curious_guy Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 If I deeply believe that there is darkness within me that I cant conquer, should I even try to find a girlfriend? They say depression is the most common psychological disorder. How do other people do it? Are they fun on first three dates and then they say : hey, guess what? I am fun now, but i decided to kill myself when my parent die at the age of 5. I am now 35 and still hold on to the same idea. Is that the first sentence they say? In the light of honesty, so the other person knows what she will be dealing with ? Do they lure her into relationship with their humor and wit and then slowly start dragging their life force out of them with their depression, never fully disclosing it? Or do they never give themselves a chance ? Because, what if love can relieve your depression enough for you and your partner to be happy? Is that even possible? How can person be fair to both sides in such situation? Thoughts?
Sun Seeker Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 No you should not try to find a girlfriend. You need to be able to love yourself before you can love someone else. Sort out your own problems then when you are in a better state of mind begin the search. For now, just focus on making yourself better. 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 With appropriate medical treatment and supportive therapy you'll feel better. When you are stable with medications and therapy is helping, maybe 6 mos from now, you may be able to date. However if you simply have a chronically nihilistic attitude and self loathing, you won't have much luck dating until you get that under better control.
d0nnivain Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 You get a therapist & you deal with it. You stop trying to tough it out on your own. There are techniques, there are breathing exercises; it's manageable. You don't go looking for love while you are in this state. The law of attraction says you get what you put out there so if you are out of sorts you are only going to attract another broken person & neither of you will have the fortitude to sustain a healthy balanced relationship. So address your needs 1st. Then go look for a partner
SaraSays Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 What structure do you have in place to handle in day-to-day? Are you under treatment? Do you have active hobbies, that involve moving your body a lot? Do you read and study?
Gaeta Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 You need to take care of yourself first, be treated and actively see a therapist. I once dated a man that his parents died in a car accident when he was 7. He was raised by his uncle & aunt. He grew up to be an engineer, married, had children but everything to him was negative, unfair, he was constantly complaining about everything and how life had been unfair to him. He was a dark pit walking around. It lasted a couple of months only.
luiscasabuena Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 You can be friends with some ladies if you need some diversion from the negative thoughts. Or hang out with some guys. Have fun. Along the way, you might find true love. Who knows. Who knows.
Negotaurus Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 Your mindset is very telling. You keep on telling yourself that you’re clinically depressed, you can’t conquer it, you will want to kill yourself, you this and you that. You’re a victim, basically. I’m schizophrenic and have also experienced severe depression. What helped me and what continues to help me is the fact that I refuse to fall victim to it. I got blessed with a life, I will enjoy and make the best out of it. Many are a LOT less fortunate than we are. Gratefulness will take you far. Find a therapist, get medicated if needed, get the ball rolling. If you choose to let it rule your life, that’s on you. You can conquer it. It’s your life and you have control over it. You’re more than your illness. 1 1
Author curious_guy Posted April 22, 2021 Author Posted April 22, 2021 On 4/21/2021 at 1:22 PM, SaraSays said: What structure do you have in place to handle in day-to-day? Are you under treatment? Do you have active hobbies, that involve moving your body a lot? Do you read and study? Don't have any structure. I enrolled for psychiatric help, but am waiting my turn. It is busy time for them, i guess. I am not under any treatment. Don't have hobbies per se, but i am physically very active. I walk 3-4 hours a day, jump rope 1000 times per day and do a 30-minutes weight lifting training. This I started two weeks ago, because my body literally forced me. I have developed severe GERD since september last year. I am finishing my PhD, so i read and study a lot. Not so effectively, because my mind goes to childhood traumas that i feel ruined me for good and my focus is not at its best.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 On 4/21/2021 at 7:21 AM, Negotaurus said: Your mindset is very telling. You keep on telling yourself that you’re clinically depressed, you can’t conquer it, you will want to kill yourself, you this and you that. You’re a victim, basically. I’m schizophrenic and have also experienced severe depression. What helped me and what continues to help me is the fact that I refuse to fall victim to it. I got blessed with a life, I will enjoy and make the best out of it. Many are a LOT less fortunate than we are. Gratefulness will take you far. Find a therapist, get medicated if needed, get the ball rolling. If you choose to let it rule your life, that’s on you. You can conquer it. It’s your life and you have control over it. You’re more than your illness. With all due respect, this is Toxic Positivity. It's denying, minimizing and invalidating someone else's very real experience. 2
Author curious_guy Posted April 22, 2021 Author Posted April 22, 2021 On 4/21/2021 at 2:21 PM, Negotaurus said: Your mindset is very telling. You keep on telling yourself that you’re clinically depressed, you can’t conquer it, you will want to kill yourself, you this and you that. You’re a victim, basically. I’m schizophrenic and have also experienced severe depression. What helped me and what continues to help me is the fact that I refuse to fall victim to it. I got blessed with a life, I will enjoy and make the best out of it. Many are a LOT less fortunate than we are. Gratefulness will take you far. Find a therapist, get medicated if needed, get the ball rolling. If you choose to let it rule your life, that’s on you. You can conquer it. It’s your life and you have control over it. You’re more than your illness. I am entitled to feel like a victim. I can not control the past and how it affected neural circuits in my brain. That being said, I am constantly fighting it and I am feeling better already. Last week, I removed a girl who used me to get closer to my brother from FB friends, so I was under the weather. I think this wave of severe depression is officially over. 1
Author curious_guy Posted April 22, 2021 Author Posted April 22, 2021 25 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: With all due respect, this is Toxic Positivity. It's denying, minimizing and invalidating someone else's very real experience. Thanks. I do feel better now, though. 1
vla1120 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 1 hour ago, curious_guy said: my mind goes to childhood traumas that i feel ruined me for good Those childhood traumas are things that happened to you, but you (with some professional help and self love) can rise above them and keep them from dictating the rest of your life. I also had some childhood traumas. Even at 60 years old, there are things that trigger me and mentally put me right back at that time, but the in-between times, when I am living my life, loving my daughters, enjoying my job, and getting unconditional love from my dog and cat, those are the times that keep me going and make me happy. The older you get, the longer and stronger those in-between times become (when you're not thinking about your childhood and its effect on you.) Do you write? I have been keeping a journal for over 40 years. I've written about the traumas and what I've done in my life to help me cope with them - the things I've learned from therapy - reminders - to get me through the tough moments, etc. I rarely go back and read the "hard" stuff I've written, but I do go back and read the coping reminders and successes to remind me of how far I have come in my life. You'll get there, too. Give yourself some time.
smackie9 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 (edited) Sorry but a relationship will only make matters worse. When you have your lows, then there is resentment from your partner, guilt from you, which becomes unhealthy struggles...then you go down that rabbit hole of darkness. My mom has it, and even with medication, regular doctor visits, etc, there are times she hits a wall. She becomes unbearable, and tries to pull me down with her. I have to tell her to get to the doctor to increase her dosage. She doesn't seek counseling tho and I find that to be a problem. Edited April 22, 2021 by smackie9
Author curious_guy Posted April 22, 2021 Author Posted April 22, 2021 1 hour ago, vla1120 said: Those childhood traumas are things that happened to you, but you (with some professional help and self love) can rise above them and keep them from dictating the rest of your life. I also had some childhood traumas. Even at 60 years old, there are things that trigger me and mentally put me right back at that time, but the in-between times, when I am living my life, loving my daughters, enjoying my job, and getting unconditional love from my dog and cat, those are the times that keep me going and make me happy. The older you get, the longer and stronger those in-between times become (when you're not thinking about your childhood and its effect on you.) Do you write? I have been keeping a journal for over 40 years. I've written about the traumas and what I've done in my life to help me cope with them - the things I've learned from therapy - reminders - to get me through the tough moments, etc. I rarely go back and read the "hard" stuff I've written, but I do go back and read the coping reminders and successes to remind me of how far I have come in my life. You'll get there, too. Give yourself some time. I write. Two days ago I wrote a letter to the girl I unfriended on facebook, which I don't plan to send. That helped a bit. I do feel a bit bad because I removed her abruptly, without notice, but I think that my conclusion about her using me to get to my brother is pretty spot on. I just hope I won't be reminded of her good relations with my brother throughout next few years.
Negotaurus Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 14 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: With all due respect, this is Toxic Positivity. It's denying, minimizing and invalidating someone else's very real experience. So what is your solution? Enable him to continue telling himself "I am a victim and can't conquer it"? He will never get better like that. Depressed people usually never want to hear that they are not the victim because it's confrontation. In my comment I told him he can get better, that he needs to get the ball rolling and start taking steps towards getting better. In no way was I denying or invalidating his experience. But I refuse to pity people like this because it fuels their depressed minds.
SaraSays Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 16 hours ago, curious_guy said: I write. Two days ago I wrote a letter to the girl I unfriended on facebook, which I don't plan to send. That helped a bit. I do feel a bit bad because I removed her abruptly, without notice, but I think that my conclusion about her using me to get to my brother is pretty spot on. I just hope I won't be reminded of her good relations with my brother throughout next few years. You may know this already, but in case not, writing a diary each day is very good for mental health for many people. I'm also a fan of writing a lot when I am trying to come to terms with trauma. Might this be something to try? 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 6 hours ago, Negotaurus said: So what is your solution? Enable him to continue telling himself "I am a victim and can't conquer it"? He will never get better like that. Depressed people usually never want to hear that they are not the victim because it's confrontation. In my comment I told him he can get better, that he needs to get the ball rolling and start taking steps towards getting better. In no way was I denying or invalidating his experience. But I refuse to pity people like this because it fuels their depressed minds. Have you interviewed every single depressed person to know what they "usually want to hear"? What are your credentials in Mental Health?
Negotaurus Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Have you interviewed every single depressed person to know what they "usually want to hear"? What are your credentials in Mental Health? I have been very involved with different mental illnesses, especially depression, which I have experienced myself. I was suicidal and attempted twice, my point being that I think I know very well how cruel depression can be. I don’t need to be a pilot to know that a helicopter shouldn’t sit on top of a tree, I can still share my opinion that “Hey, it probably shouldn’t be there”. If my credentials mattered, 99% of us shouldn’t be allowed to post here. It’s a public forum with people that are entitled to differing opinions. And here’s why I have mine: A healthy person will not think “I am sad, I can’t get over it”. A healthy person knows that whatever happens, they can overcome it, they will take it a step at a time, and they will do it. A person’s mind is usually their worst enemy when it comes to depression, and in OP’s case it needs to change drastically and ASAP. In case of “toxic positivity” I would have went on telling him “You’re ok and you’re fine”. Instead I stated his mindset is hurting him, here’s what I think you should do, here’s what helped me - I won’t fall victim to it No depressed person will happily go get help or acquire a healthy mindset in a day. But in today’s world we have access to medication, therapy, self-help guides, different hobbies. Somebody I knew from a schizo group did not have the money for therapy, so he kept on searching till he found a therapist who was willing to cut down the price and make a payment plan with him. Another person found help online. If that’s possible in my small country where mental health is basically a joke, I am confident it’s possible anywhere. And when help is available for us, no, I will not victimise people. The OP is most likely a victim in what happened in his childhood (I say most likely because we cannot know for sure), he probably had no control there. He has control now. In my opinion, when people enable depressed people to wallow in it, well that’s, what, toxic negativity then? Edited April 23, 2021 by Negotaurus
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