New prospect but troubled

April 22, 2021

On 4/21/2021 at 12:09 PM, Versacehottie said:

I think some guys who are "educated" will take issue with a woman who talks about people in that way so it's problematic and tone deaf to behave like that.

Oops I also thought more about it and even though I said you could be honest with us here (which I still think you can), the reality is that it didn't even cross your mind that you might offend posters who either are a mail person or have loved ones in their lives that are (or simply don't look down on that career).

Idk, I think that's part of the stuff you need to work on to be a better at your social graces & your EQ. And probably playing into the reason you aren't having as much luck as you'd like with other guys that you think are more suitable for you.

Not explaining myself as well as I'd like to but hopefully it's getting though.

April 23, 2021

2 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Oops I also thought more about it and even though I said you could be honest with us here (which I still think you can), the reality is that it didn't even cross your mind that you might offend posters who either are a mail person or have loved ones in their lives that are (or simply don't look down on that career).

Idk, I think that's part of the stuff you need to work on to be a better at your social graces & your EQ. And probably playing into the reason you aren't having as much luck as you'd like with other guys that you think are more suitable for you.

Not explaining myself as well as I'd like to but hopefully it's getting though.

I don’t think the OP really cares about social graces. Does she ever respond to posters in her threads? Does she ever say “thanks”?
It’s pretty evident what is causing the lack of dating options.

April 23, 2021

On 4/22/2021 at 1:16 AM, BaileyB said:

In which case, it would be very “cool”

Why is it that when I picture “mailman,” I picture Cliff Claven? “This is a little known fact...”

I picture Newman from Seinfeld. Especially OP's description of the man in question being overweight.

April 23, 2021

7 hours ago, jspice said:

I don’t think the OP really cares about social graces. Does she ever respond to posters in her threads? Does she ever say “thanks”?
It’s pretty evident what is causing the lack of dating options.

I suspect this is because the OP actually doesn't want advice or help. I've thought this ever since she ended a post with, "I just wanted to share another war story." She has got a fixed belief that her dating life is always going to be terrible and all she wants is a.) confirmation of that and b.) an audience for her pity party. Her social life seems to be built around picking holes in people and complaining about them on the Internet.

April 23, 2021

The problems with many who struggle is that they have this image of themselves which does not play out in real life.
They feel they are younger, fitter, more educated, more interesting, better looking than they are and are thus disappointed in who they actually attract.
OLD is a wake up call and no-one on OLD will "obviously" do, and IRL they feel only "the dregs" find them attractive.
This is where MO is at.

She is angry that "an old and fat, divorced mailman with brown teeth", should dare to think he was her equal and ask her out.
She is angry that she is reduced to this, when she deludedly thought she deserved and was entitled to superman.
However, it is all about accepting your place in life and acting accordingly and making the best of it.
No-one can turn back time. At 46, 50 yo guys are in your dating pool whether you like it or not.
The man is also a comic, I think that would make for an interesting few hours, if nothing else.

April 23, 2021

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

They feel they are younger, fitter, more educated, more interesting, better looking than they are and are thus disappointed in who they actually attract.

But different people see you in different ways.

I'll say this - the brown teeth are a dealbreaker.

April 23, 2021

13 hours ago, jspice said:

I don’t think the OP really cares about social graces. Does she ever respond to posters in her threads? Does she ever say “thanks”?
It’s pretty evident what is causing the lack of dating options.

1000 times yes to this post! I'm pretty sure she is the only person I've every said that to as well---"like why don't you say thanks, gratitude would help you, CONNECTION even just with us would help you"

I think it would also be more accurate if she put all her posts together as more of a dating journey since the "issue" is usually the same rather than start new posts to in a way drop and run away from the previous theme--when if you remember, as it seems many do!---the theme is the same basically.

April 23, 2021

On 4/20/2021 at 11:08 PM, mortensorchid said:

people often times mistake me for being in my 20s so if he was looking for a 20 year old I am not that.

I think there may be something interesting to explore here. Do you look in your 20s because you have amazing skin products OR because you still dress like you're in your 20s? See, women of a certain age that won't let go of their college wardrobe kind of attract a certain type of men.

April 23, 2021

I don't think anything can be read into comments like "oh you look so young/good/much younger than your age" and so on. Most people say such things to flatter, but not genuinely. Often when I compliment someone, they immediately try to compliment me, and I gently discourage them from complimenting me in that moment, and encourage them just to accept my compliment. I hate the reciprocal compliment, as it's fake to me. If someone randomly compliments me (other than if it is to do with age), I will say thanks, smile, and leave it at that.

For every person who thinks we look genuinely wonderful, we can bet a million others would just think we look average or disappointing, so I don't think anything can be extrapolated to mean something with a lot of depth and meaning.

I will also say that, personally, I find alluding to me looking young, to be a bit of an insult. It tends to be only said to women, as people think women are insecure about ageing. I am quite happy to be the age I am, and to get older. Time has taught me a lot. I view the world very differently with each passing year, and I am encouraged by that, because nothing really ever stays the same in life.

I say cheers to getting older, and being proud of our bodies and faces as they age.

April 24, 2021

I still look in my 20s because I have good genes and stay out of the sun as much as possible. Wardrobe? I dress mostly age appropriate.

I am going to give this a shot. We will meet on Sunday.

April 24, 2021

On 4/20/2021 at 11:08 PM, mortensorchid said:

Last weekend I went to shoot a web series episode with a friend of mine. He set this up for me and a few others he shoots this low budget version of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia which I appeared on in the past. I chatted with a few people there, added them on Facebook, then my scene was first. We shot it in 20 minutes, then I bowed out.

I got home then a few hours later I get an IM on Facebook from this guy. He said it was nice working with you, I said thanks you as well. He said just throwing this out there but want to have dinner with me? I asked him some basic questions - How old was he? He's 50. I said because I am 46 - people often times mistake me for being in my 20s so if he was looking for a 20 year old I am not that. He said he was not looking for that. He's divorced, 2 kids who are teenagers, a comic and a mailman.

How do I feel about him? Well, he seems decent based on the little I know of him. But... He's old and fat and his teeth are brownish. And he's a mailman and I am educated. But if I don't try then I will be alone forever.

Am I wrong?

I think it's the opposite. The more you try, the more likely you'll be alone forever. Romance, serendipity, and attraction follows the law of being self fulfilled.

Find something that will get your mind off of men. I suggest yoga. I used to work at a yoga center back in college and saw women in their 50's with the most amazing yoga butts. And they all had this vibe that they didn't need a man, which made them all the more appealing. That's how attraction works. You have to not need it in order to attract it.

I also used to be in the military where I saw women in their 50's who look like they were in their 20's from behind. Women have no excuse. All they have to do is take care of themselves.

Self love is the greatest love of all. And it will attract all good things in life.

April 24, 2021

11 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I still look in my 20s because I have good genes and stay out of the sun as much as possible. Wardrobe? I dress mostly age appropriate.

I am going to give this a shot. We will meet on Sunday.

Good genes implies it's positive to look young. Isn't it neutral in value? What's wrong with us looking our age? What's appealable about looking young?

April 26, 2021

So this is how it went :

We both got to the place at the same time, happened to pull our cars in at the same time. We sat and he talked all about his ex wife and his kids (he's about to be a grandfather as well as his oldest daughter is pregnant). He is a mailman, he told me all about his encounters while on his mail route. Some were funny, some were disturbing. He was shaking, he said he has cirrhosis but not from drinking. He asked me why I'd never been married, I said because no one's asked me. Then I shifted under the table and found that my leg had fallen asleep thanks to being in the same position for a long time. I got up and limped around to get the circulation going again. Then I said "I am going to call it." And he said "It had been a long time for me." I put my jacket on and walked out, he didn't follow me. Came home and washed my makeup off. I wondered why I bothered to put it on.

April 26, 2021

I guess don’t wear makeup next time?

You seem to put a lot of emphasis on age and looks and I’m not certain what you fear. Getting older or losing your looks? Maybe you need to do some self reflection? It can’t hurt and you certainly are at an age where you should be doing this. Continuously bringing up that you look to be in your 20’s signifies lack of personal growth and could be why there is lack of interest to pursue second dates.

April 26, 2021

You seem to have a self-defeating attitude on these dates. From your posts, I feel like you give these dates a chance to impress you, but you're never impressed. You take action where you think they should follow, call, or beg for your attention, and when they don't your self-fulfilling prophecy comes true again. I don't think there is anything wrong with being single. We live in a patriarchal society that instills in women that if we end up alone there is something wrong with us, we should settle because what we want won't come looking for us, we should get a dog or a cat and stare desperately out the window for something to come that will never come. I feel that's sort of the view you have, but please don't fall for it. As long you stay physical, go out with friends, improve yourself (psychologically and spiritually), and have a positive attitude possible romantic possibilities will open up. It's true you have not need it to attract it.

April 26, 2021

You had already made your decision about this guy before you went on this date. Which is why it wasn’t a “date,” you sat in a car to talk and essentially offered up your resumes. To end the date by saying “I’m going to call it” seems pretty rude to me. It does essentially become a self fulfilling prophesy, this date went pretty much exactly as predicted.

Edited April 26, 2021 by BaileyB

April 26, 2021

12 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Then I said "I am going to call it." And he said "It had been a long time for me." I put my jacket on and walked out, he didn't follow me.

I get the impression you are abrupt and kind of rude.
Why do you do that?

April 26, 2021

I don't think the way things turned out is a surprise at all. You not only weren't interested in the guy ahead of time, you had a list of things that were "wrong" with him. So all this did was to solidify even further your negative attitude about dating.

Don't go out with someone unless there is something about them that interests you. Doesn't have to be a lot, but at least something about them that catches your interest. Don't go out with someone just because they ask.

Your answer to the question of why you had never married "because no one has asked me" seems a little odd (as if it all depends on someone else), but then his asking the question was awkward. In my experience people just generally discuss their relationship histories to learn more about each other. But then that conversation would come from some kind of actual interest, on both sides.

Do you ever just naturally/organically connect with someone and start talking and decide to go get coffee (or whatever)? I've done very little formal "dating" in my life, the relationships I've had have grown from chance meetings. Even though you met this guy in that way, you were already clear about having no interest in him, so there was no actual connection. It's clear you don't want to settle (and you absolutely shouldn't). If you can't get through a single date, you aren't going to be able to settle for someone just so that you won't be alone. So stop thinking in terms of "I'll be alone forever".

I agree that you seem to be rather abrupt and yes, rude. Maybe focus on why that is. Real connection requires warmth and caring about the feelings of the other person.

Edited April 26, 2021 by FMW

April 26, 2021

13 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

We sat and he talked all about his ex wife and his kids (he's about to be a grandfather as well as his oldest daughter is pregnant). He is a mailman, he told me all about his encounters while on his mail route. Some were funny, some were disturbing.

Part of this "date failure" is on him... First off, it is OK to give a brief overview about your kids, but nobody wants to hear about what your kids have done or any details about them. Secondly, don't talk about the ex-wife, acknowledge that you are divorced and say no more about the subject. After all, it is a date... not a therapy session. He could have said "Yes, I've been divorced for "X" number of years, but I'd prefer not to discuss my ex-wife/subject of ex-wife."

As a male, when I date someone new, I have some "canned" subjects that should promote natural conversation. Camping trips you may have been on, adventures (prior to the pandemic), National Parks of interest, favorite vacation, best birthday, favorite movies, etc. (Feel good, happy subjects) I also search the local news web-sites for some "feel good" stories and keep that in the back of my mind. Doing a little prep work before the date will keep you off those "taboo" subjects of ex-wives, ex-husbands, etc.

13 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

So this is how it went :

He is a mailman, he told me all about his encounters while on his mail route. Some were funny, some were disturbing.

I'm OK with "funny" work stories... but not disturbing or scary ones. Again, this was a "faux pas" on his part.

13 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

He asked me why I'd never been married, I said because no one's asked me.

Totally inappropriate for him to ask such a question, that almost seems mean or vindictive.

13 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I put my jacket on and walked out, he didn't follow me.

I'm sure others will disagree with me, but I think he should have walked you to your car. He should have said... "Wait a minute, let me pay the bill and I'll walk you to your car." Good date or bad date, I still think the man should walk the woman to her car.

April 26, 2021

14 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

So this is how it went :

We both got to the place at the same time, happened to pull our cars in at the same time. We sat and he talked all about his ex wife and his kids (he's about to be a grandfather as well as his oldest daughter is pregnant). He is a mailman, he told me all about his encounters while on his mail route. Some were funny, some were disturbing. He was shaking, he said he has cirrhosis but not from drinking. He asked me why I'd never been married, I said because no one's asked me. Then I shifted under the table and found that my leg had fallen asleep thanks to being in the same position for a long time. I got up and limped around to get the circulation going again. Then I said "I am going to call it." And he said "It had been a long time for me." I put my jacket on and walked out, he didn't follow me. Came home and washed my makeup off. I wondered why I bothered to put it on.

You sound kind of rude and antisocial. I don't understand why you bothered to go on this date at all, when you had a cynical attitude towards him from the start.

April 28, 2021

I suppose, must just be the sociopathic tendencies I got from Dad. But I decided that I am just not "one of those people" who should be with someone. It was rather painful but I have to face facts on this. Have a face that could crack a mirror and a serious / coplike attitude so that's that.

April 28, 2021

You break my heart, mortensorchid. I still hope for you that someone comes along that you really click with.

April 28, 2021

I met my now ex at work...

He was significantly overweight and had bad teeth. I initially wasn't attracted but over time once I got to know how hilarious, sweet, caring and wonderful he was, I developed a powerful attraction to him. Even to this day as we part ways, I still think he's one of the sexiest men I've ever met and I feel that way mainly because of how well he's treated me and what a sTand up guy he is

I think sometimes we get to a point where we no longer value the superficial as much as we once did and instead place a higher value on how someone treats us and the kind of person they are.

Give him a chance. You never know

Edited April 28, 2021 by Dis

April 28, 2021

9 hours ago, Dis said:

Give him a chance.

Since she "called it" and ended the date, I don't think she'll get another chance (unless the guy has no self-respect).

April 28, 2021

You drive men away with your dry, negative attitude. I know most men you encounter you don't like anyways, but sometimes a spark can ignite with time and some bonding. If you truly feel this way about yourself, it's best to not date and fill your life with the things you love to do, your friends, and self-improvement. A relationship is not the be all end all of life as much as our society and media like to shove into our brains. Please be kind to yourself.

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