I think I'm still bitter. How to get the hell over it?

[Negotaurus]

*Includes descriptions of physical abuse*

Hi, thanks for being here! Kind of long, kind of a vent, I am sure that there are people here who can relate one way or another. Please feel free to comment anything. 

I was in a relationship with somebody who did nothing but lie and cheat. I had no idea. 99% of the things that came out of his mouth were a lie, he came up with idiotic stories, went on and on about how loyal he was, how he could never cheat, how he was cheated on by his ex and was so hurt. Yet the entire time he was cheating on me with a very, sorry, trashy woman, over Instagram. I am not putting direct blame on the woman, she didn't even know I existed, but she herself was bragging about cheating on her boyfriend with dozens of men, quite frankly I can't respect that. There were other women and he also tried to drive over 5h to meet his ex, but that Instagram woman was constantly there. He never actually met with anybody, he's really awkward. He preferred staring at women in public like a creep. 

After the truth came out, I was devastated. I had really loved him. I can barely remember the year that followed because I was genuinely traumatised. He gladly exploited my state and continued to blame and gaslight me. I really thought I was a bad person and he had every right to cheat, because I didn't do "enough". I stayed for close to a year after that. I started suffering from stress-induced seizures, which is insane to me now. The relationship turned violent, I got black eyes, bloody noses, sprains, so many times my mouth was so cut up I could barely eat. While beating me, throwing me around, he called me a wh*re, an idiot, he told me I was crazy due to being schizophrenic and should be locked up. He told me I made things up when I know I didn't (confirmed). He dumped me in random cities, only to come pick me up after I begged since I had no way of going home. 

It's sick thinking back, knowing I allowed and enabled all of it. I really was in a state of denial, having my disorder and beliefs used against me was an easy way to shut me up as well. I didn't know my disorder well enough back then, I thought maybe I really did make it up! 

It finally ended around 7 months ago. I didn't even feel sad. I felt so free. It ended because I started getting attention from others around me, which boosted my self-esteem enough to tell my ex to move out. I had a quick rebound, no pain, no tears, and now I'm happily single. I like it. 

But I am still bitter at how he treated me. I know I allowed it, but at the same time, I truly was clueless in a way. Never having experienced a healthy relationship, with a disorder that, at the time, controlled my life. He shouldn't have treated me like that. But he did. And I am still angry. He emailed me some months ago with a "mightier than thou" tone, about how happy he was to be rid of me, how pathetic I am. I can't get my head around it, still. Mostly I ignore it, but I came across a poster here who, props to him, acknowledged his issues with lying and wants to get better. I almost got nauseous. It made me recall everything that happened, and I really am bitter about it. 

I think I hate him. Not because he abused me physically, but because of the lying and gaslighting. It was honestly torture. And he had the guts to email me about how pathetic I am, while he goes out there everyday, playing a pretend game, because he's too big of a coward to be decent. He lies to his parents, grandparents, friends, everybody. And when his lies fail him, he is the victim. He was always the victim! Even when beating me, he was the victim! 

So so bitter. How could I find peace? With time? Shall I just forget eventually?

[glows]

Time will help. I saw a couple of references to email there. Why is he not BLOCKED COMPLETELY? I use capslocks for emphasis but not to be rude. Please block. There is a button on email that returns checked items to Spam. Let it go to Spam and into the trash automatically. His emails should never reach your inbox (all of his emails if he uses more than one).

You will start to feel better once you start doing these little things to regain your sanity and lift your mood. 

Peace only comes when you realize that this person can no longer grow you forward or be of any use to you. The experience taught you strength and resiliency but he brings you nothing. You'll let go once you realize that he really IS nothing to you. Take your time. Surround yourself with friends and family who care. It's good that you have that support. Happy for you that this is over. Now really make it over and clean up your email.

 

[d0nnivain]

15 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

So so bitter. How could I find peace? With time? Shall I just forget eventually?

Look up Stockholm Syndrome.   It's when the captor has such control that the victim depends on him & loves him.  That was a big part of it before you got strong enough to finally say enough.  

You need to figure out how you go so low so that you never go back there again & in the future if you find yourself on a path like that you are strong enough to say no earlier.  Take all that bitterness & make it work for you.  Use it to strengthen yourself because now you are a survivor & you know better how to protect yourself.   

[Datergirl]

Refer yourself to a counsellor who specialises in domestic abuse and the recovery afterwards. 

Definitely block his email address. Make sure he has no way of contacting you. You know him calling you pathetic is because, deep down, thats how he feels about himself. What kind of person cheats, lies and abuses the one they claim to love? A messed up person. 

It's time to put yourself first. Think about the things that you get pleasure from doing and do more of those. Anything you didn't do or felt you couldn't do before, do those things now. 

 

[vla1120]

You've gotten some very good advice above. Don't let the hatred eat away at you from the inside. The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. If you can work to feel indifferent to him, that will help you heal. The more work you can do to realize your self-worth, the better equipped you will be in the future to ward off toxic abusive people like him, who use your vulnerabilities against you. Stay strong. You've got this!

[Negotaurus]

Thanks for the replies, I read them, I hear you and I agree with you. His e-mail is blocked, last time he contacted me through a second email which I didn't know existed. 

I  am struggling a bit. For the last few days now, I cannot get it out of my head. I have this urge to get in touch with him and ask if he is even remotely sorry. If he even understands how cruel he was. I am sure he would say he's sorry and then blame me, though. So why on earth do I keep getting this urge. I guess it's my ego that's still bruised. I went through the email he sent me, he told me I am "so hateful and bitter, geez". I almost even unblocked him to write him at a moment of weakness, but caught myself. I also want to cuss him out, tell him he is a sad loser. I want to tell him he looks funny. I hate that he most likely goes on, thinking he's "hot stuff" and "the man". 

I just don't get it. Why do I want to insult others like this. Why do I feel the need to get "confirmation" from him when I know what he is like. He's a woman beating, cheating, lying coward. Not much more than that. I know I will never let anybody treat me like this again. They cheat on me, I'm gone, they hit me, I'm gone, and so on. 

I have a therapist, but for whatever reason I don't want to talk about this with her. I don't want to say these words, in my own language, openly to another person. I don't want to. 

Edited April 22, 2021 by Negotaurus

[d0nnivain]

I'll save you the trouble of contacting him.  He's not sorry.  He doesn't think he did anything wrong & he will blame you.  You want to confront him because you finally want to "win".  You want him to do or say something that will acknowledge that you came out on top.  He will never give you that.  The only way you can take it from him is to walk away, never look back & get to a place of indifference.  When you stop caring, that is when you will have really won because he will no longer have a hold on you.  

Find a way to bring this up to your therapist. Until you address it, you will remain stuck here.  You have to kick him out of your head & you need help to do that  

[Miss Peach]

I responded to your other thread before reading all this. Besides the things I suggested on there if you don't already know I would read up on abuse and boundaries so that you have some control over understanding this and how to protect yourself. Lundy Bancroft wrote a book called "Why Does He Do That?" which is a really good read on abuse. I find the write Natalie Lue really helpful for boundaries and recognizing poor behavior.

[glows]

I agree on the comment about boundaries. And time - weeks, months. You are still in the midst of it. You need to keep actively and methodically removing him until you get to a place where you are strong enough to feel indifferent. None of this happens overnight.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

That's ok. The urge to tell someone off after a breakup is normal.

Ok, you've deleted and blocked him everywhere, and that's a good step.

 

[Alpacalia]

On 4/22/2021 at 3:42 AM, Negotaurus said:

I  am struggling a bit. For the last few days now, I cannot get it out of my head. I have this urge to get in touch with him and ask if he is even remotely sorry.

You've been to hell and back.

It would be much more painful if you reached out for an apology and he dismisses or fails to acknowledge your feelings. You're unlikely to receive the apology you so richly deserve anytime soon, if at all.

Instead, try to concentrate on your health and the bravery, strength, and grace you already embody (though you may not realize it).

[vla1120]

I agree with @Wiseman2. A very good way to tell him exactly what you think is to write him a letter saying EVERYTHING you would like to tell him to his face, then trash it. You'll feel better, but will not have given him the satisfaction of knowing you were thinking about him AT ALL.