Is asking for a guys height a bad thing?

[Gaeta]

@Cora Why you say that?

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Thanks guys, but it looks as if he’s ghosted me now.  So I don’t think this is going to go anywhere... Been my luck lately. 

What do you mean he ghosted you?  You just talked to him yesterday when he told you he's working today.  He hasn't ghosted you.  He's WORKING!!  Give the man 48 hours.  Geesh.  

Good heavens.  Have a little faith.  Until you get a handle on your anxiety YOU are going to sabotage every relationship you try.  

Paying money for an on-line search to check him out is over the top.  Yes it may tell you if he's married or have a criminal record but what kind of men are you meeting if that is a problem?  I don't think you get or are allowed keep your public taxpayer funded job as a firefighter if you have convictions so that should not have been a real concern.  Nothing you can learn in that vein will tell you squat about his character. That happens over time.  Your issue is that you need to hold back & not get overly invested so soon.  I agree that therapy could help you with this.  Your insecurities are making you paranoid.   

[Cora]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@Cora Why you say that?

Well because he text me last night and we were having a pretty good conversation.  He even mentioned meeting up after his class was over at 5 today if I’d be up for that?  I told him that sounded good to me and I was looking forward to seeing him again.  Anyway he stopped responding mid conversation which I found odd so I respond “did I say something to upset you?” Nothing.  I then ask “so does this mean you don’t want to see me tomorrow?”  Nothing.  So I send one last text saying “Will you at least tell me what I did wrong and I promise I will leave you alone?  I thought we had a pretty good connection.”  Nothing.  He normally texts me in the mornings and I thought at first maybe he just fell asleep as he’s done that before.  But I got no text from him this morning and I know his class started at 9 this morning.  Figured I’d at least hear from him before, but he’s gone silent.  

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, Cora said:

 “Will you at least tell me what I did wrong and I promise I will leave you alone?  

OMG, Cora, put your phone down!!

If he was not into you he would not have offered to meet after work today. If the man wanted to ghost you he would not drop in the middle of a conversation!!! he would simply not contact you. 

He dropped in the middle of the conversation because something out of his control happen, his phone died or he got an emergency. 

Now, think about this. Lets say he dropped his phone in the toilet while talking to you and his phone died, then today he'll find a way to contact you through someone else's phone or on the app where you met. He will eventually get a new phone Monday and then he'll see all those crazy messages!! How you think you will appear??

One more thing, dating doesn't mean being in touch 24/7. Remember that. 

Edited April 25, 2021 by Gaeta

[d0nnivain]

He hasn't gone silent.  He probably fell asleep.  It's part of the problem with texting.  He did not ghost you.  

He may have forgotten to set his alarm for this morning & had to scramble so no time to reach out to you.  See if he contacts you at lunch or he may apologize at 5.  The Q then becomes is your nose so out of joint that you won't meet him when he reaches out later today. 

The 3 texts you sent were terrible.  You went straight to a scenario where you think you screwed up instead of the more logical did you fall asleep.  Wearing your insecurities on your sleeve like that is incredibly unattractive.  You are pushing this guy away with your behavior.  It's not your luck  that is bad.  It's your choices. 

If nothing else you need to learn that just because we have the ability to stay connected does not mean we have the obligation to do so.  

Until you boost your own self esteem this will reoccur

Edited April 25, 2021 by d0nnivain

[SaraSays]

Please Cora go and seek out help with your anxiety, to try to bring it under your control. It isn't fair to put someone else through this. You shouldn't be doing background checks on strangers. Most crimes won't even be known, let alone recorded, so you're deriving assurance from something empty.

It's also a question of how you want to live life - asking someone things you want to know face-to-face, or covertly going behind their back to try to uncover something untoward. How do you want to live your life - constantly worrying that someone's up to something? You're walking amongst people with criminal records day-in, day-out.

Please come up with a strategy to try to help you to cope better, as this will be damaging your wellbeing. It's pretty out of control - you're going to ruin new sparks, if you continue like this.

Please fill your time with things to move your body, and creative things. Please seek out some mentors (strangers, not friends), who can help you to establish coping strategies, and boundaries around phone use.

If you keep this up, any partner is going to be walking on eggshells, and that's not a kind way to treat anyone. It's a means of destroying self-esteem, too, as the other person can never do right by you.

SMS is no place for an important conversation. SMS is a place for throwaway conversations and sending silly, jokey things that it's fine to forget. It'd be better to keep significant conversations for phonecalls and in-person meetings.

[Cora]

I know...I regret sending those texts now, but can’t take them back.  I guess I really screwed it up this time.  So I can’t blame him now for not wanting to continue communication.  I guess I just have ptsd now so to speak when it comes to ghosting.  I’ve had it happen over and over to me over the years that I’ve come to expect it.  I mean that’s what you get when you online date right?  He makes the 5th guy who has ghosted me in less than two months.  So even if he truly did not ghost me he surely will after seeing my neurotic texts.  I always do this.  Sabotage things and then cringe at my behavior after.  So I really have no one to blame here but my self.  He was a perfectly nice guy from what I could tell and I screwed it up.  Ah well I probably did him a favor by showing this side of myself early on so he doesn’t waste anymore time.  He deserves someone who is actually sane and doesn’t have so many insecurities.  Thanks guys for the replies and for helping me see the light.  I obviously have issues I need to work through before I’m stable enough to date.  Should have never started dating again until I knew I was ready.  

[d0nnivain]

Acknowledging your role in this is a great first step.  Now what are you going to do to improve your self esteem?  

[Cora]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Acknowledging your role in this is a great first step.  Now what are you going to do to improve your self esteem?  

Well first I’m going to delete all dating apps and focus on myself.  Take a nice long break, do things I enjoy, spend more time with friends and family, look into finding a good therapist.  I went to therapy a few years back and it helped tremendously, but if you don’t keep up with it you start to fall back into old habits.  

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Cora said:

 So even if he truly did not ghost me he surely will after seeing my neurotic texts. 

Remember he's the one who hung up on you and you gave him a second chance. When he gets back to you explain online dating has been  brutal to you and simply apologize for sending those texts. You 2 might just be perfect for each other. 

[Cora]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Remember he's the one who hung up on you and you gave him a second chance. When he gets back to you explain online dating has been  brutal to you and simply apologize for sending those texts. You 2 might just be perfect for each other. 

Thanks, but my gut is telling me I’ve heard the last from him.  I don’t feel he will be getting back in touch and I can’t much blame him after the way I reacted.  

[Gaeta]

Hey! I have all day free to check your thread. I say you'll hear from him during the day 🙂

 

[d0nnivain]

read some self help books on the subject too.  There are a ton out there  

[Beachead]

40 minutes ago, Cora said:

Well because he text me last night and we were having a pretty good conversation.  He even mentioned meeting up after his class was over at 5 today if I’d be up for that?  I told him that sounded good to me and I was looking forward to seeing him again.  Anyway he stopped responding mid conversation which I found odd so I respond “did I say something to upset you?” Nothing.  I then ask “so does this mean you don’t want to see me tomorrow?”  Nothing.  So I send one last text saying “Will you at least tell me what I did wrong and I promise I will leave you alone?  I thought we had a pretty good connection.”  Nothing.  He normally texts me in the mornings and I thought at first maybe he just fell asleep as he’s done that before.  But I got no text from him this morning and I know his class started at 9 this morning.  Figured I’d at least hear from him before, but he’s gone silent.  

You didn't do anything wrong.  You two had a conversation and something came up.  Either he fell asleep.  Phone died.  Some kind of emergency.  Who knows.  

If he's a reasonable person, he'll brush those string of anxiety-induced texts off, because he'll understand where they're coming from, he won't judge you and he will make you feel at ease. 

But, you, need to get a hold of your anxiety.  Remember your already awesome life and the things that you enjoy doing and focus on them.  Can't make this man the end-all, be-all..after a first date.

[Cora]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Hey! I have all day free to check your thread. I say you'll hear from him during the day 🙂

 

I appreciate your positivity, but if someone sent you neurotic texts like that wouldn’t that completely turn you off?  I feel like he’s probably saying “whoa I really dodged a bullet with that crazy chick!”

[d0nnivain]

I don't know if he will call or not but your response to last night tells me you are not cut out to be with a 1st responder.  For you to get so worked up when he possibly fell asleep & was perfectly safe, how bonkers will you be knowing he's running into burning buildings & other dangerous situations?  

[Gaeta]

I think he will offer you the same flexibility you offered him. 

Your messages were insecure but you did not insult him. His insecurity made him hang up on you, he knows about insecurity. He also was self-aware enough to recognize is insecurities and apologize, that means he has a certain level of understanding, he knows no one is perfect. 

[Cora]

7 minutes ago, Beachead said:

You didn't do anything wrong.  You two had a conversation and something came up.  Either he fell asleep.  Phone died.  Some kind of emergency.  Who knows.  

If he's a reasonable person, he'll brush those string of anxiety-induced texts off, because he'll understand where they're coming from, he won't judge you and he will make you feel at ease. 

But, you, need to get a hold of your anxiety.  Remember your already awesome life and the things that you enjoy doing and focus on them.  Can't make this man the end-all, be-all..after a first date.

Thank you.  Yes, I definitely do need to get a handle on this anxiety as it’s doing me no favors.  I am starting to see that now.  It’s been awhile...how have you been? 

[Cora]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't know if he will call or not but your response to last night tells me you are not cut out to be with a 1st responder.  For you to get so worked up when he possibly fell asleep & was perfectly safe, how bonkers will you be knowing he's running into burning buildings & other dangerous situations?  

I wholeheartedly agree with you there.  It’s funny because he had this conversation with me.  He was like I just want you to be aware that if we are going to date, I have a very dangerous job.  Do you think you can handle that?  He’s always had dangerous jobs.  Before becoming a firefighter he was in the marine corps.  He says some women he’s dated could not handle that.  I’m starting to realize I’m probably one of them if I freak out this much over a text not being answered.  So I get what you’re saying.  

[d0nnivain]

My husband is a Marine veteran.  I know I would not have been able to handle dating him while he was on active duty.  

[Cora]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

My husband is a Marine veteran.  I know I would not have been able to handle dating him while he was on active duty.  

I appreciate your husbands service.  That would take very strong woman indeed.  Something I know I’m definitely NOT cut out for!  

[Gaeta]

The military, firemen, policemen, paramedic are a very tight community. Once you're officially dating him you'll meet his friends and his friends's girlfriends and you all become friends. I was married to an Armed Force man for many years. He was deployed 6+ months each year and I did just fine with that. We had no Internet back then. If he was gone 6 months I'd get 2 calls. Once he was gone 7 months and I got 3 phone calls that were minuted AND recorded because so many other men were waiting in line to use that phone. when we're young we adjust. 

[Cora]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The military, firemen, policemen, paramedic are a very tight community. Once you're officially dating him you'll meet his friends and his friends's girlfriends and you all become friends. I was married to an Armed Force man for many years. He was deployed 6+ months each year and I did just fine with that. We had no Internet back then. If he was gone 6 months I'd get 2 calls. Once he was gone 7 months and I got 3 phone calls that were minuted AND recorded because so many other men were waiting in line to use that phone. when we're young we adjust. 

Wow I commend you for that.  I know I would not be cut out for that.  I doubt we will ever officially date as I don’t think I’ll ever see him again much less hear from him.  Which is probably all for the best.  He needs a stronger female who can handle these things in much better way.  I am not that female as he’s already seen me have a meltdown over nothing.  Even if by some miracle he did speak to me again I am embarrassed by my behavior and don’t know how I could ever face him.  So the way I see it, he dodged a bullet with me.  

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

The 3 texts you sent were terrible.  You went straight to a scenario where you think you screwed up instead of the more logical did you fall asleep.  Wearing your insecurities on your sleeve like that is incredibly unattractive.  You are pushing this guy away with your behavior.  It's not your luck  that is bad.  It's your choices. 

Exactly!

And this is exactly what I meant by allowing overthinking to be a coping strategy you now did something totally unwarranted with those questions?  3 in a row!!!  See an anxious person who is already fueling those thoughts, says something just like you did--"well I can't take them back".  It's a little flippant, like he should just deal with it because you have crazy thoughts in your head and then let them start playing out in your real life relationship. What GOOD could have been gained if he actually answered those questions?  If he wasn't already disappearing like you were overly anxious about, NOW you've done something to cause him to disappear.  And you will fuel more negative and anxious thinking with this "protection" mechanism (which is not really protective at all) and justify whatever you do and whatever happens to you with "bad luck". 

Secondly you made yourself FAR FAR FAR too available before a first date..which has tricked you in  way into believing you have more of a guarantee and "hold" on these budding relationship than is ever really possible at this stage.  You have to ACCEPT that dating at this stage is fragile at best---people can/will disappear for tons of reasons, a lot of which are outside your control/or best efforts/or no matter HOW MUCH effort or "prescreening" that you believe you are doing.   

Instead of being there like a sitting duck at 5pm when he got off of work and then gotten all needy on him, you SHOULD have rolled with the original, that he asked for a reschedule and thus you are going to fill up your Saturday night with other things.  You don't leave yourself blindly open for someone like you don't have better things going on.  If you don't, get better things going on.  It's too dependent at this stage.  It doesn't even matter if it's netflix and shut off your phone.  Or deep condition your hair or do a facial. But you should have immediately filled up your time and not left it open for him to come and go as he pleased AND then get needy on him.   You've lulled yourself into a false sense of security AND made yourself extremely paranoid at the same time.  The end result isn't any better than if you did NOT do those things.  I'm going to promise you that those things did affect the outcome of what is going on.  To be fair, he could have been less infatuated once he met you in person than all the excessive texting in advance of the first date.  And the height thing probably put a little chip in good, normal fun progress.  

[Versacehottie]

Hmmm, well in a way, I think you are too hard on yourself about the you shouldn't date until you are "ready".  I think that is asking yourself to be "ready' in a situation which you CAN practice with every interaction.  Maybe have a little more foundation, a few therapy sessions (which then you continue) and some books or online stuff.  I think though that sitting out is part of the problem in a way (in your case).  maybe you think you can perfect yourself and then get back into the game.  But what you need is real life experiences where you can use coping strategies you've used, better thinking patterns and put what you've learned into practice in real time with real people. Not that they are practice people---but everyone is human and you won't go from 0-60 when it really matters by sitting on the sidelines.

Also the way you talk to yourself right now could use improvement.  It's almost like you are looking for a guy to add to your worth or something with a lot of what's gone on.   That's one thing to tackle immediately.  Good luck