He wants space?

[wendywings]

hi yal'll

I've been dating this guy for a month now and all been great but yesterday morning he said things need to slow down a tad as he says it's all a bit much as last week he told me he has a non-dangerous tumour but is getting it removed this Saturday (today is Tuesday). Last night he told me he nearly wanted to end things just because he'll need a breather and some space while he prepares and then recovers from surgery and that he wasn't sure if he'd get it from me just because of how fast we've been going (lots of dates lol).

I should have asked him there and then what he meant by space/how long but now feel it's too late as I wasn't sure if I should message him in fear of breaking his 'space'. I'd like to wish him luck the eve before his surgery but not sure if that's a good idea? I also landed a new job today, and I know he'd like to hear that news but again don't want to ruin any chances or go against his wishes.

Did speak to a guy friend (she ended it with my friend) and he said "I went through something similar, and after a week of space I reached out and we are together. Things don't feel fast, but just the right speed. Things feel like they used to before things got overwhelming with the lack if space. Sometimes people need to breathe."

Any advice on what I should do?

Edited April 20, 2021 by wendywings

[d0nnivain]

It's been a month & he has huge medical issues.  Part of doesn't want to be a burden to the new GF. 

Give him at least 48 hours.  Then you can share your good news.  I'd send a message along the lines of "wanted to share some good news:  I got a job.  Any chance you are free Saturday so I can take you out to celebrate?"   Do give at least 48 hours notice for the date / time to celebrate.  

You may not hear from him & if so just give up.  

On that date, ask him if he thinks you two can still see each other once per week or what he may need post-operatively. Offer to grocery shop or do his laundry for him, very practical stuff.  

[Fletch Lives]

People can behave oddly when sick. I guess you'll just have to wait and see if you stay together.

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, wendywings said:

I've been dating this guy for a month now and all been great but yesterday morning he said things need to slow down a tad as he says it's all a bit much as last week he told me he has a non-dangerous tumour but is getting it removed this Saturday (today is Tuesday). Last night he told me he nearly wanted to end things just because he'll need a breather and some space while he prepares and then recovers from surgery and that he wasn't sure if he'd get it from me just because of how fast we've been going (lots of dates lol).

It's over. The surgery is an excuse. 

It's a typical case of too much too fast and he's having an indigestion. 

He already knows the tumor is not cancerous so what he'll have is a routine removal, unless the tumor is near his brain? and he'll need weeks or recovery?

I would not reach to him, at all. When someone ask for space you dissapear. 

[Lisa_Lisa]

I just had this happen to me as well. Over the course of a month, my guy and I saw each other frequently and texted in between. He even told me I can text him to hang out as well, and when I did just that, he was suddenly busy. And then he asked if we can be "just friends." I reacted and said no, but 3 hours later I retracted and said we can be friendly to each other in the most platonic and virtual sense. Two days later he thanks me for that and said he would like to see me in the future. And then he randomly texts me to hang out to which I say I'm not in the city (because I wasn't).

My advice is to pretend he doesn't exist UNTIL he texts you first and then you can share your news about your job and ask him about his surgery. Don't offer yourself to hang out, talk, phone, text; NOTHING. If he said he wants to cool down, cool down. Do anything to keep yourself busy. I'm currently doing just that by exercising, visiting friends, organizing my home and making myself a priority. I understand your reasoning for wanting to reach out and show you care, but honestly men come to you when you don't seem to care about them all that much. It's in our nature to be nurturers and communicate and ask about things, but in this case, you have to be a shadow and care about you.

Once he sees you're not texting him or looking for him, he will ask to see you, and if YOU'RE not busy, you'll see him. 

[wendywings]

26 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It's been a month & he has huge medical issues.  Part of doesn't want to be a burden to the new GF. 

Give him at least 48 hours.  Then you can share your good news.  I'd send a message along the lines of "wanted to share some good news:  I got a job.  Any chance you are free Saturday so I can take you out to celebrate?"   Do give at least 48 hours notice for the date / time to celebrate.  

You may not hear from him & if so just give up.  

On that date, ask him if he thinks you two can still see each other once per week or what he may need post-operatively. Offer to grocery shop or do his laundry for him, very practical stuff.  

This sounds good about what to text him, I think I'll do something like that. Although asking about Saturday may be too soon just as he would have come out of hospital that day, and know he asked for some space to recover as well.

Am worried he nearly wanted to end things, do you think he said that to see how I would respond/not give him space?

[d0nnivain]

Then scrap what I said.  Instead send him a get well card.  Don't put any additional pressure on him but do offer to go grocery shopping or do his laundry in the card.  See if he contacts you.  

[wendywings]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's over. The surgery is an excuse. 

It's a typical case of too much too fast and he's having an indigestion. 

He already knows the tumor is not cancerous so what he'll have is a routine removal, unless the tumor is near his brain? and he'll need weeks or recovery?

I would not reach to him, at all. When someone ask for space you dissapear. 

I feel like this is a negative view on it all.

I know a few people where their partner has asked for space or ended things, and then my friends would reach out after some space and they would work on and get back together. Maybe it's an age thing

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, wendywings said:

he said things need to slow down a tad as he says it's all a bit much

Give him space. It's too much too soon. He's tiptoeing out of this dating situation.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, wendywings said:

I feel like this is a negative view on it all.

I know a few people where their partner has asked for space or ended things, and then my friends would reach out after some space and they would work on and get back together. Maybe it's an age thing

Nah, not an age thing, it's an experience thing. When it crawls like a snake, whistles like a snake, chances are it's a snake. Sure there is the occasional exceptions but if you go with the *most likely* answer you'll be less dissapointed. 

Where is the tumor? 

You are concentrating on the tumor and the up coming surgery. The fact is he asked for space because you dated too much too fast and it's making him feel overwhelmed, that is his primary reason, not the surgery. The surgery happens to be scheduled this week that's why he threw that in but had there been no surgery he still would have asked for space. 

 

[cleverusername]

Let the man set the pace, societal conventions say the man should take the lead so when the woman starts to upset the balance, most men will panic and feel like they are losing control.

 

[wendywings]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Nah, not an age thing, it's an experience thing. When it crawls like a snake, whistles like a snake, chances are it's a snake. Sure there is the occasional exceptions but if you go with the *most likely* answer you'll be less dissapointed. 

Where is the tumor? 

You are concentrating on the tumor and the up coming surgery. The fact is he asked for space because you dated too much too fast and it's making him feel overwhelmed, that is his primary reason, not the surgery. The surgery happens to be scheduled this week that's why he threw that in but had there been no surgery he still would have asked for space. 

 

Lol sorry I didn't make it clear. When he said about feeling overwhelmed, he said it was about the surgery as he's very nervous about it and the thought of being operated on is affecting him. He said he needed just to try and calm himself down and prepare and didn't want me seeing him in any state like it, he already said he'd be in an off mood leading up to it. He did say that we needed to slow down and he didn't want to worry about 'us' while he's occupied with his surgery.

The tumor is in his back.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, wendywings said:

He did say that we needed to slow down and he didn't want to worry about 'us'

It seems like the minor surgery is simply an exit ramp for a situation he finds too suffocating.

[d0nnivain]

There is an element of suffocation in here so you do need to back off.  No man wants his new GF to see him weak & sickly.  Leave him his dignity.  

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, wendywings said:

The tumor is in his back.

Is it a cyst? Is it something in his spine or under the skin? You're not giving much information on how serious the surgery will be. 

[wendywings]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like the minor surgery is simply an exit ramp for a situation he finds too suffocating.

But then why say to me that he nearly wanted to end things with me but then just asked for a small bit of space? To me that seems like he likes me enough to not end things, but just needed some space.

[wendywings]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Is it a cyst? Is it something in his spine or under the skin? You're not giving much information on how serious the surgery will be. 

He really didn't like talking about it but it's a surgery that is concerning him, but a tumor that isn't cancerous. He did say he didn't want to worry me about his surgery.

[wendywings]

36 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

There is an element of suffocation in here so you do need to back off.  No man wants his new GF to see him weak & sickly.  Leave him his dignity.  

So you think I shouldn't send a card, a text or anything in a few days time?

[Gaeta]

Just now, wendywings said:

But then why say to me that he nearly wanted to end things with me but then just asked for a small bit of space? To me that seems like he likes me enough to not end things, but just needed some space.

To me it means the relationship was not significant enough at this point so he considered ending it. Then he thought about keeping space and see where it goes. I know you will think I am negative (we need one of those in each forum :-)) but his request of space does not come out of liking you enough to keep it, but out of not liking you enough and considering ending it. Someone liking you enough would not even think of ending the relationship. 

[smackie9]

IMO when they push away, you don't come begging. Know your self worth. Don't contact him or give him a card, no text, or a thumbs up. If he truly is into you, he will contact you soon when he's finished up with his recovery. If he doesn't it's a wash. He was lying to you and wanted an easy departure.

Edited April 20, 2021 by smackie9

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Give him at least 48 hours.  Then you can share your good news.  I'd send a message along the lines of "wanted to share some good news:  I got a job.  Any chance you are free Saturday so I can take you out to celebrate?"   Do give at least 48 hours notice for the date / time to celebrate.  

You may not hear from him & if so just give up.  

On that date, ask him if he thinks you two can still see each other once per week or what he may need post-operatively. Offer to grocery shop or do his laundry for him, very practical stuff.  

I disagree. He asked for space, that is your cue to leave him alone and give him space. 

No texts about your good news or about his surgery. 

Nothing, nada.  Leave him alone.  Do not push this, he won't appreciate it.

If/when he returns, dial things back, start again, more slowly, less intense. 

Edited April 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, wendywings said:

So you think I shouldn't send a card, a text or anything in a few days time?

Do nothing.  Leave him be.

Go live your life, spend time with family, friends, whatever, if/when he wants to talk, he knows where to find you.

I say this from experience, when a man feels overwhelmed (and it isnt his surgery, that's an excuse), he will not appreciate your efforts, it will annoy the hell out of him.

Stop pushing. I know you want to stay connected, but he doesn't so learn to detach. 

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[thewoomensay]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's over. The surgery is an excuse.

I agree. Had he liked you, he would have wanted you to support him through this. 

Also, be glad he is out of your life. If someone  has to invent a disease to get out of seeing you, there is more to his deviance than he is showing you.

Move on. 

[thewoomensay]

1 hour ago, wendywings said:

So you think I shouldn't send a card, a text or anything in a few days time?

You have not dated enough for this to be needed. Don't send anything. Save your money and invest it in bitcoin. 

[Lisa_Lisa]

1 hour ago, wendywings said:

So you think I shouldn't send a card, a text or anything in a few days time?

That will scare him away. I know you want to show you care, but doing nothing will bring him back. When he does come back, don't jump all over him with questions, be cool, calm, and collected. Your neediness is going to ruin this if you don't pace yourself. Other posters are saying he wanted to end it with this excuse and that may well be true, but right now, I just think he needs space and will eventually come around again, but don't make yourself so available. Don't immediately go back to how it was. Be cool and be busy. Make him work for your attention.