.  It’s ok though...I fully expected that.  At least he’s ok....that’s all that matters.  

I was going to say before you heard from him...that he was probably just putting some time and space between your rapid fire texts and flaking.  I'm guessing part of the reason that these guys keep ghosting you (your words, not mine) is that you are too nice or put them on a pedestal.  Like even how you speak of him here is like "all that matters is he's ok".  Seems like you swing wildly between all or nothing. Fatalistic or catostrophic thinking instead of the most likely more likely, common middle ground instead of the extremes..  and where you are on equal or more equal footing with whomever you are interested in.

Bolded, why do you think that? Did he say that? Or did he just not give you an outsized helping of reassurance? 

Keep in mind this guy flipped out as well and you accepted him apology and offer of a date.  Doesn't mean he will do the same, only that there is evidence in people that you don't have to take the extreme or negative view when you are feeling uncertain.  The thing is to date you are going to have to get comfortable with some uncertainty.  It just is that way.  I know you keep doing these crazy strategies that you feel like gives you some more guarantee (when all it really does is spin your wheels wasting time).  And now you flip to not wanting to date at all, like ever?  Come on now.  A few posts back, you were not in this headspace and I don't truly believe that is what you want. That is ALSO not the way to live life to hide from what you want because you are afraid of getting hurt.  You just need a toolbox of skills.  

[Cora]

21 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I was going to say before you heard from him...that he was probably just putting some time and space between your rapid fire texts and flaking.  I'm guessing part of the reason that these guys keep ghosting you (your words, not mine) is that you are too nice or put them on a pedestal.  Like even how you speak of him here is like "all that matters is he's ok".  Seems like you swing wildly between all or nothing. Fatalistic or catostrophic thinking instead of the most likely more likely, common middle ground instead of the extremes..  and where you are on equal or more equal footing with whomever you are interested in.

Bolded, why do you think that? Did he say that? Or did he just not give you an outsized helping of reassurance? 

Keep in mind this guy flipped out as well and you accepted him apology and offer of a date.  Doesn't mean he will do the same, only that there is evidence in people that you don't have to take the extreme or negative view when you are feeling uncertain.  The thing is to date you are going to have to get comfortable with some uncertainty.  It just is that way.  I know you keep doing these crazy strategies that you feel like gives you some more guarantee (when all it really does is spin your wheels wasting time).  And now you flip to not wanting to date at all, like ever?  Come on now.  A few posts back, you were not in this headspace and I don't truly believe that is what you want. That is ALSO not the way to live life to hide from what you want because you are afraid of getting hurt.  You just need a toolbox of skills.  

Let’s just say things have taken a more sexual turn.  What has been him wanting to go on actual dates, to him going silent on me for awhile has now gone to him wanting sex.  And I’m not for that.  Not this early on.  And I’m sure my anxiety ridden texts had something to do with his change of heart.  
 

No I don’t want to be done with dating, but I’m tired. I keep making the same mistakes and until I get help I will continue to make them.  I’m just depressed right now.  Not in a good frame of mind to be dating anyone. I’m not sure how long it will take me to get there.  I just feel completely silly and embarrassed right now.  And it makes me upset that that’s all he wants me for now is sex.  Even if I did cause it.  I don’t know what else to say.  But I appreciate your advice.  Thank you so much!  

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Cora said:

What has been him wanting to go on actual dates, to him going silent on me for awhile has now gone to him wanting sex

Can you explain that

[Cora]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Can you explain that

Well he’s now saying things like wanting to come over to my place and how much he’s attracted to me and wants my body.  A complete 180!  

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Cora said:

Well he’s now saying things like wanting to come over to my place and how much he’s attracted to me and wants my body.  A complete 180!  

Block and delete. No use wasting energy on him. 

[Cora]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Block and delete. No use wasting energy on him. 

Yeah I’ve told him I’m not interested in that.

[LivingWaterPlease]

46 minutes ago, Cora said:

Let’s just say things have taken a more sexual turn.  What has been him wanting to go on actual dates, to him going silent on me for awhile has now gone to him wanting sex.  And I’m not for that.  Not this early on.  And I’m sure my anxiety ridden texts had something to do with his change of heart.  
 

 

Huh? Your anxiety issues had something to do with him making comments about being attracted to you and wanting your body? I don't think so. A person says and does the things they say and do because of who they are, not because of who you are.

From your thread, you seem pretty normal to me. The only thing is that it'll be helpful for you to put a filter on your emotions. When you feel insecure just realize it's normal but best to keep it to yourself as much as possible, except with family and close, loyal friends that you know you can trust.  

 

[Cora]

5 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Huh? Your anxiety issues had something to do with him making comments about being attracted to you and wanting your body? I don't think so. A person says and does the things they say and do because of who they are, not because of who you are.

From your thread, you seem pretty normal to me. The only thing is that it'll be helpful for you to put a filter on your emotions. When you feel insecure just realize it's normal but best to keep it to yourself as much as possible, except with family and close, loyal friends that you know you can trust.  

 

No, I just meant after sending those texts he probably realized I wasn’t someone he wanted anything serious with, but wasn’t opposed to getting sex from.  
 

Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts.  

[LivingWaterPlease]

8 minutes ago, Cora said:

No, I just meant after sending those texts he probably realized I wasn’t someone he wanted anything serious with, but wasn’t opposed to getting sex from.  
 

Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts.  

It seems to me no matter what happens (that you post about) you think the worst thing possible about yourself.

Let yourself enjoy the fact that a guy thinks you're attractive instead of thinking of it in a negative way, that he just wants to use you. I'm not suggesting you let him use your body, or even that you date him. The point is, enjoy that he thinks you're appealing, even if you don't want to date him anymore.

I like to put a positive spin on any way a guy interacts with me. I may be wrong, but at least I'm blissfully wrong!