Afraid of breaking up/how do I know it's the right time and how to deal with it

[JG31678]

TLTR: My bf is lovely but I am not as excited anymore and not sure if this natural or it’s time to break up. What will stop the grass is greener attitude in the future?

Hi guys. My boyfriend and I (23, 22) have been dating for about 2 1/2 years and over the last 6-8 months I definitely feel like the honeymoon phase has ended and I am not as excited and head over heels as I used to be. 

While I understand this is natural at some times I question whether I am even attracted to him at all and recently I have found I am not interested in spending time with him and am irritable in his presence. Note: he is an extremely kind guy and has never done anything wrong to me.

He was my first boyfriend (at 20) (and thus first “everything”) but another issue is I am often thinking about other people and other prospective relationships/boyfriends. I know this isn’t right so about 2 months ago I decided we should break up.

Immediately after the break up I was so distraught and for the following week I barely ate and cried non-stop thinking I had rushed and made the wrong decision. I went back to him and said this, and we agreed to get back together.

Now things are back to the way they were; he seems content but I am often thinking about other things. We are supposed to be going on a 4 day trip interstate in about 2 weeks (which I bought as a gift and he is excited for) and I want to make sure I am not jerking him around.

Essentially my questions are:

Should I save him the trouble and cancel the trip? I am hesitant to go but should I give him the trip he deserves or stop wasting his time?

Should I interpret my heartache after the initial breakup to mean there is something there and I should be mature and try work things out? Or that breakups will always hurt and I need to rip off the bandaid and accept it? If so, how do I make this feeling less painful?

I am also worried that if there is no reason other than losing interest in the relationship, that what is to stop me from ‘getting bored’ in every relationship (grass is greener idea)?

[Wiseman2]

What has happened in the past 6-8 mos? new schools, jobs, schedules? 

Unfortunately it seems like you are coasting along complacently.

It doesn't seem like grass is greener or boredom, just fear of being alone.

Don't retract a gift. Make it through your promised weekend, but then consider not stringing him along further

[dramafreezone]

You're young.  You're accruing this relationship experience and hopefully learning how to have better relationships in the future.  It doesn't sound like anything other than a relationship between two young people running its course.  And you will get bored in relationships after this.  He gets complacent, stops doing the things that he used to do, it happens, until you meet that someone special.

Often the dumper suffers significantly even though they wanted the breakup.  That's not unusual.  But it's selfish to get back with him to allievate your guilt or pain.

I don't think going through with the weekend under the pretense that everything is fine is right.  I would cancel.  He's goinig to think everything is fine and then you'll reopen those wounds all over again after the trip.

Edited April 20, 2021 by dramafreezone

[d0nnivain]

There's rarely ever a good time to break up.  No matter when you do it, how gracious you try to be, it always sucks.  That is part of breaking up. 

You already know you don't want to be with him & this is not fulfilling to you anymore but you are scared of the unknown.  He was your 1st.  Change is scary.  Still it's necessary.  

As for the timing, that is up to you.  If you can get your money back on the trip or you can go away with a GF, break up before the trip.  No use trapping yourself with him for 4 days.  

If you are really unsure, go on the trip.  Throw everything you have into the relationship over those 4 days, trying to make it work.  See if you can get the spark back. When that doesn't work, end things when you get home.  Understand he will be blindsided by this -- you being all loving on the trip, then wham a break up.  Although there is the possibility that the trip will suck because all that togetherness will have you both on edge.  

[Alfano]

Stop wasting each other's time.

You already know you don't want to spend the rest of your natural life with him so why spend another week?

Probably would hurt even more if you dump him after a vacation.

This one's easy

 

[smackie9]

Why not figure out why you feel this way? What could he do to improve emotional connection? Is there a lack of shared interests? When you get into a routine, you tend to forget about romance and doing special things for each other, or surprise each other...try that before throwing in the towel.

[ShyViolet]

He is your first boyfriend... you've never even experienced dating or being with anyone else.  It's time for you to spread your wings and experience life.  It's unhealthy and extremely boring to only be with one person ever.

When I was 18 I entered into my first serious relationship, and we were together for about 3 years.  Towards the end of that relationship I started feeling exactly how you are describing.  He was a very "nice" guy, treated me great.  But I got extremely bored in the relationship and just felt like I was going to explode if I didn't get out and experience dating other people.  A guy being "nice" is not enough.  So I ended it, and yes it was very dramatic and difficult for me to end it because it was my first breakup.  But it absolutely needed to happen.  There is a whole world out there to experience, and you are way too young to settle down into a boring relationship and never experience what it's like to be with other people.

It's like growing up in a small town and never ever leaving, just staying there your whole life.  There is a whole world out there.  You need to experience it in order to be a well-rounded person.  What a waste of time to stay in a relationship you're not happy in, at such a young age.

Edited April 21, 2021 by ShyViolet