The Road Less Traveled

[Uruktopi]

Since about a month ago, I´m dating a quite special woman.  We seem to be very compatible and we are both enjoying what we have.

Even so, we both have some fears about, because experiences in our pasts, the bad ones but (paradoxically) also and mainly cos the ended but better recent ones.

Is like we don´t know if such past loves (the previous for each one) put the bar so high that we may not do it, not wanting to settle for less than.

In both cases, both the loves of our lifes passed away some years ago.

And this is, for both, the first dating experience since then.

There are other things in our basquets that may need some work if this developes in the long term.

No trivial problems but neither as important as our (let´s say) cautious attitudes.

One of them is our age gap: I am 70 years old while she is only 51. Something that worries only me, I shoud say.

Of course, we are "taking it slowly", enjoying each step.

But there are still ghosts hanging around.

By the way, I´m not asking for pragmatic advise (which I will thank if it comes, anyhow) but I want your impressions, questions (if you have them) and views about.

Thank you all in advance.

 

 

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by Uruktopi

[spiderowl]

It is great that you have met each other after having experienced sadness in the past.  However, I think it is not easy to make a relationship work where there is almost a 20-year age gap.

Have either of you expressed reservations?  If so, who and what were the doubts?  Which of you is talking about not being able to settle for less than in the past?  I appreciate you will both have a past and that one or both of you may find you are not suited long term.  

My feeling is that the age gap is too much.  The relationship may still work but it is a significant gap.  Even a 10-year gap is a lot.  

Although it is exciting to have met someone new, I would advise you not to get too attached at this stage.  

[Uruktopi]

23 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

It is great that you have met each other after having experienced sadness in the past.  However, I think it is not easy to make a relationship work where there is almost a 20-year age gap.

Have either of you expressed reservations?  If so, who and what were the doubts?  Which of you is talking about not being able to settle for less than in the past?  I appreciate you will both have a past and that one or both of you may find you are not suited long term.  

My feeling is that the age gap is too much.  The relationship may still work but it is a significant gap.  Even a 10-year gap is a lot.  

Although it is exciting to have met someone new, I would advise you not to get too attached at this stage.  

Thanks a lot for answering!

"However, I think it is not easy to make a relationship work where there is almost a 20-year age gap."

"My feeling is that the age gap is too much.  The relationship may still work but it is a significant gap.  Even a 10-year gap is a lot.  "

Agree with you about the above. And it is one of my more serious worries. I´ve never dated before nor had a relationship with such a age gap. She is not worried at all about, anyhow.

"Have either of you expressed reservations?" Yes, both.

"Which of you is talking about not being able to settle for less than in the past?"

We both had and somehow have same fear. But it evolved differently for each one along this short time. 

By now, while she fears if she would be able to "compete" with the memory of woman I once  loved, my own reserve is if I am ready to be emotionally available (my loss is much recent than hers).  

And the last thing I would want is to hurt her.

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by Uruktopi

[glows]

Do you mind me asking how recent was your loss? I think you have some valid concerns on the age gap but remember to live in the moment.

People unfold and show you their true selves over time. If someone compatible to you happens to come your way and you are both available, well, healthy, open to the opportunity and willing to respect each other and be kind to one another I think everything else is besides the point. 

Both of you may be spending a little too much time together and all these anxious thoughts are coming through, confusing things. Are you spending every day together?

[Uruktopi]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

Do you mind me asking how recent was your loss? I think you have some valid concerns on the age gap but remember to live in the moment.

People unfold and show you their true selves over time. If someone compatible to you happens to come your way and you are both available, well, healthy, open to the opportunity and willing to respect each other and be kind to one another I think everything else is besides the point. 

Both of you may be spending a little too much time together and all these anxious thoughts are coming through, confusing things. Are you spending every day together?

 

Thank you very much for your answer and time.

"Do you mind me asking how recent was your loss?"

We ended the relationship four years ago, so we were not together when she later passed away 11 months ago. The new almost killed me and it´s not a figure of speech.

" If someone compatible to you happens to come your way and you are both available, well, healthy, open to the opportunity and willing to respect each other and be kind to one another I think everything else is besides the point. "

Cos our professional activities we knew each other from earlier, so we are not complete strangers. Compatibilities are strong and seem to grow over time.

"Both of you may be spending a little too much time together and all these anxious thoughts are coming through, confusing things. Are you spending every day together?"

No. 

We both have demanding jobs. There are also covid related restrictions during night ours. And her younger daughter, a teen, is still living with her.

We meet about two / three days a week. And we talk by phone / whatsup  various times each day.

 

 

 

  

[glows]

Maybe you haven't quite processed your late partner's sudden passing. Just because you've found someone new, you do not have to feel guilty for being happy. That relationship ended. Take time to say your goodbyes and don't feel rushed and feel guilty about living your life.

If she's anxious about living up to your ex, be patient with her, and vice versa. In the end, if the woman you're seeing can't accept your past, let her go. Both of you deserve to be happy.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Being widowed is a lot different from being divorced. You can move forward and date.

However, your respective late spouses will still have some significance as far as kids extended family etc.

Try to embrace the situation and honor your respective situations. 

 

[Gaeta]

In my opinion it's not possible to find again what we had once but often we find something as good (even better) but in a different dynamic. We can love someone again without taking away the good we had with someone else in the past. How is this relationship making you feel is the right question to ask yourself. 

A therapist explained to me a good relationship is composed of 2 people that input each 50% in the relationship, so if you have a happy fulfilling relationship you are 50% responsible of it. When the relationship ends you leave with your 50% and search that other person that holds that other 50% to make the relationship whole. Then she asked me: Do you think your ex is the only man in the world holding that other 50%? It resonnated with me, I hope it will with you too. 

Concerning the age at 50+ we're mature enough to decide for the age difference. If you are both ok with it I see no problem. I have an aunt who's been 25 years now with a man 27 years younger. 

Edited April 20, 2021 by Gaeta

[chillii]

Yeah you said first post you were the one concerned about age gap , me l don't really know about that , it's up to the 2 individuals involved . l'm 50s and get mainly women in their 30s interested in me , 40s absolute max , no idea why that is it's very weird but so roughly the same gap and upwards a bit. But anyway my partner is closer my age but really she's been the only one my ex w was 11 yrs younger, never ever an issue , matter of fact she was the one always sick. Friends use to say back when though well what's wrong with that , go out with them who cares but l dunno , l preferred someone at least a bit closer my age myself but eh that's me.

As far as pasts and things you've talked about , maybe you guys could just take it nice and slow for a few more mths or however long you need to first of all and just let feelings and pasts find their new normal type of thing and get use to the idea. lf it kept growing things like that will probably just find their place , they did for me and my partner. times a magical thing. Good luck with everything anyway.

 

 

 

 

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

In my opinion it's not possible to find again what we had once but often we find something as good (even better) but in a different dynamic. We can love someone again without taking away the good we had with someone else in the past. How is this relationship making you feel is the right question to ask yourself. 

A therapist explained to me a good relationship is composed of 2 people that input each 50% in the relationship, so if you have a happy fulfilling relationship you are 50% responsible of it. When the relationship ends you leave with your 50% and search that other person that holds that other 50% to make the relationship whole. Then she asked me: Do you think your ex is the only man in the world holding that other 50%? It resonnated with me, I hope it will with you too. 

Concerning the age at 50+ we're mature enough to decide for the age difference. If you are both ok with it I see no problem. I have an aunt who's been 25 years now with a man 27 years younger. 

I heartfully thank you for your answer.

"In my opinion it's not possible to find again what we had once but often we find something as good (even better) but in a different dynamic. We can love someone again without taking away the good we had with someone else in the past."  True

"How is this relationship making you feel is the right question to ask yourself. "  Right but, based in my personal experience, feeling (while necessary) is rarely enough.

"Then she asked me: Do you think your ex is the only man in the world....?" We may feel this, and it´s good to feel that way, while we are in a loving relationship with only a certain loved one.   It may happen again with a new one, hopefully. But... I don´t find it so easy for just my case.

"A therapist explained to me a good relationship is composed of 2 people that input each 50% in the relationship, so if you have a happy fulfilling relationship you are 50% responsible of it. When the relationship ends you leave with your 50% and search that other person that holds that other 50% to make the relationship whole. It resonnated with me, I hope it will with you too. "

Good advise from your therapist if it worked for you. The focus on each individual, which is the psychologists professional overall worldview / tool (and a right one for a lot of issues) don´t resonates with me when is about relationships, anyhow.

 "Concerning the age at 50+ we're mature enough to decide for the age difference." You are certainly right about.

"If you are both ok with it I see no problem"  She even like it to be this way. I´m thinking in long term "compatibilities"...

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

I´m thinking in long term "compatibilities"...

What are your worries concerning long term compatibilities?

[Uruktopi]

55 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What are your worries concerning long term compatibilities?

We have a rare to find compatibility in most of what is important to both (values, life priorities, what we want in a relationship, social justice, art and cultural tastes and more).

All this also includes some things that (at least partially) are physically based.  (we both run, do camping and outodoors, love to dance, I practice martial arts since very young).

And... we both have strong, sustained (and compatible) sex drives.

That... may decline (a bit) with age and will happen earlier to me than to her. Let´s say that in 10 years she will be in a flourishing age for a passionate woman. I can only hope to still be a "supporting" partner about. 

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Gaeta]

35 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

That... may decline (a bit) with age and will happen earlier to me than to her. Let´s say that in 10 years she will be in a flourishing age for a passionate woman. I can only hope to still be a "supporting" partner about. 

I was highly sexual untill I hit perimenopause at 53. I'm 55 now and I know it's not going to come back the way it was. She will decline as well don't worry.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you are taking the slow and cautious approach, which is probably the right approach for both you and her. So IMO that increases your chances of success in an LTR and is thus a positive thing.

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I was highly sexual untill I hit perimenopause at 53. I'm 55 now and I know it's not going to come back the way it was. She will decline as well don't worry.

" I'm 55 now and I know it's not going to come back the way it was" 

Well...it may happen or not. But......for some women and given certain life events and interactions, it may come roaring back to stay in your sixties (for almost everyone surprise).

(Interactions are strong causal factors, far over self individualities)

Saying about women and as a man, I know what I´m talking about.

Edited April 20, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

Well...it may happen or not. But......for some women and given certain life events and interactions, it may come roaring back to stay in your sixties (for almost everyone surprise).

That would be a nice surprise. I may feel the way I do because I am healing a broken heart. 

[Uruktopi]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That would be a nice surprise. I may feel the way I do because I am healing a broken heart. 

I´ve been there.

Best wishes for you from my heart.

[Alpacalia]

19 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

One of them is our age gap: I am 70 years old while she is only 51. Something that worries only me, I shoud say.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your respective partners.

My aunt met her husband in her early fifties, and he was also around your age and had a prior spouse that passed away. My aunt did not have any adult children from a previous marriage, although he did.

They had a wonderful relationship, and even though he died some years later, she never remarried. He was her life's love.

I don't have much advice, but I thought I'd share it with you.

[Uruktopi]

34 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I'm sorry to hear about your respective partners.

My aunt met her husband in her early fifties, and he was also around your age and had a prior spouse that passed away. My aunt did not have any adult children from a previous marriage, although he did.

They had a wonderful relationship, and even though he died some years later, she never remarried. He was her life's love.

I don't have much advice, but I thought I'd share it with you.

Thank you so much!

 

[FMW]

I'm divorced and involved with a widower.  I'm 56, he's 57.  We met only 9 months after his wife died.  For the first 6 months we hung out together, spent a few evenings a week together, but weren't sexual.  We were both drawn to be together, but we took things very slowly and established a solid bond and friendship.  After that 6 months it became more than just casual and we were no longer just platonic friends.  

It's been 21 months since we first met and he's progressed a long way in his grief and navigating his loss.  I don't share his experience of loss, but I've always tried to be accepting of whatever stage he was at.  It's not always been easy, but beyond a few twinges early on I don't view his late wife or their relationship as competition.  He had his life before we met, I had mine.  We aren't children, we've both loved before.  What we have together is special in it's own way and not something either of us have had before or will again.  Each relationship is unique and we can certainly have more than one love in our lifetimes.  

As for the age gap, I agree with @Gaeta.  Once we get over 50 we are quite aware of what age brings.  I certainly wouldn't let it stop me from exploring something that is bringing you both happiness right now.  Part of aging is also knowing that sometimes we have to take chances to see what is possible.   

Don't stress too much on trying to figure it out right now, it's only been a month.  As long as you both are ok with taking your time and not needing to put labels or deadlines on anything, enjoy the here and now.  Just make sure you're both on the same page with things.  Be honest with her about where you are in processing your grief, and she'll choose whether or not she wants to stick around and see where things go.  

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

I'm divorced and involved with a widower.  I'm 56, he's 57.  We met only 9 months after his wife died.  For the first 6 months we hung out together, spent a few evenings a week together, but weren't sexual.  We were both drawn to be together, but we took things very slowly and established a solid bond and friendship.  After that 6 months it became more than just casual and we were no longer just platonic friends.  

It's been 21 months since we first met and he's progressed a long way in his grief and navigating his loss.  I don't share his experience of loss, but I've always tried to be accepting of whatever stage he was at.  It's not always been easy, but beyond a few twinges early on I don't view his late wife or their relationship as competition.  He had his life before we met, I had mine.  We aren't children, we've both loved before.  What we have together is special in it's own way and not something either of us have had before or will again.  Each relationship is unique and we can certainly have more than one love in our lifetimes.  

As for the age gap, I agree with @Gaeta.  Once we get over 50 we are quite aware of what age brings.  I certainly wouldn't let it stop me from exploring something that is bringing you both happiness right now.  Part of aging is also knowing that sometimes we have to take chances to see what is possible.   

Don't stress too much on trying to figure it out right now, it's only been a month.  As long as you both are ok with taking your time and not needing to put labels or deadlines on anything, enjoy the here and now.  Just make sure you're both on the same page with things.  Be honest with her about where you are in processing your grief, and she'll choose whether or not she wants to stick around and see where things go.  

Thank you a lot.

May be I should briefly detail some things about what happens. Don´t know if they are relevant but may clarify things a bit.

- We began dating five weeks ago. But we knew each other for some years. Mostly cos of our professions, so nothing too personal, but enough to have a first apporoach to our personalities.

-  We both lost our loved ones. Some years ago in her case, more recently in mine.

- Those lost loves were not our firsts, but later strong relationships. A nine years one in her case, a five years one in mine. Deep and intense for both.

- There is an alive father of her kids. There is also an alive mother of my now adult daughters, living in Europe since decades ago. No one of them is a factor in what we began.

I´m open to answer almost whatever all of you may find more relevant.

Thanks again.

 

[Uruktopi]

Sorry to say that things went wrong since few days ago.

I´m still trying to make sense of my emotions about.

I will soon update you all.

Thank you, my friends.

 

Edited April 28, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Uruktopi]

Thank you FMW