Is asking for a guys height a bad thing?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

59 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you all for the replies and feedback.  I agree that I got too caught up with him too soon through texting back and forth before meeting.  I know it’s something I need to work on.  I will also be more careful with asking sensitive questions in the future with potential dates.  
 

I just finished a two hour phone conversation with him.  I definitely have more clarity about the situation and him.  It has made me pause and reflect over whether he is someone I really want to date or not.  He told me he spoke with a good friend of his about the situation and asked him if he overreacted in which his friend told him he did. He told me that the question about his height just rubbed him the wrong way.  I apologized to him.  He at least wants to still meet up just to see if there is anything there.  So we may be meeting this evening after work.  Figured I’d at least meet him just to make certain of my choice.  I say that because I feel he’s a really nice guy whom I have a lot in common with on one hand, but on the other hand I kind of feel like I’d be walking on eggshells around him all the time for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.  It’s funny how much more you can find out about someone through a phone conversation and even more through an in person meeting.  Now maybe I am wasting my time by meeting him, but like I said, there are a lot of qualities I do like about him and he seemed very sincere when he called me and apologized for his “childish” reaction. (His words).   So I feel like this meeting will seal the deal one way or another.  

Just read your update after I'd already replied to your initial post. After he mistreated you, you reward him with a two hour conversation and a date. Do you have boundaries and deal-breakers in place to protect yourself?

[Gaeta]

Yes he acted impulsively but at the same time he was able to recognize his fault, call and offer a sincere apology. I would satisfy my curiosity by meeting him. 

[Fletch Lives]

I can understand short guys being sensitive to height talk.

By the way, don't they list height in the dating profile?

Well I'm glad things worked out.

 

[luiscasabuena]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Yes he acted impulsively but at the same time he was able to recognize his fault, call and offer a sincere apology. I would satisfy my curiosity by meeting him. 

Nobody's perfect but how he answered the question was a major red flag to me. If I were the OP though, I'd still meet him to give him another chance...

[Gaeta]

The way OP wrote her story, it's not so much that she asked his height but that she would not answer the same question in return. 

[luiscasabuena]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

The way OP wrote her story, it's not so much that she asked his height but that she would not answer the same question in return. 

I understand that it's a major sensitive thing among women to be asked their weight considering objectification issues... but I'm pretty sure the guy didn't ask the OP seriously but only as a response to her height question.

[Alpacalia]

For many short men, height is just as sensitive as weight is for some women.

Or, what if a man were to ask you your bra size as a means of weeding you out?

Edited April 21, 2021 by Alpaca

[Ami1uwant]

Instead...just ask about his length......

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

I just finished a two hour phone conversation with him.  I definitely have more clarity about the situation and him.  It has made me pause and reflect over whether he is someone I really want to date or not.  He told me he spoke with a good friend of his about the situation and asked him if he overreacted in which his friend told him he did. He told me that the question about his height just rubbed him the wrong way.  I apologized to him.  He at least wants to still meet up just to see if there is anything there.  So we may be meeting this evening after work.  Figured I’d at least meet him just to make certain of my choice.  I say that because I feel he’s a really nice guy whom I have a lot in common with on one hand, but on the other hand I kind of feel like I’d be walking on eggshells around him all the time for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. 

i get what you're saying and thinking. And, yet, I really admire him for trying to work through this. He seems to be a person who wants to grow in the way he deals with things. All people are going to have issues. And one of the best things a person can do/be is to be someone who deals with their issues. IMO, his behavior shows he is at least humble and tenacious. It also shows he really must like you! I would definitely meet him and if you haven't already, be sure to tell him you respect him for asking his friend's opinion, getting back in touch with you and working through this issue. If you end up in a R with him that will go a long way toward reinforcing what he has begun to build with you, a solid foundation of communication.

Also, I would never ask anyone a question about something for which they may feel insecure. Meaning, I wouldn't ask the most secure guy in the world what his height is whether he looked short or tall in his photos, being as I know some guys are sensitive about it. The guy I'm dating is 5'9". Before we met he asked me my height, but I didn't ask him his, because I could tell he wasn't tall and because I know height is a sensitive issue with some men. Also, he didn't ask me my weight. I'm a good weight but it would have put me off had he asked me mine.

Eye color, hair color, I'm fine with that. Height, weight, I'd stay away from asking about. Just like I wouldn't ask someone how much money they make.

[Allupinnit]

Given the fact that sooooo many men lie about their height before meeting (and before anyone says it, yes women lie about weight as well but we're talking about the OP's guy) I wouldn't be surprised if his reaction was BECAUSE he was lying about it to begin with, he freaked out and blocked you as to save face (AFTER lobbing the weight thing at you).

He's short, you can pretty much count on that.  But the main problem is his insecurity around it.  Insecure men are draining and insufferable - as you can see for yourself what you'll be dealing with any time he gets his feelings inadvertently hurt by you - a child.  

His reaction would lend me to give him a very hard pass.  

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, luiscasabuena said:

I understand that it's a major sensitive thing among women to be asked their weight considering objectification issues... but I'm pretty sure the guy didn't ask the OP seriously but only as a response to her height question.

OH! I re-read her story. I thought he asked for her height but he asked for her weight, I agree not the same and it was a knee jerk reaction to her height question. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

19 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

For many short men, height is just as sensitive as weight is for some women.

Or, what if a man were to ask you your bra size as a means of weeding you out?

Asking that last question to a virtual stranger is obscene. Big difference.

[chillii]

Don't get me wrong l agree with it all being sensitive and tricky stuff to have to ask, it use to drive me crazy being forced to ask such basic things bc people weren't upfront. But after all the trouble of going to meet a few people only to find out they were nothing like their pics and other things they'd said, it was awkward and didn't feel nice either buttttt, what else are you to do.

A guys height well , my height was on the site, but it'd be perfectly understandable she'd like to know if it wasn't.

[luiscasabuena]

This should be counted as a major red flag. What if he does it again on other questions? He still sounded like a kid. 

[Versacehottie]

I think it's hard for anyone to be reduced to a number, especially after you'd been talking so much.  Lol, I wouldn't recommend talking so much as others have said. Much better to get the appearance questions answered by the photos given or in person.  Like just take a risk on that part.  About the same as when a guy asks for additional photos---pretty rude and insensitive, objectifying.  Of course, you didn't really mean to do that to him--sounds like the height question was making conversation (to you).  Sensitive subject to him though, which if you step back you can understand.  Like Laura (i think) said, she can be slim but hates when a guy says "no overweight girls".  5'9" objectively might not be a problem for you or even many girls in general, but he subjectively has had an issue with it.  I'm going to guess that some girls pass him by specifically because of his height (i do know people who do this unfortunately) and has developed a chip on his shoulder about it.  The chip on his shoulder and his over the top reaction could really be the problem.  Typically because he might still feel inadequate about his height even though you have no issue with it--well into the relationship.  And the over the top reaction is a bit worrying.

I actually don't know that I would recommend "fighting" this way but the example of asking you your weight is actually comparable IMO.  I think it was an accurate way to point out that no one likes being reduced to a number that makes them feel vulnerable and judged and like they don't measure up properly (good one donnavin!).  I think he would have done better to point out that it was an equal example--without literally asking you.  To me, that sounds like someone who says hurtful things in the moment, ie he pointed it out that it was equally hurtful (fair) but USED it to ask directly (willing to hurt you even though he's acknowledging that it can be hurtful much like asking height) which is insensitive and mean-spirited.  Even though it is a completely valid point.  Be careful because you don't want to end up with someone who fights dirty.

I do think he could be hypersensitive due to the venue you guys were talking in and the fact that you don't really "know" each other.  When people are strangers or only know each other virtually, as you did, it's a proven fact that they are more dismissive, explosive, etc than they ever would be if you are a REAL person to them. Hence, all the crazy stuff that happens in OLD including ghosting etc, as well as happens often in forums like this one.  Glad you decided to meet AND that he tracked you down with an apology. Good luck

Edited April 21, 2021 by Versacehottie

[Allupinnit]

Blocking you was an incredibly extreme reaction.  It's not like you asked this out the gate - you had built what you thought was a comfortable rapport so it didn't seem intrusive at all, just getting to know one another more.

If after all this time of texting he asked you for some more photos (full body pics) would you have been offended?  I'm guessing not.

Edited April 21, 2021 by Allupinnit

[Beachead]

Hey Cora,

I think I have to chime in here because I'm probably the guy to talk about this. 

I'm 5'5. It's not just because of genetics. I grew up with a Chronic condition that messed with my height..yet I've been turned down by people who didn't give themselves a chance to get to know me, because that was all they saw.  It's wasn't a good feeling to say the least.  It was aggrivating actually.

Not all women care about height.  I know that. I have been privileged to know quite a few.  But many out there do.  Although I wouldn't call those women shallow as it's just human nature and people have preferences, it doesn't change the fact that it sucks..especially if you're on the short side, because you're being penalized for something out of your control.   Comparing it to weight isn't accurate because you can still do something about your weight. The more accurate comparison is skin colour.  Physical disability.  Visible markings.  

But when you're on the receiving end of living with  "Less than ideal" physical attributes, you learn how it can be a good thing because people who shut you down for that reason alone are EXACTLY the kind of people you'd be better off without anyway.   It's a screen, filtering out the ones no good for you, from the ones that are which makes life in that regard, a lot more simpler.  

So to those people on here judging the guy as "Sensitive" and what not, you know just as much about what it feels like as a healthy person does about living with a Chronic Illness.

For you, it was just a question.  For him, he guarded up, likely because it drummed a visual of the past 25 other girls who asked him the same question and had a problem with the number.   Credit to him for putting his ego aside, and questioning himself and then giving it a chance.  That's a good testament to his character.  And a credit to you as well Cora, for putting your ego aside and giving him a chance.  That's what this stuff is about.

Hopefully you both have a good time together and this leads to good things.

- Beach

 

Edited April 21, 2021 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

7 minutes ago, Beachead said:

So to those people on here judging the guy as "Sensitive" and what not, you know just as much about what it feels like as a healthy person does about living with a Chronic Illness.

I'm one who called this guy sensitive.  I meant it as in she struck a nerve with the Q.  I'm not one to pick on anybody about physical characteristics but the way he handled this was awful.  I saw the humor / reciprocity in asking about her weight.  It was an equally offensive Q.  I expect he hoped she'd realize that he didn't want to talk about it & apologize for asking.  Instead she took umbrage  & then the wheels fell off.  

Once he took the extreme overreaction of cutting her off, I would have been done due to the lack of maturity.  For him to now come back & ask for a 2nd chance. . . it's up to her & she's clearly nicer then me but that doesn't bode well for how he will deal with problems in the future.  

Height is not that important.  EQ is & he doesn't appear to have much.  

 

[luiscasabuena]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

Hey Cora,

I think I have to chime in here because I'm probably the guy to talk about this. 

I'm 5'5. It's not just because of genetics. I grew up with a Chronic condition that messed with my height..yet I've been turned down by people who didn't give themselves a chance to get to know me, because that was all they saw.  It's wasn't a good feeling to say the least.  It was aggrivating actually.

Not all women care about height.  I know that. I have been privileged to know quite a few.  But many out there do.  Although I wouldn't call those women shallow as it's just human nature and people have preferences, it doesn't change the fact that it sucks..especially if you're on the short side, because you're being penalized for something out of your control.   Comparing it to weight isn't accurate because you can still do something about your weight. The more accurate comparison is skin colour.  Physical disability.  Visible markings.  

But when you're on the receiving end of living with  "Less than ideal" physical attributes, you learn how it can be a good thing because people who shut you down for that reason alone are EXACTLY the kind of people you'd be better off without anyway.   It's a screen, filtering out the ones no good for you, from the ones that are which makes life in that regard, a lot more simpler.  

So to those people on here judging the guy as "Sensitive" and what not, you know just as much about what it feels like as a healthy person does about living with a Chronic Illness.

For you, it was just a question.  For him, he guarded up, likely because it drummed a visual of the past 25 other girls who asked him the same question and had a problem with the number.   Credit to him for putting his ego aside, and questioning himself and then giving it a chance.  That's a good testament to his character.  And a credit to you as well Cora, for putting your ego aside and giving him a chance.  That's what this stuff is about.

Hopefully you both have a good time together and this leads to good things.

- Beach

 

This is how the guy should've reacted to her question.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Asking that last question to a virtual stranger is obscene. Big difference.

Yes. I agree.

Maybe this man thought the question regarding his height was obnoxious or preferred not to be discounted over something he believes meaningless.

Everyone has their own preferences. If OP wants a man that is tall then I suppose asking upfront was the best option.

I suppose it all depends how you broach the height topic.

[Shining One]

I would not be offended by a woman asking me my height and I would answer honestly. I would ask her weight in response though because I would be curious about it. By similar reasoning, if a woman asked about my length and girth, I would answer honestly and then ask about her breast symmetry and perkiness. Basically, I let the woman decide how personal the questions get and adjust my questioning accordingly.

[norealusername]

I totally understand this guy, coming from personal experience as I am 5"8". A man's height is the overwhelming biggest requirement for women in online dating.

The average height of an American male is 5'9". Back when I first used online dating, women could list a height requirement for their matches. 75% would say you had to be over 5'10" and at least half required you be over 6'. However in real life, a lot of these women would date a guy under 6' no problem, I know this from experience.

So I totally get this guy's frustration. I also don't see the difference in asking someone's height as opposed to their weight. Both are body measurements.

[norealusername]

Also, this guy is likely under 5'9". Most guys lie about their height, anywhere from 1"-6".

[HiCrunchy]

Idk, I'll ask a guy his height bc I'm not afraid to reveal my boob, weight or height either as it personally doesn't bother me.

I guess, sometimes we have to be more sensitive to things other people migght find to be touchy. 

[d0nnivain]

Can I flip this around? 

I'm a fairly tall woman:  5'7"  Granted I'm happily married but for other's education is it OK to say something along the lines of I'm tall.  Should I wear flats or heels on our date?