He wants space?

[poppyfields]

I'd like to add something I think is important.

During this time of distance, you shouid be detaching and considering if HE is the right man for you. 

I do this instinctively but for many women, it's fairly typical to sit around waiting for him to return. 

Do not do that, go live your life. Detach, disconnect.  

Do not be afraid to lose him.  If you push or cling to him, the chances are greater you will lose him anyway.  

Distance is not always a bad thing, sometimes it's necessary.

If it results in you losing the guy, you never had him to begin with. 

[introverted1]

 

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Is it a cyst? Is it something in his spine or under the skin? You're not giving much information on how serious the surgery will be. 

From what I've read, he's having surgery Saturday and also going home that day, which means out-patient surgery, which typically means nothing serious. 

OP, it's hard to know if he's using this as an excuse to get out of the r/s or if he is really that wigged out about his surgery.  I lean toward the former, but no one here, me included, can know for sure.

If you are inclined, send him a brief text Sunday to see how he is.  If he doesn't respond, you have your have your answer and should just move on.

 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

what I've read, he's having surgery Saturday and also going home that day, which means out-patient surgery, which typically means nothing serious. 

They may not even put him under sedation. I understand he may be nervous if he's never had a surgery before but this is nowhere being a major event. 

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, bittersweet79 said:

That will scare him away. I know you want to show you care, but doing nothing will bring him back. When he does come back, don't jump all over him with questions, be cool, calm, and collected. Your neediness is going to ruin this if you don't pace yourself. Other posters are saying he wanted to end it with this excuse and that may well be true, but right now, I just think he needs space and will eventually come around again, but don't make yourself so available. Don't immediately go back to how it was. Be cool and be busy. Make him work for your attention.

The problem with this, though, is that upon taking this advice we women tie ourselves into knots trying to act "cool" when we are anything BUT when a man is backing away and we know it in our guts.  I'm not saying to start chasing after the guy either.

The problem isn't her neediness, it's that the guy dated her for a month and now is using this lame excuse to ghost her, and she's trying to pick up the slack for him.

No amount of acting right ever brought a man around back to me who was lukewarm, not for real anyway.  The most I would get is a late night booty text like "miss u" or something equally lame when they determined I wasn't around anymore.

I was once dating a guy who not only used pink eye as an excuse (got it from his daughter yeah right) but then was getting flu-like symptoms so I like an IDIOT brought him Pho.  He broke up with me the following week over email.  Please don't start to over-function when he's clearly trying to get away from you.  Go SILENT.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, wendywings said:

So you think I shouldn't send a card, a text or anything in a few days time?

Let him reach out to you. He ask for space so stop clinging or suffocating him this much. He has friends and family he would rather talk to/be with right now.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

They may not even put him under sedation. I understand he may be nervous if he's never had a surgery before but this is nowhere being a major event. 

What he has is irrelevant. He asked for space and that needs to be respected. He has rights to privacy and she doesn't need to post his medical history here.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What he has is irrelevant. He asked for space and that needs to be respected. He has rights to privacy and she doesn't need to post his medical history here.

I feel it is relevant. I did not ask for details, simply be more specific on the severity of the surgery. If the guy needed a surgery that had him in bed for the next month I wouldn't see this as getting rid of her but as needing privacy while he'll be in bed with people washing his private parts. 

[Snow_Queen]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Nah, not an age thing, it's an experience thing. When it crawls like a snake, whistles like a snake, chances are it's a snake. Sure there is the occasional exceptions but if you go with the *most likely* answer you'll be less dissapointed. 

Where is the tumor? 

You are concentrating on the tumor and the up coming surgery. The fact is he asked for space because you dated too much too fast and it's making him feel overwhelmed, that is his primary reason, not the surgery. The surgery happens to be scheduled this week that's why he threw that in but had there been no surgery he still would have asked for space. 

 

I agree with this 100%. This is probably his way of ending things without being seen as the bad guy. If he changes his mind, he can come back without repercussions. This is something I experienced time and time again when I was single. It was almost a guarantee when the guy moved fast in the beginning, like in this case.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

The problem with this, though, is that upon taking this advice we women tie ourselves into knots trying to act "cool" when we are anything BUT when a man is backing away and we know it in our guts.  I'm not saying to start chasing after the guy either.

Go SILENT.

Yeah we know it in our guts, but it's all about managing our emotions and knowing instinctively that the only way the relationship has a snowball's chance in hell of working out is leaving him alone.

Mind over matter.

There was another thread last week about a woman experiencing the same thing or similar and she stated she couldn't help herself, so she kept texting and texting no doubt pushing him further and further away.

I don't believe she "couldn't help herself," we are adults, we can help ourselves, by learning to manage emotions and also learning to RESPECT when your boyfriend requests lone time or space or whatever the hell anyone wants to call it, give it to him.

It's not all about you.

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[Allupinnit]

Knowing what I know now, there's no way I'd stick around for a guy who needed "space."  

"Space" always has been and always will be the coward's way of dumping (aside from a straight up ghost).  They're not sure they want you gone yet, so they drop the "space" line so you'll still be there waiting at their beck and call when they decide they've had enough time away from you.  And if you give in too fast when they DO decide to grace you with their presence, well that's a turnoff too, so you can't win this game.  

 All the while you're on pins and needles wondering what they're thinking, if you should reach out or not to remind them of your presence, if this is the beginning of the end... it tips the scales VERY unfairly to the dumper.  

Ripping off the band-aid would be the sympathetic way out, but nobody wants to feel like a jerk so they make up an excuse about an illness because you can't possibly argue with THAT, else you'd be a jerk, too.

Ask me how I know all of this.

Girl you don't wait for NO MAN.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Ripping off the band-aid would be the sympathetic way out, but nobody wants to feel like a jerk so they make up an excuse about an illness because you can't possibly argue with THAT, else you'd be a jerk, too.

Agree. Unfortunately "space" is the same as "break", "confused", "stressed", "busy",  etc.

[poppyfields]

Well I am a woman and I sometimes need space as well.  More often than most women I know and even some men.  And I certainly was NOT feeling lukewarm or considering dumping, lord no, far from!

I am an introvert and lone time is extremely important to me, in fact there were entire weekends when I didn't wish to see my boyfriend and I was deeply in love with him (speaking of my previous ex not the man I recently broke up with).

He didn't throw fits or cause drama, he understood because HE sometimes needed space as well and like me he had faith and trust in our connection and love for each other.  He didn't take it personally nor did I when he needed his space.

God I wish these misconceptions would stop, people are different, we all have different needs, it's not always so black and white.

There are no "shoulds" or a right way to behave when in love and in a relationship with your partner.

The important thing is that you understand each other, and your needs surrounding space and togetherness and hope they match and if not, strive for a compromise.

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

30 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

God I wish these misconceptions would stop, people are different, we all have different needs, it's not always so black and white.

I feel there is a difference between space after 1 month dating and space in an established relationship. 

This man told her he needed space but with no indication of how long he needs that space. That's a breakup.

In an established relationship when one says he/she needs a weekend by him/herself it's different. There is a time frame given to that space. 

[poppyfields]

35 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I feel there is a difference between space after 1 month dating and space in an established relationship. 

This man told her he needed space but with no indication of how long he needs that space. That's a breakup.

In an established relationship when one says he/she needs a weekend by him/herself it's different. There is a time frame given to that space. 

Gaeta, I was speaking generally in response to others (Allupinnit) who also spoke generally asserting "Space" always has been and always will be the coward's way of dumping (aside from a straight up ghost).  Among other generalizations which simply aren't true.

W/r/t the OP's situation, after only a month it's hard to say if he moves extremely slow or an introvert or not interested.  He could be the type of man who is interested but prefers to take his time and if OP is pushing too hard, texting, calling, wanting to spend time not giving him the space to step up to the plate, he is going to recoil and push back.

It's too ambiguous to call it imo.  And it's possible if SHE played her hand differently, HE would be acting differently, wanting to spend more time etc.

I dunno, I just don't like all the negative generalizations about men and space or any other behaviours that some women believe men "should" be doing when interested.  Romance is nuanced, there are so many variables, not always so black and white.

Edited April 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[BC1980]

2 hours ago, Snow_Queen said:

I agree with this 100%. This is probably his way of ending things without being seen as the bad guy. If he changes his mind, he can come back without repercussions. This is something I experienced time and time again when I was single. It was almost a guarantee when the guy moved fast in the beginning, like in this case.

I agree. He's using the surgery as an excuse because it's hard to straight up tell someone you're just not into it anymore. It's really uncomfortable to do that. When someone asks for space, they are trying to do the slow fade and let the person down gently. 
 

You're exactly right about people leaving the door open just a tiny bit, so they can come back with no repercussions. This scenario is common. People start seeing each other and change their minds a few months in.