Bringerofrain Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 (edited) Im a 32 year old man who recently stopped dating a 24 year old female. Our start was a little rocky because it seemed she was a pretty rude person in the beginning of our relationship. Long story short, we dated for 3 months and I was about to ask her to be my girlfriend because for the most part things were going well. She stopped being rude and I realized it was a defense mechanism as she had a pretty shitty and abusive relationship before me ( in the beginning she would talk way too much about her ex, it didnt bother me too much because I know she was just processing her trauma. over time it did stop.) We went to a concert/nightclub and while we were there, there was a guy dancing with his GF on and off the whole night. (I should note that I analyze peoples behavior for a living). I noticed that about 20 minutes into the night she moved our table and rearranged the direction she was facing. I noticed it but I didnt think much of it. However I did begin to watch her behavior. As the night went on I figured out why she did it. The ENTIRE night her behavior was responding to a guy looking at her direction (the guy was not engaging with her or looking specifically at her). EVERYTIME the guy looked in her direction she did a hairflip or took a sip of her beer. Im talking about at least 25 times a minute Yes I counted. When ever the guy would turn around and look in our direction she would look away aswell (a subconscious movement people do when they dont want other people to know they find them attractive). Now, im okay with her finding him attractive but her movement were perfectly in sync with his movements meaning she was paying extremely close attention. Even when she was "looking away" he subconscious movements let me know she was still attending to his behaviors the entire time. She was visibly flustered and didnt know what to do with herself when he looked in her direction sometimes. When he would leave, she would also stop doing hairflips. When he would come back her legs started wiggling like a puppy so excited to see their owner. This happened at least 10 times. Knowing What I know about human behavior, I found what she did extremely disrespectful. We were there for 4 hours and the ENTIRE time she was just attending to his behaviors. Even EVERYTIME when the guy would kiss his girlfriend she would react to it. After I noticed all these subtle cues I realized she moved the table away from me and positioned her chair so that she could take a better look at this guys for the rest of the night. I was Extremely angry and that night I told her this was not going to work out ( i didnt tell her the reason why). I dont feel comfortable having a girl as my life partner if another man can make her react in this manner and to this extent. Now, Im not saying i dont expect a girl is not going to check out another guy once in a while but this girl attended to this guy for 4 continuous hours. Was I wrong for breaking things off ? I know I could of talked to her about it and how it made me uncomfortable, but the reality is that this is unconscious behavior and I am not about to talk to her about changing this type of behavior lol. please let me know your thoughts. Edited April 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator formatting
Gaeta Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 In my opinion at 4 months she should only have eyes for you. Her behavior was unacceptable and embarassing. I don't think you've lost much. 5
smackie9 Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 No your actions were justified. It's no different than a guy rubber necking as a girl walks by while standing there with his GF. It's plain rude and disrespectful. If she was so abused I can only guess she is insecure and has low self esteem. That was your big red flag. Right at the beginning. You don't excuse rude behavior because they had a bad time of it.
elaine567 Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 I actually think it is a bit creepy that you spent about 4 hours analysing her behaviour that closely. If you knew what was happening as you analyse people for a living, then you could have walked away within about 10-15 minutes of realising what she was doing surely? I think you may have a bit of a problem here with this stalking type behaviour... 4
Author Bringerofrain Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I actually think it is a bit creepy that you spent about 4 hours analysing her behaviour that closely. If you knew what was happening as you analyse people for a living, then you could have walked away within about 10-15 minutes of realising what she was doing surely? I think you may have a bit of a problem here with this stalking type behaviour... I wanted to make sure I was not reading her behavior wrong as this would be the basis for a life changing decision. would you buy a house by only reading the zillow description? 3
Wiseman2 Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 (edited) Unfortunately it seems she hasn't changed much. Good you ended it. Edited April 20, 2021 by Wiseman2
Author Bringerofrain Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: unfortunately it seems she hasn't changed much. Good you ended it. As in Im the abuser now?
kendahke Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 (edited) Does she know what you do for a living? I don't think you're wrong for breaking things off with her if you genuinely felt disrespected by her blatant behavior. What's sad is that she doesn't realize how obvious she was being with someone's whose job it is to analyze human behavior. What even sadder is that she has no problems trying to get a man's eye when he's out with his girlfriend and is being demonstrably affectionate with her in public... does this chick not have any boundaries? She needs a therapist more than she needed a boyfriend. Sounds like she's got a lot of things she needs to be working through in therapy. Edited April 20, 2021 by kendahke 1
Author Bringerofrain Posted April 21, 2021 Author Posted April 21, 2021 3 hours ago, kendahke said: Does she know what you do for a living? I don't think you're wrong for breaking things off with her if you genuinely felt disrespected by her blatant behavior. What's sad is that she doesn't realize how obvious she was being with someone's whose job it is to analyze human behavior. What even sadder is that she has no problems trying to get a man's eye when he's out with his girlfriend and is being demonstrably affectionate with her in public... does this chick not have any boundaries? She needs a therapist more than she needed a boyfriend. Sounds like she's got a lot of things she needs to be working through in therapy. She did know but I did not tell her to what extent I am able to read a person's body language for THIS specific reason. What was so sad to me was that her behavior was unconscious and she disnt even know she was doing it. I had caught her doing this before but it didnt bug me as much because to an extent its normal and it was brief. I Loved her already (I never told her) and this really hurt.
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 14 minutes ago, Bringerofrain said: I Loved her already (I never told her) and this really hurt. I can understand it did really hurt, Bringerofrain. But, it would have hurt worse had you continued and ended up being cheated on.You're a smart guy! You'll move on from this. Just be glad you didn't invest more in it.
Author Bringerofrain Posted April 21, 2021 Author Posted April 21, 2021 8 hours ago, elaine567 said: I actually think it is a bit creepy that you spent about 4 hours analysing her behaviour that closely. If you knew what was happening as you analyse people for a living, then you could have walked away within about 10-15 minutes of realising what she was doing surely? I think you may have a bit of a problem here with this stalking type behaviour... To add to my previous post, I wanted to really make sure I was making the correct analysis so I changed some variables in the environment. Since one of her behaviors was her beer sipping EVERYTIME the guy looking in her direction, I wanted to isolate the fact that maybe she just liked the beer a lot. SO once her beer was done, what I did was warm up my own beer with my hands (since obviously hot beer is gross) and then I gave it to her. This way, if she drank it was not because the beer tasted good but because of the reasons I stated in my original post. Sadly her behavior continued. At the end of the night, we saw the guy fumbling to his car with his friends and she chuckled, not knowing that put the last nail in the coffin.
Wiseman2 Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 She seems like a bit of a flirt. However you seem to have her under a microscope like a specimen. The whole thing sounds strained. 1
Negotaurus Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 Things like these are so embarrassing. You sit there with somebody you’re giving yourself to, thinking they’re on the same page as you, and then something like this happens. My ex would almost crash his car to check out other women. It’s so so humiliating. Good on you for putting a stop to it, time will heal, personally I look back and go “What the hell was I thinking for being with him” :’) Take care, OP.
Datergirl Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) It is weird that you were 'watching' her behaviour for 4 hours!! Why weren't you just having a good time with her chatting and dancing? It feels controlling. You are interpreting her behaviour to mean these things, you started to 'watch' her behaviour after she moved a table?? Maybe she did find him very attractive, that happens, and unconsciously we do behaviour in ways we're unware of. She's a lot younger than you and probably hasn't learnt how to not be so obvious about it. Edited April 21, 2021 by Datergirl 1
Datergirl Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 6 hours ago, Bringerofrain said: To add to my previous post, I wanted to really make sure I was making the correct analysis so I changed some variables in the environment. Since one of her behaviors was her beer sipping EVERYTIME the guy looking in her direction, I wanted to isolate the fact that maybe she just liked the beer a lot. SO once her beer was done, what I did was warm up my own beer with my hands (since obviously hot beer is gross) and then I gave it to her. This way, if she drank it was not because the beer tasted good but because of the reasons I stated in my original post. Sadly her behavior continued. At the end of the night, we saw the guy fumbling to his car with his friends and she chuckled, not knowing that put the last nail in the coffin. You make a lot of assumptions here, and honestly it comes across as insecure and manipulative. She's laughing because someone is stumbling to their car and it's the final nail in the coffin...it seems like you struggle to leave you work out of your personal relationships. I would hate to be analyised like this. 3
ShyViolet Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 I also think it was super weird that you micro-analyzed her body language and every little move she made for four hours. You sound very controlling. It was good for the both of you that you ended it. Just because you analyze people's behavior for a living doesn't mean that it was appropriate for you to take this approach and analyze your GF's every little move of a muscle for four hours. That's not a justification. If you didn't like where the night was going then you should have just cut the night short and left, and then talked to her about it later. 2
Fletch Lives Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 Wow, a body language expert. I wanna buy this guy a drink. What is your job title? 1
Gaeta Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 I think it's normal when you're trained with a certain knowledge that you use it. OP has an expertise in the body language area and I am sure it's hard for him to shut it down in his private life, just like a doctor won't stop being a doctor because they're not at the hospital. 1
Gaeta Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 4 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: Wow, a body language expert. I wanna buy this guy a drink. What is your job title? I was thinking I could hire him to sit close by on my next date lol 2
Uruktopi Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 As she was enterilly free to do whatever she wanted within her rights, she was not being "controlled" at all. As those rights should be extended also to him, he evaluated whom not to call for a next date. A fair equal standard IMO. 2
glows Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 I suppose it would have been awkward and untimely to end the date early or leave so you stayed and since she was your date there, there's no reason why you wouldn't be looking at her or interested in her mannerisms. I feel sorry for you actually, OP. No reason to look back on this one. She's not into you. She's very young at 24. Some might argue she's old enough to have manners but I think she's just not that interested in what you have to offer. Take it with some grace as a man and let her go. No need to think any more on it after the fact as it just puts you in a bad light and a wrecks your mood. Move on to someone else and meet someone who's a bit more mature. 4
Uruktopi Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 29 minutes ago, glows said: No reason to look back on this one. She's not into you. She's very young at 24. Some might argue she's old enough to have manners but I think she's just not that interested in what you have to offer. Take it with some grace as a man and let her go. Standing applause 1
Uruktopi Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, ShyViolet said: ...and then talked to her about it later. Can´t see why he would talk to her later Edited April 21, 2021 by Uruktopi 1
ShyViolet Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 1 minute ago, Uruktopi said: Can´t see why he would talk to her later or ever. Ok, true, then better yet don't talk to her about it later, just end it.
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