Uruktopi Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Ok, true, then better yet don't talk to her about it later, just end it. Right......there was quite enough justification for....
Author Bringerofrain Posted April 21, 2021 Author Posted April 21, 2021 2 hours ago, ShyViolet said: I also think it was super weird that you micro-analyzed her body language and every little move she made for four hours. You sound very controlling. It was good for the both of you that you ended it. Just because you analyze people's behavior for a living doesn't mean that it was appropriate for you to take this approach and analyze your GF's every little move of a muscle for four hours. That's not a justification. If you didn't like where the night was going then you should have just cut the night short and left, and then talked to her about it later. I am actually not controlling at all which is why I need to ensure I pick an appropriate life partner. By leaving the date soon I would not have been able see how bad this was and probably would not have ended things. This was a big decision for me because I saw something long term with her. Whats the point of talking to her about her subconscious behavior ? she told me what I needed to know. As sad as I feel, I need to find a queen not a puppet that can be moved by any man. 4
Alfano Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 Surgeons don't typically operate on their own patients. For good reason.
spiderowl Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) I think you probably picked up on this behaviour earlier in the four hours and could have reacted sooner. It does seem to be going a bit far to be testing her out with the beer and everything. Your skill with analysing behaviour clearly showed she was flirting with him or had her eye on this guy all night. That is not ok and I can understand why you finished with her. It would have been wise to tell her why, for her own closure at least. You didn't need to go into any detail about how you analysed it, just that it was an observation. Ultimately, I think you did the right thing by ending it. A few brief glances at an attractive guy across a room is one thing, but if she's your girlfriend then she should have been more involved with you. I suppose it does bring to mind the question of when is unconscious behaviour too much? At what point does one decide that a bit of unconscious flirting is a risk to a relationship? You decided in this case it was too much and I agree. Edited April 21, 2021 by spiderowl 2
Uruktopi Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 3 minutes ago, spiderowl said: I suppose it does bring to mind the question of when is unconscious behaviour too much? At what point does one decide that a bit of unconscious flirting is a risk to a relationship? You decided in this case it was too much and I agree. When unconcious becomes behaviour. 1
spiderowl Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 3 minutes ago, Uruktopi said: When unconcious becomes behaviour. Yes, I suppose that makes sense, when it dominates. 1
elaine567 Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 At 24 she is in the early twenties group and many in that group are not looking for "life partners", they are playing the field or end up in "filler" relationships with guys they don't want to marry. Here she was not engrossed with you, her mind wandered off to this other guy and his gf. She was watching the romantic soap opera as it unfolded. Instead of wanting to star in her own drama with you, she was fantasising about being somewhere else, with someone else... I am afraid she was likely bored and thinking - time to move on.. I guess had you not ended it, she would have pretty soon anyway. You are in the 31-35 age group, looking for a life partner... you are in a completely different life stage from a girl like this. 4
Uruktopi Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 39 minutes ago, spiderowl said: Yes, I suppose that makes sense, when it dominates. "In unconcious veritas"
Author Bringerofrain Posted April 21, 2021 Author Posted April 21, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: At 24 she is in the early twenties group and many in that group are not looking for "life partners", they are playing the field or end up in "filler" relationships with guys they don't want to marry. Here she was not engrossed with you, her mind wandered off to this other guy and his gf. She was watching the romantic soap opera as it unfolded. Instead of wanting to star in her own drama with you, she was fantasising about being somewhere else, with someone else... I am afraid she was likely bored and thinking - time to move on.. I guess had you not ended it, she would have pretty soon anyway. You are in the 31-35 age group, looking for a life partner... you are in a completely different life stage from a girl like this. I agree with this. The reason I gave her for out breakup was the age difference and our different stages in life which was also true
Acacia98 Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 2 hours ago, Alfano said: Surgeons don't typically operate on their own patients. For good reason. But a surgeon would notice if his girlfriend or relative had a medical condition. 3
Author Bringerofrain Posted April 21, 2021 Author Posted April 21, 2021 35 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: But a surgeon would notice if his girlfriend or relative had a medical condition. Correct. Its not my place to correct her behavior as shes an independent person . I simply made an analysis and a personal decision based on what i saw. 2
Uruktopi Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) Till now, I ommited to comment an argument in a lot of answers to focus in what I found more relevant. I´ll do it now. Is about her age, 24, and her inmaturity as related to the episode. Of course, she was / is is now inmature, but I´ve seen not a few of 17 y.o. teens behaving quite better than she did. There is a cultural believe that states that she will grow up, so suddenly or gradually when the time comes. I would not bet on that this will necessarilly or even probably hapen. Or not easily. If I happen to be right (hope I´m not) is it, then, a matter of a personal chararcter flaw, an idividual thing? I doubt it. Why? Because here, in this thread (and sadly as a representation of what is a wider social view), you may find a set of ideas that naturalize and justify her behaviour, said by adults. The nucleus of that oppnions is that his attention to detect her behaviours and later to choose to walk away from her for that same reason is unhealthy cos it vulnerates the oh-so-sacred individual right to do, no limits, wahtever one may want without any consequence (or you are either being "judged" by a "controling" partner). Even if such other person is just not choosing to stay with her (for said reason), without being an obstacle to what she did while happened. And moreover leaving her in a more wider freedom to behave according to her choices. That is IMO, the academic theorization of inmaturity as a good thing to be sustained lifetime. So, if that idea is (also) here vehemently stated by grown up adults, what should be expect her to spontaneously change? Sad. Just to prevent loosing our time in accesory debates, I´ll add that what I´ve said (wrong or right) haves no double standards related to gender. Edited April 21, 2021 by Uruktopi 1
kendahke Posted April 24, 2021 Posted April 24, 2021 On 4/20/2021 at 10:28 PM, Bringerofrain said: What was so sad to me was that her behavior was unconscious and she disnt even know she was doing it. Oh, she knows exactly what she's doing. She's not unconscious about it. Trust me.
kendahke Posted April 24, 2021 Posted April 24, 2021 On 4/21/2021 at 9:49 AM, Gaeta said: I think it's normal when you're trained with a certain knowledge that you use it. OP has an expertise in the body language area and I am sure it's hard for him to shut it down in his private life, just like a doctor won't stop being a doctor because they're not at the hospital. Exactly. That's why I dont' like going to the movies and it's best not to take me on a date to the movies because I'm an editor and I edit video all day long--and I know what crappy editing looks like. I can't shut it off. 1
prince0fgame Posted April 24, 2021 Posted April 24, 2021 On 4/20/2021 at 5:30 PM, Bringerofrain said: Im a 32 year old man who recently stopped dating a 24 year old female. Our start was a little rocky because it seemed she was a pretty rude person in the beginning of our relationship. Long story short, we dated for 3 months and I was about to ask her to be my girlfriend because for the most part things were going well. She stopped being rude and I realized it was a defense mechanism as she had a pretty shitty and abusive relationship before me ( in the beginning she would talk way too much about her ex, it didnt bother me too much because I know she was just processing her trauma. over time it did stop.) We went to a concert/nightclub and while we were there, there was a guy dancing with his GF on and off the whole night. (I should note that I analyze peoples behavior for a living). I noticed that about 20 minutes into the night she moved our table and rearranged the direction she was facing. I noticed it but I didnt think much of it. However I did begin to watch her behavior. As the night went on I figured out why she did it. The ENTIRE night her behavior was responding to a guy looking at her direction (the guy was not engaging with her or looking specifically at her). EVERYTIME the guy looked in her direction she did a hairflip or took a sip of her beer. Im talking about at least 25 times a minute Yes I counted. When ever the guy would turn around and look in our direction she would look away aswell (a subconscious movement people do when they dont want other people to know they find them attractive). Now, im okay with her finding him attractive but her movement were perfectly in sync with his movements meaning she was paying extremely close attention. Even when she was "looking away" he subconscious movements let me know she was still attending to his behaviors the entire time. She was visibly flustered and didnt know what to do with herself when he looked in her direction sometimes. When he would leave, she would also stop doing hairflips. When he would come back her legs started wiggling like a puppy so excited to see their owner. This happened at least 10 times. Knowing What I know about human behavior, I found what she did extremely disrespectful. We were there for 4 hours and the ENTIRE time she was just attending to his behaviors. Even EVERYTIME when the guy would kiss his girlfriend she would react to it. After I noticed all these subtle cues I realized she moved the table away from me and positioned her chair so that she could take a better look at this guys for the rest of the night. I was Extremely angry and that night I told her this was not going to work out ( i didnt tell her the reason why). I dont feel comfortable having a girl as my life partner if another man can make her react in this manner and to this extent. Now, Im not saying i dont expect a girl is not going to check out another guy once in a while but this girl attended to this guy for 4 continuous hours. Was I wrong for breaking things off ? I know I could of talked to her about it and how it made me uncomfortable, but the reality is that this is unconscious behavior and I am not about to talk to her about changing this type of behavior lol. please let me know your thoughts. In our brains, we have something called "awareness radius." The only things that show up in your awareness radius are things of VALUE and THREATS. Like a bear's awareness radius would only be food (value) and wolves (threats). Otherwise the bear eats and sleeps wherever it wants. It is oblivious to most of the world. It was obvious that you sensed her awareness radius and knew that the guy was valuable to her. She reacted to his every move. And here is the kicker, the more oblivious he is to her, the more valuable he becomes. This is why women love guys who are emotionally distant and come across as challenges. By being unreactive to women, you create more attraction. However, in your situation, you were not oblivious to her. You somehow made yourself less valuable by having her dominant in your awareness radius. And I suspect you have been doing this for awhile. What if it's not actually the guy? What if YOU are creating all of this by making her too dominant in your awareness radius? Do you have a purpose beyond her? A purpose beyond your relationship? Can you have fun without having her in your awareness radius? A man can only continuously maintain attraction in a relationship by minimizing his woman's dominance in his awareness radius. His awareness radius has to be full of purpose, vision, and goals. Then you will create a polarity that will attract her. Because you are so glued on to her, she is forced to to seek attraction elsewhere from an unattainable man. So perhaps this is your own doing and has nothing to do with the guy. And perhaps she is merely reacting. Try it and see for yourself. Act with a sense of purpose. Put your vision and goals above your relationship. And see if she doesn''t react to you the same way. A man has to create a void. And women seek to fill that void. That's the masculine-feminine polarity that creates attraction.
basil67 Posted April 24, 2021 Posted April 24, 2021 On 4/21/2021 at 7:30 AM, Bringerofrain said: . EVERYTIME the guy looked in her direction she did a hairflip or took a sip of her beer. Im talking about at least 25 times a minute Yes I counted. . When he would come back her legs started wiggling like a puppy so excited to see their owner. While she may have been giving him far too much attention, these can only be embellishments. If she alternated the sip of beer and the hair flip, that would be one of each every four seconds or so. The woman would end up with a damaged neck and blind drunk in 15 minutes....seriously, I couldn't do this if I tried. "her legs started wiggling like a puppy"? Come on. I think you did the right thing in moving on, but why the need to exaggerate it for effect? Was it in an effort to assure you'd get the response you want? If so, there's no need. You need to trust yourself and your decisions without needing to add extra to try and get people to agree with you. 1
Author Bringerofrain Posted April 24, 2021 Author Posted April 24, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, basil67 said: While she may have been giving him far too much attention, these can only be embellishments. If she alternated the sip of beer and the hair flip, that would be one of each every four seconds or so. The woman would end up with a damaged neck and blind drunk in 15 minutes....seriously, I couldn't do this if I tried. "her legs started wiggling like a puppy"? Come on. I think you did the right thing in moving on, but why the need to exaggerate it for effect? Was it in an effort to assure you'd get the response you want? If so, there's no need. You need to trust yourself and your decisions without needing to add extra to try and get people to agree with you. Dude I’m not exaggerating lol the couple was dancing and going in circles (literally circles) and every time he was facing us, she would do it again. I couldn’t believe it at first either and I wish with all my heart I was exaggerating Edited April 24, 2021 by Bringerofrain Typo
Uruktopi Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 On 4/23/2021 at 8:49 PM, kendahke said: Oh, she knows exactly what she's doing. She's not unconscious about it. Trust me. May be you are right. Or perhaps you are not. But intentionality is not enough to define the intrinsic meaning of facts where they count, out there. The message given besides the only conjectural purpose of what was intented to "say" remains to be the same. So valid enough for him to make his choices based on what he saw.
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