Should I tell him how he made me feel

[Buki93]

I've been dating a guy for about 2 months, we've been seeing each other a couple of times a week, staying over at each other's houses, going for walks, hanging out, playing games, cooking together, spending the night...

We both wanted something serious and made that clear from quite early on so as to not waste time.

We talked every day, sending memes and discussing work, general nice conversation, we have lots in common.

2 weeks ago I said goodnight to him (we did that pretty much every day before sleeping) and he didnt reply - fair enough I thought, hes probably gone to sleep

Next day there were no messages from him whatsoever, I texted a "Hey how are you today" and again, no reply all day. Next day I sent "hey just checking you're ok? Hope work is being good to you" and again, no reply.

The day after that I was a bit worried mainly because this guy texts all day long and we are both quite talkative so I tried calling, no answer.

He then messaged me that evening saying "big problem I'll let you know I'm sorry"

So I immediately think oh crap i hope everything is ok, hope his health is good, hope everything is alright with his job and family.

So thennn I text him "ohhh hope everything is ok, I'm so sorry. Let me know if theres anything I can do to help"

No replies after that for one whole week. 

I waited 8 days and texted him to please update me whenever he could, I've been worried (which I genuinely had). I also sent him a ceramic bear hug thing in the post with a note saying since I'm not near enough to actually hug you, hope all is ok.

Again no response. That was around 3pm.

That evening about 11pm I'm on Instagram and I see hes posted a photo of him kissing a girl on the cheek, another photo with them both in it and a couple more of some place they went to together for the day.

I just thought WOW. What happened to communication? I would have had SO much more respect for him if he said "listen we are just not working out but I wish you the best" instead of full on ignoring me like this.

I'm not going to pretend it's been years with this person and I'm so so hurt I've lost him - it's only been two months. However there have been beautiful memories and I did like him very much.

I sent him a message after seeing the photos saying "I don't really know what to say haha, it just would have been nice if you let me know we weren't working out just so I knew that's all. Instead of not communicating it because I had truly no idea. I wish you all the best anyway". 

He saw that immediately and no reply.

 

I just feel like I (or any human being) deserve to be told about where we are at in the relationship. I feel extremely sad - not because I'm losing him but mainly because I feel that I have been treated so badly and with an element of total disrespect. I feel kinda disposable.

What makes things a bit worse is that I had made him some toy model thingies, he knows I'd made them and I'd spent quite a lot of time money and effort on them (I kept him updated throughout the process as I treated it like a commission) and he knew I was going to give those to him next time I saw him. He also knew I had planned to cook a special dish for him to bring over with me on our next date to enjoy.

These little things to me, just seem to add to the whole disrespect thing and make it seem like he didnt care. 

I'd love to know if anyone agrees with me about this and also if you think I should text him yet again, letting him know how i feel or should i just leave and forget him entirely like he seems to have done with me?

It's still all very fresh so excuse the lack of structure and the length of this absolute essay! 

Thank you..

[Gaeta]

No, it's over. Drop it. You cannot hammer integrity into someone. They have it, or they don't. 

I know it's unfair but that's dating. 

I once was ghosted by a man I dated 6 months! He even had met my family during the holidays and he didn't have the gut to end it properly. He dissappeared and emailed me 2 months later to apologize and said I deserved better than him. He was right on that. 

I'm sorry you had to go through that. 

[d0nnivain]

He's not worth the effort

[Johnjohnson2017]

Don't waste any more time thinking about him. He's not worth it. You don't need people like him in your life. I'm sure if you knew his true colors you would not have ever been interested in him.

[Amanda141]

Omg I’m so sorry. What happened to communication?? Even a simple text would have been okay. No, nothing at all. I can imagine how you’re feeling. I suggest you focus your attention on yourself and on someone else. He doesn’t deserve you, you deserve a real gentleman

[BC1980]

Sorry this happened to you. Absolutely do not text him again. One reason is that he won't care what you have you say. The other reason is that you won't feel any better by doing this. You'll likely feel a lot worse. Unfriend him, and move on.

[kendahke]

It sounds like he had just broken up with someone and got with the first person who said "let's go"... and he spent all his time with you to try to get over her, but he wasn't ready to be with anyone new just yet. That's what sucks about not processing a break up before you start with someone new. Then the ex he really wants to be with gets over the fight and they're thick as thieves again and he's ignoring the person he'd built a false intimacy with. False on his part--you weren't false about your intent and he pretty much counted on that to move things forward for two months.

The best thing you can do is block and delete his number, his IG, all social media, repurpose whatever it was you made him into something else and let this go. Performing isn't going to make him flip around and be with you. For him, you were serving a temporary service and now that time's up for him.

No one who is interested in you is going to let you flap in the wind for 8 days out of fear that some other guy will snatch you up.

And to answer your question: no. Maintain your grace and dignity. He already knows how he made you feel:

Quote

I sent him a message after seeing the photos saying "I don't really know what to say haha, it just would have been nice if you let me know we weren't working out just so I knew that's all. Instead of not communicating it because I had truly no idea.

Oh, and never "ha ha" when you're being dead serious. That was messed up how he let you find out that you were demoted and dismissed.

Edited April 20, 2021 by kendahke

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Buki93 said:

He then messaged me that evening saying "big problem I'll let you know I'm sorry"

Maybe the big problem is that his girlfriend caught him dating someone else?

Either way, don't message him again. He is showing you that he does not care, unfortunately, and you are likely going to get no response in return. What a jerk. Delete and block him everywhere. 

And I agree with kendahke. When delivering a serious message, omit the "haha." It's okay to be upset and not try to hide it behind lols. 

[chillii]

l don't understand all these people we read about , never did l come across or show such fakeness and little respect nor had it. l suppose you could send him , it's done, won't make any difference anyway if you do . Maybe he sends you something back in reply , or doesn't .

[Wiseman2]

Telling him off may feel good, but it's closing the barn door after the horses have left.

[Buki93]

19 hours ago, Gaeta said:

No, it's over. Drop it. You cannot hammer integrity into someone. They have it, or they don't. 

I know it's unfair but that's dating. 

I once was ghosted by a man I dated 6 months! He even had met my family during the holidays and he didn't have the gut to end it properly. He dissappeared and emailed me 2 months later to apologize and said I deserved better than him. He was right on that. 

I'm sorry you had to go through that. 

Thanks for your input, I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you too! I genuinely dont know how people can be so insensitive. And yes I'm sure you could do better, we all deserve the best. I just need to get over the hurt soon and itll be fine.

[Buki93]

18 hours ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

Don't waste any more time thinking about him. He's not worth it. You don't need people like him in your life. I'm sure if you knew his true colors you would not have ever been interested in him.

Thanks, yes I agree, I didnt know him that long so good that this happened now rather than later, despite the temporary hurt

[Buki93]

18 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Omg I’m so sorry. What happened to communication?? Even a simple text would have been okay. No, nothing at all. I can imagine how you’re feeling. I suggest you focus your attention on yourself and on someone else. He doesn’t deserve you, you deserve a real gentleman

Thanks for the reply, yes I totally agree! I'll be fine once I've gotten over the initial hurt, all the responses have really really helped

[Buki93]

15 hours ago, BC1980 said:

Sorry this happened to you. Absolutely do not text him again. One reason is that he won't care what you have you say. The other reason is that you won't feel any better by doing this. You'll likely feel a lot worse. Unfriend him, and move on.

I agree with you, at the time it was all so fresh and I thought maybe me texting again would make a different but I for sure know better now. The replies have helped and made me fully realise that. Thanks for your input

[Buki93]

13 hours ago, kendahke said:

It sounds like he had just broken up with someone and got with the first person who said "let's go"... and he spent all his time with you to try to get over her, but he wasn't ready to be with anyone new just yet. That's what sucks about not processing a break up before you start with someone new. Then the ex he really wants to be with gets over the fight and they're thick as thieves again and he's ignoring the person he'd built a false intimacy with. False on his part--you weren't false about your intent and he pretty much counted on that to move things forward for two months.

The best thing you can do is block and delete his number, his IG, all social media, repurpose whatever it was you made him into something else and let this go. Performing isn't going to make him flip around and be with you. For him, you were serving a temporary service and now that time's up for him.

No one who is interested in you is going to let you flap in the wind for 8 days out of fear that some other guy will snatch you up.

And to answer your question: no. Maintain your grace and dignity. He already knows how he made you feel:

Oh, and never "ha ha" when you're being dead serious. That was messed up how he let you find out that you were demoted and dismissed.

Thanks for your detailed input - I agree with everything you say now it's been a couple of days I've thought about stuff and all the responses have been so enlightening. 

Agree with the haha thing too, again it was all overwhelming in the moment and I lost composure. I can deffo do better and I'm glad this happened sooner rather than later. Once I get over the initial hurt it will be much better.

And yes nobody should leave someone worrying/waiting for so long, idk how I still gave him the benefit of the doubt during that!

[Buki93]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe the big problem is that his girlfriend caught him dating someone else?

Either way, don't message him again. He is showing you that he does not care, unfortunately, and you are likely going to get no response in return. What a jerk. Delete and block him everywhere. 

And I agree with kendahke. When delivering a serious message, omit the "haha." It's okay to be upset and not try to hide it behind lols. 

Thanks for your input - I dont even think I care about whatever the big problem was, his behaviour and treatment is just so crappy and after a couple of days and reading these replies I'm easily seeing it now. We all deserve better people than this.

[Buki93]

5 hours ago, chillii said:

l don't understand all these people we read about , never did l come across or show such fakeness and little respect nor had it. l suppose you could send him , it's done, won't make any difference anyway if you do . Maybe he sends you something back in reply , or doesn't .

Thanks, yes I totally agree. I decided not to send anything again, I'm going to maintain what I have of my pride. 

Nobody deserves to be treated in such a way and I am glad it all happened sooner rather than later. 

[Buki93]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Telling him off may feel good, but it's closing the barn door after the horses have left.

Thanks, such a good way of putting it!

[BC1980]

1 hour ago, Buki93 said:

I agree with you, at the time it was all so fresh and I thought maybe me texting again would make a different but I for sure know better now. The replies have helped and made me fully realise that. Thanks for your input

I've made the mistake of telling someone that they made me feel bad for what they did, and I was really surprised to realize the person just didn't care. It makes you feel terrible.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry he behaved this way.  It shows what kind of guy he is though, definitely not up to your standards.

I'm sure you'll find someone better when you have recovered.  You deserve so much better.

Only thing that crossed my mind, when reading your post, is that you've done really sweet things for this guy, making things and suchlike.  It was early days in the relationship and it is lovely that you did those things.  However, it might be best to hold back from investing too much in a guy at the beginning.  Guys often prefer to feel they are 'winning' you rather than that you are there for them from the start and going to a lot of trouble for them.  If you are already there and doing your best for him, then there is nothing for him to win - he has already won you!

I am not saying the above to blame you in any way, because it is clear to me that you are a real catch and that a decent guy will be lucky to have you.  I only mention it because a guy needs to earn your investment, especially at the beginning, because otherwise he's going to feel he doesn't have to make any effort for you.

[Buki93]

20 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I'm sorry he behaved this way.  It shows what kind of guy he is though, definitely not up to your standards.

I'm sure you'll find someone better when you have recovered.  You deserve so much better.

Only thing that crossed my mind, when reading your post, is that you've done really sweet things for this guy, making things and suchlike.  It was early days in the relationship and it is lovely that you did those things.  However, it might be best to hold back from investing too much in a guy at the beginning.  Guys often prefer to feel they are 'winning' you rather than that you are there for them from the start and going to a lot of trouble for them.  If you are already there and doing your best for him, then there is nothing for him to win - he has already won you!

I am not saying the above to blame you in any way, because it is clear to me that you are a real catch and that a decent guy will be lucky to have you.  I only mention it because a guy needs to earn your investment, especially at the beginning, because otherwise he's going to feel he doesn't have to make any effort for you.

Thanks for your input, you're totally right.

I get what you mean, I saw it as a give and take, balanced relationship and I ho early didnt mind because I do love making people happy - it's just painful ofc because I still cant believe this is the same person and how anyone can treat someone else in such a way, so childish and cowardly honestly. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 4/20/2021 at 10:11 AM, Buki93 said:

I've been dating a guy for about 2 months

To him, this may have been a casual FWB situation. Did he ever formally ask you to stop seeing others and be his girlfriend?