He's lying about his health

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Happened to me at 20 when I was stressed out and drinking too much coffee and energy drinks + not sleeping well. That’s what came into my mind. 

Excellent point. I would look at how much he's consuming those. 

[glows]

You're not his physician so I wouldn't assume the role of trying to hover too much and tell him what to do. Let him know what you've observed about his health and then step back.

At the most look at reasons why he may be refusing to see a doctor and ask him what his reasons are for delaying medical help or getting medical advice. If you disagree with the way he's treating his health tell him. 

Hugs and coddling are not going to make this go away and it's affecting his life and your relationship. 

[lilahtokyo]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, the reason might be because he is afraid and trying to ignore his own symptoms. Admitting to you that something is wrong would first mean admitting to himself that he might have a more serious problem. 

And that can be very scary, especially when someone is so young. I agree with whomever said that his young age doesn't mean he isn't seriously ill. It can and does happen. 

I would try not to take this so personally, but rather understand that brushing it off might be a mechanism of denial for himself. I have known a few people who tried to minimize signs of trouble not because they didn't want to share with loved ones, but because they weren't yet ready to recognize that they might have a health problem. It's not safe to do so, of course, but I would be careful not to make this about you. He might be too afraid to see reality. 

As such, I would instead approach him from a more compassionate angle. Not an accusatory one. Don't make the conversation about how he isn't letting you in. Explain that as someone who cares about him, you cannot ignore his worrying symptoms and urge him to make a doctor's appointment. The rest is up to him, but try to rememeber he might be quite anxious about what is going on with him, too.

You're making some really good points, thank you. I have considered this but pushed the idea aside because he is a very logical and goal focused person who doesn't easily get swayed by emotions and who thinks that there is no point in worrying too much. Whenever there's an issue he immediately goes into problem solving mode so he can go back to focusing on things he's deeming more important.

On the other hand have I seen him be very ignorant of his own limits and ignoring weaknesses. Like going to class with a fever or not getting an injury treated right away. Sometimes I think he sees physical weakness as simply inconvenient so he chooses to ignore it. And maybe that's alright when it's about a cold or allergies or missing sleep occasionally but it's not alright not because he's off to the point where I'm scared that he might be seriously ill so I will not believe him for a second that he simply doesn't notice it himself or that it's not that bad.

6 hours ago, lana-banana said:

I know that it matters a lot to you and your relationship feels very serious, but there's a huge difference in relationships at age 19 vs 29 vs 39, that's all. It doesn't mean either of you care any less than others at that age, simply that the stakes and circumstances are very different.

Do you think he's gone to a doctor or he might know what's going on and is choosing to hide that from you, or is just flat-out refusing? The fact that he's shutting you out so completely makes me wonder whether he knows what's happening, is getting some kind of treatment or is very frightened and doesn't want to let you in on it, vs. just him not wanting to see a doctor. But either way it's a major cause for concern. Yes, 19-year-olds can get extremely sick. He might be afraid of burdening you with the diagnosis or maybe he doesn't even want to believe he's that ill.

If you are this worried about his health and it's this obvious something is wrong, talk to his close friends---they should all have noticed as well. "Hey, he's been looking pretty ill and I'm worried" is a totally reasonable thing to ask.

I really don't know... I thought it was the latter, him simply being stubborn and refusing to see a doctor. Until I found him in the garden that time and he was so obviously unwell and still told me that he was fine and later on pretended that nothing had happened. That's when I got really anxious and got the idea that he might be really ill and know what is wrong and that he's just not telling me. Before that I thought he was just working too much and being too stubborn about needing a break.

 

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he a heavy drinker or drug user? You need to ask.

If he were really ill he'd go to a doctor. Most people who drink heavily/do drugs don't.

When you say "not talking" do you mean in general or just about the tiredness?

What does he mean by "bad night"? If you are at his house 3x/week you must know.

It would be best to ask him about drinking/drugs. He'll probably lie/deny but it puts it out there that you aren't that stupid and not noticing it.

Then pull back. Stop staying there this much.

 

 

He definitely doesn't take drugs and he doesn't even drink. Maybe a sip of champagne when there's celebrations but never more than that! He doesn't party. There's no alcohol at his house and nothing more extreme than the regular otc drugs.

About the not talking, at first it was just that he was brushing it off when I asked him if he was alright. But lately he's just quiet in general. For example usually when we go for a walk together we are constantly talking while doing that and when we watch a movie we discuss it while watching. We did both these things last weekend and I don't think he said a single word unprompted. And I really really don't think that it has to do with me or not wanting to spend time with me because he's being so affectionate apart from being quiet.

His sleeping patterns aren't amazing. He often sleeps only little and then when he has time off he tries to catch up and sleeps until 11 am or so. He often says he can't sleep well when I'm not there but I don't know if he's just being sweet or if that's actually true.

3 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Happened to me at 20 when I was stressed out and drinking too much coffee and energy drinks + not sleeping well. That’s what came into my mind. 

I really really wish it's just that.

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

From someone who has medical conditions and had thrm all my life...

 

hemight not think he has anything wrong and doesn’t thing it’s medical given he is young

 

have you talked to his mom about this. Maybe he had a condition as a child and doesn’t evrn remrmber it.

I don't think he's ever been seriously ill. I'm sure it would have come up at some point.

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Excellent point. I would look at how much he's consuming those. 

He doesn't drink energy drinks. Coffee yes, but not a crazy amount. Maybe four or five cups a day at worst.

 

[Gaeta]

You see your boyfriend 3 days a week. You have to keep in mind that you don't know everything about him and at 3 days a week it would be easy for him to hide an addiction from you. 

[spiderowl]

I understand your concern.  He does not sound right.

It could be drugs or drink - but if you haven't observed him having any of these things during the longer periods when he has been with you, it seems unlikely.

Is he eating ok?  Maybe he has an eating disorder.

What he really needs to do is to see his doctor.  As his girlfriend, I think you have every right to care about him.  He may well be very worried about what is wrong and is avoiding seeing a doctor.  Offering to go with him might help.

You could tell him you are very concerned about him, that something is not right, he appears to be ill and needs to see a doctor.  I see nothing wrong in you doing that; it is not interfering, it is caring about someone important to you.

If he won't see a doctor, then ask him if he knows what is wrong with him?  

If he really will not see a doctor and keeps trying to cover up his health problems, I am not sure what else you can do about it other than to wait for him to get sicker. If there is something seriously wrong, then eventually he will need help.

Before asking him about the above, you could consider talking to him to find out what his family's attitude towards illness is.  Some families are very dismissive and he may feel he is showing weakness if he talks to you about feeling rough.  You could then reassure him that you are not like that and that you want to support him in dealing with this.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, lilahtokyo said:

 

He doesn't drink energy drinks. Coffee yes, but not a crazy amount. Maybe four or five cups a day at worst.

 

I don’t know what size of cup he is drinking, but 4-5 cups of coffee a day is a good amount of coffee...

It is important though to remember that health concerns are a very personal thing. You can express your concern, but ultimately whether he choses to seek care is his decision. 

Is it possible that he is experiencing depression? It is possible to have physical symptoms when depressed.  I ask because you say his sleep is not good and he has been withdrawing from you.

I hope things work out ok for you both. Take care. 

Edited April 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[lilahtokyo]

I called his best friend today and he told me some bad things and we figured out that he's been lying to at least one of us because what he told me and what he told his best friend doesn't add up. I confronted him on the phone later and he didn't even deny it but refused to tell me what's going on. He promised we would talk tomorrow when I'm going to his place. I don't know what to think anymore and for some reason I'm not even upset. Just so confused. And freaked out because I don't understand what's going on and having to wait until tomorrow because today he is too "busy" to talk to me. I keep thinking that he'll tell me that he has cancer or something else that can't be treated. He kept denying that but I don't know what else it could be. What else could be so bad that he thinks he can't tell me? I don't understand. 

[SaraSays]

11 minutes ago, lilahtokyo said:

I called his best friend today and he told me some bad things and we figured out that he's been lying to at least one of us because what he told me and what he told his best friend doesn't add up. I confronted him on the phone later and he didn't even deny it but refused to tell me what's going on. He promised we would talk tomorrow when I'm going to his place. I don't know what to think anymore and for some reason I'm not even upset. Just so confused. And freaked out because I don't understand what's going on and having to wait until tomorrow because today he is too "busy" to talk to me. I keep thinking that he'll tell me that he has cancer or something else that can't be treated. He kept denying that but I don't know what else it could be. What else could be so bad that he thinks he can't tell me? I don't understand. 

We often benefit from a bit of time and space to gather our thoughts on important stuff, before discussing such things. Many people close-up when put on the spot about something significant.

[Gaeta]

What is not adding up?

The only thing that is bad that he'd want to hide is an addiction. 

If he knew he has a severe cancer he would be broken and need his family's support. No one at 19 learn they have cancer and not tell their parents, friends and girlfriend. To learn of a cancer you need to see a doctor and have blood test done, scans and biopsy...and he would have done that without a soul knowing about it? I don't think so. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, lilahtokyo said:

I called his best friend today and he told me some bad things and we figured out that he's been lying to at least one of us.  I confronted him on the phone later and he didn't even deny it but refused to tell me what's going on. He promised we would talk tomorrow when I'm going to his place

What was the friend's explanation? 

Edited April 22, 2021 by Wiseman2

[lilahtokyo]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What is not adding up?

The only thing that is bad that he'd want to hide is an addiction. 

If he knew he has a severe cancer he would be broken and need his family's support. No one at 19 learn they have cancer and not tell their parents, friends and girlfriend. To learn of a cancer you need to see a doctor and have blood test done, scans and biopsy...and he would have done that without a soul knowing about it? I don't think so. 

 

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

What was the friend's explanation?

His friend told me that some time ago he'd been on the train with my boyfriend and he'd gotten so unwell that they'd gotten off the train and someone at the station called an ambulance. My boyfriend refused to go with them against medical advice and actually had his friend sign the paper as a witness that he was refusing to go ama. His friend had him promise that he would see a doctor and when he checked in on him later my bf apparently told him that he was a lot better and that he was staying with me and I was looking after him. And later said he's had a checkup and he was fine. His friend didn't know that I never knew about that and I think it was a lie that he'd stayed with me afterwards. His friend wasn't sure about when exactly it was but if it was when we think it was then he definitely wasn't with me that weekend. So I think he lied about the checkup too.

I would almost start believing the addiction theory but he just isn't the type of person to do something like that. By that I mean that he's very straight edge, not as a philosophy but simply because he doesn't see the appeal. I'm sure it's not that. 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, lilahtokyo said:

I would almost start believing the addiction theory but he just isn't the type of person to do something like that. By that I mean that he's very straight edge, not as a philosophy but simply because he doesn't see the appeal. I'm sure it's not that. 

Yes, that's what he **appears** to be in front of people. You only see him 3 times a week. Wait tomorrow and see what he says. I'm afraid it will be only something you've heard before. Isn't he off University right now? What is he so busy with? Part of me thinks he asked to talk tomorrow so he has some time to come up with a story. 

[FMW]

I was involved with someone who was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  He was extremely private about it, I'm only aware of one other person he told other than me and made it clear he didn't want me to tell anyone else.  Not everyone reacts the same to a health crisis, so you can't rule anything out.  Sometimes other people have thought processes that don't make sense to us.  Maybe it is a drug issue, but if it is serious enough to make him noticeably ill I wouldn't think he would be able to hide it for the three days a week you were together.  

I'm sorry you have to wait until tomorrow to talk, that's nerve wracking.    

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, lilahtokyo said:

His friend told me that some time ago he'd been on the train with my boyfriend and he'd gotten so unwell that they'd gotten off the train and someone at the station called an ambulance. My boyfriend refused to go with them against medical advice

This is the same thing that you observed and the friend didn't really offer any information. Except that your observation is that it's 'recent'.

You and this friend still don't know what "bad night" means or if he's addicted to something. 

Why do you have to go there in person to supposedly hear the truth? He keeps denying anything is wrong. 

Edited April 22, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, FMW said:

I was involved with someone who was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  He was extremely private about it, I'm only aware of one other person he told other than me and made it clear he didn't want me to tell anyone else

He's a kid (sorry OP). He's just 19. He's in University so I imagine he's under his parents health insurance. He could have gone and have extended test done without them getting the bill?

 

[lilahtokyo]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yes, that's what he **appears** to be in front of people. You only see him 3 times a week. Wait tomorrow and see what he says. I'm afraid it will be only something you've heard before. Isn't he off University right now? What is he so busy with? Part of me thinks he asked to talk tomorrow so he has some time to come up with a story. 

He's writing research articles and has already started preparing his thesis so he can finish his degree early. It's actually true when he says he's busy and I hope you're wrong and he's not just using it as an excuse to think of something to get me to stop worrying.

6 minutes ago, FMW said:

I was involved with someone who was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  He was extremely private about it, I'm only aware of one other person he told other than me and made it clear he didn't want me to tell anyone else.  Not everyone reacts the same to a health crisis, so you can't rule anything out.  Sometimes other people have thought processes that don't make sense to us.  Maybe it is a drug issue, but if it is serious enough to make him noticeably ill I wouldn't think he would be able to hide it for the three days a week you were together.  

I'm sorry you have to wait until tomorrow to talk, that's nerve wracking.    

 I'm sorry you had to make that experience but I thank you for your insight. I hope I'm wrong and just thinking of the worst thing because I'm afraid of losing him and that whatever he will tell me is a lot less bad than my worst fears.

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is the same thing that you observed and the friend didn't really offer any information. Except that your observation is that it's 'recent'.

You and this friend still don't know what "bad night" means or if he's addicted to something. 

Why do you have to go there in person to supposedly hear the truth? He keeps denying anything is wrong. 

His friend didn't even know there was anything wrong, he said he thought it was a one time thing. And now he's worried,  too.

The bad nights simply mean that he didn't sleep well that night. And I still don't believe the addiction thing. He was completely fine earlier this year, this started very sudden.

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

He's a kid (sorry OP). He's just 19. He's in University so I imagine he's under his parents health insurance. He could have gone and have extended test done without them getting the bill?

 

We don't get bills here for medical procedures so if he did see a doctor his parents wouldn't know despite family insurance.

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, lilahtokyo said:

The bad nights simply mean that he didn't sleep well that night. And I still don't believe the addiction thing. He was completely fine earlier this year, this started very sudden.

You know that Universities are full of *study drugs* right? Drugs to keep you awake and alert to push through your study & papers. He was fine earlier this year means nothing in terms of drug usage. He may  have started lately, or he may have started to over-use lately. 

[SaraSays]

Deep breaths. Wishing you the very best today - do your very best to remain calm and kind. Whatever it is, has been an enormous amount for him to carry alone, so please be gentle, if you can.

[lilahtokyo]

So we did actually sit down and talk and I think we was finally honest with me about this. What he said did not lessen my worries in any way, though.

There's two things, basically. First, he has been feeling physically unwell but doesn't know what it is and he didn't want to worry me and it somehow seems to come in waves and every time he thinks he's fine again it starts happening again. He describes it as feeling physically weak, shaky and dizzy and sometimes nauseous, too. He promised me he would make a doctor's appointment next week. So that's good.

But the other thing is that he's scared that something might be wrong with him mentally. He isn't sure what it is but he said it's sort of like pseudohallucinations and intrusive thoughts. Talking about it made him really uncomfortable and freaked out, so he wasn't really able to give me good examples. From what he described I only understood that he has this strange feeling that his throat and neck are becoming really thin and are somehow disintegrating and that his head might fall off. And other things like getting strange visual flashes of arteries and other tube like structures that make him uncomfortable. I didn't really get that.

I'm trying not to freak out, too, because of what he's told me. My first thought was schizophrenia but people with schizophrenia don't realise or acknowledge that what they're experiencing isn't real, right?

Could it be that he's just overworked? Could it "just" be panic attacks? I want to talk to him to get a better idea what we're dealing with here but I know that the last thing he needs is me to freak out and smother him so I will not do that. I'm really scared though. :(

[Gaeta]

I'm not a doctor and not making a diagnosis here but it sounds like anxiety. I had an anxiety attack once and l had all the symptoms of a heart attack. l even paralyzed on my left side while being carried away in ambulance. I was medicated for 6 months and it never happenned to me again. 

I'm glad he agreed to see a doctor. 

[BaileyB]

He needs to see a doctor. 

It does sound like anxiety. Whether this is something more, only the doctor will be able to say. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, lilahtokyo said:

He isn't sure what it is but he said it's sort of like pseudohallucinations and intrusive thoughts. he has this strange feeling that his throat and neck are becoming really thin and are somehow disintegrating and that his head might fall off. And other things like getting strange visual flashes of arteries and other tube like structures that make him uncomfortable.

Sorry to hear this. Good he's going to a doctor. Yes, schizophrenia often has it's onset in the 20s, however this could be anything. Step back a bit until he sees a physician.

[spiderowl]

I am glad he is seeing a doctor, OP.  This could be something as mild as an inner ear problem or possibly something to do with the central nervous system.

Does he drive?  It might be an idea for him to avoid driving or cycling until he's seen the doc.

Please keep us posted.  I think you did well to pursue this with him and now he's going in the right direction for his own sake.