mortensorchid Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 Last weekend I went to shoot a web series episode with a friend of mine. He set this up for me and a few others he shoots this low budget version of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia which I appeared on in the past. I chatted with a few people there, added them on Facebook, then my scene was first. We shot it in 20 minutes, then I bowed out. I got home then a few hours later I get an IM on Facebook from this guy. He said it was nice working with you, I said thanks you as well. He said just throwing this out there but want to have dinner with me? I asked him some basic questions - How old was he? He's 50. I said because I am 46 - people often times mistake me for being in my 20s so if he was looking for a 20 year old I am not that. He said he was not looking for that. He's divorced, 2 kids who are teenagers, a comic and a mailman. How do I feel about him? Well, he seems decent based on the little I know of him. But... He's old and fat and his teeth are brownish. And he's a mailman and I am educated. But if I don't try then I will be alone forever. Am I wrong?
BaileyB Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 Personally, I wouldn’t worry about the age or his divorce or his profession. Do you want to date a man who has kids - still living with him, I assume? And, while not all 50 year old men look like George Clooney, you need to have some kind of attraction to him. I say, there is no harm in going for dinner. Give it a chance, get to know him a little more before you decide if you want to date the man. One date at a time...
glows Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 Are you just lonely for a friend or actually interested in this person? I think you are mixing up the two.
Happy Lemming Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 35 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: But... He's old and fat and his teeth are brownish. And he's a mailman and I am educated. Based on how you are "painting" him, doesn't sound like he has much of a chance to become "boyfriend" material. I wouldn't want to date someone who described me this way. My advice... Leave him be and let him find someone that wants to date him for who he is... 3
Sun Seeker Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 Troubled before going on one date... Yes definitely one to miss. Next.
Wiseman2 Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 7 hours ago, mortensorchid said: ... He's old and fat and his teeth are brownish. Stay friends/colleagues but you're not attracted, so what is the point even thinking about dating? 2
SaraSays Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 He deserves someone who's attracted to him, so I don't think this will be a good match. 1
Blind-Sided Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, mortensorchid said: But... He's old and fat and his teeth are brownish. And he's a mailman and I am educated. But if I don't try then I will be alone forever. Am I wrong? OK... first... if you aren't attracted to him... then you aren't attracted, and don't go out with him. BUT... here you go... pre-judging people AGAIN !! And, being superficial about it. How fat is "Fat"? As I recall from some of your posts... you aren't perfectly slim/fit either. Next... you assume just because he's a Mailman... he isn't educated. And... what difference does that make? I've met a lot of people who have jumped through the hoops, and have gotten advanced degrees... but they are idiots, and I wouldn't want to spend 10 minutes talking to them. Then... on the other hand, one of my good fiends is a mechanic, and hardly got through HS. BUT... he's intelligent, and can hold a good conversation, and has good ideas when we work on things. (hobby related) For myself...... I hold degrees in math, Biology, Physics, and Liberal arts. AND... I'm only a few classes away from my EE, and held a teaching credential in California. I also worked as a research chemist for 8 years. BUT.... I opened a machine shop, and worked on motorcycles. (A very blue collar job) If you would have met me during that time... would you have blown me off because I was a machinist? Now... if he has a good personality, and you "Click" with him... a month with some white strips will take care of the teeth. And finally... in several posts, you make a comment about being mistaken for a 20-somthing. So, you are obviously stuck on that. But I can honestly say... a late 40's woman would have a very hard time passing as a 20-somthing. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to be realistic. (are you sure it's not just a platitude from your FWB's?) I'm a late 40's guy, and I look in the mirror, and a see a wrinkled old man. SO... being realistic... Look in the mirror without makeup. Do you see any wrinkles? Laugh Lines? Splotches? Because a 20-somthing doesn't have any. In these points... yes, you are wrong. Mo... I truly, honestly want to see you happy. I read so may posts here about your dates, and failures. But you need to not pre-judge people. What would one dinner hurt with this guy? You may find something good. BUT... you won't find that goodness if you already judged him. Edited April 21, 2021 by Blind-Sided 4 1
Gaeta Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 How can you call somoene old at 50 when you're 46. Being a mailman means he has a good salary, benefits and a retirement plan which a lot of people with an education don't have. I know a mailman, he travelled around the world, he's a part time musician with his own band, he's handy and built his own house. We are more than our job. 11 1
Versacehottie Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: How can you call somoene old at 50 when you're 46. Being a mailman means he has a good salary, benefits and a retirement plan which a lot of people with an education don't have. I know a mailman, he travelled around the world, he's a part time musician with his own band, he's handy and built his own house. We are more than our job. Agreed. As well as if I remember your own job situation(s) correctly, OP, I don't think you should really be saying that about his job. You have to be real about that (with yourself). 5 1
chillii Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) All l know is you just put out a lot of very specific detail all over the internet anyone involved that sees it will know including him or hear about it, why so specific ? Anyway if your not attracted well it is the basics of basics to start soooo, probably a waste of time. And yeah the age thing sounds ridiculous at your age. Edited April 21, 2021 by chillii
ShyViolet Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 11 hours ago, mortensorchid said: And he's a mailman and I am educated. Listen, if you're not attracted to him then just don't date him. Don't waste his time. But I just have to address some of the things you've said here. What in the world is this ^^ supposed to mean? Just because he's a mailman that means he's not educated? What an incredibly judgmental comment. And he's "old" at age 50, yet you are 46. Some of the things you've said here are very strange. Do this guy a favor and don't waste his time. 4 1
introverted1 Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 11 hours ago, mortensorchid said: Last weekend I went to shoot a web series episode with a friend of mine. He set this up for me and a few others he shoots this low budget version of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia which I appeared on in the past. I chatted with a few people there, added them on Facebook, then my scene was first. We shot it in 20 minutes, then I bowed out. I got home then a few hours later I get an IM on Facebook from this guy. He said it was nice working with you, I said thanks you as well. He said just throwing this out there but want to have dinner with me? I asked him some basic questions - How old was he? He's 50. I said because I am 46 - people often times mistake me for being in my 20s so if he was looking for a 20 year old I am not that. He said he was not looking for that. He's divorced, 2 kids who are teenagers, a comic and a mailman. How do I feel about him? Well, he seems decent based on the little I know of him. But... He's old and fat and his teeth are brownish. And he's a mailman and I am educated. But if I don't try then I will be alone forever. Am I wrong? 1. You are the same age. 2. He's in theater/entertainment, just as you are. Common interest. 3. Being a mailman (I think they are called postal carriers now) does not necessarily mean that he's uneducated. Even lacking formal education he could be well read and knowledgeable. BUT 4 & 5. If you are turned off by his weight and/or teeth, then perhaps either counter with an offer of friendship or just politely decline. Whatever you decide, please be kind. 5
chillii Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 Funny , l run a business but l always thought a mailman would be a cool job , except in winter. 3
BaileyB Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 51 minutes ago, chillii said: Funny , l run a business but l always thought a mailman would be a cool job , except in winter. In which case, it would be very “cool” Why is it that when I picture “mailman,” I picture Cliff Claven? “This is a little known fact...” 3
czanclus Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 From a middle aged woman (43) to another middle aged woman: You remind me to of a close friend of mine (43, F) who cannot decide if she wants to stay single for lack of ~suitable men~ or "settle" for what is being offered. And even the latter, don't forget, only tentatively. I agree with an earlier poster that it's very unlikely that from an IRL conversation proximity you look like you're in your 20s, but if you're slim, have longer hair, well preserved skin, white teeth, and dress younger, you probably map into mid 30s. Either way, good to check up front that he isn't after decades younger women just for the ego trip. Further on age, at our age, pretty much anything goes on the upper-bound side. I would not have any qualms dating someone into their mid 60s, for example. My close friend would, and not even because the sex would be, generally speaking, though even that's questionable, subpar. I don't think that should be a relevant criterion at all for mid-40s women. Nonetheless, personal criteria are... well, personal. I can go further with "fat", "uneducated", "teeth showing his age", but at the end of the day, you should look within to figure out what bothers you so much about these and numerous other attributes. Try not to hurt people in the process, ie. decide to get involved with him, but keep looking for 'better opportunities'. Try not to lie to yourself that he'll grow on you if you're not feeling it on any - sexual/emotional/intellectual - level. Try, ultimately, to understand what about being single, at least passively speaking, bothers you into taking action to find someone. I, at 43 now, and a healthy (ironically said) string of hearbreaks, cannot possibly bother, and haven't since 2015. For what it's worth, hats off to the energy and motivation, at 46. At that age, I see myself with two dogs and a garden, my high schooler kid probably eagerly out of the nest. 1
Alfano Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 13 hours ago, mortensorchid said: if I don't try then I will be alone forever. Think more positively. 2
Versacehottie Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) Just wanted to give OP something to reflect on as well. If you truly are not attracted to him, why bother to make a post about it, degrading what he is about? Just decline politely and move on, no reason to get on here and BEMOAN the one person who has the "good taste" to ask you out recently. Whenever you make these posts, I don't get the feeling that you are really torn as if you are debating whether or not you should really give this person a chance. Honestly by the way you are thinking about him, I would tell him, he's too good for you or certainly that you aren't suited. He can see the positives about you and all you are seeing is the negatives about him and almost enjoy listing them. So yeah that's never going to work. What I do get the feeling you want to do when you make these posts, venting at how unsuitable and awful each guy who is interested in you is, is that you basically just want to vent and complain. It's like you are pissed that these are the choices that are coming your way. I would say a) be grateful and flattered even if you are not romantically interested (as I've said to you MANY times, gratitude would be a huge game changer for you). b) instead of complaining about the quality of people who are interested in you, either get real about what sort of people you attract and/or make yourself solidly more attractive...I know your first thought might go toward looks. I would disagree (not even knowing how you look--only that you feel there is a huge disconnect between what you SHOULD be attracting and what you ARE attracting). Perhaps you look fine but you attitudes and maneuvering aren't working to your advantage. From your past stories, I know this to exactly be the case. Secondly, if you are an actor/artist person who pieces together jobs yourself to do what you love, you aren't really in a position to judge how he supports himself in order to do what he loves on the side. And most importantly, if you don't feel his occupation is in line with what you "deserve" in a partner education-wise then make sure you are surrounding yourself and putting yourself in situations where you will meet guys of an education level you find appropriate. Though a snob is a snob is a snob and I think some guys who are "educated" will take issue with a woman who talks about people in that way so it's problematic and tone deaf to behave like that. I guess you can be honest with us here but I hope to God you aren't spouting that kind of stuff to prospective dates or people who might set you up or introduce you to a good guy because it in itself is unattractive and will hurt your chances. I'm begging you since it's been a few years, you've got to find a way to be more positive. Edited April 21, 2021 by Versacehottie 9
Alvi Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 Well, you are not attracted to him. Unless he changes absolutely everything about himself just to satisfy you, and I honestly don't think he is even going to try at the ripe old age of 50, it's never going to work. End of story. 16 hours ago, mortensorchid said: I said because I am 46 - people often times mistake me for being in my 20s so if he was looking for a 20 year old I am not that. He said he was not looking for that. People are just being kind to you when they say that you look younger. "Are you really 46? NO WAY! Come on, no way you look like 46. NOOO, I thought you were only 22." Come on, get real here OP. That's what most people would say to you just to be nice, doesn't mean that they think that about your looks. Don't take it so literally. Would you feel better if they said to you that you are middle aged and you truly look like you are middle aged? Just take a look at the Hollywood actresses in their 40th and 50th. They sure do look good for their age with the help of a BOTOX and fillers but make no mistake, they would never pass for the 20-year-old crowd even on their best day. I am 43 and I do look a bit younger for my age but no more than 5-6 years. I am just being realistic here. 3 1
Alpacalia Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) 20 hours ago, mortensorchid said: But if I don't try then I will be alone forever. Many people cite this as one of the key reasons they want to find a life partner. However, you may want to avoid bringing an unassuming individual into your life who might be perfectly content on his own and searching for someone truly special to compliment his. Edited April 21, 2021 by Alpaca 1
Weezy1973 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 OP from reading your posts I think you’re so afraid of being hurt that a “reject them before they can reject me” defense mechanism has become your go to. Just generally, if you never go on a date, you’ll certainly always be alone. And a date is just a date, not a marriage proposal. 4
FMW Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 On 4/20/2021 at 10:08 PM, mortensorchid said: But... He's old and fat and his teeth are brownish. And he's a mailman and I am educated. But if I don't try then I will be alone forever. In general I agree that yes, you need to try sometimes. However, I don't think this is one of those times. Give things a try when you're just not sure about how you feel about the person, but it's pretty clear you see this guy as below you in many ways. Don't waste his or your own time. Being with the wrong person can be really miserable, worse than being alone. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 All comments about not being attracted or waiting for a better opportunity - it all sounds good in theory but maybe that opportunity doesn't exist. OP has been single for a while now and perhaps these are her best options. Should someone pick this or be alone forever? I would chose alone forever hands down but judging by the society, being single is intolerable to most. So my advice is to go on a date. I have stopped dating at the end of 2017 and don't see myself ever dating again 1
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