Relationship over?

[Jo75]

My first marriage was to an abusive narracists. We had two children then found the strength to leave. A few years later met a man who I loved we eventually got married. He said he wanted children and got pregnant but the baby didn’t develop. He left me to deal with this by myself. Too sacred to tell his mother instead he made me sit through lunch knowing 2 hours before our baby had died. For the next two years I tried for another baby unknown to me he had decided that wasn’t happening - no discussion now too old to conceive. I feel disappointed and can’t trust him at all. Last year I worked full time and completed an accelerated degree in 10 months. He did nothing no cleaning, gardening etc I can’t trust him and think our relationship is finished. Am I being unreasonable?

[Blind-Sided]

Don't know... not enough to go on.  You imply he is to blame on the "No Discussion" side of things... but talking as a married couple is a 2 person deal.  I got blamed for something similar.  But the reality is... she is the one with the communication issues. Eventually... She said to me (during the breakup) "I never felt like I can talk to you."   But the realty is... SHE was the one who didn't talk, but wanted to blame me for the things that were in her head.  As a lot of poeple here will say... we aren't mind readers.  You can't blame someone for something you never voiced.  

OK... so where am I going with that?  I guess what I'm trying to say is... have you actually tried to talk to him about it?  People greave and process major issues differently. 

Are you being unreasonable?  I don't know. But just make sure you aren't blaming him for somethin you have equal power on. But the point of "I can't trust him" based on lack of communication is unreasonable. OK... maybe he made a choice on a subject that needed talked about... and you didn't agree with... but how does that break "Trust"? 

 

Edited April 19, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Wiseman2]

Do you want to get divorced or do you think marriage therapy could help?

Unfortunately you seem very angry. Have you consulted a physician about your moods, anxiety and despair? 

Ask for a referral to a therapist to help you unpack and sort out some of this before you decide on divorce.

 

[vla1120]

18 hours ago, Jo75 said:

My first marriage was to an abusive narracists. We had two children then found the strength to leave. A few years later met a man who I loved we eventually got married. He said he wanted children and got pregnant but the baby didn’t develop. He left me to deal with this by myself. Too sacred to tell his mother instead he made me sit through lunch knowing 2 hours before our baby had died. For the next two years I tried for another baby unknown to me he had decided that wasn’t happening - no discussion now too old to conceive. I feel disappointed and can’t trust him at all. Last year I worked full time and completed an accelerated degree in 10 months. He did nothing no cleaning, gardening etc I can’t trust him and think our relationship is finished. Am I being unreasonable?

What I think I'm reading is that he decided he did NOT want a child, but did not share this information with you for two years (and perhaps even got a vasectomy or took male contraceptive without your knowledge?) Is this the reason you cannot trust him, or are there other issues contributing to not trusting him? I would say yes, that is a fairly big betrayal in a marriage, if he knew you were actively trying for a child while he was actively keeping that from happening. 

Good for you for finishing your accelerated degree! Were there discussions about him helping around the house and he refused? How much communication is happening between the two of you? I'd say maybe you need to try couples therapy before throwing in the towel. 

[Els]

17 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

What I think I'm reading is that he decided he did NOT want a child, but did not share this information with you for two years (and perhaps even got a vasectomy or took male contraceptive without your knowledge?)

Men don't  really have the same sort of contraceptive options as women do - it would be next to impossible for a man to use contraception without his sexual partner knowing, especially if said sexual partner was living with him. "Male contraceptives" don't exist outside of clinical trials, and a vasectomy would be quite obvious to someone living in the same house - he would have pain and swelling in the scrotum (and visible incisions unless a no-scalpel vasectomy was done), would have to rest for a few days and wouldn't be able to have sex for a week. If the OP genuinely thinks that he betrayed her trust in that regard, I'm curious to know exactly why she thinks that, because he certainly can't just get a shot or take a pill.

That being said, if he doesn't work and doesn't do anything in the house, I don't see any point in staying with such a man regardless.

[glows]

20 hours ago, Jo75 said:

My first marriage was to an abusive narracists. We had two children then found the strength to leave. A few years later met a man who I loved we eventually got married. He said he wanted children and got pregnant but the baby didn’t develop. He left me to deal with this by myself. Too sacred to tell his mother instead he made me sit through lunch knowing 2 hours before our baby had died. For the next two years I tried for another baby unknown to me he had decided that wasn’t happening - no discussion now too old to conceive. I feel disappointed and can’t trust him at all. Last year I worked full time and completed an accelerated degree in 10 months. He did nothing no cleaning, gardening etc I can’t trust him and think our relationship is finished. Am I being unreasonable?

This seems very vague. He left you deal with this by yourself but you could also have asked for help or sought therapy or found other means? Parents grieve over unborn children sometimes differently. I'm sorry to hear about your baby. Have you sought counseling? 

It might help both of you to get to the bottom of all the trust issues and resentment. 

I wouldn't give up on this marriage yet but there's not much to go on. I think you're still grieving.

[Jo75]

I am not angry or anxious just very disappointed. I was clear with my husband about what I would like for the future unfortunately he has not shown me the same respect. He knows everything I have been through but means nothing to him because it’s all about him. Our relationship has been me compromising so he gets what he wants. I have sold my house, moved to his home town, supported him & his mother. Emotionally he just isn’t there my Dad died and got no support.He never voiced his opinion about children he withheld love & affection. We don’t have any initimacy, it’s like living with a friend. I suppose probably best we didn’t have a child. 
He doesn’t do any housework or gardening whatsoever and when I say anything he just makes out I am nagging. I work 40-50 hours a week and just exhausted.

I am not prefect and have my faults too. I have become withdrawn and don’t have much patience with him. 
I have put so much effort into the relationship but he hasn’t he just takes. I want to buy a house but he doesn’t happy renting. I found a house but he’s not interested as not where he wants to live.

I know it sounds selfish but for the first time in my life I can do what I want to. Have spent my life looking after others. I want an equal partnership and not sure my husband can give me that

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jo75 said:

, supported him & his mother.

Do you mean they both live with you and you work and financially support both of them?

You seem worried about strange things such as "he doesn't do gardening", when much larger problems seem to exist.

Consult an attorney and discuss your options in the event of divorce.

Stop being a slave or martyr. Just stop doing all the work.

Don't expect emotional support from people like this. 

Tell your friends and family what's happening and with their help and the advice of an attorney, get organized for divorce.

[emprosnet7]

@Jo75 You don't have to resort to a "blame list" to justify anything. You don't love him and don't have intimacy. These are the main issues. 

You did not have a child with him, so what ?  You already have two. You've done that. He didn't want to and maybe he did not commutate that fact with you. Were you pushy? He found a way not to have a baby? I don't think you can make someone a father by force.

[vla1120]

5 hours ago, Jo75 said:

I know it sounds selfish but for the first time in my life I can do what I want to. Have spent my life looking after others. I want an equal partnership and not sure my husband can give me that. 

There is nothing selfish about that. I spent way too many years taking care of everyone but me. I totally understand wanting an equal partnership. If that is not what you have, then you should do what you need to do to start living your life for YOU and your kids, until they are grown. You do not need to be looking after a grown man and his mother.