Jbon Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 I was hoping this didn’t come up in my next long term relationship but I guess it’s inevitable. I’ve been dating (now living with) my boyfriend for almost two years. I love him very much and he’s definitely way better than my exes and my ex husband. The relationship has flaws and issues that we’re working on. But money seems to be the biggest issue in my mind. We’ve been living paycheck to paycheck since we pretty much started dating. We’ve realized our shortcomings like we don’t make a lot at our jobs. I’m in debt. He’s in debt. We’re working on fixing that. About two months ago he quit his job and kind of lied to me that the company owed him money. So I was on a rampage to help him retrieve that money, only to find out that he’d been lying for weeks. The company didn’t owe him anything and it started two months of him not working and having no income. He did finally get a new job and he starts May 3rd. It’s great pay too. So because he’s not getting any income, our bills are late; mostly all of them including rent. I’m not happy about it and I’ve been very vocal about that. He doesn’t want to dwell on the negativity and he has apologized. He feels bad, but he doesn’t want to dwell. I can’t help but dwell because this mistake has now echoed and our bills are now late and I can’t afford all of them on my own so it sucks. I’m angry and we argue about it. Mostly me being mad and him telling me that I don’t need to keep reminding him.
central Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 You're rightly upset, but continuing to bring it up will probably make the situation worse going forward. When he's working again with better pay, he needs to make up the overdue bills and compensate you for any extra you put in to keeping things together. Maybe you want to break up because of this, or he may do so if you keep reminding him of his failures. If that's not what you want (and living apart will be even more difficult if you remain cash-strapped), then find a way to make peace. 1
Gaeta Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 That's a pretty big lie and would shake anyone's trust. You have not forgiven him yet that's why you keep bringning it up. Do you think you can gain trust in him again? Have HIM call your service providers and work a payment agreement until his first pay. 2
d0nnivain Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 More relationships end over money than anything else. I couldn't live with a liar especially one who makes my life situation more precarious. 1
Author Jbon Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: More relationships end over money than anything else. I couldn't live with a liar especially one who makes my life situation more precarious. I want to forgive him and move on. You’re right, they do end, and i don’t want that to happen this time around. It’s tough and again you’re right that living with someone who has made my life a little more difficult is not fun. I think it’s going to make me put mu guard up more for a long time until I do get over it.
Happy Lemming Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 Once he is re-employed, how would you feel about a written budget?? One that would include paying off your debts in a reasonable amount of time??
Author Jbon Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 10 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Once he is re-employed, how would you feel about a written budget?? One that would include paying off your debts in a reasonable amount of time?? Yes, we’ve already started a budget based on the estimated pay and he’s aware of what he needs to do. We’re searching for couples therapy too.
Happy Lemming Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 3 minutes ago, Jbon said: Yes, we’ve already started a budget based on the estimated pay... OK... Well let's see if he can stick to the budget and follow through with it. He starts (his new job) May 3rd, when does he receive his first paycheck from the new job??
Author Jbon Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 Just now, Happy Lemming said: OK... Well let's see if he can stick to the budget and follow through with it. He starts (his new job) May 3rd, when does he receive his first paycheck from the new job?? First pay will be May 14th.
Happy Lemming Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 Just now, Jbon said: First pay will be May 14th. So in approximately 24 days, you'll find out if he is willing to follow through with his word, stay on the budget and correct the finances.
Author Jbon Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 Just now, Happy Lemming said: So in approximately 24 days, you'll find out if he is willing to follow through with his word, stay on the budget and correct the finances. Yep! I’m hopeful that he’s going to make this right. I’ve already said my piece about how I feel to him, so he knows. I was married for 12 years and I put up with stuff then but I won’t again. Even though I’m not over what happened, I want to work on it with him, but if he doesn’t follow through, I don’t know.
Gaeta Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 I don't know, have a real good thinking about it. This relationship is only 2 years and you already have *issues* you're working on + money problems + now you're discovering he's a liar. Getting out of your financial situation will be hard work and if you start adding therapist expenses on top of that how will you ever get out of it? Seems to me you could do better. Often women will get out of dysfunctional long term relationships to jump right into another one with the same dysfunction. It might not be at the same level but it's still the same old, same old. 3
Author Jbon Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 13 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I don't know, have a real good thinking about it. This relationship is only 2 years and you already have *issues* you're working on + money problems + now you're discovering he's a liar. Getting out of your financial situation will be hard work and if you start adding therapist expenses on top of that how will you ever get out of it? Seems to me you could do better. Often women will get out of dysfunctional long term relationships to jump right into another one with the same dysfunction. It might not be at the same level but it's still the same old, same old. I appreciate what you’re saving and while I do agree, if I thought for one second that I again moved in with someone who isn’t right for me and this isn’t long term, I’ll be crushed. And then what am I supposed to do? Secretly save for a year and the break up with him? That is why I am trying to make this work.
Wiseman2 Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 (edited) 40 minutes ago, Jbon said: We’re searching for couples therapy too. A financial planner who could set up an appropriate budget is a better investment. Budgets are based on necessities, not what people make (and therefor waste). Rent should be #1, then food, utilities, etc.. not couples therapy. Living in a cardboard box on the street won't help your relationship. The more you owe the more you lose. Late fees, possible evictions, reduced credit, poor credit scores, etc. Don't waste money on couples therapy. Both of you need to cut back on spending especially phones, entertainment TVs, etc. You also should both be working as many jobs/side hustles as possible. Finger pointing doesn't make save or make money. Sell all unneeded stuff. Unless you address underlying financial habits and priorities this problem and all the ensuing arguments will keep recurring. Edited April 20, 2021 by Wiseman2
Gaeta Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 7 minutes ago, Jbon said: I appreciate what you’re saving and while I do agree, if I thought for one second that I again moved in with someone who isn’t right for me and this isn’t long term, I’ll be crushed. And then what am I supposed to do? Secretly save for a year and the break up with him? That is why I am trying to make this work. We always think it's the right person and it's for the long haul at the beginning. It just seems to me it's a lot of problems for a fairly young relationship. You are already financially supporting him. You were ok before him, you'll be ok after him. I hope you get what you wish but he doesn't sound like he has the profile of a man that would work 3 jobs to pay off his debts.
dramafreezone Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Jbon said: I was hoping this didn’t come up in my next long term relationship but I guess it’s inevitable. I’ve been dating (now living with) my boyfriend for almost two years. I love him very much and he’s definitely way better than my exes and my ex husband. The relationship has flaws and issues that we’re working on. But money seems to be the biggest issue in my mind. We’ve been living paycheck to paycheck since we pretty much started dating. We’ve realized our shortcomings like we don’t make a lot at our jobs. I’m in debt. He’s in debt. We’re working on fixing that. About two months ago he quit his job and kind of lied to me that the company owed him money. So I was on a rampage to help him retrieve that money, only to find out that he’d been lying for weeks. The company didn’t owe him anything and it started two months of him not working and having no income. He did finally get a new job and he starts May 3rd. It’s great pay too. So because he’s not getting any income, our bills are late; mostly all of them including rent. I’m not happy about it and I’ve been very vocal about that. He doesn’t want to dwell on the negativity and he has apologized. He feels bad, but he doesn’t want to dwell. I can’t help but dwell because this mistake has now echoed and our bills are now late and I can’t afford all of them on my own so it sucks. I’m angry and we argue about it. Mostly me being mad and him telling me that I don’t need to keep reminding him. Well, you seem to know all of the issues, but then there's an issue of practicing accountability and responsible spending, really with both of you. You've done a good job of highlighting his issues but I'm guessing you have a lot to work on too. Why'd he quit his job? What are your spending habits like? Do you live above your means? What type of debt do you have (is this like student loans or credit cards), and what steps are you taking to reduce it? Do you have a payment plan? Have you seen a professional to help you manage your finances better? One of you has to start behaving like an adult and get this household in order. Edited April 20, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Lotsgoingon Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 (edited) The lying is a big deal. A huge deal. Lying about money, a very huge deal. Definitely a red flag. The problem with the lying is that it shows he ducks and hides when things get tough. Instead of owning up to what happened at work, he lies. Well, there is no reason to lie because it only puts distance between you and a love partner. The lying also suggests that he has a fragile ego. Then on the other end, he dismisses your angst about the lying about money. He's lying on the front end and then minimizing and dismissing the problem at the back end. Serious red flag. I'm not saying you dump him, but this is a serious, serious red flag. Work out this money issue before you think about getting married. Now what you could do is to assure him that you realize he's human and so the next time this happens, he need not hide things from you. Sometimes people get afraid of their partner, feel shame about money issues. Best thing you can do is reassure him that he can tell you the truth, that you will be satisfied as long as he is taking things seriously and trying to fix things. Edited April 20, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 1
Author Jbon Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Well, you seem to know all of the issues, but then there's an issue of practicing accountability and responsible spending, really with both of you. Why'd he quit his job? What are your spending habits like? Do you live above your means? What type of debt do you have (is this like student loans or credit cards), and what steps are you taking to reduce it? Do you have a payment plan? Have you seen a professional to help you manage your finances better? One of you has to start behaving like an adult and get this household in order. Yes, you’re right. We definitely both have a spending issue and personally for myself it’s been what seems like a lifelong battle. It definitely is something that I need to get a handle on. The debt that I acquired before I met him was due to my divorce and depression so it’s a credit card that I have been paying off slowly. As grim as I make our situation sound, I’m not in any bad debt. I don’t owe to collection agencies. Besides the last two months, I pay all my bills on time. I have worked with the companies where I owe money to provide me a little bit more time to pay so I’m not in any real financial danger at the moment. I have considered seeing a financial advisor but never acted on it so it’s possible that that’s probably what is best. We also moved to another state recently so we’re still new here and trying to get her bearings. Why did he quit his job? I don’t fully know that answer. The only thing I know about that is he originally told me they owed him money and everyone suggestion was to not work another day until they paid him. He basically voluntarily quit and I was under the assumption that they owed him money for weeks until I found out the truth.
dramafreezone Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 (edited) Well you definitely sound like the more responsible of the two. You should think long and hard about possibly marrying a man that would quit his job without discussing it with you. I think asking him why he quit his job is a very important question to ask. Is it due to a weak reason? If so how can you rely on someone like that? Edited April 20, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Gaeta Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 It's not only quitting his job without telling her. He lied about that job owing him money and sent her on a goose chase after that money. This is 2 very elaborate lies that he maintained while looking at her help him get that 'fake' money back. 1 1
Author Jbon Posted April 20, 2021 Author Posted April 20, 2021 I will say for everyone here because I didn’t mention it previously, but when we had the conversation about why he lied, he did say that he was afraid to tell me the truth because he thought that reaction would be worse. He has some emotional baggage from his previous relationship where his ex-girlfriend will get mad at him for every little thing so he was afraid to say anything. I did tell him that the truth is always better than lying. I already have trust issues from previous relationships myself so this felt like a massive blow. if I don’t immediately respond to comments, I apologize. I definitely feel like things are different between the two of us and I do still want to work on it but I agree that these are red flags that I need to keep in the back of my mind. For those of you who brought up marriage, I am nowhere near that with anybody because of my divorce. I don’t even know if that’s some thing I ever wanna do again. I don’t have kids and I don’t want them either. 1
Allupinnit Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 He probably got fired and didn't want to tell you. Just because you can pay your rent doesn't mean you aren't a paycheck away from being homeless. This is why pre-allocated saving is imperative for your financial health and future. How much of your paychecks are you putting away every month? It's precisely for times like these that you need cash you can access, NOT run up your credit cards, perpetuating the cycle of poverty. How old are the two of you? If you don't make that much and you're going into debt that means you are living WAY above your means. This is much more important to get a handle on than couples counseling at the moment. 2
Stupidkupid Posted April 20, 2021 Posted April 20, 2021 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: More relationships end over money than anything else. I couldn't live with a liar especially one who makes my life situation more precarious. This.
dramafreezone Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, Jbon said: For those of you who brought up marriage, I am nowhere near that with anybody because of my divorce. I don’t even know if that’s some thing I ever wanna do again. I don’t have kids and I don’t want them either. Well that's good to hear. This guy would be a disaster as a husband, and even as a long-term partner. Do you live together? Maybe you could just date but lead separate lives until he gets his life together, whch may never happen by the way. Edited April 21, 2021 by dramafreezone
Author Jbon Posted April 21, 2021 Author Posted April 21, 2021 4 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Well that's good to hear. This guy would be a disaster as a husband, and even as a long-term partner. Do you live together? Maybe you could just date but lead separate lives until he gets his life together, whch may never happen by the way. Yes, we live together. We have no shared accounts or anything. We split the shared bills down the middle (when he’s working.)
Recommended Posts