lilahtokyo Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 I feel so stupid for asking this because most people would probably say that you don't keep important things for each other in a serious relationship and that there's no point in being together if you don't know how to approach something or feel like your partner is lying to you. And I know everyone with relationship troubles says this but: it's different with us and the issue is not a lack of trust or anything like that. Bf and I have been together for 17 months but we were friends before that so I really can say that I know him and that I can tell when something's off. And he HAS been off for the last six weeks or so. I think it started with him being more quiet and I got the impression that he wasn't feeling well even though he brushed it off when I asked him about it. He constantly seems tired and sometimes he seems to get dizzy and I've seen him getting nauseous, too. He just doesn't seem right but whenever I ask him he pretends he doesn't know what I'm talking about. The more I push the subject the more he seems to retreat and I feel like he's built up this wall around himself and refuses to let me in. I know it's not because he doesn't trust me because he used to be this way since I first met him: always keeping things to himself, especially serious stuff or things he thought would worry me. It got a lot better but now he's doing this again and I'm starting to really worry because I think he can't possibly think that I don't notice. So either he honestly doesn't think there's anything wrong or he knows exactly what's wrong and doesn't want to tell me because he knows I would worry. That scares me because my fear is that he might be seriously ill and has for some reason come to the conclusion that it would be better not to tell me. Or maybe I'm getting unreasonable myself because not knowing makes me jump to the worst conclusions. Cornering him doesn't work and I don't want to stress him out but I need to know what's wrong and at this point I'm seriously considering involving his parents. Please tell me what you would do in my position?
Gaeta Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 He's out of work because he's not feeling well or for other reasons? How old is he?
Author lilahtokyo Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: He's out of work because he's not feeling well or for other reasons? How old is he? Hello! No, he's studying at uni. He's 19.
Gaeta Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 Any possibility he's using drugs? At his age it's pretty unlikely he has health problems. 1
Author lilahtokyo Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Any possibility he's using drugs? At his age it's pretty unlikely he has health problems. Definitely not, he doesn't even drink.
Gaeta Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 When he feels bad enough he'll see a doctor. If he has something serious and is hiding it from you, how long you think he can maintain that lie? Not long. It will come out eventually.
Wiseman2 Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 (edited) 45 minutes ago, lilahtokyo said: he's studying at uni. He's 19. He'll tell you when/if he wants to. You're being too invasive and anxious about it. People have a right to privacy. His pushback is that you are crossing boundaries and being too nosy. He has friends and family and student health and doctors he can talk to. Relax, he'll tell you when he wants, not when you want. Edited April 20, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Author lilahtokyo Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 4 hours ago, Gaeta said: When he feels bad enough he'll see a doctor. If he has something serious and is hiding it from you, how long you think he can maintain that lie? Not long. It will come out eventually. I can't just watch him being like this and pretend it's fine, even if this seems to be what he's expecting from me? 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: He'll tell you when/if he wants to. You're being too invasive and anxious about it. People have a right to privacy. His pushback is that you are crossing boundaries and being too nosy. He has friends and family and student health and doctors he can talk to. Relax, he'll tell you when he wants, not when you want. Yes, people have a right to privacy. But we're in a relationship and he's obviously not well and I'm supposed to just shrug it off? I know if it were me who wasn't feeling well he would want to know. He would want to help me but doesn't let me help him. I could ask his parents or his other best friend to talk to him but that seems invasive.
Wiseman2 Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, lilahtokyo said: I know if it were me...... Is this a distance relationship? Have you seen him be ill or is he relating that info to you? If and when he's really to tell you, he will. Do not panic and mother or play nurse or contact his people.. He's not a helpless child. he has parents, friends, etc. he can go to. Are you sure he's not just telling you this to get off the phone or avoid seeing you? Is it possible he feels suffocated? Edited April 20, 2021 by Wiseman2
Author lilahtokyo Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Is this a distance relationship? Have you seen him be ill or is he relating that info to you? If and when he's really to tell you, he will. Do not panic and mother or play nurse or contact his people.. He's not a helpless child. he has parents, friends, etc. he can go to. Are you sure he's not just telling you this to get off the phone or avoid seeing you? Is it possible he feels suffocated? It's not long distance, I see him several days a week. He turned from very energetic to subdued, where he used to excitedly tell me about stuff he now rarely says anything and when I ask him why he's so quiet he tells me that he's just tired. He has no appetite, he's pale, he's lost his energy and I've seen him be shaky or unsteady several times. Two weeks ago or so he disappeared from the house and I found him dryheaving in the garden. He said it was from drinking too much coffee on an empty stomach. I wish he would just let a doctor look him over and I told him so but he brushed it off saying he was fine. I'm not imagining this and I'm very sure it has nothing to do with me or our relationship. He's not talking to me but he's not pushing me away in any other sense. He wants to be around me but doesn't want to talk. I asked him why he won't tell me what's wrong and he said because there isn't anything wrong. I asked him what I can do and he said he just wants to hold me. He keeps saying that he's fine while everything he does is telling a different story and it scares me because I don't know why he won't just tell me.
Alfano Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 Get him COVID tested. If he won't go get yourself COVID tested. 1
Author lilahtokyo Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 1 minute ago, Alfano said: Get him COVID tested. If he won't go get yourself COVID tested. We regularly self-test at home, at least once a week.
FMW Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 If I had a real concern about the well-being of the guy I was involved with for 17 months + (and with everything you're describing, I would in your case) I would talk to his best friend about it. I'm very careful about overstepping boundaries, but I don't think it's invasive to share legitimate concerns about his health with someone who also cares about him. 1 1 1
lana-banana Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 (edited) It would be one thing if you were in your 30s or planning to get married or whatever, but you're extremely young people in a college relationship. You can't expect him to treat you like a spouse. If you can't take it anymore, tell him so; either he will tell you about it or he won't, but you can't make him open up to you (and indeed the fact that he feels like he doesn't want to/can't should tell you something about the relationship). What have his friends said? Edited April 20, 2021 by lana-banana
Author lilahtokyo Posted April 21, 2021 Author Posted April 21, 2021 7 hours ago, lana-banana said: It would be one thing if you were in your 30s or planning to get married or whatever, but you're extremely young people in a college relationship. You can't expect him to treat you like a spouse. If you can't take it anymore, tell him so; either he will tell you about it or he won't, but you can't make him open up to you (and indeed the fact that he feels like he doesn't want to/can't should tell you something about the relationship). What have his friends said? I don't agree with what you're saying. People in their 30s can me in an immature relationship. People get married for all the wrong reasons all the time. Age is no factor in whether a relationship is serious or not. I've also known him for half my life and we are and always have been very serious about each other. I don't know what his other friends say because I haven't so far brought up the subject because it felt invasive to talk about possible vulnerabilities with others when he clearly wants to avoid the subject.
Wiseman2 Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, lilahtokyo said: It's not long distance, I see him several days a week. He turned from very energetic to subdued, where he used to excitedly tell me about stuff he now rarely says anything and when I ask him why he's so quiet he tells me that he's just tired. He has no appetite, he's pale, he's lost his energy and I've seen him be shaky or unsteady several times. Two weeks ago or so he disappeared from the house and I found him dryheaving in the garden. He said it was from drinking too much coffee on an empty stomach. I wish he would just let a doctor look him over and I told him so but he brushed it off saying he was fine. I'm not imagining this and I'm very sure it has nothing to do with me or our relationship. He's not talking to me but he's not pushing me away in any other sense. He wants to be around me but doesn't want to talk. I asked him why he won't tell me what's wrong and he said because there isn't anything wrong. I asked him what I can do and he said he just wants to hold me. He keeps saying that he's fine while everything he does is telling a different story and it scares me because I don't know why he won't just tell me. Don't ask his friends or do endruns around him . He's an adult. Just ask him point blank what's up with the dry heaves. Tell him the truth. "You look awful" and ask if he's doing drugs. Then distance yourself. His going quiet is a relationship thing. Maybe he doesn't know how to end it, maybe there's someone else. Lives with parents, roommates or alone? He's trying to hide the dry heaves so it may be drugs or feelings sick around you because he's doesn't have the heart to end it. For some reason you're tiptoeing around it afraid to face the truth. Edited April 21, 2021 by Wiseman2
elaine567 Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 Just because he is only 19, does not mean he is not seriously ill. He sounds pretty ill to me and I think if you can't convince him to get help with a final big effort, then you have to get his parents involved. It has gone on long enough. 1
Author lilahtokyo Posted April 21, 2021 Author Posted April 21, 2021 24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Don't ask his friends or do endruns around him . He's an adult. Just ask him point blank what's up with the dry heaves. Tell him the truth. "You look awful" and ask if he's doing drugs. Then distance yourself. His going quiet is a relationship thing. Maybe he doesn't know how to end it, maybe there's someone else. Lives with parents, roommates or alone? He's trying to hide the dry heaves so it may be drugs or feelings sick around you because he's doesn't have the heart to end it. For some reason you're tiptoeing around it afraid to face the truth. I did confront him. More than once. He pretended to not know what I was talking about, implying I was overreacting. He's always "just tired", had "too much coffee" or a "bad night". He is currently living alone but I stay at his place at least three days a week. He's not avoiding me at all, he's very affectionate and sweet, it's just that he's not talking. The reason I'm "tiptoeing" is that I think if I confront him and he chooses not to tell me he must have a serious reason to do so and pushing him further will not help. It's not like him to make me worry so that makes me think that he believes that whatever he is hiding must be worse than me going crazy with worry. 19 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Just because he is only 19, does not mean he is not seriously ill. He sounds pretty ill to me and I think if you can't convince him to get help with a final big effort, then you have to get his parents involved. It has gone on long enough. I just don't understand why he's not telling me if I obviously knows that I can see that something's wrong and that I'm going crazy with worry. He will probably be upset if I tell his parents but I don't know what else to do at this point.
Author lilahtokyo Posted April 21, 2021 Author Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) Deleted Edited April 21, 2021 by lilahtokyo Accidental double post. Please delete!
ExpatInItaly Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) 30 minutes ago, lilahtokyo said: I just don't understand why he's not telling me if I obviously knows that I can see that something's wrong and that I'm going crazy with worry. OP, the reason might be because he is afraid and trying to ignore his own symptoms. Admitting to you that something is wrong would first mean admitting to himself that he might have a more serious problem. And that can be very scary, especially when someone is so young. I agree with whomever said that his young age doesn't mean he isn't seriously ill. It can and does happen. I would try not to take this so personally, but rather understand that brushing it off might be a mechanism of denial for himself. I have known a few people who tried to minimize signs of trouble not because they didn't want to share with loved ones, but because they weren't yet ready to recognize that they might have a health problem. It's not safe to do so, of course, but I would be careful not to make this about you. He might be too afraid to see reality. As such, I would instead approach him from a more compassionate angle. Not an accusatory one. Don't make the conversation about how he isn't letting you in. Explain that as someone who cares about him, you cannot ignore his worrying symptoms and urge him to make a doctor's appointment. The rest is up to him, but try to rememeber he might be quite anxious about what is going on with him, too. Edited April 21, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 2 1
lana-banana Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, lilahtokyo said: I don't agree with what you're saying. People in their 30s can me in an immature relationship. People get married for all the wrong reasons all the time. Age is no factor in whether a relationship is serious or not. I've also known him for half my life and we are and always have been very serious about each other. I don't know what his other friends say because I haven't so far brought up the subject because it felt invasive to talk about possible vulnerabilities with others when he clearly wants to avoid the subject. I know that it matters a lot to you and your relationship feels very serious, but there's a huge difference in relationships at age 19 vs 29 vs 39, that's all. It doesn't mean either of you care any less than others at that age, simply that the stakes and circumstances are very different. Do you think he's gone to a doctor or he might know what's going on and is choosing to hide that from you, or is just flat-out refusing? The fact that he's shutting you out so completely makes me wonder whether he knows what's happening, is getting some kind of treatment or is very frightened and doesn't want to let you in on it, vs. just him not wanting to see a doctor. But either way it's a major cause for concern. Yes, 19-year-olds can get extremely sick. He might be afraid of burdening you with the diagnosis or maybe he doesn't even want to believe he's that ill. If you are this worried about his health and it's this obvious something is wrong, talk to his close friends---they should all have noticed as well. "Hey, he's been looking pretty ill and I'm worried" is a totally reasonable thing to ask. Edited April 21, 2021 by lana-banana 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 1 hour ago, lilahtokyo said: He's always "just tired", had "too much coffee" or a "bad night". it's just that he's not talking. Is he a heavy drinker or drug user? You need to ask. If he were really ill he'd go to a doctor. Most people who drink heavily/do drugs don't. When you say "not talking" do you mean in general or just about the tiredness? What does he mean by "bad night"? If you are at his house 3x/week you must know. It would be best to ask him about drinking/drugs. He'll probably lie/deny but it puts it out there that you aren't that stupid and not noticing it. Then pull back. Stop staying there this much.
SaraSays Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 This is really hard. I wouldn't involve anyone else, as the impression of what's going on could be so wrong (this may just be who he is, and how he wants to live his life). Telling someone undermines him, I think, as an adult able to make choices about his own life.
Negotaurus Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 Happened to me at 20 when I was stressed out and drinking too much coffee and energy drinks + not sleeping well. That’s what came into my mind. 1
Ami1uwant Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 From someone who has medical conditions and had thrm all my life... hemight not think he has anything wrong and doesn’t thing it’s medical given he is young have you talked to his mom about this. Maybe he had a condition as a child and doesn’t evrn remrmber it.
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