Is asking for a guys height a bad thing?

[Cora]

I matched with this guy on Tinder.  We exchanged a few messages on the app and then we switched over to text.  We chatted non stop for two days......very good conversations about everything under the sun from what we were looking for, to dealbreakers, favorite movies/music, our family etc. Just your basic getting to know each other texts.  We had lots in common and both admitted we felt a strong connection.  We were up until 2am this morning texting as we could not get enough.  He asked to meet up for lunch or dinner or to perhaps attend a festival this weekend.  We both were excited about meeting each other....or so it seemed.

Then today he texts me good morning and we start chatting again before work.  I ask him “how tall are you?”  Totally not thinking anything of it as I was just curious.  He says “why?”  I’m like why what?  He says “why do you want to know my height?”  I told him I was just curious.  He says “and this was going so well.”  He tells me his height which was 5’9”.  Which I have no issue with at all.  He then asks “what is your weight?”  I totally didn’t see that coming, but I guess it’s only fair.  He just took me by surprise.  I asked why do you want to know my weight? He says “same reason you want to know my height.”  Gosh I guess I deserved that one.  I then tell him I’m sorry as I totally didn’t mean anything by it and instantly regretted asking him.  Well he blocked me.

So my question is....is asking for a mans height the equivalent of asking a woman’s weight?  Is it really taboo to ask such a question?  I honestly never looked at it that way and just took it as an innocent question, but I guess I’ll be more cautious in the future about asking a guy for his height.  It really wasn’t important to me....was honestly just trying to know more about him and make conversation.  Is he just ultra sensitive about his height?  I don’t know why he would be as he is not short by any means.  And I’ve dated men shorter than me before.  Does not bother me.  It just sucks because I had such an awesome time chatting and getting to know him and was excited to meet him.  Really felt a connection and he seemed really into me as well.  All for it to go down the toilet with one stupid question from me.  Sigh...

On one hand I get it....I am sensitive about my weight even though I’m pretty fit/eat healthy/work out regularly etc. Still telling someone my actual number on a scale leaves me feeling very vulnerable.  So if that’s how he felt when asked about his height then I totally get it.  Just never saw the two as being equal I guess.  All he had to say was he wasn’t comfortable giving his height and I would have dropped the subject.  But maybe he thought I was too superficial.  I just think blocking was a bit extreme.  However, I guess he has his reasons.

Thoughts?

[basil67]

Chances are he was reactive after having been blocked or dumped by shallow women who found him too short.   So while you were fine with his height, his immediate thought was 'here we go again'.   

Edited April 21, 2021 by basil67

[glows]

From what I've heard it is a sensitive subject among men but his response was extreme and insecure. Given the context and your conversations prior, he might have at least given you some benefit of the doubt but he didn't. 

I think you dodged a bullet. I have never asked a guy his height online and take it as a first meet type of thing, the same way I would gauge the way his eyes looked or the way he talks to me or to others. I'd much rather see it for myself than hear about it. 

Don't worry about this. I think he overreacted.

[Sun Seeker]

No it is not a bad thing to ask about height and it is not a sensitive thing either. His response was simply ridiculous and shows his insecurity.

Sounds like he did you a favour if that's how he responds to a basic question from a prospective new romantic interest when he should be making his best impression on you.

[Mrin]

Dude here. Mmmmmm I sort of understand his initial reaction but his overall reaction was way overboard. And a man's height does not equal a woman's weight. Sorry - it just doesn't. 

He sounds insecure. He may cool down and unblock you. 

I've had a woman ask me my height before (5'10") to which I had no problem answering. She followed up with "ok I just wanted to get the height correct when I think about kissing you" - which I thought was a nice way of closing the height discussion. She later confessed that she asked because for her height does matter - which I totally get. 

[Cora]

Thanks for the feedback.  It just came as such a blow.  I don’t know what game this guy is playing but he blocked me and unmatched me on Tinder and just now I get a notification that he super liked me on the app.  Either there is a glitch in the app, he’s crazy or he has a girlfriend/wife. 

[chillii]

Well as a guy back in single days weight was very important to me l wasn't interested in women that don't look after themselves . Height , it's a bloody date site , l think any of those questions are fair enough if people don't answer them on their page . Not like your standing beside ea other in a bar you don't know any of the most natural very first steps of out there in the real world. So if he or she doesn't say hth are you suppose to know if you don't ask. And yeah if l did have to ask and she was over weight , then l wasn't interested , so what, l'm interested in whomever l'm interested in and not in whomever l'm not.

Edited April 21, 2021 by chillii

[LauraXX]

I agree with Mrin. I think asking about height or weight is a bit insensitive. Or... maybe that‘s not the right word (English isn‘t my first language). I think mentioning a certain height as a requirement on your profile is one thing. If it were really important to you, that would be the way to go.

But talking to a guy for a while, getting to know him... and then asking about height. That‘s somehow different.

I‘m very slim but I would never! swipe right on a guy who has something like „only swipe right when you‘re in shape“ on his profile. So if I swiped right on somebody, talked to him for a few days and then he‘d ask about my weight, it would definitely rub me the wrong way. If it‘s a requirement for a first date, put it in your profile and let me decide if I want to date the kind of person who has a certain weight requirement. If not... let‘s meet and find out if there‘s chemistry. But talking to me for several days and then ticking off checkboxes before even asking me out  is annoying. 

HOWEVER: His reaction is way too extreme. He seems overly sensitive. It‘s fair that he didn’t like the question, but unmatching you because of it sounds weird. You probably dodged a bullet... 

[elaine567]

Male height is not equivalent to female weight as a women can always gain or lose weight, a man cannot change his height, he is stuck with it.
I can see why some men are therefore sensitive especially as the optimum in some circles is considered to be 6', with some women discounting any man who does not make the grade.
It is an online phenomenon I doubt any woman in real life would bin a good man purely for being an inch or so too short. 
Assuming he is telling the truth, this guy is 3" too short for some women, and I guess by his reaction, that 3", I guess is a source of great pain to him...

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Cora said:

.  We chatted non stop for two days.......  We were up until 2am this morning texting as we could not get enough.  

And this is the problem. Way too much texting.

Next time meet asap. All appearance questions are better answered that way.

 He asked you out.  Then you'll know how tall someone is.

Unfortunately it sounds like baggage asking that. On the other hand, his reaction was over the top.

Unfortunately he viewed your question as shallow and threw it back to you. Sounds like you are both a bit burned out from dating apps.

[Cora]

Well we just matched again and he sent me a message saying he wants to talk to me about what happened and asked for my number again.  I am so confused, but kind of want to know what he has to say.  Even if only to learn for next time.  

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Cora said:

Well we just matched again 

How did that happen? Yes, find out what he wants.

[SaraSays]

5 hours ago, Cora said:

We chatted non stop for two days......very good conversations about everything under the sun from what we were looking for, to dealbreakers, favorite movies/music, our family etc. Just your basic getting to know each other texts.

I don't think this is a good idea, but people have all kinds of different opinions about this. It creates a false sense of intimacy and comfort to send so many test messages back and forth with a stranger, I think - we fill in the blanks with something positive, something fitting our ideal, and we create an illusion of a person (and present ourselves as an illusion, too). We present a scripted, window-dressed idea of ourself, and they do, too.

Video chatting would be a far better solution, in my opinion, right now, as it's much more natural, and you can see body language, see whether someone is smiley, see how they hold themself a little.

[Justanaverageguy]

@Cora On its own no. Generally guys honestly don't really care unless they are particularly short and is self conscious about it. For most guys - even like this one who was not tall but also not really super short or anything either. 5'9 is kind of average height and finding a shorter girl isn't really an issue. Some girls have a thing about 6 foot. But I'm 5'10 and genuinely my height never bothered me.  I honestly never had it come up once in dating. Generally a guy actually wants to date a shorter girl so it works. So the height thing usually isn't a problem for most people. 

But if the question comes across as if its part of a perceived "check list"  of items a woman has to tick off in order to go on a date - then yes it can be an issue.  And actually I often find this is regardless of mans actual height. Even tall guys I know will be offended / weirded out by this. Like they can be 6'4 and really put off by a girl asking about height in the wrong way even if shes really into the fact hes tall (this can however depend if they want a relationship or just want to get laid - the former it becomes an issue). 

Because it kind of speaks to a womans motives in the dating process. Its not even so much the "superficiality" or attractiveness part of it. Because guys know girls have to be attracted to you in order to date. Works the same in reverse - we have to be attracted to the girl for it to work to. But sometimes the height thing can come across like the woman has a shopping list and it feels more like she is shopping for vegetables then a date. Like must be this tall. Must earn this much money. Must work in this industry. It can come off as very petty and impersonal which is a massive massive turn off for guys. This is maybe one of the most unattractive vibes women can put out for a guy looking for a serious relationship. 

Its not so much the question - but the "vibe" of the way its asked. Depends alot around the overall context of the conversation. With this guy - it didn't sound like you asked it in that way. You talked for 2 days. So I would say more likely hes been spending way to much time on tinder where the shopping list mentality is more prevalent and has been burned a few times for being 5'9

 

Edited April 21, 2021 by Justanaverageguy

[d0nnivain]

I agree with @Wiseman2  What you characterize as non-stop texting for 2 days that made you feel happy  & connected I see as a huge red flag.  It's too much too soon through a medium (text) that tells you very little.   Slow your roll.  When OLD "connections" start like this they fade out because you fool yourself into thinking there's a foundation when it's nothing more than illusion built on sand. 

Knowing you are sensitive about your weight, you need to be sensitive to issues that trigger other people like height & weight.  You weren't, & then you played coy rather than answering the Q.  He blocked you which was an immature overly emotional petty thing to do.  Now he wants to reconnected & you are thinking about it.  My Q to you is why would you want such a child back in your life.  You already know he has poor communication & poor conflict management.  He's hyper sensitive.  Why do you want to get on what will inevitably be a break up make up merry go round.  He's gonna break up with you every time he's upset.  Sounds like a waste of time.  I wouldn't bother.  You have seen his true colors & they are not pretty  

[Blind-Sided]

You answered your own question... and people above have basically answered.   But yes... it's all the "Stereotype" or illusion that we hold.  A guy should be big, tall, muscular.  A woman should be slender, soft, and feminine. (and shorter than her man)   So... regardless of what real life is... those qualities are part of everyone's psyche.  That's exactly why you feel "Vulnerable"  when someone asks, even though (it sounds like) you are fit.   So why wouldn't you expect the same if you blindly ask a guy questions about what society holds true to guys??

AND... like @elaine567said... he may have just come out of a relationship with a shallow girl, and figured that's where it was heading.

AND... like @Wiseman2 said... this is the problem with too much texting.   You don't have to ask "How tall are you" because you will be able to tell as soo as you meet in person.  Not to mention... somthign I've seen here a lot... people build a relationship in their head, that won't exist in real life.  Some people are the polar opposite of how they  txt. 

Anyway... sorry this happened.  Just mark it as a learning experience.  Both for what to ask in a txt... and to not txt so much before meeting. 

Edited April 21, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Blind-Sided]

Oh..............

Just as an FYI... people who are secure in those things will answer without an issue.  BUT... since you never met... you don't know.   As for myself.... I have Deep blue eyes, I'm 6' tall, and 240lbs.  (but I don't carry it fatty)  I'm just fortunate to be a guy... because I'm gray and bald. LOL. But, after my D... I found girls really don't mind that. 

[ShyViolet]

His reaction to you asking his height was ridiculous and extreme.  To block you over it?  Take that as a sign that he's insecure and overreacts to little things. 

Yes I understand that many men are insecure about their height or think that women are shallow about this subject, but the way he reacted to it was over the top.

[Cora]

Thank you all for the replies and feedback.  I agree that I got too caught up with him too soon through texting back and forth before meeting.  I know it’s something I need to work on.  I will also be more careful with asking sensitive questions in the future with potential dates.  
 

I just finished a two hour phone conversation with him.  I definitely have more clarity about the situation and him.  It has made me pause and reflect over whether he is someone I really want to date or not.  He told me he spoke with a good friend of his about the situation and asked him if he overreacted in which his friend told him he did. He told me that the question about his height just rubbed him the wrong way.  I apologized to him.  He at least wants to still meet up just to see if there is anything there.  So we may be meeting this evening after work.  Figured I’d at least meet him just to make certain of my choice.  I say that because I feel he’s a really nice guy whom I have a lot in common with on one hand, but on the other hand I kind of feel like I’d be walking on eggshells around him all the time for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.  It’s funny how much more you can find out about someone through a phone conversation and even more through an in person meeting.  Now maybe I am wasting my time by meeting him, but like I said, there are a lot of qualities I do like about him and he seemed very sincere when he called me and apologized for his “childish” reaction. (His words).   So I feel like this meeting will seal the deal one way or another.  

[d0nnivain]

I agree that you generally need to meet somebody in person to get the "full measure of the man."  [please read man as person]  Here I'm not sure that is necessary because you already know he has poor conflict resolution skills, is childish & can't keep his own counsel.  It's more fun & more productive to date grown ups.  . 

[Blind-Sided]

Good.  I'm glad you are going to actually meet in person.  That's the only real way to know. 

Oh... and @d0nnivain.... pun intended?  LOL  (measure of a man)

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Oh... and @d0nnivain.... pun intended?  LOL  (measure of a man)

Whoops.  Actually no.  I really didn't mean to make a height joke.  😳

[Blind-Sided]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Whoops.  Actually no.  I really didn't mean to make a height joke.  😳

That's ok... Made me smile this morning. 

[luiscasabuena]

I think it's a bad thing but I won't mind answering the question because I'm already happy with everything I have. I'm even shorter than 5'9" so I really don't mind. I have other qualities that makes me happy and confident in myself.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

9 hours ago, Cora said:

I matched with this guy on Tinder.  We exchanged a few messages on the app and then we switched over to text.  We chatted non stop for two days......very good conversations about everything under the sun from what we were looking for, to dealbreakers, favorite movies/music, our family etc. Just your basic getting to know each other texts.  We had lots in common and both admitted we felt a strong connection.  We were up until 2am this morning texting as we could not get enough.  He asked to meet up for lunch or dinner or to perhaps attend a festival this weekend.  We both were excited about meeting each other....or so it seemed.

Then today he texts me good morning and we start chatting again before work.  I ask him “how tall are you?”  Totally not thinking anything of it as I was just curious.  He says “why?”  I’m like why what?  He says “why do you want to know my height?”  I told him I was just curious.  He says “and this was going so well.”  He tells me his height which was 5’9”.  Which I have no issue with at all.  He then asks “what is your weight?”  I totally didn’t see that coming, but I guess it’s only fair.  He just took me by surprise.  I asked why do you want to know my weight? He says “same reason you want to know my height.”  Gosh I guess I deserved that one.  I then tell him I’m sorry as I totally didn’t mean anything by it and instantly regretted asking him.  Well he blocked me.

So my question is....is asking for a mans height the equivalent of asking a woman’s weight?  Is it really taboo to ask such a question?  I honestly never looked at it that way and just took it as an innocent question, but I guess I’ll be more cautious in the future about asking a guy for his height.  It really wasn’t important to me....was honestly just trying to know more about him and make conversation.  Is he just ultra sensitive about his height?  I don’t know why he would be as he is not short by any means.  And I’ve dated men shorter than me before.  Does not bother me.  It just sucks because I had such an awesome time chatting and getting to know him and was excited to meet him.  Really felt a connection and he seemed really into me as well.  All for it to go down the toilet with one stupid question from me.  Sigh...

On one hand I get it....I am sensitive about my weight even though I’m pretty fit/eat healthy/work out regularly etc. Still telling someone my actual number on a scale leaves me feeling very vulnerable.  So if that’s how he felt when asked about his height then I totally get it.  Just never saw the two as being equal I guess.  All he had to say was he wasn’t comfortable giving his height and I would have dropped the subject.  But maybe he thought I was too superficial.  I just think blocking was a bit extreme.  However, I guess he has his reasons.

Thoughts?

You've dodged a big bullet. His reaction to that question, especially after you explained you were just curious, was way over the top and suggests a severe emotional issue. Let this serve as a warning that hitting it off with someone in the very beginning means almost nothing, as everyone is wearing a mask and putting their best foot forward. This side of him would have come out sooner or later. Better now than after you've invested a lot of time and been intimate.