SunnySide0418 Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 Hi! I'm looking for objective opinions. I've been with my boyfriend on and off for 3yrs. Long story short he booked a 3 day trip for us without talking to me first. His reason for not discussing it with me first (which is what's bothering me) is that he was "scared I'd say no and he'd feel rejected". I feel this move was kind of manipulative. I have 2 kids that I would have to arrange care for with their dad and this is a weekend I have them. BF said the date can be changed once but for an additional charge. It just left a bad taste in my mouth how he handled this. Thoughts? Thanks!
Wiseman2 Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 Just now, SunnySide0418 said: I've been with my boyfriend on and off for 3yrs. On/off in itself is a red flag. Don't go. Don't agree to things you didn't agree to. 4 1
Gaeta Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 Change the date, let him pay the extra fee. Lesson learn for him. 4
d0nnivain Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 He showed poor judgment but I think he was trying to do something romantic & sweet for you. Let that good thought guide you but make him pay the change fee. At the very least he'll learn something about planning & taking your kids' schedule into account. 1
BaileyB Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 I would be very unhappy too. First, it’s covid. Not sure what’s happening in your part of the world but we are shutting down again now so I am not interested/not able to travel. Period. Second, he chose the “it’s easier to apologize than ask for permission route” and that would not fly with me. Especially because you have other obligations related to your CHILDREN. This was a selfish move on his part. Very manipulative. He put himself before your children and I would not be cool with that. 4
kendahke Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said: I've been with my boyfriend on and off for 3yrs. Why are you two on and off and why have you been investing your youth in something that really isn't working? 4 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said: Long story short he booked a 3 day trip for us without talking to me first. His reason for not discussing it with me first (which is what's bothering me) is that he was "scared I'd say no and he'd feel rejected". I feel this move was kind of manipulative. I have 2 kids that I would have to arrange care for with their dad and this is a weekend I have them. BF said the date can be changed once but for an additional charge. It just left a bad taste in my mouth how he handled this. Thoughts? Did he know that the weekend in particular was when the children were with you? Does he keep close tabs on things like that? Did you want to go on this trip? Would you have offered to pay the additional charge if he re-booked the trip? I mean, he should pay for it since he took it upon himself to make this decision without seeing if you're free that weekend--I'm just seeing if he would have re-booked if you'd offered to pay for it in order to ascertain if he really wanted you to go on this trip with him. My thoughts: 1) he knew it was a weekend that you had the children and he really didn't want you going with him. Those are what his actions are. It's too easy to phone or text and ask "are the kiddos with you on such and such weekend?" If you asked why, he could have said "just wondering..." I mean, that's not hard and not a reason to be scared or feel rejected--and you both would have been able to go and enjoy the trip. 2. It's indicative of a time wasting relationship whose heart you won't drive the stake through. Edited April 20, 2021 by kendahke
Miss Peach Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 (edited) That would bother me too. As a single mom you need to plan things. Plus there are other intangibles he might not be thinking of. He should have at least tried to pick a kid free weekend and should know which ones those are by now. The on/off again thing is a different topic but I'm not making any judgements just yet because it could be in line with something you actually want. Edited April 20, 2021 by Miss Peach
Wiseman2 Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 15 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said: without talking to me first. I have 2 kids that I would have to arrange care for with their dad So he's ready and willing to disrupt a bunch of lives because he's too selfish to plan in advance with you? Don't do it. Your kids come first and your co-parenting relationship with their father is important. The other red flag of course is on/off. Does he have a habit of unilateral behaviors? Is it possible he did this knowing you couldn't go? 1
Author SunnySide0418 Posted April 21, 2021 Author Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: So he's ready and willing to disrupt a bunch of lives because he's too selfish to plan in advance with you? Don't do it. Your kids come first and your co-parenting relationship with their father is important. The other red flag of course is on/off. Does he have a habit of unilateral behaviors? Is it possible he did this knowing you couldn't go? No, he planned it for Father's Day weekend assuming I wouldn't have my kids. But I do have them. Just not Sunday. That's not the point though. He was afraid to discuss it with me first because he was worried I'd say no so he went ahead and booked it! That's the point and that's what I'm bothered by. He's willing to pay for the date change but just the fact that he went ahead and booked it makes me feel he was trying to strong arm or guilt me into going. Edited April 21, 2021 by SunnySide0418
d0nnivain Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 It sounds like he did put some thought into this. He wasn't trying to take you away from your kids or make trouble. He picked Father's day thinking your kids would be with their dad. He was trying to do something nice but went about it the wrong way. Still it sounds like an opportunity for you to do something sweet to foster your kids' relationship with dad by offering to let him have the whole weekend. Is that really so bad? The fact that your BF was "afraid to discuss it with you" is troubling. Why is your relationship like this? Do you have other communications issues? I think if you can try to stop being angry for a minute & look at this from the point of view that he was trying to do a nice thing for the two of your as a couple you may be able to help him overcome his fear of talking to you. You should be concerned that he's afraid of you but that is different then "bothered". The idea that you think your BF would deliberately "guilt" you into something is problematic too. You have a communications issue but it won't be resolved while you continually project anger & displeasure. You need to be more open to calmly addressing the issue. 4
Blind-Sided Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) OK... it's exciting to have a surprise trip. But, your BF needs to understand that not everyone in this world can do a 3 day thing at the drop of a hat. Not to mention...with COVID... do you really want to travel? As above... the "On-off" thing is it's own issue... but because of that... if you want to go... tell him to move the dates that work for you, your kids, and exH. Just because you may want to go, doesn't mean your exH can take the kids on a weekend that he should have been free. And the bigger point to that is... you don't want your kids to start feeling that they are unimportant to you. Since it would have been a weekend you would have your kids... they may feel rejected if you are taking off with your BF, and "Dumping" them back with dad. ON the "On-Off' thing... this could be a good bonding, or breaking point for you. When you tell him... how will he react. If he's OK, and changes the date... then that's a good thing. If he gets upset... then maybe it's time to be "OFF" for good. I'm kind of in that same situation. My GF is young, and can shift her work around on a 48hr notice. AND, she likes to do things spontaneously. (doesn't have kids of her own) BUT... since we have been together for a year now... she has started to look at the calendar, and knows what weeks I have my kids, and what weeks I don't. She is taking that into consideration, and is planning more things over just saying... "Hey... today, let's go on a day long Kayaking trip." Edited April 21, 2021 by Blind-Sided 1
ShyViolet Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 This was an absolutely crazy thing for him to do. To book a trip without talking to you about it first... and his reason that he was "afraid you would say no" is ridiculous! If he knew you might say no, then going ahead and doing it anyway was just disrespectful and a bit controlling. If someone did this to me, I would tell them I'm not going. Maybe this "on again/off again" relationship needs to be OFF again.
Author SunnySide0418 Posted April 21, 2021 Author Posted April 21, 2021 1 hour ago, ShyViolet said: This was an absolutely crazy thing for him to do. To book a trip without talking to you about it first... and his reason that he was "afraid you would say no" is ridiculous! If he knew you might say no, then going ahead and doing it anyway was just disrespectful and a bit controlling. If someone did this to me, I would tell them I'm not going. Maybe this "on again/off again" relationship needs to be OFF again. I completely agree. The on and off has been because of me. It's such a long story and there are so many factors but I'm not in love with him and he knows this. I've been honest. It should be off permanently. This really turned me off.
d0nnivain Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) If you are not in love with him & his attempt to do something nice for you, turned you off, yes you do need to break up with him. This isn't working, End it. To keep him out there still trying but only managing to annoy you by his efforts is not fair to him. Edited April 21, 2021 by d0nnivain
ShyViolet Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 15 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said: I completely agree. The on and off has been because of me. It's such a long story and there are so many factors but I'm not in love with him and he knows this. I've been honest. It should be off permanently. This really turned me off. Oh my goodness, don't waste another day of your life with this person then. You should end this. 1
Crazelnut Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 Jeez, just end it already. You're not in love with him and what he did with this trip is beyond crappy. He totally disrespected you, on purpose. Give him his walking papers. He can take somebody else on this trip.
smackie9 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 I would have told him to take his new GF instead. 1
kendahke Posted April 24, 2021 Posted April 24, 2021 On 4/21/2021 at 1:45 PM, SunnySide0418 said: I'm not in love with him and he knows this. I've been honest. But have you been, really? Seems to me someone who knows that the woman they're with doesn't love them (and harbors borderline contempt for them) would know better than to ask them on a trip anywhere. Perhaps you need to be explicit in your not wanting to be bothered with him anymore. 1
introverted1 Posted April 24, 2021 Posted April 24, 2021 OP, you have been disenchanted with this guy for a long time. Why are you still with him? 2
spiderowl Posted April 25, 2021 Posted April 25, 2021 (edited) I wouldn't be ok with this either, OP, and for you especially since you have children to arrange care for. It sounds like there is a fundamental lack of trust between you. He must have known you would be unhappy about this; it's just odd that he would risk it. However, some guys think that women like to be surprised, that it shows initiative and adventure. Maybe he was trying to impress you in some way. I think if a guy is not right for you, he is eventually going to do something that brings about a confrontation. It may well be a sign that he's uncomfortable with the uncertainty of the relationship and he is pushing the boundaries to find out exactly where he stands. Edited April 25, 2021 by spiderowl
Recommended Posts