I am #2

[John Wolowitz]

Hi everyone. Recently broke up with girlfriend, but we are still in a good relationship. Usually hang together, kiss and have sex every week. Now she is getting closer with dude, who was her boyfriend before me. That is uncomfortable to me, 'cause she is still very special to me. So I told her that I'd rather won't be with her at all then be #2. Am I right or am I jerk?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, John Wolowitz said:

Hi everyone. Recently broke up with girlfriend, but we are still in a good relationship. Usually hang together, kiss and have sex every week. Now she is getting closer with dude, who was her boyfriend before me. 

It's up to you if you want to be part of this FWB triangle. Why not just end it cleanly and start dating other women?

[glows]

Can you explain a bit more what "getting closer with dude who was her boyfriend before me" means? Do they have kids together, for example? Any unfinished issues that you know about or coparenting happening? 

This doesn't sound good on the outset. I'd proceed with caution and be prepared to end communications and stop seeing her if what she's doing doesn't work for you.

[John Wolowitz]

Well, the have sex again, and taking in consideration how close they were (even during our relationship) it is not just sex. They don't have kids or any further plans but they have been dating for a very long period.

Edited April 20, 2021 by John Wolowitz

[glows]

3 minutes ago, John Wolowitz said:

Well, the have sex again, and taking in consideration how close they were (even during our relationship) it is not just sex. They don't have kids or any further plans but they have been dating for a very long period.

I think you need to move on. Stop hanging around her and waiting for her to make up her mind or treat you like a priority. You're not. Go by the actions of someone and what they're showing to you, proving to you what they are. 

You seem stuck and hurt. The first step out of all of this is to cease being available to her and stop responding to any of her calls or texts. She doesn't own you. Go live your life and be with someone who appreciates you better.

[John Wolowitz]

Well, the situation is a little bit more complex. She was my first girlfriend (as like as that dude was first mate for her). And she means a lot to me. She isn't a random girl that I met a year ago and start dating, we are a good friends. So I can't just stop communicating, because that means loosing a part of my life. We actually were in an open relationship and it was ok while I knew it was sex and nothing more. But that situation is different. A week ago when I assumed that I probably not #1 anymore I've made an attempt to hold some distance, lower the emotional  interaction. She noticed that and we had a talk. I told her that I don't want to be a #2, she was very upset. The next day I told her that I'll try to stay with her even if I won't be #1. I really don't want to loose her. I am thinking is there too much competition inside me and it doesn't allow me to be happy with the girl I love?

Edited April 20, 2021 by John Wolowitz

[Wiseman2]

It's unclear why you are settling for this. Because it's easy sex? 

You're part of a triangle. She's #1 and you and this other guy are both #2.

Get your self respect together and dump her so you can have a GF of your own, not this timeshare situation.

[Miss Peach]

I know it's not easy but I would go no contact for at least a few months so you both and end things cleanly and get over each other. You could always try to be real friends later but it's not going to happen if you hang in there like this.

 

If you have a good relationship why did you break up only to do the same things as in a relationship?

[John Wolowitz]

We broke up because we had difficulties with responsibility. After that we felt a huge relief, and possibly become a little bit closer. At least communication became easier.

Edited April 22, 2021 by John Wolowitz

[Lotsgoingon]

You didn't break up. Disaster.  This is what happens when we try to bend the rules of relationship physics. You get hurt.

Sleeping with her--spectacularly dangerous, guaranteed for someone to end up rejected. And in this case it's you.

She has the right to see another guy. You know that, right?!

Edited April 22, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[mark clemson]

When you break up you break up. While "still being friends" is nice in theory, hanging around to watch the other person start moving on from you is a fool's game. It takes a LOT of emotional maturity to just tread water in a situation like that, I think many if not most will feel hurt at some level unless they are really and fully "done" with the relationship aspect.

Consider not remaining friends for your own emotional well being. At best it's a distraction/minor emotional hurt/annoyance. At worst it can potentially make you insecure, which new women will pick up on and which may make it harder for you to find your next GF.

Many people also have plenty of "friends" they are still "friends" with but essentially never see. She could become one of those. I think you are reasonably likely to become one of those to her in the near future if the new/old BF gets his way.

Overall, there's probably not much point in you still thinking of her (in any capacity) while she starts banging him.

[glows]

On 4/19/2021 at 11:54 PM, John Wolowitz said:

Well, the situation is a little bit more complex. She was my first girlfriend (as like as that dude was first mate for her). And she means a lot to me. She isn't a random girl that I met a year ago and start dating, we are a good friends. So I can't just stop communicating, because that means loosing a part of my life. We actually were in an open relationship and it was ok while I knew it was sex and nothing more. But that situation is different. A week ago when I assumed that I probably not #1 anymore I've made an attempt to hold some distance, lower the emotional  interaction. She noticed that and we had a talk. I told her that I don't want to be a #2, she was very upset. The next day I told her that I'll try to stay with her even if I won't be #1. I really don't want to loose her. I am thinking is there too much competition inside me and it doesn't allow me to be happy with the girl I love?

Maybe open relationships aren't for you. That's a reality you might have to think about or figure out.

Somewhere along the way you thought it might be a good idea to try. If you still get the girl, even if part-time or in hierarchy, something is better than nothing.

The problem with this is.. it's not really an open relationship? What it sounds more to me is that you want all of her but are too afraid to lose her or think of a world without this person so you are agreeing to terms you're not comfortable with. 

You don't have to be something you're not. And you shouldn't have to feel like you have to bend yourself into a pretzel just to keep someone in your life. I think the cost is too high: loss of trust in one's self and loss of self-worth. That's a very high price to pay for something when what you're looking for is actually something else.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, John Wolowitz said:

We broke up because we had difficulties with responsibility. 

That's good. However sooner or later she'll get tired of this FWB thing and want a real  BF.

When that happens be prepared to get dropped like a hot rock.

This is a bandaid situation. Eventually you'll have to find a way to get sex without being FWB with an ex.

[Fletch Lives]

She's playing you, cheating with another guy. When are you going to wake up, get mad at her and drop her? It's time to move on with your life and find a new girl who loves you and has integrity.