Understanding why she decided to end things?

[dramafreezone]

18 minutes ago, ArronHenson said:

I feel so annoyed at myself  you're totally right

Been there.  She's trying to put you in the friendzone, which means she still gets the benefits of your attention without the romantic component.  You can't go for that.  She wanted to split up and tend to her health, wish her the best and let her. 

If she gets indignant with you, remind her that you're only intersted in a romantic relationship and if she's intersted in that, give you a call.   You have to live your truth and stick to it.

Edited April 20, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Stupidkupid]

Ugh I don't think much of her (see my last post)

Dramafreezone and the others are right. Annoyed you didn't reply, despite asking you to leave her alone, so messaged again trying to manipulate a response from you.

There are better women out there for you and you seem a nice guy so I hope you are able to block and move on

[ArronHenson]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

Been there.  She's trying to put you in the friendzone, which means she still gets the benefits of your attention without the romantic component.  You can't go for that.  She wanted to split up and tend to her health.

 

9 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

Dramafreezone and the others are right. Annoyed you didn't reply, despite asking you to leave her alone, so messaged again trying to manipulate a response from you.

There are better women out there for you and you seem a nice guy so I hope you are able to block and move on

You're both so right!

I think I'm struggling a tad because she was so lovey-dovey (like sometimes v cringe lovey dovey) for 8 weeks, then 1 day of being quiet, and then ends it a day later. Like I've never been, never experienced, or never heard of someone I know being into someone so much as she was into me in a short space of time. She showed me her texts to her parents and their replies about me, all positive. They even said they're so happy she's finally found a guy that's good for her, they said they can't wait to meet me. She showed me the texts where her housemates said they're so happy she found someone that makes her feel happy and giddy. In bed she always wanted hugs, always wanted to cook for me and impress me. Always want to give me oral as she knew I loved it. Then one day passes of her being with her family. Then next day she ends it. I wish I could understand greatest mystery in the world haha!

On a serious note though, what's your opinions on why it ended? Despite it sounding like 'Arron is just wishful thinking', it's hard to see it as she had lost interest. It was almost like she was in love at times.

I do want to say that she had counseling (stopped before I met her) to help her with the ex partner abuse. She also takes antidepressants to help her cope with her brothers cancer, her IBS and her relationship abuse history. I never saw her down or sad around me, maybe she suppressed any signs of those emotions around me.

[dramafreezone]

10 minutes ago, ArronHenson said:

 

You're both so right!

I think I'm struggling a tad because she was so lovey-dovey (like sometimes v cringe lovey dovey) for 8 weeks, then 1 day of being quiet, and then ends it a day later. Like I've never been, never experienced, or never heard of someone I know being into someone so much as she was into me in a short space of time. She showed me her texts to her parents and their replies about me, all positive. They even said they're so happy she's finally found a guy that's good for her, they said they can't wait to meet me. She showed me the texts where her housemates said they're so happy she found someone that makes her feel happy and giddy. In bed she always wanted hugs, always wanted to cook for me and impress me. Always want to give me oral as she knew I loved it. Then one day passes of her being with her family. Then next day she ends it. I wish I could understand greatest mystery in the world haha!

On a serious note though, what's your opinions on why it ended? Despite it sounding like 'Arron is just wishful thinking', it's hard to see it as she had lost interest. It was almost like she was in love at times.

I do want to say that she had counseling (stopped before I met her) to help her with the ex partner abuse. She also takes antidepressants to help her cope with her brothers cancer, her IBS and her relationship abuse history. I never saw her down or sad around me, maybe she suppressed any signs of those emotions around me.

Who knows she she ended it.  The issue is the dumper is often going to try to make you feel good while ripping your heart out(quite the feat), so you rarely get the real reason out of her.  You may get reasons that are factually accurate but are being used out of convenience (in this case her IBS).  This is incredibly frustrating to guys who want to know the truth so that they can take corrective action.

One surefire way to make someone lose interest is to be too available.  No one wants things to be too easy.   The most important resource you have is your time, so when you give another person a lot of it, they don't appreciate it as much.  That's not just your ex, that's you, me, everyone.  We're hardwired to appreciate what we have to work for and devalue what's plentiful.  So going forward, a woman should be a part (not the center) of a full life that includes your career, your hobbies, your family.

Edited April 20, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Stupidkupid]

As a woman, I don't know. Only she does.

For me, if ever a relationship got past two dates after a messy period in my life, i basically refused another.

One got past that and we dated for a while but I was clear I wasn't looking for anything serious. One night, after a few drinks, he kept telling me how much he liked me and I felt lile the L bomb was literally just beneath the surface and I ended things the next day. But it sounds as though this wasn't the case for you.

It could genuinely be her insecurity owing to her medical issues. Maybe some stuff from her ex. Maybe she was still chatting to other guys and liked one better.

Maybe while she was away someone in her family said something that freaked her out 

I know its easier said than done, but try to stop over thinking it. The text messages and mixed signals brought about by those were really unfair. I know a few of the other posters here interpreted that as making herself clear but to be they bothel read as manipulative, trying to draw a response out of you.

Thats not okay.

[ArronHenson]

25 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

As a woman, I don't know. Only she does.

For me, if ever a relationship got past two dates after a messy period in my life, i basically refused another. One got past that and we dated for a while but I was clear I wasn't looking for anything serious. One night, after a few drinks, he kept telling me how much he liked me and I felt lile the L bomb was literally just beneath the surface and I ended things the next day. But it sounds as though this wasn't the case for you.

I will say that I was drunk Saturday night, and remembering that she told me she loved a romantic cheesy drunk voicenote, I left her one just saying about my night and then said she was very lovely and that I appreciated her kindness. I forgot about it in the morning until I received a morning message from her which led me to open the chat and see it, but she didn't acknowledge the voicenote.

 

25 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

It could genuinely be her insecurity owing to her medical issues. Maybe some stuff from her ex. Maybe she was still chatting to other guys and liked one better.

Maybe while she was away someone in her family said something that freaked her out 

I know its easier said than done, but try to stop over thinking it. The text messages and mixed signals brought about by those were really unfair. I know a few of the other posters here interpreted that as making herself clear but to be they bothel read as manipulative, trying to draw a response out of you.

Thats not okay.

Friday she made a point of telling me no men, past or present, are on the scene, then showed me her dating profile and her pausing it (in which I clocked her chats and her most recent was from me when I offered her my number, 8 weeks ago).

I do find it hard that she could be so manipulative with the texts. But with the stress she's been under recently, the procedure that's coming up and the antidepressants (I hate pointing any % of blame on them as my mum takes them) and any other medication she takes (I once saw a draw full when I was looking for paracetamol for a headache), maybe she's very low atm mood wise or in another state. She did say before that she'd need to sedate herself a few days before the procedure to calm herself down so definitely didn't want me seeing her like that.

I do apologise if anything I said offended anyone - I'm not trying to solely blame medication for someone's actions, but that they may have played a part.

Edited April 20, 2021 by ArronHenson

[Stupidkupid]

@ArronHenson i am feeling for you but i think trying to work out the why etc will eventually eat away at you.

The text messages were manipulative but some people don't do it on purpose, as such. But you must surely find that behaviour, and her reaponse to your eventual reply, in line with the notion that she was trying to get a response from you and, once she has, was satisifed and no longer had a need for messaging you.

Also, and I know you don't want to hear this but ... people lie. I am posiitve I did a bit whilst dating. There is no way to absolutely know there was no-one else on the scene.

Even if there wasn't you didn't really seem to deserve to be treated this way. The relationship was short, even if meaningful for you, and whatever her reasons were, shw changed her mind about your relationship.

Ask yourself this... if she were to come back, do you think you could fully trust her? And, further, if it was the procedure then life is full of WAY worse than this. If she flakes at this... what about when there is something actually serious?

[Calmandfocused]

It’s done now. 
 

But yes you did give her all your power and a huge dollop of ego boost by your reply. 
 

Even though she was dumper she felt rejected by you hence she was reaching out to reassure herself that you still care. You gave her exactly what she wanted which she didn’t deserve IMO.
 

She hurt you big time yet you joked and diminished your own feelings. It’s achieved nothing for you and everything for her. 
 

I agree with the others. You sound like a really nice guy. Please don’t chase after women who cant see your value. 
 

I promise you that in time you’ll find someone else who appreciates all you have to offer. 
 

 

[Gaeta]

I find it unusual that she says she has IBS and never had a coloscopy before. You need a coloscopy to confirm diagnostic. I know I had one not long ago and they cut 3 pieces inside to analyze to confirm diagnostic. Luckily mine was negative. 

[Stupidkupid]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I find it unusual that she says she has IBS and never had a coloscopy before. You need a coloscopy to confirm diagnostic. I know I had one not long ago and they cut 3 pieces inside to analyze to confirm diagnostic. Luckily mine was negative. 

Are you in the States/ Canada?

In the UK this isn't the case but for serious IBS then it would be surprising if it were a first.

[ArronHenson]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I find it unusual that she says she has IBS and never had a coloscopy before. You need a coloscopy to confirm diagnostic. I know I had one not long ago and they cut 3 pieces inside to analyze to confirm diagnostic. Luckily mine was negative. 

I did find that unusual too, but my mum was diagnosed with IBS when I was younger but it wasn't a colonoscopy that diagnosed it, it was some other test. I'll have to ask her sometime.

[elaine567]

There is no specific test for IBS.
The tests just seek to determine other causes for the symptoms.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/irritable-bowel-syndrome/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20360064

Edited April 20, 2021 by elaine567

[ArronHenson]

34 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

@ArronHenson Ask yourself this... if she were to come back, do you think you could fully trust her? And, further, if it was the procedure then life is full of WAY worse than this. If she flakes at this... what about when there is something actually serious?

I can see myself wanting to trust her, but actually trusting her - I'm not too sure. She'd have to prove herself somewhat.

 

31 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

But yes you did give her all your power and a huge dollop of ego boost by your reply. 

Even though she was dumper she felt rejected by you hence she was reaching out to reassure herself that you still care. You gave her exactly what she wanted which she didn’t deserve IMO.

Straight facts. She had her cake and ate it too.

I do hate my caring side at times. I was genuinely curious about her prep for the colonoscopy, but knowing what my mum went through, it can be quite personal (and embarrassing) so no wonder she didn't tell me, it's no longer my place to be trusted with that info 

You live and you learn ay.

Question for the floor: In general for a dumper, do you think their true colours show MORE before or after dumping someone? As before, they're showing you their best self, but after, they no longer need to do that. It's a debate me and my mates had once and I just remembered it now.

Edited April 20, 2021 by ArronHenson

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

Are you in the States/ Canada?

Canada. We  may have different procedures or my doctor wanted to sweep for everything else at the same time. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, ArronHenson said:

Question for the floor: In general for a dumper, do you think their true colours show MORE before or after dumping someone? As before, they're showing you their best self, but after, they no longer need to do that. It's a debate me and my mates had once and I just remembered it now.

After. While someone can be genuine, the manner that they conduct themselves in adversity (like breakups) is quite telling.

[ArronHenson]

For anyone still interested in this.

I got my items back today that's she sent yesterday (after telling me they'd take at least 3 days...)

I messaged her just saying "Just recieved the parcel thanks x"

She replied saying "I'm glad thanks for letting me know x"

Still surprised she sends these replies.

Edited April 21, 2021 by ArronHenson